My personal clash is mind against body. I don't have a single male related hobby. I hate car races (waste of useful resources), football is boring and impossible to understand (no interest in handegg, too), and I hate all sort of violence, be it in sport or real life. Maybe the violence thing is caused by the bullying, or maybe not. Cooking is nothing more than a survival skill, but I love creative hobbies and I do want to lean how to use a sewing machine (I have a few ideas for a doll I want to put in practice). I used to have lots of un-manly hobbies, but I had to stop because of the social pressure and stick with the "male accepted" ones like photography, videogames or movies... Whenever I let slip that I have knowledge on fashion or any other thing labelled as un-manly I will get the "gaaayyyyyy" looks along with "you need a girlfriend and more sex".
I have tried to get on "manly" hobbies thinking it would look correct at the eyes of society and telling myself that un-manly things were an aberration.
Yet, I can't find a single "girly" thing in me outside my mind. No physical features, voice, movement... I can modify the clothing presentation within the accepted limits... Raising the pitch just a bit and talk without all of the resonance (removing it completely will raise complaints). It sucks a lot. I won't talk about the hair, it is an unusable thing on life support. Trying to smile casually... Well, it is hard with depression. I may have adopted a few mannerisms on things like sitting or occupying public space, but I still feel like something trapped inside a heavy, bulky and hard to move body.
Movement is the worst. It is like piloting the Mazinger Z from a tiny cockpit, and always stiff to the extreme to overcompensate for the previous bad posture when I moved like a hunchback for years, always looking down to the floor, I now have the same walking wait as Robocop (minus the gun on the thigh). I can't feel fluid, and I am always at a maximum tension, looking for danger at the turn of the corner. If I try to ease the tension and relax, I feel that I am walking like I did before and my neck goes back to acting like a turtle. I know, there are to many years of no exercise, self care, etc... When three years ago I started worrying about my self image, I did it to attain a dominant male look, and I changed from walking like quasimodo moving like Schwarzenegger on the Terminator Films. I don't have a natural balance, and it used to be worse. The last year, I would hit against the walls while moving and hit things like fire extinguisers. I am recovering a bit of balance thanks to the physical therapy, but I can't shake the robocop feeling. In the moment I loosen the body I keep going back to the bad postural habits.
Maybe is just a matter of time. I did not recover a neutral stance until three weeks ago, I have months of therapy until fixing the bones and I need to improve the muscular tone... Or I could get into pilates or something like that. The fact is that all of this physical feeling is the biggest thing that keeps telling me "You can't be transgender like this".
Oddly, no crossdressing fetishism here, it just makes me feel bad, the same as lying. Just a sad costume representing what I am not.
