I've been posting a lot, blogging a lot, reading a lot.. mainly to come to terms with my own trans feelings which I have only just started to express for the first time in my life.

I've written about this in several posts, usually that helps me feel better. I've beaten around the bush about it in blog posts, except recently where I have been brutally honest.

I'm posting to see if anyone has shared my experiences.. I already know 2 girls that are both post-op that are very similar to me, gone through a lot of the same self doubt and soul searching and do not fit the standard "known since 5" transsexual narrative.

I do not fit the standard transsexual narrative.. but I've decided to transition and I've done a lot:

• been to a psychiatrist and a psychologist for 2 GID assessments - both were happy to approve me for hormones in 2-3 sessions
• 3 months on full HRT
• 5 sessions of laser - almost no shadow
• came out to immediate family and friends - mostly accepting
• been out a handful of times - very little human interaction with strangers yet
• sexual experiences with 3 guys as myself - before and after starting transition - validating and enjoyable experiences

I identify as a transsexual.. even though I haven't always, since I was 18 I thought I was just a crossdresser, then at 20-21 I thought I was an autogynephile and had fleeting thoughts of transition, I realised I wasn't since the crossdressing was about passing, the sexual activity was incidental.. then over a year ago at 23-24 when I started thinking about transition and learning about transsexuality (I had no concept of gender identity before that, I never really thought of what I identified as, I just had these urges to be female).. I started to realise that I was transgender, it was the only thing that explained my urge to become a female and it made sense.

So here is a list of things that is causing me doubts, hopefully someone who has been in my situation might have had experience with some of these:

• I never questioned my gender - never really thought about it - I was just "me" but I wanted to be female from time to time, there was long periods of time where I didn't really think about it but I would still crossdress
• I had no idea at childhood or through my early teenage life of any crossgender identification - I was severely depressed and anxious during most of my teenage years starting right after puberty and thought "I didn't feel like myself" but gender never came to my mind (except in a sexual capacity, I had female fantasies)
• I never thought I had gender dysphoria - not till I was 24 - I was depressed from time to time, I was always anxious, never wanted to socialize, found escapism online constantly, I very rarely smiled.. but linked it to gender? never
• even though I love being a girl - the experiences I have had really prove that, it feels right and makes me happy - but I still don't understand gender identity.. do I feel female? what does that even mean? I never felt male either? I WANT to feel female but I don't see a female in the mirror, maybe that's why?
• even though I have gender dysphoria now - I still am not sure if I NEED to transition, I certainly want to but is that enough? I'm certainly no where near the Do or Die stage and it's bit disconcerting I didn't always suffer from gender dysphoria
• I don't hate my genitals, kinda indifferent about them, they don't really do anything and are generally ignored during sex as myself

So now that list is out of the way, here's the good stuff, the reason I am transitioning and why I feel I am trans:

• well obviously - I want to be female, it's been a goal I've been working towards over a year now since I realised 
• I really enjoy being female with the little RLE that I've had, I feel calmer and more social-able and I've never been able to be intimate with anyone like I have been recently - all positive and validating
• I clearly had desires to be a female for a few years even though I never really took them seriously - there were times when I'd think about it every night but it always just seemed like a fantasy (and I put a lot of guilt and shame on the idea)
• I've been crossdressing and exploring my female sexuality for years - I even tried to get my ex-girlfriend to treat me as a female - that didn't work out so well
• despite the doubts and conflicting feelings - it makes me happy, I couldn't imagine just being male again
• I've never been masculine or had masculine interests - actually some feminine interests and I loved to grow my hair long
• I have no attachment to my male life and very few friends.. I'm much happier making new friends as myself
• I have no attachment to my male body - I have no concerns about regretting breasts or sterility and I wouldn't really care if my penis is gone now and I could see myself getting SRS but that would be something I have to feel I NEED

Sorry for the long run down of my personal trans story, just thought it might clarify things, I tried to be as brief as possible.. I'm not looking for anyone to tell me if I SHOULD or SHOULDNT transition, only I can make that decision for myself and I already have.. and I still intend to go through with it.

I just hope anyone who has had doubts or fits a similar trans narrative to me had any advice how they got over their doubts?

It's driving me crazy sometimes, it's all I can think about, I can't focus on anything and I don't want to lose my job.. I ask myself why am I putting myself through this? as if I am somehow the cause of my gender dysphoria by opening this cam of worms, I know it's stupid but thats what comes to mind sometimes but I don't see life anymore appealing going back and just forgetting it after I know how much happiness it can bring me is impossible.. I don't think i can be OK with being male again, to be honest the thought of being stuck in some kind of limbo is enough to get me so depressed that suicide starts to look far more appealing.

Am I alone in feeling like this?

TL;DR
How did you get over your doubts as a non-normative transsexual?

Quote from: Aleah on February 15, 2013, 03:09:17 AM
How did you get over your doubts as a non-normative transsexual?

There are some similarities between your story and mine, but also some differences..

But the bit I've quoted is the bit I thought most important - there's really no such thing as a 'normative transsexual'. No, really, there isn't.

Do you accept that you are a woman - regardless of the body you have? If so, you know what the smart choice is. Don't wait until it becomes a Do or Die deal, you end up an old, grumpy, party girl like me..

Your story is very similar to mine in a lot of ways actually. I grew up always thinking I was a crossdresser and I didn't think too much more of it although looking back there were other signs but they didn't stand out at the time. I never hated my genitalia and although I still don't hate it, I do plan on getting the surgery once I can. In fact I don't absolutely hate my body, it's meh in my opinion. I know what you do mean about looking in the mirror and not knowing if you see a female or a male, I've spent a lot more time than I should in front of the mirror wondering this and every time I come up with a different answer.

I know exactly what you mean concerning your fantasies, because for me whenever I fantasied I always imagined myself as a female with a guy and that didn't make any sense for so long because I was in this male body. For me that was a big tell that I was transgender but there were so many other things to go along with it.

I'm really curious about the social interaction you mention though because I found myself to be very quiet and shy growing up and I very rarely smiled honestly. I had only a few amount of friends and I was extremely awkward the huge majority of my time in school. I'm a lot less awkward and quiet now and it's possible that I just wasn't comfortable with being 100% male and now that I'm working on that outlet it might be allowing me to open up a little bit. Now I've been confused lately as well, and I've asked myself the same question-"Do I NEED to transition?" I think it's such a personal question to answer and it's so difficult to really pinpoint in my opinion. Overall what I think would happen to me is if I don't transition now, then I will end up doing it later in life and just regretting stopping. That's for me though after really contemplating everything.

As for being stuck in that limbo, it's an awful and depressing feeling that no one deserves to ever feel. It's bad enough to be unsure of your gender in the first place and then to re-question it is seriously painful in my opinion and I've spent my fair share of crying over it. One thing that really helped me keep transitioning and lessen the doubt was do something that made me happy. I actually got dressed up completely and I didn't look as bad as I did when I started and when I looked in the mirror I actually smiled on my own which never happens. It's stuff like that for me that makes me re-realize that transitioning is what I need.

I feel like this might be a bit of rambling, but I thought I would share my story and thoughts and maybe it helps you in some way, good luck!

<3 Emma

You are not so different from lot of us.
I have a theory  that GID makes your social anxiety and become little off body, you feel just like you, and don't know right source of your problems and as you don't interact with other people, you don't know much about differences between girls and boys, so you feel like total alien and don't understand other people.
It is my point of view and my logical conclusion form my experience which look similar to your.
When I transitioned and become partially socially useful  (still pretty scared of people, but much better and can write with them without problems) I suddenly saw what was just in front of me all the time. I finally feel complete but sad I didn't realize that much earlier, because I had already all the pieces of that GID puzzle.   

Hi there Aleah, I myself find a lot of similarities between what you have written and my own life. I tried being a man and it just wasn't working for me. I couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried, I thought I was a crossdresser because I liked wearing women's clothing when I was a kid. I even joined a club in my early 20s and thought that maybe if I could dress up once a week I would be okay. Almost all of the other CDers were deathly afraid of being outside and having anyone see them. I was different. I wanted to go out and do things. I didn't want to be cooped up in a club talking sports to someone else in a dress.

I spent probably just as much of life as you did trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me? I just didn't know and I couldn't put a finger on it, I even went a few years without any crossdressing desires of any sort. I managed to keep the genie in the bottle for a little while. Once I started to figure out the puzzle of my life, I was petrified to do anything about it. I remember pacing around the house for hours trying to get the courage up to go to a TS support group. I just could not get up the courage.

I liken my own day of reckoning as something similar to a nervous breakdown. The world seemed to be slowing down and eventually I felt like I was the only living person left in the world. It had finally come down to me vs. the world. Here I was looking in the mirror and thinking "it couldn't be me. I'm no transsexual! They are all born boys, raised as girls, are all pretty, etc,etc etc". I had filled my world with doubts and disbelief. I tried my hardest to convince myself I wasn't "one of those people". I was normal. Yeah right, that didn't work out too well. The more normal I tried to be the more miserable I became. Then I learned, a little about myself and started to come the conclusion that I was like everyone else, no different. I wanted those hormones. I wanted the sterility they promised, the boobs, lack of body hair. That's when I stated making my moves. I wasn't ready to deal with myself just yet but I was willing to do something about it.

I started off with some bad advice and self medicating. There were tons of people online willing to play doctor with other peoples lives. I actually don't consider that to be the start of my transition though, because I was just playing around. I would pop a few pills and wear some female clothes under the male clothes or be a little more bold and go out. But it wasn't just crossdressing, it was me that was wrong. I needed to be a girl. I could care less what clothes I wore as long as I was a female I was okay.

I also started at that time to learn and understand the standards of care. It was then that I stared at that document, printed it out, and read it over and over and over that I knew what had to be done. So I decided to start with electrolysis. I had read stories over the years of removing facial hair and always dreamed it was me. Suddenly it was me, for real. That's when the real transition started for me. I knew what I needed to do, the guidelines, the process, the rules of the road. That was the point in my life when I stated to be comfortable with who I am and I actually began to like myself for the first time ever. That's when I started to finally come across other people who were like me. It was also then that I started to run into successful transitioners and thinking, wow to be in that club. That would be the holy grail of my own life. When I finally got off the phony meds and actually in real medical care is when I started to see the real changes going on and I liked it, it wasn't just the physical aspect it was the psychological aspect. I actually finally for the first time ever felt like a normal person. I wasn't shy anymore, I felt happy and content. The poison (testosterone) was slowing draining out and leaving me with nothing but girl juice and I loved it.

The real test for me was full time living. Once I hit that point in my life, I knew it for certain. I knew that I was meant to be a girl. This was exactly the life that I should have been born into. Finally, after so many years I had figured it out. I was so happy (and still am!) that I finally faced down all of my own fears and worries and beat them all. I knew that SRS was also right for me as well so I felt comfortable with that. A few people actually tried to talk to me out of having the surgery, but I really needed it. I knew it was what would work for me. I know one thing for certain, it definitely cured my own gender dysphoria. I can't speak for anyone else, just me, but for me it worked, and very well.

I love feminine things and still do. The feeling of a soft body and skin, girl world, my long hair, being pretty, dressing up nice and professional for work. I've been living full time for almost 13 years now. It seems like forever ago. If I had to live even just one day as a man, it would rather be dead. I couldn't go back because to do so would be to turn my back on my own inner self.  Sometimes I have a hard time remembering those bleak days as a reminder of what life was like, trying to find a happy day from before my transition and coming up empty handed. But can you tell from what I have written that I too had my own share of doubts and outright denial. Today I am at peace with world, finally happy in my own skin. Hope that helps!!

I have similar concerns, you're. Not alone many things make what we are. I not sure anymore. Too. Sometimes we are to harsh on ourselves.
I would just prefer to be normal but what would normal be for me.
!

Thanks everyone. It's nice to know I'm not alone in these feelings.

Zumbagirl, it's nice to hear from someone has transitioned and has shared a similar experience. I was so sure when I first started, I didn't know much about it but I knew it was what I wanted, so much so that for a year I worked towards that goal till eventually I got on hormones.

I was happy when I first got on hormones, but thats when I started doubting a bit, I guess the reality of the situation sunk in - it was no longer a dream, I was irreversibly changing my body (into something I wanted). I thought it was just cold feet at first, it's scary after all. So I stuck with it, I started to get some RLE and experience things, I felt good about it so I thought, "I'll come out to my parents, they need to know plus it'll give me the freedom to do more and to experience more". I thought coming out would squash the tiny nagging doubt, well at first I was so focused on coming out that I really did feel certain for a bit. I was convincing enough to both my parents that they are mostly accepting.

There is a relief that it was over but at the same time I had done something irreversible - it was a weird feeling a mixture of happiness and trepidation.

Then I went back to my GP and asked to be put on Oestrogen a head of schedule, since I had come out, I was trying to slow down the transition for my parents sake but no reason to anymore. The first few days were great, I felt really good, I was happy and calm.. I still feel happier and calmer but that hasn't made the doubts go away.

The little RLE that I've had has been validating, I feel happy and calm, I feel like myself. There is nothing weird about it, there is nothing forced or unnatural about anything I do. I actually enjoy it despite being still quite terrified. I've only been out like 3 times where it involved people, only passed maybe a dozen people.

I guess as you say it will take going full-time to be certain or at least a lot more RLE. It's funny though, my therapist seems to be more convinced than myself and he echoed the same thing, that full-time RLE will be the real test but that my desire is evident. I've been as myself, he said my body language was natural and relaxed and that I looked happier. Can't argue with that 

I don't think there was any decision in my life I didn't worry about, maybe it's just me being me and not any real concerns.

I've felt the same way, there was many times that I felt male as a child but there was also times when I enjoyed wearing dresses (especially these really frilly ones my grandma would sew for me) and having my hair braided. I never sat there though and thought "I am really a boy" or told my parents I was a boy like I've heard other FTMs say. I remember thinking that I was a tomboy though I never quite fit into that category. I basically feel exactly how you described in the opening post. It's such a huge decision to decide to transition, and I am still trying to decide if I "need" to transition at all, even though I know I am happier presenting as male. I still need to go see a gender therapist, but I think I've been putting off looking for one since taking that step I feel would surely lead me "down the rabbit hole" where there's no coming back to just being a girl.