looking for guidance...Or something...

[xeno]

OK, Firstly, this entire thing is just getting me so.....frustrated...I don't know what to do...Please also keep in mind that while my being trans is mentioned, it is not the focal point, but it is still a large part.

3 years ago as of the 14th of september, I came to Utah with my grandparents, from California, and left my only friend back there as he had his own place to live and so on, and I barely did, so my grandparents rescued myself and my brother from a hell that has been listed in previous posts of mine, but I'd rather not even reference directly...
So I lived with them for a bit and got a job it lasted for 2 months, got another job, and then went to jobcorps in Clearfield, and made lots of friends and that lasts from 2009-09-14 til 2013-06-15 or so.


I value honesty as one of my absolute principles of life, but I know there are times when I can't be honest and it kills me most times.
So I moved back to Orem(near where I was before jobcorps) with my older brother and my friend from jobcorp.

So I have legitimately tried to hang out with a friend from jobcorps, that I live with and my older brother, but I....just...can't....
I'm too serious minded and they end up calling me a grump, I don't find their humour to be funny at all...and they just don't seem to do anything other than try to guilt trip me into doing anything...
my brother apparently means well but he just seems to get angry with me when I try to avoid an argument...
I don't like arguments and I can practically smell one when it gets close.

So I try to avoid the both of them the most I can...
They both know about my being trans, but I don't think its hit the friend quite yet, and they keep trying to drag me to things I don't want to have anything to do with, at all.(tabletop gaming for instance, I want nothing to do with it, I don't trust myself enough to not get completely absorbed in it, and I am scared to death of that.)

Overall they seem completely different than back in jobcorps, or for my brother before that....mostly...

So Where this post got its inspiration is:
I played star trek online with my best friend in California earlier today(who also knows about my being trans), for about 3 hours, and I realized 3 things from that.

I am incredibly lonely, incredibly depressed/tired, and incredibly angry.
My loneliness stems from the fact that my policies prevent me from making friends because I'd be lying to them about myself.
I can't tell them because I'm terrified of A: rejection, and B: being attacked. So honesty is preventing me from lying, which its supposed to.
My depression stems from my loneliness, and my being tired stems from the fact that I haven't relaxed save 5 minutes here and there for 10 years. and my anger stems from my inability to stop myself from feeling a mass amount of guilt for not being able to make friends because of my honesty, and my depression/being tired/stressed 24-7/365-52.

To make matters worse, I have absolutely no ideas on a therapist...
The one I was seeing 2 years ago is getting awful reviews now, of the few that I can find...
The one I was going to see who specializes in being transgender is in payson (35 miles away, and I only have a bike and the bus for transportation)
And I can't find another therapist who specializes in being transgender.

So as a recap, I'm really frustrated because I'm sad, and tired, and stressed, because my personal policies prevent me from making friends or anything because I'm scared of rejection and I'm trying to find a therapist and can't because of lack of transportation...

Any ideas for help?
I'm sorry to just rant if that's what it appears as...I don't mean to...
Thank you for your time.

(probably got terminology wrong in this entire thing, my apologies)

[Corwynn Jade]

I don't know your situation very well, and since i'm about to head to bed, I'm a little more tired than i should be if i wanted to do some background research....... Therefore, I'll just ask instead:

If you are having trouble making friends, and being social in general because you feel that befriending them and letting them think of you as male, while you are in fact female, is a lie: Is there a reason you cannot live out?  I know, I'm making something that is really difficult at first sound like it's no big deal, and i realize that it in fact is huge. The thing is, if the people you care about now know, then you are already taking some baby steps. Is something else stopping you?

[xeno]

The main reasons that I can't go out as female are A: it squicks out my roommates, and despite their claims of acceptance.
B: I haven't even started therapy let alone taking hormones... and C: At this point, I can't pass to save my life (in more ways that one)

[Tessa James]

Hey Xeno,

You seem to have identified yourself as having "absolute principles" while feeling lonely, angry and even "terrified."  IMHO you are indeed an honorable advocate of honesty but I wonder if that absolute standard is part of your challenge?  Concepts such as truth and honesty really contain a huge amount of personal perception and subjectivity.  Would I be honest if I told people they were fat/obese because of a standard test like BMI?  I don't encourage lying but you might consider that sharing some of your honesty does not require a complete biography for your friends and family.  It is your life but, it is concerning that you may feel your "policies" are unchangeable when change is such a huge part of what we face in life.  I hope you will give yourself some space to relax, tell your own story and glad to hear that you are continuing to seek out therapy.  What else floats your boat for fun?  Music?  Dancing?
I guess that I am way older than you and must say that fear and repression kept me from accepting myself and moving forward for decades.  While rejection and attacks do happen the majority of people are busy with their own lives and are indifferent to us.  I was scared witless when first going out but quickly found that people are going to continue to treat me well if I give that same respect and a ready smile.  I love bicycling BTW and it is a real form of transportation and a fantastic stress buster.  I can get around in Portland faster on my recumbent bike than in a car.  Your Job Corp experience suggests you can make a commitment and work things out even when it's tough.  Keep it up, you are worth it!

[JLT1]

 If you really want to work through this, it's the bus or the bike or a combination of the two.  (I'd check on the combination.)  In addition to being good exercise, you WILL have the attention of the therapist.  We can and will help, we can and will support but we cannot replace a good therapist.   

[musicofthenight]

I'd like to recommend a book.  Please Understand Me II by David Keirsey.  Not really related to gender or such, but I think you'll recognize your "personal policies."  There's a good chance it will help you understand where you're coming from.  It certainly did for me.

[xeno]

If you really want to work through this, it's the bus or the bike or a combination of the two.  (I'd check on the combination.)  In addition to being good exercise, you WILL have the attention of the therapist.  We can and will help, we can and will support but we cannot replace a good therapist.

I will do that if it comes to it, but I'm going to exhaust every other effort first...
I remember biking to Provo 2 years ago, it took me almost 6 hours because everything was uphill....I'm glad I got no flats doing that...I have a feeling though that its going to come to that though...
Thanks for your input.

Hey Xeno,

You seem to have identified yourself as having "absolute principles" while feeling lonely, angry and even "terrified."  IMHO you are indeed an honorable advocate of honesty but I wonder if that absolute standard is part of your challenge?  Concepts such as truth and honesty really contain a huge amount of personal perception and subjectivity.  Would I be honest if I told people they were fat/obese because of a standard test like BMI?  I don't encourage lying but you might consider that sharing some of your honesty does not require a complete biography for your friends and family.  It is your life but, it is concerning that you may feel your "policies" are unchangeable when change is such a huge part of what we face in life.  I hope you will give yourself some space to relax, tell your own story and glad to hear that you are continuing to seek out therapy.  What else floats your boat for fun?  Music?  Dancing?
I guess that I am way older than you and must say that fear and repression kept me form accepting myself and moving forward for decades.  While rejection and attacks do happen the majority of people are busy with their own lives and are indifferent to us.  I was scared witless when first going out but quickly found that people are going to continue to treat me well if I give that same respect and a ready smile.  I love bicycling BTW and it is a real form of transportation and a fantastic stress buster.  I can get around in Portland faster on my recumbent bike than in a car.  Your Job Corp experience suggests you can make a commitment and work things out even when it's tough.  Keep it up, you are worth it!

I taught myself my own honesty policies, so chances are that they are a little extreme, but its more the idea that the more friends I have, the more I stand to lose once the time comes...and I donno if I can take that...regarding interests....I've never really been very active in interests, I've always just played games(RPG's mainly) in order to read through the massive story therein. I like anime as well, but not board games...above all, my favourite hobby is thinking in general...something to keep my mind occupied...and not much has that...except a rare story here and there and work...
Thank you for your time as well...

I'd like to recommend a book.  Please Understand Me II by David Keirsey.  Not really related to gender or such, but I think you'll recognize your "personal policies."  There's a good chance it will help you understand where you're coming from.  It certainly did for me.

Thank you for your recommendation, I'll look into it.


Also, I'm sorry that I was essentially just throwing a temper tantrum, while I am fairly lonely, I should not have been so....childish in my post...
My apologies...

[JLT1]

No apologies necessary.   

I will keep trying to figure out another answer to the biking problem as 70 miles in one day is quite extreme.  Looking for ride shares with someone who goes there a semi-regular basis?  Check around.  I'm in a large metropolis so they can be found on Craig's List.

You're smart.  You can figure this out.  But delaying only leads to increased angst. Keep us updated.

Hugs....

Jen

[xeno]

Well...I just managed to get an appointment with the therapist that is in Payson, she said that she'd basically meet me half way.
She had called me at work, and I had to wait til my break to call her back....
Thankfully its somewhere I know how to get to...

A little off topic...but how did I get a +20 here if I'm actually rarely here? :?

*Hugs back JLT1*
Thanks, even if virtual "e-hugs" they still hold meaning.
Hugs are awesome

[Tessa James]

Hey Xeno great news!  Isn't that what we can ask of people?  that they meet us half way;-)

I recall that when we hit that thumbs up button we also provide an explanation for why.  You can check and see what people have written.  I'd guess your posts must have a style and/or content that moves people to give ya points.  Good on ya as they say down under.

And honey if you like hugs we got mountains of warm hugs for you