Could I be making myself TG?

[Emmaline]

For me, I was in denial my whole life- mainly because I did not know the tg condition existed or that transition was possible.  No conscious thoughts about gender, but a lot of devaluation of my self as I reacted in what I now realise where feminine instinctual reactions.
What convinced me was I could go back through all the traumatic events in my life, and if I switched out the boy for a little girl then they made total sense.

I was wondering myself if I was fooling myself, that it was not gender that was the issue but the wanting to be someone else.... anyone else.
  I tried the exercise of imagining me as an uber man... someone else who was fit, handsome, successful and rich.  Uhg.  I hated him.  Kill me.
Next I imagined myself as a female- a poorly paid store clerk.  Sign me up, my brain said.
I then imagined myself as a transexual woman working as a clerk, and I was not only fine with it, my brain started buzzing out ideas on how that ts clerk could improve her lifestyle and enjoyment.  It started thinking about cool hair cuts and places she had always wanted to go and events she always wanted to be part of... so on, and so forth.
In short, I felt connected to her, and cared for her well being.  It was natural.
I cannot say the same for uberman.

What I take from that is I cannot possibly succeed in the male gender.

Try that exercise and see what your instincts tell you.

[aleon515]

Thanks so many peeps for agreeing with me.   Anyway, I think therapy WILL help you figure it out. I'm sure it has helped a lot of people do this, myself included. But you need to give it time and it IS a process. Make sure you are comfortable with your therapist and after that be honest with yourself.

--Jay

[Zoe Snow]

Anyway, I think therapy WILL help you figure it out. I'm sure it has helped a lot of people do this, myself included. But you need to give it time and it IS a process. Make sure you are comfortable with your therapist and after that be honest with yourself.

I just got back from my first therapy session.  I have to agree, it IS a process, and for me it will most likely be a long one.  I feel like we barely scratched the surface, and that there is a lot of work still left to do.

[E-Brennan]

Emmaline, my instincts vary from week to week - that's where I'm struggling right now!  Today, I'm still feeling fairly comfortable in my own skin, and switching to female would be a "want" and not a "need".  But in a couple of weeks, I can guarantee that I'll be 100% female and desperate to transition.  It's these ups and downs that are killing me, because I never know where I stand.  It's as if I need a female skin in the closet for some days, and a male skin for others.  Except that sounds really creepy, but you know what I mean.

I like your thought process though.  I've often sat and watched women go by at the mall, and there are few who I would not swap bodies with in an instant, even those who are three decades older than me or 100lbs heavier or whatever.  Given the choice between a difficult female life - even a short one - and a luxurious male life, I'd still choose female any day of the week.

[Ltl89]

E-Brennan,

It sounds like you may benefit from getting this out there to someone in real life.  I really would speak with a therapist.  There is no fear that you will become less or more trans.  The only fear is that you will be facing yourself.  I know it's easier to run away from that at times, but in the long run it will be a lot better for you.  I wish you well in your journey and hope you take the proper steps to find what will bring you peace.  In the meantime, everyone is here for you. 

[Emmaline]

+1 on here for you.
+1 on sticking at therapy!

Btw, though some of us feel we need to move to the opposite gender strongly does not mean we expect you to fit into the gender binary- dont feel that pressure.  Perhaps your road is finding peace inbetween and being gender fluid.  You should explore that option with your therapist.   Regardless we are all here for you.  Gender issues link us all.
  (Hugs)

[Stella Stanhope]

I've been wondering the same thing too!

Interesting to see so many replies as well.

Its also been a background thing for me - wanting to identify with females and liking female presentation etc. But its only when I discovered the word "transgender" and what it meant, that my brain suddenly woke up and thought "Sh*t! All these years of thinking like this could be serious, we must understand this so it doesn't cause a problem".

Yes I do think that you have to have an issue in the first place to even begin looking for answers usually. You'll only google "stomach cancer" if you have stomach issues on the first place. Very few people seem to latch on to a notion or a condition without feeling any connection or experiencing anything similar in the first place. There always seems to be a trigger, and then some sort of realisation.

I feel I've encouraged my increasing dysphoria by beginnign to crossdress and explore the feelings I've had. But this guilt and self-hatred is tempered by the fact that I didn't sent out to cause problems for myself, and all the stuff inside would have burst through anyway, probably at an even worser time.

My sexuality for instance - I worry that I've turned myself bisexual as t I now fantasise about being intimate with guys since I started crossdressing and becoming more open-minded. However, I've always felt a strange feeling to be receptive to guy's advances, and enjoy men lookingat me, something feels natural about it, even though I'm not attracted to men. It's like I have a half built female straight sexuality in my head, that may be now in the process of fully wiring-up...

Anyone else had something similar?

So, keep looking into things, and keep a level-head and an open-mind. Hopefully this could minimise any potential to jump to conclusions or even generate any OCD-like thoughts that can cloud the whole issue.

Good luck!

[Emmaline]

The key word there is worry.

I dont worry that I may be bisexual, so what if I finally figure I am?
  Its who I am and I should be okay with it.
Right now I identify as lesbian, but imagine that may broaden with hormones.  So long as I am comfortable - besides I am married to a great girl who identifies as bi, and loves the idea of transition- so even if I start fancying men too, it wont change my life - so I am lucky.
I used to be terrified of being gay as a kid- my town was small and bigoted.  I was scared that because I felt feminine, I was gay... but we all know thats not connected.  I was confused that I liked girls and felt sick with men... was it my fear of being gay that made me sick?  Terrifying stuff for a teen.
The moment I discovered trans... It all untangled.  Oh, I WAS gay... but a gay woman, not a gay man.   Ooooooooh.

Thankfully we have the interwebby or I would have been screwed!

[HM]

The answers to your questions are within you. A good therapist will
help you to find those answers. You will not become any more or
less trans. You already are who you are.

Once you discover who you are your therapist will help you decide
what, if anything, you want to do about it.

I think the ups and downs are pretty normal. I know I have them. I
believe my downs come from my fears of coming out. The unknown.

[Jennygirl]

I remember a time when I was wishy washy about my gender variance. It was only due to shame that I had built up over the years that I didn't allow full acceptance of self. Pretty much as soon as I saw a therapist, she helped me attack that shame head on. From that moment when I came out to myself completely, I have never been happier. I don't fear the future, and I don't worry about "what if". I decided to begin transition less than a month later.

Don't be afraid to get to know yourself. And once you do spend enough time to really figure yourself out, don't just deny it and go back to stage one. At least come out to yourself or don't. You will be so much happier!

Just because you admit that you are trans doesn't mean you HAVE to begin transition. But it is definitely the first step in the right direction of relaxing about who you really are. And nobody else can really TELL you who you are.. not even a therapist. The answer is inside you already, just exist with and trust yourself.

[Jamie D]

I've been thinking a lot over the past week or two.  My gender issues seem to fluctuate up and down, from barely noticeable to so stressful and uncomfortable that I physically ache in my chest from the discomfort and anxiety and desire to change gender because everything about me feels just wrong.  I guess I'm in one of those low-TG phases right now where I still feel it, but it's not interfering too much with my daily life (although it still occupies my thoughts about 50% of the time), so I've had some time to think.

That's what I describe as genderfluidity.  Dysphoria does not have to be this constant drumbeat in your head.  Dysphoria can be situational.

[E-Brennan]

More awesome replies and advice! I don't know what to say.   

Today - or last night - was a huge low.  The gender issues seem to be at the easiest point ever right now, like almost gone.  You would have thought that this would make me happy, being able to function day to day without gender being at the forefront of my mind.  Normally it does.  But instead, I'm in a really sad mood - I miss the female part of me.  I used to be glad when I was just feeling normal, but today I miss her terribly.

I always say that if there was a pill I could take and wake up female, I'd take it without a second thought.  But I would also take a pill that made me wake up 100% male and never think about gender again.  It's the uncertainty and fluidity that is the problem, not the final gender.

I've never really missed the female side of me when she's not here because she's always been something I've tried to ignore, but since I've been accepting her a little more and letting her show through, getting to know her a little, I really miss her a lot now that she's gone.  And I want her back - for the first time ever.

And that in itself worries me – I don't want to be trans.  If that's what I am, then fine.  But it's not something I wish upon myself; it's not as if changing gender should be something I want, but something I need.  Surely I shouldn't be wishing these problems on myself.

I have a feeling that she'll be back soon enough though.  I guess I just need to give it time.

Yeah, I know.  I've really got to get that therapy sorted out...

[aleon515]

That's what I describe as genderfluidity.  Dysphoria does not have to be this constant drumbeat in your head.  Dysphoria can be situational.

Well it's not necessarily-- could be in this case. But I'd say my dysphoria is not static. Ebbs and flows.

--Jay

[Emily Aster]

More awesome replies and advice! I don't know what to say.   

Today - or last night - was a huge low.  The gender issues seem to be at the easiest point ever right now, like almost gone.  You would have thought that this would make me happy, being able to function day to day without gender being at the forefront of my mind.  Normally it does.  But instead, I'm in a really sad mood - I miss the female part of me.  I used to be glad when I was just feeling normal, but today I miss her terribly.

I always say that if there was a pill I could take and wake up female, I'd take it without a second thought.  But I would also take a pill that made me wake up 100% male and never think about gender again.  It's the uncertainty and fluidity that is the problem, not the final gender.

I've never really missed the female side of me when she's not here because she's always been something I've tried to ignore, but since I've been accepting her a little more and letting her show through, getting to know her a little, I really miss her a lot now that she's gone.  And I want her back - for the first time ever.

And that in itself worries me – I don't want to be trans.  If that's what I am, then fine.  But it's not something I wish upon myself; it's not as if changing gender should be something I want, but something I need.  Surely I shouldn't be wishing these problems on myself.

I have a feeling that she'll be back soon enough though.  I guess I just need to give it time.

Yeah, I know.  I've really got to get that therapy sorted out...

I'm pretty sure this post just helped me, but we'll see tomorrow lol. I've been back and forth on a daily basis lately... again. It's the bit about the uncertainty. The uncertainty is a new thing for me. When I try to convince myself I'm not trans or otherwise put it out of my mind, that uncertainty always comes back. I don't think I can live with that constantly creeping back in my mind. It's not there when I just accept it, so that should be a clue to me that female is the right direction!

[how-audrey]

This thread is making me feel a lot better because those types of fears are exactly what's been preventing me from transitioning. There have been some points where I felt like I was making myself trans just by constantly thinking about it, researching transition, looking at clothes. There are times when I feel fine being a guy and throw away all the progress I've made by deleting journal entries that have to do with it, throwing away clothes, canceling therapy appointments, and then trying hard to suppress any trans-related thoughts as long as I could. Earlier on, I was happy to feel 'normal' for a little bit, but now it's my biggest fear about transition that for some reason that will happen again. Feelings of dysphoria and the desire to transition always come back stronger than before, and I also feel excited for the future, have more motivation, exercise everyday, and eat healthy when I'm in the mindset of "I'm transitioning." The exact opposite is true when I try hard to push it out of my mind. I feel like that's enough to say that I'm not somehow making all of this up.

I think there are just some times when I feel less urgency about transition. Maybe I'm in a situation where my gender doesn't come into play, and then I overreact about not feeling like I'm female at that point. I'm starting therapy again in a week, and I hope this topic can get taken care of so I can get on with my life.

[Katelyn]

First of all, this is a really important subject to talk about IMO.  I've been struggling with uncertainty for more than 10 years. 

For me, I was in denial my whole life- mainly because I did not know the tg condition existed or that transition was possible.  No conscious thoughts about gender, but a lot of devaluation of my self as I reacted in what I now realise where feminine instinctual reactions.
What convinced me was I could go back through all the traumatic events in my life, and if I switched out the boy for a little girl then they made total sense.

I was wondering myself if I was fooling myself, that it was not gender that was the issue but the wanting to be someone else.... anyone else.
  I tried the exercise of imagining me as an uber man... someone else who was fit, handsome, successful and rich.  Uhg.  I hated him.  Kill me.
Next I imagined myself as a female- a poorly paid store clerk.  Sign me up, my brain said.
I then imagined myself as a transexual woman working as a clerk, and I was not only fine with it, my brain started buzzing out ideas on how that ts clerk could improve her lifestyle and enjoyment.  It started thinking about cool hair cuts and places she had always wanted to go and events she always wanted to be part of... so on, and so forth.
In short, I felt connected to her, and cared for her well being.  It was natural.
I cannot say the same for uberman.

What I take from that is I cannot possibly succeed in the male gender.

Try that exercise and see what your instincts tell you.

I've done thought exercises myself especially within the past 6 years.

I've determined that as well, that I can't succeed in the male gender.  I like women but I can't enjoy having sex as a male (actual penetration), I can't enjoy playing the male role in a relationship, I don't like playing masculine, I don't like making friends as a male, and there's very little I like about the male role other than certain privileges and ability to get a woman.  There are times that I'm ok with some of the things, but it eventually dissipates and I just don't like it.   At the very least, I feel playing the role as being empty.  I don't like life in other words, no matter how successful I am.


On the other hand, through experiences and thought exercises within the past 15 years, I found how much I liked having sex as a woman, that I can naturally act feminine, and at times, how much I liked seeing myself as a woman, how much I liked looking and being as a feminine woman, how I often gravitate toward feminine things especially after not being exposed for a short while, how when I put myself into the role of girlfriend/wife/mother (being with a guy), I was attracted to being like that, and if it weren't for my particular beef with men being untrustable, I'd probably be attracted to guys and more bisexual rather than desiring to be a lipstick lesbian.  In addition, how my feelings have survived the negative mental programming my mind put me about women, since for me my "protective" mind had been against me for the past 4 years, trying to not get me to do something dramatic as I still am afraid of putting my ties with my parents / family at risk.

[Katelyn]

This thread is making me feel a lot better because those types of fears are exactly what's been preventing me from transitioning. There have been some points where I felt like I was making myself trans just by constantly thinking about it, researching transition, looking at clothes. There are times when I feel fine being a guy and throw away all the progress I've made by deleting journal entries that have to do with it, throwing away clothes, canceling therapy appointments, and then trying hard to suppress any trans-related thoughts as long as I could. Earlier on, I was happy to feel 'normal' for a little bit, but now it's my biggest fear about transition that for some reason that will happen again. Feelings of dysphoria and the desire to transition always come back stronger than before, and I also feel excited for the future, have more motivation, exercise everyday, and eat healthy when I'm in the mindset of "I'm transitioning." The exact opposite is true when I try hard to push it out of my mind. I feel like that's enough to say that I'm not somehow making all of this up.

I think there are just some times when I feel less urgency about transition. Maybe I'm in a situation where my gender doesn't come into play, and then I overreact about not feeling like I'm female at that point. I'm starting therapy again in a week, and I hope this topic can get taken care of so I can get on with my life.

I'm very much like you in that I feel like that, at times I question it and I think that I may be making it up, and like feeling "normal", but then the desire eventually comes back, and then I go back to feeling desire to transition and accompanying dysphoria.  I've tried at times to suppress it, but I feel unhappy and eventually the feelngs come back through random thoughts and feelings and a feeling of wishing.

In fact, many others here I feel like them.

[Katelyn]

More awesome replies and advice! I don't know what to say.   

Today - or last night - was a huge low.  The gender issues seem to be at the easiest point ever right now, like almost gone.  You would have thought that this would make me happy, being able to function day to day without gender being at the forefront of my mind.  Normally it does.  But instead, I'm in a really sad mood - I miss the female part of me.  I used to be glad when I was just feeling normal, but today I miss her terribly.

Believe me, the single most powerful motivational force in me transitioning is the feminine feelings I felt and how much I enjoyed even pretending to be a GG when I had the chance years ago.  I haven't been able to fully access those feelings for quite awhile, and I terribly miss them.  I can't enjoy life without being able to express myself as a feminine woman and to me that involves possibly transitioning and being as much of a feminine woman as possible (just short of having a relationship with a guy and having children though,)

I always say that if there was a pill I could take and wake up female, I'd take it without a second thought.  But I would also take a pill that made me wake up 100% male and never think about gender again.  It's the uncertainty and fluidity that is the problem, not the final gender.

I've never really missed the female side of me when she's not here because she's always been something I've tried to ignore, but since I've been accepting her a little more and letting her show through, getting to know her a little, I really miss her a lot now that she's gone.  And I want her back - for the first time ever.

And that in itself worries me – I don't want to be trans.  If that's what I am, then fine.  But it's not something I wish upon myself; it's not as if changing gender should be something I want, but something I need.  Surely I shouldn't be wishing these problems on myself.

Sometimes I wish I was not transgender.  Certainly, I was for a while when I was younger, hell bent on working hard to make successful organizations and being big in this world.  I could be making a lot more money than I am now.  I could be enjoying closer relations with family members as well as a lot of friends.  However, I can't deny what I felt and my transgender issues are to the point that I can't feel good about my life unless I at the very least androgynize myself through hormones, and at the very most fully transition.

[Sarah84]

Very interesting thread ...indeed.

I am thinking abou that aspect very intensively. And I have some doubts about the transition, because I think I could somehow became addicted on that idea and maybe it is only my illusion? I have this fear because my gender problems are not constant, sometimes I feel ok in male role, especially if there aren't situations in which gender should play any major role. But the feeling "want to be a female" always comes back after some time. As some of you mentioned... I also have those feelings when I see women in mall, on the street anywhere...I immediately think about wanting to be one of them, look like them, be accepted and treated as a female, rather than thinking "I would like to have sex with that girl or date her" as normal male folks usually do. And my sexual fantazies are also always in female mode... This gender instability that I am experiencing isn't nice...and I spend much of my time thinking about it lately. And the strange fact is that I became obsessed with reading about this issues and digging more information. And when I see all successful transition videos, photos etc, it evens accelerates my wishes to become a female. But then I also tell to myself, is it real need or just a wish that doesn't need to be fulfilled?

However...if I am "normal" why would I be so interested in transition, if there isn't any real need inside my brain? Why would anyone want to voluntarily make the life more complicated? It doesn't make sence to me, it can't be only an irrational wish...

At least I am a little calmer now with knowledge that I am not alone here.

[Mujer_Mariposa]

I can say that I've felt this way for a while now.

There are a few times I can't stand being perceived as male, and other times I don't feel like making a complete 180 change to female would be a solution.  I kind of feel at peace right now in the middle.  In face SRS has been dropped from my plans for a while now, though I don't feel comfortable identifying as androgyne (I don't feel like both/neither gender, I've always leaned towards the female gender).

Some conflicting thoughts; I can say, however, that I'm thankful that my gender dysphoria is not crippling my day-to-day existence.  I'm probably more upset by my weight than my gender dysphoria