Gender Questioner Here

[QuestionKnot]

Hello everyone,
I've been questioning my gender identity for a spell now. I feel female but sometimes want male traits and it really messes with my head. This is the way I have felt about myself since I was about 5 years old, so I doubt it's a phase. I am an androgynous person when it comes to my appearance and interests. I lean towards the feminine but Im more or less of center.

I like my female body the way it is, but there are times when I hang around strong, masculine men that I become envious and crave having their physic (lack of breasts, lower voices, strong upper body, etc). I feel a hole in my heart when I am told I cannot join all male spaces. I feel good when people see me as male and refer to me with male pronouns.

I stumbled onto the transgender community when a year ago I was looking up ways to lower my voice on youtube and found the vlogs of some transmen. When I saw their 1 year on T videos my heart lept. I saw what happened to their bodies and thought "Oh my god this is something people can actually do!" and obsessively watched those videos daydreaming about how this could be me one day.

And then there are times when I think I'm psychotic for wanting those things because I do enjoy my female body as it is. I also identify with female pronouns and being seen as female. But still...the periods of seeing myself as masculine and wanting a masculine body do come and go still.

So...yeah. I have made an appointment with a gender therapist and will be speaking to him very soon. I find myself hoping he tells me I'm trans* so I can finally feel confident in masculinizing my body, but I also find myself afraid of losing my female body. So Im coming here hoping that some people can relate to my story and help me figure out what's going on.

I appreciate any support and help you can offer.

[V M]

Hi QuestionKnot 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here

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Hugs

V M

[GendrKweer]

The thing is, sexual identity and expression is totally fluid and depends on how much you care to fit in or not. You just have to decide how much of an outlier you want to be, how much attention (or lack thereof) you are comfortable receiving, etc. For example, I like going back and forth in my presentation as I feel, and also depending on where I travel, even though I feel female and have undergone full bottom surgery (tho not top, again, something I don't care about). For my work, I don't need to worry about passing, so that makes things easy. I know people who are all shades in between on the spectrum... including several females who continue to be called by their female name and "she" but who have been on T for many years, and are otherwise entirely passably masculine, right down to their goatees and straight girlfriends.  Maybe that's what you might like to work towards? If so, ain't nothing wrong with it. Get a good therapist and have a chat; that'll clear a lot up in your head. Then take whatever steps you need to take with open eyes, and you'll be fine. Good luck!

[Jamie D]

Hey there QuestionKnot!  Welcome to Susan's Place.  It just occurred to me your screen name would be worth a lot of point in Scrabble.

Anyway, you will find a number of us non-binaries posting and socializing over in the Androgyne forum.  It's always nice to get another visitor over in the Unicorn Forest.  🙂

[Cindy]

Hi and welcome,

One thing you learn here is that we are all normal and never be afraid of who you are

Cindy

[Erik Ezrin]

Welcome to Susan's place
I'm pretty new myself too. But yeah, I get what you mean... I sometimes wonder whether I actually want to go 'the full road' and whether I don't just want to be a man because they are 'allowed' to wear and do things that women are frowned for upon. (Is that even proper English, lol!? Probably not...) I don't quite feel androgynous though, I feel male from the inside, but there are simply some things that I frankly like of being a female. But there are also lot's of things I DON'T like of being who I physically am.
Sometimes I think I must be crazy or going crazy. That I just have to learn to live with myself, y'know. Even though I know that's not the case, sometimes this 'cisgirl voice' pops up in my head, telling me that it's wrong to be trans, etc. that I'm stupid and am only getting myself in a whole lot of trouble by doing this. Making life harder than it has to be...

But when you have a pair of shoes that fit, but only just, and hurt with walking, etc. would you keep those shoes if you find a new pair that fits perfectly and feel great?
That is sort of how I feel. Being female is... meh... okay, manageable, but not a particularly pleasant experience, while being male just 'clicks' whenever I just think about it. If that makes sense.

[QuestionKnot]

The thing is, sexual identity and expression is totally fluid and depends on how much you care to fit in or not. You just have to decide how much of an outlier you want to be, how much attention (or lack thereof) you are comfortable receiving, etc.

Yeah for me I it only matters what people see me as if I want to be friends with them or date them. As far as total strangers go I couldnt care less what people think (unless they wanna threaten me or whatever). So fitting in isn't a big deal to me. I like being perceived as male, female, or both/neither.

I know people who are all shades in between on the spectrum... including several females who continue to be called by their female name and "she" but who have been on T for many years, and are otherwise entirely passably masculine, right down to their goatees and straight girlfriends.  Maybe that's what you might like to work towards? If so, ain't nothing wrong with it. Get a good therapist and have a chat; that'll clear a lot up in your head. Then take whatever steps you need to take with open eyes, and you'll be fine. Good luck!

There are women who transition and still identify as women? Do these women have any blogs or whatever that I can check out? Those might be the people I have the most in common with. And thankyou! I hope my therapist can help me figure out whats up and what to do.

Hey there QuestionKnot!  Welcome to Susan's Place.  It just occurred to me your screen name would be worth a lot of point in Scrabble.

Anyway, you will find a number of us non-binaries posting and socializing over in the Androgyne forum.  It's always nice to get another visitor over in the Unicorn Forest. 

Hey there Jamie! I'll be sure to check out the Androgyne forums. Looked through it a few times already and they seem like my kinda people.

Hi and welcome,

One thing you learn here is that we are all normal and never be afraid of who you are

Cindy

Thanks Cindy that's very true.

But when you have a pair of shoes that fit, but only just, and hurt with walking, etc. would you keep those shoes if you find a new pair that fits perfectly and feel great?
That is sort of how I feel. Being female is... meh... okay, manageable, but not a particularly pleasant experience, while being male just 'clicks' whenever I just think about it. If that makes sense.

Hey Erik. Out of all of the things you said this part clicked with me the most. I keep telling myself transition should only be an option to the most extreme cases of dysphoria, but then I remember something. For a long time I could see fairly well but things were fuzzy. I went years seeing things like that. Then I got glasses because the fuzziness started to bother me. I could see but jeez...

With the glasses I could not just see what I needed to but everything was clear and crisp and amazing to look at! I was amazed at how much I adjusted to my mediocre vision and thought that was totally normal. Sometimes I wonder if going on testosterone and sculpting my body to me more male is the same way. Im good with my body as is, but dang I'd kill for a lower voice and muscular masculine body...so why not go for it? Something to think about...

Anywho thankyou for the welcomes everyone. Your so awesome! I think this place is gonna be a lot of fun. :3

[GendrKweer]

"There are women who transition and still identify as women? Do these women have any blogs or whatever that I can check out? Those might be the people I have the most in common with. And thankyou! I hope my therapist can help me figure out whats up and what to do."

Of course there are such people! 🙂 Unfortunately, the two I know--and they are some of the more interesting people I know--are quite private and would not welcome any attention, let alone blog. But that isn't so important anyway, because their road is not yours, and vice versa. Why oh why would it be wrong to modify your body if that's what you feel, while retaining the sense of "she" in your head? It IS your body, amirite? As long as you are aware of many things good and bad (including added health risks, bad attention, perhaps diminished job prospects, diminished partner prospects, work required to present however you like to present, money it costs, possible irreversibility of changes, possible loss of family and friends.... whew, I leave anything out?? then it is entirely up to you to express yourself as you see fit. And don't discount the possibility that the "she" in your head will slowly, over a few years, change almost imperceptibly to a "he". Or something in between. Or something else entirely. Be informed, be honest, and you'll be fine. 🙂

[QuestionKnot]

Of course there are such people! 🙂 Unfortunately, the two I know--and they are some of the more interesting people I know--are quite private and would not welcome any attention, let alone blog. But that isn't so important anyway, because their road is not yours, and vice versa.

This is true.

Why oh why would it be wrong to modify your body if that's what you feel, while retaining the sense of "she" in your head? It IS your body, amirite?

Hah! Well, yeah that's definitely true. But since so many trans people trantision to become more like the typical body type of their mental gender one might think a cis person doing the opposite would become unhappy. Or that's at least my assumption. So reading stories like the women you mentioned would make me feel a little more at ease about my situation.

As long as you are aware of many things good and bad (including added health risks, bad attention, perhaps diminished job prospects, diminished partner prospects, work required to present however you like to present, money it costs, possible irreversibility of changes, possible loss of family and friends.... whew, I leave anything out?? then it is entirely up to you to express yourself as you see fit. And don't discount the possibility that the "she" in your head will slowly, over a few years, change almost imperceptibly to a "he". Or something in between. Or something else entirely. Be informed, be honest, and you'll be fine.

I find it interesting that the perception of one's gender identity might change when their body changes. I would think something like that would never change, and that since many transexuals perceive themselves to be one gender despite their body I would that that would show how separate your perception of yourself is from your physic. Unless your saying that your friends started to think of themselves are more male or a 3rd gender?

sorry I hate to drag this out, but you brought up some really interesting things there.

[Maribeth12]

 😮 OMG questionknot I feel the sameway! Whenever I am around girls I'm always thinking to myself "I so wish I was one of them but then I feel bad about myself for feeling girlie! But if I could I would soo trade spaces with you!

~Maribeth~

[DanaRSS]

I like my female body the way it is, but there are times when I hang around strong, masculine men that I become envious and crave having their physic (lack of breasts, lower voices, strong upper body, etc). I feel a hole in my heart when I am told I cannot join all male spaces. I feel good when people see me as male and refer to me with male pronouns.

Aw, I feel for you!    I think we have a lot in common in terms of the internal experience.  If you feel like shooting me a PM, I'm happy to talk more; I'm not on the forum every day though, so it might be a couple days before I write back.  Kudos on seeing a gender therapist.  Aside from that, here are the two things I've found to be most important, so hopefully they're helpful for you too.

First, it might help to carve out what 'guy' social spaces you can, and see how you feel when socializing with people who recognize and treat you as a man.  For me, once I did that it was a huge relief, like a weight was lifted.  If there are trans or general LGBT social groups in your area, that might be easiest, plus stuff online of course.

Also, in connection with that, it might help to try more temporary or low-impact things with your body before considering hormones or surgery.  Like getting a binder, finding men's clothes that fit well and look good on you, and working out.  One thing that helped me was building muscle in the shoulders, which gives a more masculine shape, but not so much that I can't see myself as a woman when that feels more natural.  If you know how much you can masculinize or androgynize your body without hormones or surgery, and how comfortable you feel at that point, that's essential information that helps you make an informed decision about more permanent changes.

Good luck, keep us updated!

[QuestionKnot]

Aw, I feel for you!    I think we have a lot in common in terms of the internal experience.  If you feel like shooting me a PM, I'm happy to talk more; I'm not on the forum every day though, so it might be a couple days before I write back. 

Its cool. Im not on every day either. Will shoot you a note in a bit. It's always nice to have someone to relate to about these kinda things. This issue overwhelms me sometimes.

First, it might help to carve out what 'guy' social spaces you can, and see how you feel when socializing with people who recognize and treat you as a man.  For me, once I did that it was a huge relief, like a weight was lifted.  If there are trans or general LGBT social groups in your area, that might be easiest, plus stuff online of course.

Also, in connection with that, it might help to try more temporary or low-impact things with your body before considering hormones or surgery.  Like getting a binder, finding men's clothes that fit well and look good on you, and working out.  One thing that helped me was building muscle in the shoulders, which gives a more masculine shape, but not so much that I can't see myself as a woman when that feels more natural.  If you know how much you can masculinize or androgynize your body without hormones or surgery, and how comfortable you feel at that point, that's essential information that helps you make an informed decision about more permanent changes.

Good luck, keep us updated!

Agreed. Alot of those things you mentioned are things I'm doing now actually, and it's helping a little.

I was gonna do everything I could without medical treatment, but I really want a lower voice sometimes (regardless of gender identity). This is pretty much how I feel about my voice currently:

[gennee]

Hi there QuestionKnot and welcome to the site.


🙂

[QuestionKnot]

Thanks Gennee :3

[DanaRSS]

Its cool. Im not on every day either. Will shoot you a note in a bit. It's always nice to have someone to relate to about these kinda things. This issue overwhelms me sometimes.

Agreed. Alot of those things you mentioned are things I'm doing now actually, and it's helping a little.

I was gonna do everything I could without medical treatment, but I really want a lower voice sometimes (regardless of gender identity). This is pretty much how I feel about my voice currently:

Wow, that clip from the Emperor's New Groove is so perfect for me too.  That's basically how I feel when I hear recordings of my voice.  (Although to be fair, a lot of cis people have told me that's how they feel too.  We're all used to our own voices sounding deeper because of the way the sound resonates in our heads.)

Got your PM, will reply soon!

[QuestionKnot]

Wow, that clip from the Emperor's New Groove is so perfect for me too.  That's basically how I feel when I hear recordings of my voice.  (Although to be fair, a lot of cis people have told me that's how they feel too.  We're all used to our own voices sounding deeper because of the way the sound resonates in our heads.)

Got your PM, will reply soon!

True. Cis people can feel that way about their voices too. Another reason why I doubt the possibility of me being trans sometimes. Which for some reason makes me really angry and sad all at the same time.

Alright, take your time there's no rush.