Hi there Aleah, I myself find a lot of similarities between what you have written and my own life. I tried being a man and it just wasn't working for me. I couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried, I thought I was a crossdresser because I liked wearing women's clothing when I was a kid. I even joined a club in my early 20s and thought that maybe if I could dress up once a week I would be okay. Almost all of the other CDers were deathly afraid of being outside and having anyone see them. I was different. I wanted to go out and do things. I didn't want to be cooped up in a club talking sports to someone else in a dress.
I spent probably just as much of life as you did trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me? I just didn't know and I couldn't put a finger on it, I even went a few years without any crossdressing desires of any sort. I managed to keep the genie in the bottle for a little while. Once I started to figure out the puzzle of my life, I was petrified to do anything about it. I remember pacing around the house for hours trying to get the courage up to go to a TS support group. I just could not get up the courage.
I liken my own day of reckoning as something similar to a nervous breakdown. The world seemed to be slowing down and eventually I felt like I was the only living person left in the world. It had finally come down to me vs. the world. Here I was looking in the mirror and thinking "it couldn't be me. I'm no transsexual! They are all born boys, raised as girls, are all pretty, etc,etc etc". I had filled my world with doubts and disbelief. I tried my hardest to convince myself I wasn't "one of those people". I was normal. Yeah right, that didn't work out too well. The more normal I tried to be the more miserable I became. Then I learned, a little about myself and started to come the conclusion that I was like everyone else, no different. I wanted those hormones. I wanted the sterility they promised, the boobs, lack of body hair. That's when I stated making my moves. I wasn't ready to deal with myself just yet but I was willing to do something about it.
I started off with some bad advice and self medicating. There were tons of people online willing to play doctor with other peoples lives. I actually don't consider that to be the start of my transition though, because I was just playing around. I would pop a few pills and wear some female clothes under the male clothes or be a little more bold and go out. But it wasn't just crossdressing, it was me that was wrong. I needed to be a girl. I could care less what clothes I wore as long as I was a female I was okay.
I also started at that time to learn and understand the standards of care. It was then that I stared at that document, printed it out, and read it over and over and over that I knew what had to be done. So I decided to start with electrolysis. I had read stories over the years of removing facial hair and always dreamed it was me. Suddenly it was me, for real. That's when the real transition started for me. I knew what I needed to do, the guidelines, the process, the rules of the road. That was the point in my life when I stated to be comfortable with who I am and I actually began to like myself for the first time ever. That's when I started to finally come across other people who were like me. It was also then that I started to run into successful transitioners and thinking, wow to be in that club. That would be the holy grail of my own life. When I finally got off the phony meds and actually in real medical care is when I started to see the real changes going on and I liked it, it wasn't just the physical aspect it was the psychological aspect. I actually finally for the first time ever felt like a normal person. I wasn't shy anymore, I felt happy and content. The poison (testosterone) was slowing draining out and leaving me with nothing but girl juice and I loved it.
The real test for me was full time living. Once I hit that point in my life, I knew it for certain. I knew that I was meant to be a girl. This was exactly the life that I should have been born into. Finally, after so many years I had figured it out. I was so happy (and still am!) that I finally faced down all of my own fears and worries and beat them all. I knew that SRS was also right for me as well so I felt comfortable with that. A few people actually tried to talk to me out of having the surgery, but I really needed it. I knew it was what would work for me. I know one thing for certain, it definitely cured my own gender dysphoria. I can't speak for anyone else, just me, but for me it worked, and very well.
I love feminine things and still do. The feeling of a soft body and skin, girl world, my long hair, being pretty, dressing up nice and professional for work. I've been living full time for almost 13 years now. It seems like forever ago. If I had to live even just one day as a man, it would rather be dead. I couldn't go back because to do so would be to turn my back on my own inner self. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering those bleak days as a reminder of what life was like, trying to find a happy day from before my transition and coming up empty handed. But can you tell from what I have written that I too had my own share of doubts and outright denial. Today I am at peace with world, finally happy in my own skin. Hope that helps!!
