Memories

[AdamMLP]

I have no idea if this is a trans related issue, or a depression related issue, or if it's something else all together.  Might even be normal for all I know.  But either way I thought that some people here might either be able to chime in if it is just normal, or to do with trans/depression, or something else.

Most of my memory doesn't work properly.  A lot of my childhood, or anything older than a year, sometimes less, I can't remember, or I can only remember bits of.  The best way to describe how it feels is like when you wake up from a dream and you can remember parts of it, and the general gist of it, but not the finer details or what order it went in, and the whole thing is fuzzy and somehow disconnected.  I get the feeling that it's not normal from when I was having to see shrinks and they would ask why I did certain things and I had no idea, and then they got annoyed and assumed I was just being uncooperative all the time.  The other day I was talking to someone in the pub and they swore they could remember being in a pram in their garden with the bees flying around one summer when they were really little, and the earliest thing that I remember was when I was five or six and doing a reenactment of Lewis Carroll's Jabberwocky at school.

I don't have any problem remembering school work and things, I've always gotten really good grades with next to no revision, so it's not everything I forget, just personal things.

My theories are that I'm disconnecting from the past for some reason, either because I was "female" then, or because I spent most of my life after the age of seven floating in and out of depression.  That doesn't always make sense though because I struggled to remember things before I realised I was trans, and it's not just the really bad times that I blank out, sometimes they're the only parts I can remember.

Anyone have any input on why this is happening, or if it's just normal?  I really don't want to forget all the things that have made me who I am today as much as I would sometimes like to.

[Devin87]

I feel that way.  I don't think it's a trans thing.  I think it's just getting older.

[ford]

Honestly that sounds pretty normal to me. I can't remember anything prior to 5 years old, and then I can just remember little snippets and even those I'm not sure if they are real. Most of my childhood is contained in a series of still images in my head...just a few. I've always figured that memory is really fickle, and not to be trusted.

I was watching some home movies recently that my sister found and transferred to DVD. I have zero recollection of 99% of the situations depicted happening. I've even gone back and read diaries that I wrote in college when my dysphoria was consuming me, and I find myself thinking 'woah. that happened??'

[AdamMLP]

Really?  Most people I know were always talking about when they were in pre-school, so 3 or 4 ish, or things like that.  I can sort of understand forgetting things that young, but I can hardly remember anything from two summers ago where I met my partner at the time for the first time.  They used to talk about things that they remembered really clearly and I had no recollection of it at all.  The fact that recent things are like that bothers me.

[Alex308]

I can't really remember any specific details from my childhood. My mom will always bring up things we did and I won't remember and she'll be like why did I take you to do all this fun stuff if you don't even remember any of it.
I always assumed it was normal. I think most people don't remember anything from their childhood but I could be wrong, I haven't really asked anybody.

[Blaine]

I don't really remember much before I moved to Vegas (7 years old), mainly because I had a pretty unremarkable childhood. I remember the bad things, and a few good things, but I mostly just "remember" things that have been told to me so many times I've convinced myself I was there. It's like I suddenly came into existence during second grade. It seems like this is normal to me.

[Contravene]

I don't think it's a trans thing but it may have to do with depression or stress.

I have a really good memory, especially for details, down to the point where I can quote something I've read then tell you the exact page number that quote can be found on. But there are times when I just seem to have whole patches of memories missing and I don't know why. For example, my sister was talking about how I wrecked my car once in a really minor accident and drove a rental for about two weeks. I told her I never had a rental car like the one she described but the entire family agreed that I did despite me having no recollection of it at all even though it had happened only a year or two ago. I think the reason why I can't remember any of what she described was because of the intense stress I was under at the time. Even with her reminding me, I still can't remember at all.

It's pretty rare but there have been other instances of this happening for me where I'll forget something as if it never happened and even after someone reminds me, I still can't recall the memory of it. It always seems that the things I forget occurred during extremely stressful times in my life though so that might be the explanation.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

I remember snippets of my childhood, some are early (5ish) and most are later (early preteen and teenage).  I think most people don't really remember their early childhood.  Those memories are probably from pictures and stories they have been told.

[Adam (birkin)]

I had a really hard time cementing anything into my memory up until I began T. Honestly. I forgot faces, events, places, everything. So I do think it can, in some cases, be a trans thing. For me, I was constantly dissociating.

[aleon515]

I had a fairly happy childhood. I don't recall before 4-5. I have heard that when you are younger that you recall earlier. I think it has to do with growing up and brain developmental. This would be a bit individual.

--Jay

[MadelineB]

I have no idea if this is a trans related issue, or a depression related issue, or if it's something else all together.  Might even be normal for all I know.  But either way I thought that some people here might either be able to chime in if it is just normal, or to do with trans/depression, or something else.

Most of my memory doesn't work properly.  A lot of my childhood, or anything older than a year, sometimes less, I can't remember, or I can only remember bits of.  The best way to describe how it feels is like when you wake up from a dream and you can remember parts of it, and the general gist of it, but not the finer details or what order it went in, and the whole thing is fuzzy and somehow disconnected.  I get the feeling that it's not normal from when I was having to see shrinks and they would ask why I did certain things and I had no idea, and then they got annoyed and assumed I was just being uncooperative all the time.....

I don't have any problem remembering school work and things, I've always gotten really good grades with next to no revision, so it's not everything I forget, just personal things.

My theories are that I'm disconnecting from the past for some reason, either because I was "female" then, or because I spent most of my life after the age of seven floating in and out of depression.  That doesn't always make sense though because I struggled to remember things before I realised I was trans, and it's not just the really bad times that I blank out, sometimes they're the only parts I can remember.

Anyone have any input on why this is happening, or if it's just normal?  I really don't want to forget all the things that have made me who I am today as much as I would sometimes like to.

This was my experience. It's good that you are in a safe place emotionally where you can get treatment and ask questions. I wasn't, so I didn't piece it together until I was 40. A good shrink can help determine if it is something organic (defect in your brain's long term memory functions) or cognitive (thoughts working to protect you from stuff you aren't ready to deal with).

In my case, at 17 when I went away to college 3000 miles from home, I had amnesia about most of the details of my previous life. I knew enough facts to fake it, but I couldn't even remember the faces of key family members I had been living with a few months before. But anything not home or childhood or teen year related I could recall, like school, and jobs that I held, and books that I read. Weird.

For me, it turned out that I had suffered severe emotional trauma growing up, and to protect myself my mind had compartmentalized and de-accessed the memories of abuse, neglect, and trauma, and anything that would trigger those memories, which ended up being pretty much everything.

When I was finally ready to remember, over a number of years the memories came back (the awful stuff but also 17 years worth of good and neutral stuff too). Today I have clear, confirmed memories dating back to infancy, though I still choose not to dwell on, or try to recover in detail, memories of the awful stuff. I know enough to work with my shrink to heal from the trauma, I do not need the details which would only re-traumatize me.

I can now remember what it felt like at 11, 13, 15, 17 to realize that I kept forgetting my life, that I couldn't remember stuff that happened more than 6 months or a year ago, except the sanitized summary version to go along with the few pictures in the family photo albums. I thought my memory was messed up, or I was mentally ill. It was scary and distressing. But not as scary and distressing as it would have been to remember it all.

In my case, there was no organic brain disfunction. After I got out on my own at 17, and could make my own safety and build my own nest, the new forgettings didn't happen any more. Though I did tend to realize/remember I was trans, then freak out and forget it again for a while.

[Arch]

I have gaps in my memory. Mostly upsetting stuff. I remember that I broke up with S and that I was quite brutal about it and that he was crying, but that's all I remember. I remember breaking up with B the first time but not the second time when he became so upset. I don't remember anything about what happened with D. We were together when I was 18, and then there's a big gap. I remember parking my car at school one day and thinking, "Whatever happened to D? What happened to our relationship? When was the last time we even talked?"

I remember my molestation, but only up to a point. I was staring up at the ceiling, and then I just left my body, sort of.

I remember being raped, but only up to a point. The rest is just...gone.

I had quite a lot of gaps when I was a kid. I would do things and not remember them. I would blame my brother because I had no memory of what I had done. I would find things moved around in my room, and I knew that I hadn't moved them. Like my watch. I thought I had lost it, but I had just put it somewhere weird and not remembered. Finding my watch again--completely by accident--did nothing to jog my memory.

My therapist has told me that we don't just block out traumatic events; we can also have memory lapses when we are under immense stress, which (let's face it) I often was when I was a child. I've seen a version of this in my ex. He would become so agitated that he literally would not remember things that had happened. For example, he denied ever having known I was trans, yet I had come out to him in our first year together, talked about it with him endlessly (even discussed surgery), used the men's room with him, amassed a fairly large collection of trans books that were neatly filed a few feet away from him at that very moment.

I feel that a lot of these memories were just never formed. But some things I wouldn't remember--I guess I just filed them away and refused to look at them--and now they are coming back.

So I'm frustrated about the things I can't remember, and I am haunted by the things I buried that are returning against my will. One's as bad as the other...

[randomroads]

I remember many things before my brother was born when I was 11. After that the abuse started and everything is very fuzzy and I'm lucky to remember a few things. Most of it has nothing to do with my home life. I think my brain has blocked out a lot of the pain and therefor hidden a lot of my memories from me.

[John Smith]

I think I have a fairly good memory of my childhood, both good and bad stuff, but the chronology is a bit off, and I was never good at remembering people. The memory consist of snippets from various points in time, but those snippets are very well preserved. Some of the oldest memories are "fabricated", based on pictures I've seen, stories told, then my imagination filled in the surroundings.

[sneakersjay]

I think most people only remember snippets.  I have a memory from about 3 years old where I was stepping over a vacuum cleaner in our apartment.  And my grandmother spanking me.  Just random stuff.  I have more memories from when I was older (ie >10) but just snippets from when I was younger.


Jay

[DriftingCrow]

I think it's normal as well to only remember bits and pieces, even from stuff pretty recent. Of course, there's some people out there with really awesome memories who can remember things from a very young age (like my husband can remember his first birthday, even things that weren't in photos or on video, or that people have told him over the years. But, he's really really smart and that's probably why).

I think it can be trans related, like Caleb said his memory got better once he started T. I think being stressed out or not feeling comfortable can affect memories.

I can't remember much of anything, I am not even totally sure what day of the week it is half the time, I just run on autopilot and do what my phone's calendar says (though, I know Article 2 of the Uniform Commercial Code like the back of my hand). But, for me, I don't think it's trans related, because I've had several concussions and my memory got much worse after my second to last concussion.

[N.Chaos]

I've got entire years that are a blur for me.
Certain situations are still there, sickeningly clear and way more vivid than I want them to be, but the aftermath is usually a big black stain where all I know is that it was bad.

I've got a lot of memories from the time before I moved, when i was about 8. After that its uncomfortable shadows and things that are still too fresh, even over a decade later.

[Natkat]

I remember my teen years well, but not my childhood anything from 2-3 year old to - 11 are pretty limited as in picture as another life who isnt mine.
I somethimes remember certain situations and the main fellings "happy" "sad" "anger" but I still cant complitely relate its more like if I where looking at another person.
-
I dont know if its normal or not.
I dont think I had a bad childhood exept for when people started to make me act like a girl, however I been told my my first grade teacher that I had a bad childhood before I got in special class. She told me I been very unhappy, and that I had to go to the hospital for being dignose, even been told I might had been sexually abused in the young age (but I dont remember who said that)
I dont remember any of it and it makes me upset, but I guess I cant really change it anyway.

[AdamMLP]

Thanks guys, it's comforting to know that I'm not messed up in the head and other people have the same sort of memories, and even more comforting to know that one or two people's memories have gotten better after T.  I'd rather not forget whole patches of my life, especially now where there's good stuff that I want to remember, that's why I make a point to reminisce quite often with my girlfriend about things so that I don't totally forget all the good times we've had.

I haven't had any serious head injuries that I know of, or ever taken illegal drugs.

And for the people who mentioned therapists, I'm still in hiding from mine, he was a sadist, and I'm holding off transition encase going to my GP alerts him that we never rescheduled that meeting a year ago, or he demands that he will be the one to see me like he did before even though I explicitly asked not to see him.  So talking it over with a therapist isn't really an option for me.  There also seems to be a big cultural difference between here and the US on things like that, any problem and you don't see the shame in talking to a therapist about it, and over here we do our best not to talk about our mental health problems.  We've got an advert/commerical on TV at the moment with the theme that it's okay to talk about mental health and it makes me feel so uncomfortable I have to leave the room most time's it comes on.

[democration]

I have the same trouble remembering really pretty recent stuff, which sucks. I've tried to tell myself that I should write about the important stuff, like in a journal or blog or something, but I never get around to it. I did for a little while a few years ago and it's interesting to have stuff that old to go back to and re-read as your older self. At the moment I've got a blog that I try to post in like once a month... but honestly my life hasn't been that exciting lately.