so i was sitting around thinking about issues i still face after being fulltime... and reflected on some thoughts i used to have  

let me know if you guys relate and if you have any advice

Hi oZma.  I just watched your video, and I found it very moving.

Is some ways, looking back, I was the master of the rationalization.  Looking constantly for ways to explain away my body, or my gynecomastia, or my feelings for both guys and girls.  Always wondering why I was different, and at the same time trying to prove to myself I wasn't.

You asked in your video where you might be today if you had not transitioned.  You'd be doing what I'm doing, but 30 years older than you, and really just now coming to grips with my gender issues.  I sometimes wish that, when I was your age, I had the knowledge-base, and courage you have, to address those issues.  From my perspective, you are to be congratulated for all you have accomplished.

thanks! i think i meant "if i didn't have to" meaning i am either a GG or a guy without trans feelings

I love your videos oZma, they are always so articulate and you really go into depth about your feelings. It helps me since I can relate to a lot of what your saying and helps me put it in perspective since I'm still early point of my transition but have felt just so confused and unsure for years but my experience isn't 100% the same (I don't think anyones really is 100% the same anyway).

But anyway, thanks!

Sounds exactly like my experience. Its crazy listening to someone else explain their experiences with feelings that for so long I thought only I had.

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on December 14, 2012, 06:43:35 AM
Sounds exactly like my experience. Its crazy listening to someone einsteadlse explain their experiences with feelings that for so long I thought only I had.

riigght?! its Cray Cray.  thank you internet for showing us we aren't alone.  now if people would only use the internet to learn government is obsolete instead of not learning and voting to make it bigger, we wouldn't have to worry about economics! haha, sorry... these are just two things I am thankful to the internets and the youtubes for :-)

Very thoughtful inside.  I went through the same things but for 54 years.  In time one learns to deny ones self.  So it only stands to reason it takes time to let go of all those things that stand in our way.

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on December 14, 2012, 06:43:35 AM
Sounds exactly like my experience. Its crazy listening to someone else explain their experiences with feelings that for so long I thought only I had.

Ditto!

Those are sort of distant memories that I had forgotten but it makes me wonder sometimes if those past experiences still affect me or if I just have good taste?  For instance, in the past I have shopped at places like Ross (a place that sells over-stock clothing).  Often times when at places like Ross I have noticed that so many of the clothes are such bright, hideous colors.  Lime greens, day-glo pinks, citrus orange, Smurf blue...  Colors that (I think) tend to look horrible on any non-blonde pale white girl.  I am much more attracted to clothing like from Eddie Bauer, the colors of Eddie Bauer versus the colors someone would probably see at Ross.  Colors that one would be more likely to find in nature in North America, cranberry red, pumpkin orange, moss green...  Is that a remnant of being male or good taste?

On the other hand when I first began transitioning I bought a lot of hideous clothing that was too young for me, like I was trying to make up for lost experiences.  And that experience of trying to take back the past, wearing overly cute clothing, etc...  I became embarrassed of that, looking back on it in retrospect.  I mean.. I am okay with having done that, it was a weird, wonderful time but I am glad I moved past it.

I don't like the idea of over-thinking things because it sets up an individual to internally narrate every little experience which I feel prevents one from having a more realistic, spontaneous, authentic experience.  In fact after having transitioned and going full-time in 2005 (started transition in 2000), had SRS in 2004, I have had enough internal dialogue experience to really begin to despise it.  But most often it is when I am alone, when my experiences aren't sufficiently engaging.

I feel that the best way to heal from GID (or whatever you want to call it) is to finish transition and start over with new people and make a life for yourself that is engaging.  Because I know from experience that sitting on the sidelines of life after transition and too much thinking...  it isn't much of an authentic experience.  Not the kind of life I want for myself.  And when there have been others in my life who knew that I transitioned or heard rumors (etc.) coworkers, friends...  They were always sabotaging my life.  They were always taking me down a notch, putting the "->-bleeped-<-" back in her place so they could feel better about their own lives.  Seems to be human nature.  Plus you can't always choose your coworkers, etc.

To sum up what I am attempting to say, carpe diem "seize the day", what you do today, your plans, the things you set in motion today will determine the quality of your life tomorrow and live in the interim or better yet don't allow an interim to be any part of your existence, live.  At least those are my feelings about life for tonight and lately.

As others have said, it is indeed crazy to hear another echo so closely your own thoughts.  Its also comforting. I did everything to superimpose the man script on that relentless autochthonous trans narrative. I always purchased stiff/baggy t-shirts to hide my breasts (which grew when schools still did shirt/skins at PE, oh the trauma). I moved overseas, even joined the CG, and ironically, moved to CO. Where that mountain slope never happened, I just started HRT instead.


I've grown comfortable with myself. But sometimes I still catch myself trying to decipher the trans mystery and to make sense of my own behavior, whether current or past. I've learned to accept that I don't understand, but that doesn't mean I don't want to understand. You helped me to put words to some free floating ideas I had let drift away in the abstract world of thought, which is often the case when I don't get a chance to talk things out. I appreciate that.

Perhaps I should try this video blogging myself.

Thank you for the video.

Thank you for sharing your video. I think a lot of us understand those thoughts.

*hug*

Very well articulated, and as everyone else has said it is very comforting to hear someone else say what I have also tried to justify my entire life. 

Sounds like my life, my thoughts, everything... just unbelievable.

Quote from: oZma on December 14, 2012, 11:23:41 AM
riigght?! its Cray Cray.  thank you internet for showing us we aren't alone.  now if people would only use the internet to learn government is obsolete instead of not learning and voting to make it bigger, we wouldn't have to worry about economics! haha, sorry...

lol. I completely agree.

Thank you for sharing your video with us.

I can relate to just about all your feelings that you expressed in your video. It seems like every trans woman that I've ever spoken to has the same story sometimes tweaked a little more then others but overall the same story. I hid my feelings as well. I felt the same way you did about girlfriends. Like I really liked highlighted hair on women. I told myself that was just a attraction but it really wasn't I wanted high lighted long hair. So stupid that the little things like that are such a big deal. I knew inside that I wanted that hair but told myself that no no no you can't have that hair so you must find a girl that has highlighted hair its a 'attraction'. I think what the early years of our lives is a bunch of denial and confusion. There is so much in my early life that I did to bury the thoughts. I honestly lied to myself about everything. When explaining to anyone that doesn't understand I don't think I have one incident in my life that I didn't do to make it stop make it go away. Thats sad just thinking about it. Almost makes me feel like a fraud to everyone I ever loved.  Literally everything I've done the past 26 years was to make it change. It became too much this last March and I just stopped fighting it. I was done putting up walls to block it because the longer we wait the more walls we have to break down to move forward.

My crazy shamanic perspective the soul self is genderless in the fact it has both qualities of feminine and masculine which is two poles of the same energy, biological sex denotes a gender role this is imposed, you can be a feminine expression in a mans body more so then a woman who has masculine energy dominant. gender as we see it is a role woman and man and both do their exspected things but gender is non binary to the soul which can express both energies. having a balance of both is important but most never step outside of this imposed role. you can cultivate and express either side of the two poles one will be dominate and both energies expressing but to exclude oneside of your being is to close of apart of who you are. You are a true expression of yourself thats all you need to be. the placing labels and trying to define what you are is the ego mind, its confusing right tying to define yourself with all these words and labels. The ego is a trickster, you talked about how it tried to reason all this in the past, it will tell you what you want to hear and even if you have a knowing its a lie to yourself you would will rather accept the lie then the truth because its easier... try to silence these thoughts that bother you and come to a deeper knowing of yourself. practice breathing and meditation to help you whenever these things bother you. you will then have more awareness of what your thoughts are doing and why.

Quote from: tantra86 on December 15, 2012, 10:59:01 AM
My crazy shamanic perspective

i already like you

Quote from: tantra86 on December 15, 2012, 10:59:01 AM
the placing labels and trying to define what you are is the ego mind, its confusing right tying to define yourself with all these words and labels. The ego is a trickster, you talked about how it tried to reason all this in the past, it will tell you what you want to hear and even if you have a knowing its a lie to yourself you would will rather accept the lie then the truth because its easier... try to silence these thoughts that bother you and come to a deeper knowing of yourself. practice breathing and meditation to help you whenever these things bother you. you will then have more awareness of what your thoughts are doing and why.

yes, this is kind of what i learned the last time i visited hyperspace and shed much of my ego... but yes, its all the ego... and for some of us trans girls, we have created such a HUGE ego and inne dialogue to control, understand and reason with things in our lives that we were told either directly or indirectly we can't be,  like, or dress a certain way.  transition isn't only a physical one, but should also be considered a destruction of the ego from  its pre-transition state.  The Glitch Mob (band) have a sweet song called "starve the ego, feed the soul" and this idea should be understood instead of applying/feeding our ego to lets say create an ultra feminine portrayal which in essence is just doing the same thing we did as growing up male. 

oZma and tantra86 we need to hang out sometime! it sounds like we are all from the same batch of souls.

oZma thank you for sharing your life experiences, thoughts, and feelings. i'm a firm believer that we are all connected, everyone/everything and your video is proof. I think our main difference is that i never wanted highlights they are cute tho

i'm 25 now and like you i repressed, rationalized, compartmentalized and buried my self-awareness. Its funny because as i'm typing this now i have came to the realization that in order for me to continue on my path i must first accept my self. i had always denied my self and have just recently began to accept and explore.

like you i also go on many journeys. in my travels i've found a presence of understanding, acceptance, and blessings. before this i had encountered judgement and... how to explain it, like when someone tells you what to do.

i have just recently returned from a trip thru africa. my long term gf was over there and i came to visit for 3 months as we traveled south africa, swaziland, mozambique and zambia. time of my life! our relationship was more of a platonic one. if i understood rightly, you had always seeked girlfriends when in actuality what you wanted were girl friends. this describes our relationship. very platonic and best friends like. well long story short i think i discovered alot about myself during this time and i see my return to usa as a fresh start.

my girl friend and i have decided to travel our own paths. its like some things go without saying its just the feeling that explains it all. as i discovered my true self she discovered my facade. luckily we will remain friends and i foresee a stronger friendship down the road. while i have brought up my "issues" with her in email she seemed not to adress them in her reply. can't say i don't blame her!

well, time to end this rant but mainly i wanna say great post/video, thank you for sharing and also i'm soo happy i have met you and everyone else here. You look very beautiful you inspire me!

<3

oZma I love you, i see you and recognize your soul.

Thanks for the video oZma. I watched it a few days ago before I joined Susan's. I really enjoyed it and many of the feelings you described match my own. I noticed that the video is now private and I was wondering if there was a way I could still view it? A private message may have been better, but I don't think I can yet since this is just my third post. Thanks either way!

Toni