I Really Feel Like Ending It All

[ageofsickness]

It's been 10 years and I'm still the same person.
Nothing has changed, and any change I try to make will end any relationships with family I have. I'm 20. I really have had enough. I can't accept myself for who I am and transitioning seems like such a step away. I drink each day, more and more I look older and more...grotesque. No longer am I mistaken for a girl as much as I once was. My brother is homophobic. I'm bipolar. Gender dysphoria. I'm not the richest person in the world. If nothing looks up in the next year I'm ending my life.

What I'm really asking is how so many of you put up with this.
How have you gone on? how have you made it so far and sacrificed so much?
My life is empty as it is and I can't bare to give anymore of it away...

I'm pre-everything.

[TiaNadiezja]

One day at a time.  Everything, one day at a time.  That's how I take it.

Some days are harder than others, but they all have starts and ends.

I also lean on the people I've found who will support me.  I rely on them very heavily, and constantly look for more people to add to that network.  Part of why I'm here.    Sometimes, on my worst days, I run on anger - not wanting to give the bad people who want to hurt me the satisfaction of beating me down, of making me stop, of making me less myself.

I throw myself at creative tasks, at my work, at any of a thousand things I've filled my life with.  Sometimes I just go to the zoo and stare at the tigers, or have conversations with them.

[Jamie D]

AgeofSickness, let me ask you this ...

Are "you" your exterior self, or your inner self?

Your family is important, but you are more important.  It sounds like you have some self-destructive behaviors.  Have you been working with a psychiatrist about those, and about your BPD?

If so, then discussing your gender issues seems like a reasonable course of action.

[Cindy]

Hi

I'm Cindy and I'm one of the Global Mods.

You are certainly having a bad time and we can try to help.

You are on Susan's Site, we care for each other and can talk to each other.

We understand what you are going through.

How about telling us a bit about yourself?

I'm Cindy and I live in South Australia, I'm trans and I'm very happy.

You can be very happy as well.

How about talking to me?

Hugs Cindy

[ageofsickness]

AgeofSickness, let me ask you this ...

Are "you" your exterior self, or your inner self?

Your family is important, but you are more important.  It sounds like you have some self-destructive behaviors.  Have you been working with a psychiatrist about those, and about your BPD?

If so, then discussing your gender issues seems like a reasonable course of action.

A big concern is that I will be hospitalized for expressing my self destructive thoughts.

[Jamie D]

That is a possibility.  But, it is better than the alternative.
You are important.

Let me ask, if I may, how do you identify?

[ageofsickness]

That is a possibility.  But, it is better than the alternative.
You are important.

Let me ask, if I may, how do you identify?

I've wanted to identify female since I was at least 10 years old.
I mostly keep to myself. But when I'm forced to appear in a masculine role it's a bad feeling. I want to be myself and not worry about being seen wearing makeup any longer. Or expressing myself outwardly.

[Jamie D]

I understand.  Inside you feel like a girl, and have since before puberty (10 years old).

That is a pretty long-standing dysphoria.

Is there any way that you can cope with something in an intermediate, androgynous presentation?

Things that I did when I was your age (in the 1970s .. ahhhem) was shave body hair, grow my scalp hair out, etc.  Anything, so as not to feel dysphoric.  I was not diagnosed with gender dysphoria for decades.  I just knew what felt made me feel better.

And why is your family so hard on you?

[Cindy]

This is normal honey, many people gender identify at 3-5 years as the 'wrong' gender. Others around 9-18, the others who are older. There is nothing wrong with us. We and YOU are normal.

I'm a very normal woman.

Oh forget that. I'm not a normal woman.


I'm gorgeous.

I'm 5' 9" I look great and I feel awesome. I'm a trans*woman I was born into a gender that had the wrong bits.

I have friends I have everything.....

And you can as well.

It's nothing odd, I'm no different to you.

So?
I gave you a clue that I'm in Australia, Give me clue where you are !

I bet America!

Mmmmm California?

Ok tell me I'm right

My name is Cindy

[Jamie D]

I see you have signed off.  Let's talk more tomorrow.

[Felix]

20 is young. I'm sure you hear that more than you'd like. But you should be able to get away in time, and make of yourself who you feel yourself to be. To the best of your abilities. All of us are working from a ways before the normal starting line.

I'm in the U.S., where my resources are considered to be deeply under the poverty line. I have a kid who has no one but me, and I actually tried for years to keep myself closeted until she was at least 18. At some point I realized that not being myself was not how I wanted to model honor for my child.

I'm 32. I started transition a few years ago. I spent many years just trying to fight for my right to act how I wanted genderwise and to be treated as if it didn't matter whether I was male or female.

Of course that was a little silly. But I hung on through strong beliefs about ethics and humanity. That doesn't change how others treat you, but it can make you strong against unreasonable judgement.

[Drawcansir]

and any change I try to make will end any relationships with family I have.

Do you know that for sure? Because whenever I'm having a super bad day and wanting to end it all or hurt myself in one way or another, I think about family. I'm their child and they love me no matter who I am or what I am. What would they be left feeling if I didn't exist anymore? Just think about those things.

If your family has made it clear that they don't support any changes, do you have any friends who support you, because you can think about those same things mentioned above for those friends... It's how I deal with bad days.

And always look to the future, if your pre everything, there's a lot to look forward to. I'm pre everything and only recently started the first step, but I'm happier than I've ever been.

And cindy, I love the way you handled this 

[Rachel]

Ageofsickness, you have so much to look forward to and all it takes is a start. Like you said you are pre everything. A gender therapist is a start.

I never told this to anyone. I have had a few elaborate plans to end the pain throughout my life. I had my most severe event in December. I have a very small car and while driving to work on I95 I was going through construction and next to a gasoline tanker on my left and a 5' barrier on my right, both about 1 foot away. My left hand was pulling left on the steering wheel and my right pulling right. Both with great force and a slip either way would mean certain death. There were tears running down my face. I kept pulling harder and harder. The pain had to end. A great calm came over me.  I finally said I can not go on like this any more I want a chance for me to live. I made a call for help. and saw a social worker at a LGBTQ health practice (Mazzoni Center). My dysphoria is very manageably now and I am channeling it to help me make decisions about how I will present and styles, hair and everything.

You do not need to be in pain. You can face you fears.

P.S. I am getting natural curls in my hair again as it gets longer. When I run my hand over the curls I smile and it feels so good. I can not wait till it is below my shoulders.

[Sephirah]

What I'm really asking is how so many of you put up with this.
How have you gone on? how have you made it so far and sacrificed so much?

I was going to say a lot more here, but for now I won't because I don't believe it will do much good. What I will do, however, is address these questions. And I apologise in advance that this post isn't as upbeat as it perhaps should be.

Why put up with it? For me it's really just one thing. For my legacy to the world to be that of being remembered for who I am. To be recognised by those I care about as the real me. That's it. Because I believe that to not do that is a bigger sacrifice. A sacrifice of my humanity and the entirety of what makes me me. Is it worth it? Honestly... it doesn't feel like it at times. Sometimes I am in more pain than I can bear and the world seems a thoroughly dark, cold, and lonely place. I'm not going to sugar coat it. Sometimes life does feel like it would be better unlived.

But then you think to yourself. What do I lose if I do that? I lose everything including the chance to make it right. Taking that path is a big gamble that whatever is out there is something you want, something that is preferable. Even if that's nothingness. Everything that you think you will lose if you go through with attempting to be yourself... you will definitely lose if you take the other option. Including any memory that the real you ever existed. Is that what you want? For the way you feel about being someone different to have all been irrelevant? What do you want the world to know of you once you're gone? That to all intents and purposes you were the person you tried desperately to escape from being seen as?

That is why I keep going. I have no family, no real friends outside of here, no one to really care when I go. But when you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. And I'm just that stubborn that I think it's worth trying to live as, and be remembered as myself, rather than a porcelain mask of someone who doesn't exist. Worth trying to live whatever semblance of a life I can have, being true to myself. Because when eventually I am no longer here, that lasting memory will live on. And that, I think, is worth fighting for.

There was a time where I would have been more... positive. And told you everything will be okay. You'll get through it somehow. But... there may well be times where you feel like you could happily juggle chainsaws while wearing boxing gloves. It's the nature of the beast. It's not always easy.

But it is possible.

And you have more strength inside you than you know. You are capable of things you had no idea you were capable of.

You stated at the top of your post that it's been 10 years and you're still the same person. That's true. You are. And you have the capacity to be that person. You talk about self-destructive thoughts... perhaps it's just a matter of shifting your perspective. You want to destroy the person you're seen as, treated as... well... ending your life won't do that. It will only cement that image in the minds of everyone who ever mattered to you. If you really want to destroy that persona... change it. Change yourself. Become the real you. Then that old person is truly gone forever. Channel the way you feel. Use it. Emotion is powerful, as you know. It can be used constructively as well as destructively.

Think about it.

[Kaitlin4475]

I've eyed a bottle of pills once while I was in a severe emotional state but I have always had hope for the future. Even though I haven't transitioned yet I feel like i'm finally making progress. You are only 20, so already you have come to terms with it early on and are ahead of the game. Some people don't make that epiphany until they are 50, married and a few kids to complicate the matter. You are very young like me so do as much as you can do right now (if still living at home, reasonably.. if you have unsupportive parents) but expect to transition in your 20's!! I expect to because I need to, keep that hope in your mind and (as corny as it sounds) things will get better. I suggest seeing a shrink that specializes in gender issues, mine has been so helpful in finding ways to cope, and she is very nice.

[Yuki-jker86]

What I'm really asking is how so many of you put up with this.
How have you gone on? how have you made it so far and sacrificed so much?
My life is empty as it is and I can't bare to give anymore of it away...

I don't put up with anything. When I decided I was going to acknowledge that there is a mismatch between my body and my gender identity, I took affirmative action.
what is important in my life is that I feel good about myself. if other people accept that, then great. if they cannot accept that, it will be sad but they have their own issues to deal with. I will honour their life choices.

It is important to approach each situation with love. not the namby pamby clouds and rainbows kind of love, but the pure love, seeing things for what they are and accepting them wholeheartedly.

bad things will happen. we need to take a positive approach. if we can't see the wood for the trees, ask friends for some perspective. That is what we are here for.

I'd like to say from my perspective, your life is not empty. your life is full. it is full of you. and whether you can see the wood for the trees or not, you are radiant. put on some shades because maybe you're getting blinded.

[Rosa]

Try setting some goals for yourself start out small and work up towards something bigger and make sure you have a plan on how to reach those goals. For example I remember when I wanted to start transitioning and presenting as female. It was very difficult for me to just go into the women's section let alone shop there. Little by little I made progress and now I go into the women's section all the time and think nothing of it except that I can't afford to buy much haha. Set goals for yourself and little steps of how to reach those goals and you will make it.

Don't give up!
   

[ageofsickness]

Is there any way that you can cope with something in an intermediate, androgynous presentation?

And why is your family so hard on you?

I kind of do present more androgynous as it is. I wear my hear past my shoulders and have only decent fitting clothes, I don't wear too much baggy stuff. I don't have much facial hair, but I've embarrassingly pulled it out of my face twice now with tweezers (it's a pain). My family isn't too hard on me, it's just that with the things they are going through I don't think they could take me doing this right now, or understand very well.

I suggest seeing a shrink that specializes in gender issues, mine has been so helpful in finding ways to cope, and she is very nice.

Yeah I've kind of been looking into a therapist who can help me sort this stuff out possibly.

You stated at the top of your post that it's been 10 years and you're still the same person. That's true. You are. And you have the capacity to be that person. You talk about self-destructive thoughts... perhaps it's just a matter of shifting your perspective. You want to destroy the person you're seen as, treated as... well... ending your life won't do that. It will only cement that image in the minds of everyone who ever mattered to you. If you really want to destroy that persona... change it. Change yourself. Become the real you. Then that old person is truly gone forever. Channel the way you feel. Use it. Emotion is powerful, as you know. It can be used constructively as well as destructively.

Think about it.

Well said. I don't want any sugar-coated ->-bleeped-<-ing. There is an insurmountable amount of doubt in my mind. I'm not as "androgynous" looking as I was when I was say 12, of course, but I've still been told by unknowing friends that I'd be "a pretty woman". I'm reluctant to agree most of the time, although I would probably like to agree. I find too many flaws in myself though, it's keeping me from making any decisions.



I didn't expect so many replies, wow.
I realize my first post was kind of dramatic. Drunk forum posting is not a good idea!

[Athena]

As I've been saying a lot lately with life there is hope.
Set small steps as goals that are within reach and use that to give you hope.
When I had chemicals pushing me to commit suicide (antidepressants) the only thing that kept me alive was hope. Lying there on the floor having a hard time breathing needing to kill myself the only thing that allowed me to make it to the next day was hope that my life will get better.

Another step is to get off the booze, I am not one to cast the first stone I posted quite a bit last night after drinking 2 bottles of wine. Booze can make you more depressed, in most people it does (myself I just forget to be angry and bitter). Right now you don't need anything else making you depressed, instead of drinking go for a walk. I often go for a walk at night, something that if/when I start to transition I will not be able to do anymore for safety reasons.
That is another thing you can do too is instead of seeing what you are missing look at what you will miss when you do start to transition and enjoy them while you can. I tell you I am going to really miss midnight walks, being able to handle booze or even being able to open jars.

[Jamie D]

I kind of do present more androgynous as it is. I wear my hear past my shoulders and have only decent fitting clothes, I don't wear too much baggy stuff. I don't have much facial hair, but I've embarrassingly pulled it out of my face twice now with tweezers (it's a pain). My family isn't too hard on me, it's just that with the things they are going through I don't think they could take me doing this right now, or understand very well.

Yeah I've kind of been looking into a therapist who can help me sort this stuff out possibly.

Well said. I don't want any sugar-coated ->-bleeped-<-ing. There is an insurmountable amount of doubt in my mind. I'm not as "androgynous" looking as I was when I was say 12, of course, but I've still been told by unknowing friends that I'd be "a pretty woman". I'm reluctant to agree most of the time, although I would probably like to agree. I find too many flaws in myself though, it's keeping me from making any decisions.

I didn't expect so many replies, wow.
I realize my first post was kind of dramatic. Drunk forum posting is not a good idea!

You are among friends here.  Many of us have walked in your shoes.

As far as flaws and things that seem insurmountable, I'd like you to look at the "Before & After" topic here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,144104.0.html