Those are sort of distant memories that I had forgotten but it makes me wonder sometimes if those past experiences still affect me or if I just have good taste? For instance, in the past I have shopped at places like Ross (a place that sells over-stock clothing). Often times when at places like Ross I have noticed that so many of the clothes are such bright, hideous colors. Lime greens, day-glo pinks, citrus orange, Smurf blue... Colors that (I think) tend to look horrible on any non-blonde pale white girl. I am much more attracted to clothing like from Eddie Bauer, the colors of Eddie Bauer versus the colors someone would probably see at Ross. Colors that one would be more likely to find in nature in North America, cranberry red, pumpkin orange, moss green... Is that a remnant of being male or good taste?
On the other hand when I first began transitioning I bought a lot of hideous clothing that was too young for me, like I was trying to make up for lost experiences. And that experience of trying to take back the past, wearing overly cute clothing, etc... I became embarrassed of that, looking back on it in retrospect. I mean.. I am okay with having done that, it was a weird, wonderful time but I am glad I moved past it.
I don't like the idea of over-thinking things because it sets up an individual to internally narrate every little experience which I feel prevents one from having a more realistic, spontaneous, authentic experience. In fact after having transitioned and going full-time in 2005 (started transition in 2000), had SRS in 2004, I have had enough internal dialogue experience to really begin to despise it. But most often it is when I am alone, when my experiences aren't sufficiently engaging.
I feel that the best way to heal from GID (or whatever you want to call it) is to finish transition and start over with new people and make a life for yourself that is engaging. Because I know from experience that sitting on the sidelines of life after transition and too much thinking... it isn't much of an authentic experience. Not the kind of life I want for myself. And when there have been others in my life who knew that I transitioned or heard rumors (etc.) coworkers, friends... They were always sabotaging my life. They were always taking me down a notch, putting the "->-bleeped-<-" back in her place so they could feel better about their own lives. Seems to be human nature. Plus you can't always choose your coworkers, etc.
To sum up what I am attempting to say, carpe diem "seize the day", what you do today, your plans, the things you set in motion today will determine the quality of your life tomorrow and live in the interim or better yet don't allow an interim to be any part of your existence, live. At least those are my feelings about life for tonight and lately.
