Trans Confusion

[AlexD]

Hi folks, new user here. I may not end up becoming a regular poster... I've just had a lot swimming around in my head lately and I just need to write it all down somewhere, I guess. Hope it's alright that I chose this place to scrawl my confession. :p


I'm AFAB and... well, that's all I can say with any certainty, actually. Am I a genuine transman? Am I androgyne? Am I just a confused little girl? Hell if I know. Androgyne seems like the closest to what I am, but it's not how I want to live; society runs on the binary, and I'd love to be able to conform to the binary... if only I could choose a gender.

I feel like I'd be more comfortable living as a man, but what if that's just because the mangrass just looks greener from where I'm sitting in ladygarden? Perhaps the fact I'm debating this at all should tell me I'm not supposed to be a woman... but maybe I'm just a self-loathing misogynist! I don't know. I know that I'm pretty "girly" in some respects, and that transitioning will be difficult and stressful and I'll just have to deal with a whole new set of behavioural expectations, many of which I'll probably never be able to live up to... but then, living as a woman is also difficult and stressful and I have to deal with a whole load of behaviuoral expectations I either can't or won't conform to. It seems like a lose-lose situation.

The only thing I've got that feels like solid evidence one way or the other is that I've wanted a penis since puberty kicked in. But phalloplasty technology isn't exactly... great... at the moment, so there's a good chance I'll just end up regretting surgery. At least I can always get my uterus and vagina removed, though my mother thinks even that would be a mistake, since, according to her, chronic abdominal pain is a common side-effect of hysterectomies, and I suppose pain-all-the-time is worse than pain-once-a-month.

My mother's take on the whole thing is frustrating. Though she's happy to live as a butch ciswoman -- and likely identifies as such to some extent -- she secretly identifies as a man. Because of that, I thought she'd be more sympathetic to my own feelings, but she thinks transitioning would be a huge mistake. And I can see where she's coming from when she says that. Perhaps she's right. I don't know. But she expects me to do what she did and just live as a manly woman... and I'm not sure I can do it.

Bah. Is this level of confusion normal for most transpeople? Or "trans"people, as it may well be in my case?

[niamh]

Confusion? Hell yes!

I know what it's like to have all this thoughts flying around in the brain. It clouds the mind and makes it hard to think straight.

Try to take a breather. It's pretty evident to me that you identity closer than to the male spectrum to the female one. Whether you eventually decide to transition and whether that is to a man or a male-identified androgyne is another issue. It will take quite a while to work out all these issues. Know that it is normal to feel confused. The choices are all in your hands. That can be overwhelming at times but it is also comforting as it means that you are in the driving seat. You control where you go and how fast.

[Phoeniks]

Hi you, and welcome

I have about the same level of confusion, and especially had just a few months ago. Society is indeed very binary-oriented and androgyny is sort if invisible (or very noticeable, depending on how it is expressed). So picking a side to be on can be useful. I get/got a lot of angst from being in the girl role, and did decide that I want to transition "over the border" to the boy side. I'm still not sure how far I want to get there, though. But looking back, it's sort of obvious that this isn't about thinking the grass is just greener on the other side - this just feels right.

I used to listen to myself very little and base very little weight on my gut feelings and on what I felt was right. Now that I do, I seem to just 'know' this is the path for me. I can't see me getting back to girl mode full-time at any point (maybe I will enjoy being in drag again when I'm not mistaken as a girl that often anymore ).

So yeah, this is and has been confusing. I'd just do whatever feels right and express myself in any way that feels natural for you, in your position. And try to "transition" as far as you can without surgeries/hormones. In that way I at least have gained a clearer vision of what I need and want.

[Simon]

In my experience confusion is a large part of a tran's persons life. Doubting feelings, motives, relationships, etc is normal. Just remember that your transition (or lack of..whatever you choose) is your personal choice. There are masculine men, masculine women, feminine men, and feminine women. You shouldn't feel any expectations to change who your core being is to satisfy any binary gender role dictated by society. Just be who you are...it makes life so much easier.

As far as transition goes don't rush into it until you're ready. I would try things that aren't permanent to see how you feel about living life as a boy. Binding your chest, cutting your hair, etc (once you're ready) to test the water without any permanent consequences. Seeking out therapy is always a good option so you can talk to someone who isn't biased either way towards your situation. Parents, friends, or other people in your life may tend to have biased views because in their minds they are protecting you.

Oh, and your mom is wrong about hystos. I had mine exactly two weeks ago today and no pain to speak of. Haven't taken any pain pills in half a week now and it was an open procedure. I imagine a laparoscopic surgery would be even less painful.

[AlexD]

Thanks for the responses, folks. It's nice to be able to talk openly about this for once without being told off for bringing the subject up.

I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who feels confused. I often wonder if I "deserve" to call myself trans* when I haven't known for absolute certain that I was a boy since I was a small child. I'm sure I do, really -- umbrella term and all that -- but it's hard to accept that when the binary is such a huge deal. Presenting as a man when I'm so clearly still female-bodied seems just as uncomfortable as my current situation.

I did shave my head a few weeks ago, though. That was quite liberating, is for no other reason than sheer convenience's sake.

[spring0721]

Alex, simon is right, therapy and taking your time before starting any time of hrt would be beneficial to you.  I think it's completely normal to be confused...but I have to say this; you are not your mother, so just because living as a 'butch woman' may have been enough or worked for her doesn't mean it will be for you or WHO you are.  Please be true to yourself and don't let your mom's adverse reaction to a transition sway your feelings at all.  In the end you are the only one that has to live being you so it's best to try to make yourself happy instead of trying to keep your mom or anyone else happy about your possible decisions.  Good luck & I hope you can find your way!

[Anna]

I feel much the same way. Thinking about my next counselling session and just wondering if it's all a huge waste of time. Am I being an idiot, do I just have depression, is this some disatisfaction with my marriage etc, etc.  I just wish it would all go away but it never has and nothing I've done to assume more masculine roles ever takes away this nagging feeling that I'm all wrong.  I don't fancy the surgical options either because (no offence to anyone else I hope - none in intended & being new here I don't really know the rules)  they seem cosmetic & TBH I prefer my mental image to the reality of looking like a rugby playing version of my least favourite grandmother.  Why can't we just swap bodies??

[michelle]

Hi Alex,
    Your mom is likely to have more doubts about transitioning than you.   When she first started dealing about her feelings about being a transperson it was not as acceptable as it is now so her level of fear about what transitioning and her doubts are much greater than yours may be.     Your mother just wants to protect you.    And yes discovering what your feelings about being a man really mean is a struggle for you as it is for many of us other transgenders both male and female.    Also what each of us can live with in conflicts in our lives is different with each individual.    All I know is that over times my feelings about being a transgender female grew stronger and stronger until I accepted them.   But because my acceptance of my gender identity as female came so late in life, I missed most of my life living as a woman and have too much male history to make it go away.    So at the most I can hope for is to identify as a transgender grandma.

Your younger and can if its who you really are spend most of your life as a male and your female life will dim with time.   Also most of your in most of your educational and legal records you will be identified as a male the younger you transition,  if that's what you decide that you must do.   

Transgenders in many states are not protected from discrimination and few of their legal rights are not recognized without legal struggle.    There have been some court and regulatory decisions that have been decided protecting our legal rights such as non discrimination in public housing and federal job protection,  but at the most what this means is that if you are discriminated against because you are transgender you just might have some legal grounds to sue and just hope that these past legal decisions give you grounds to sue and that the suit will be decided in your favor.

Court cases are expensive and stressful and some how must be paid for.   So those of us who transition in our youths have our futures to deal with.   Those of us like myself who began our transitions in our elder years face the burden of having lived most of our lives with the wrong gender identity and that our bodies bares these marks.    We, I, also have lots of legal baggage and years and years and family who may not be willing to give up my male identity even though I have.   I and many others may have regrets as to not starting our transitioning earlier like when we were not balding because our lives as males were a series of train wrecks which ended in a final train wreck, when I (we) finally realized that not living as a female didn't prevent anything, but possibly made my life more difficult, because inwardly emotionally I have been living as a female most of my life.

These are all just considerations to think about.    Yes its a struggle.  No there are no easy answers, but to be yourself, and find the path that is  the most comfortable to you.    Doing things for other people may not work out well, because in time you will realize that they are just living for themselves and have selfish reasons for preventing your changes.    Also many people want you to accept changes that they feel the need to make in their lives, even if you disapprove, and to accept them for the changes.  You have the same rights.

[michelle]

Hi Anna,

Having been born with a male body, I have come to the conclusion that males have a various number of ways to display dissatisfaction with their lives and identifying themselves as being females is the least desirable of any of these.   No one with a full blown male ego is ever going to identify themselves as a woman in any way shape or form.   I look back into my past and look at the emotional decisions that I have made and I don't see a male, I see a female.    I have always been overly concerned with other people's feelings.   The farther I get from home the more timid I become.   When it came to sports or anything I always waited patiently to go into the game, hoping my turn would come.   During any sexual relationships, I felt, that I shouldn't impose myself upon my female partner,  whereas a woman I would surrender myself to the male if he insisted (this is completely imaginary for I have never been with a man).

I was never respected as a male,  just taken advantage of, and I was supposed to emotionally support the other person's decisions.   In my mind this just makes me a woman and not a man.   

As far as what your physical shape is as a woman, woman come in many different sizes and shapes and not all of them are effeminate ones.   Some woman because of their hard physical and emotional lives do look like rugby versions of your mother.   This does not make them any less woman.

These are just thoughts and observations and me being introspective on my life and experiences which is a fault of mine, and never meant to be criticisms of others.   I tend to be much more critical of myself than others are of me so there critical remarks don't hurt.   Purely defensive on my part.

[Anna]

Well thank you for sharing those thoughts Michelle. It's helpful the hear your experience if also saddening to recognise feelings of lost time, opportunities & experiences. 

I'm trying not very succesfully to tell myself that I should stay as I am. There might be something the docs can do that lets me be happy more or less the way I am or perhaps I can change my work & lifestyle to make things less difficult.  It seems whatever I do to this body will only be a different part of the same halfway house I'm in now. I can't see me ever being able to live the dream.

[michelle]

Anna,  just remember that each new day gives you a new chance to make a new beginning and find a new path  to full filling your dreams or to start living new dreams.   I look at life as a spiritual walk about.    We are who we were, who we are becoming, and who we will become.  We are what we remember, what we have forgotten, what we are thinking now, what we will think, and what we will never know.   But most of all we simply are.   We are our happiness and our joys, and our sorrows and our regrets, our opportunities grasped and our opportunities missed, and we will be what we will be.   But most of all be happy from within, because nothing ever gives us or grants us happiness.   Happiness is a part of out essence and our right and we need to learn to accept our happiness and enjoy it.

[aleon515]

There are some trans people that don't seem to go thru this. Once they realize they are trans they just go get the hrt, surgeries, etc. Their big problems seem to be how can they do this the fastest they can. I know as I have talked to them. I think there are others of us, who are more non-binary so that we don't fit quite as neatly. I now know that I am a trans guy. But it took me longer as I think to some extent I am non-binary but feel that my body is wrong for who I am, but my brain is more mixed. If you feel like this it is a lot less clear what to do and who you are.
I think therapy helped and so did a lot of thought and so on. I hope this makes some degree of sense.

--Jay

[Anna]

I don't feel that confused in myself. My confusion is how to best be myself and (the bane of my life) keep those I love happy and still lead the life I want without having to compromise. If I stay male I compromise. If I transition I compromise. If I could make a wish & wake up a natural female tomorrow I would do it without a second thought. If I had £2m in the bank and the docs could give me a perfect female voice and decent body I think I would leave everyone I know in the world behind and start a new life. 

I hate the suicidal thoughts that come with living to keep others happy. I don't think any of them understand this. None of them. No matter how much they think they love you they really love what they want you to be for them.

I suppose the issue is how much one has to lose. I still feel I have something to lose.

[michelle]

One way I have found to deal with my self image as a transgender women is to take various photos of myself out and about at home.   Then I use the old Webshots program or the new one to rotate these pictures along with a multitude of other pictures from Hubble Shots to pictures I have taken from the places I live.    I notice that how I perceive my self as a woman changes from time to time depending on how I feel.   Even though I have never taken hormones or had surgery I have dressed 24/7/365 as a woman since 2008.      Michelle started coming out of her cocoon in 1999.     

How you deal with and feel about the changing perceptions of yourself might help you sort your way through your confusion.

[michelle]

As a person who has spent most of her life trying to please others, I think the best way to be the person you are meant to be, is to let yourself alone, and just let yourself be.   This is way hard for me because I am usually more critical of myself than others are.   When it comes to criticism concerning myself, I usually beat the world to punch and supersize my criticism of myself thus making the world criticism of me minuscule by comparison.

Thus I have come to the conclusion that the best way to be the person you are meant to be is to leave yourself alone and just be.    Guide yourself by how you feel and not what you think.   

And this is coming from a supersized over thinker to boot!!!!