To the married folks

[AZKatie]

I came out to my wife two weeks ago and yesterday she finally came with me to see my therapist.  After the meeting she was talking about divorce and said that she just couldn't be with a woman sexually.

I reminded her that everything will be slow and we will take baby steps, but she said she may not be able to see through the exterior.  We still love each other, and she has said that we could continue to be best friends, but the sexual aspect is her hang up.

Has anyone run into this problem and come out the other side just fine?  Am I looking at a bitter divorce?

Thanks

[KabitTarah]

I totally feel for what you're going through. I did the same about 2 months ago. Everything is still up in the air, but divorce is almost definite between us. She refuses to even be thought of as married to a woman - and living in the same house is not something she'll be doing long term with me. I highly doubt she'll change from that, but I can get near her now... for over a month she didn't like to be in the same room as me and didn't want me touching her or her things (like folding the laundry was out). At a certain point that did change.

My wife also refused to learn more about it and come to my therapist. We went to hers recently and my wife was silent for most of that meeting. I addressed my concerns with her therapist, though... and my wife appears to have listened. The derirsion is gone, the communication has opened up, and if I could get over my current bout with dysphoria I'd try to help out more (I do most everything I used to... but I feel that it's not enough now).

She also knows that, regardless of where the two of us end up, we'll still be dealing with each other for life. We'll still be financially tied... we have 3 kids. My hope for the future is that she and I can become good friends, but that will require work on both our parts - and I'm not sure how willing she is or will be.

At 2 weeks it sounds like she's in a very good state compared to my situation. 2 weeks is very early and I wouldn't give up hope. Treat her well and she may come around! It's still early for us at 2+ months... grieving takes a long time and she may decide that a platonic or open relationship is enough... she may not. It's her decision.

[suzifrommd]

Has anyone run into this problem and come out the other side just fine?  Am I looking at a bitter divorce?

Oh Katie, this is so hard. I was where you are about a year ago.

Sad to say, I know very few marriages that have survived a MtF transition, and none that managed to keep an intact sexual component.

Stay strong, sister.

[Sammy]

We are not married, but, sadly, our relationship is not going to see this through . It is the same story - not being able to live with another woman, of her not being lesbian from one side and then saying that I am just making this all up and I am actually not a transgender etc.  She liked him more than she likes me (I am not sure she likes me at all), so quite naturally she wants him to stay, which is not possible at this stage anymore . I know this is not bringing any hope or light for You, but...

[nikkit72]

Katie,

I guess I'm one of the lucky ones. So far so good, but as transitioning is not over for me, by a long way, I can only hope that things between me and my partner stay the same through the stages to come. Like everything with GD, transitioning etc., it's something to be taken day by day.  My partner knows what is happening and what is to come and has been there with me every step of the way. For me, all is ok now, but the the thing is, I can't tell whether some minute  change or a major change in my attitude or appearance in the coming months or years will lead to a strain on our marriage. All I can advise is to keep working HARD at your relationship. Things worth having take a lot of work, and sometimes compromise. When you come to the compromises, and you figure out that you can't for one reason or another, that's when you need to look deeply at the reality of continuing your relationship, for the sake of both of you. I can't see the best friends thing working out in this situation because she will end up hating you for what she has lost and you will hate yourself for what you have unavoidably lost.

No one here can give you any definite answers about how things will turn out, unfortunately, but what I and others can do it wish you all the best in the coming months and years and hope things work out between you and your wife.

I do know of others who have fully transitioned and remain happily married or in a relationship. I know of quite a few more whose marriage ended rapidly due to the fact that the wife/partner didn't sign up to be forcibly turned into being lesbian or bisexual.

Best of luck,

Nikki

[Carlita]

I totally feel for what you're going through. I did the same about 2 months ago. Everything is still up in the air, but divorce is almost definite between us. She refuses to even be thought of as married to a woman - and living in the same house is not something she'll be doing long term with me. I highly doubt she'll change from that, but I can get near her now... for over a month she didn't like to be in the same room as me and didn't want me touching her or her things (like folding the laundry was out). At a certain point that did change.

My wife also refused to learn more about it and come to my therapist. We went to hers recently and my wife was silent for most of that meeting. I addressed my concerns with her therapist, though... and my wife appears to have listened. The derirsion is gone, the communication has opened up, and if I could get over my current bout with dysphoria I'd try to help out more (I do most everything I used to... but I feel that it's not enough now).

She also knows that, regardless of where the two of us end up, we'll still be dealing with each other for life. We'll still be financially tied... we have 3 kids. My hope for the future is that she and I can become good friends, but that will require work on both our parts - and I'm not sure how willing she is or will be.

At 2 weeks it sounds like she's in a very good state compared to my situation. 2 weeks is very early and I wouldn't give up hope. Treat her well and she may come around! It's still early for us at 2+ months... grieving takes a long time and she may decide that a platonic or open relationship is enough... she may not. It's her decision.

I can relate to every word of that - even the number of kids!

My wife can't bear the thought of being in the same bed as me. She doesn't want to be under the same roof when I begin transition - she won't even tolerate even things like laser beard-removal, which aren't really detectable to the outside world. But on the other hand she doesn't want to get divorced.

So heaven knows how it will work out.

The one thing I would say is keep trying to make everything as peaceful and loving as you possibly can. There are times it's VERY difficult. Check out this thread if you want an example ...

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,150265.0.html

But the emotional and financial costs of a bitter divorce are so terrible that it really helps if you two can manage to end in a spirit of sadness, rather than bitterness, and affection rather than resentment.

It isn't easy. But then, when you're transsexual, what is?

[Donna Elvira]

Hi,
I have so far managed to get through many stages of my transition, HRT, FFS, beard removal, hair transplants, coming out to everyone who counts in my life, living openly as a woman and recently filing for a civil identity change with the acceptance (at first) and finally the support of my wife of 8.5 years.
However, I told her about my gender identity issues right at the beginning of our relationship. That, plus the fact that I have transitioned very slowly, first trial with HRT in 2008, upperface FFS and first significant coming out 3 years later..., no doubt helped massively.
However, not only has my transition not broken our relationship, it has actually brought us closer and I think I can confidently say we have as good a relationship as any couple I know, based on mutual trust and support. We also just have fun doing stuff any two women would do together like shopping, going out to concerts, ballets, restaurants etc.. together.
My wife is no doubt atypical and probably couldn't have handled a "regular" guy, (whatever that means  ), but I guess it is worth highlighting that people such as her exist. So, no matter what happens in your present couple, transitioning doesn't mean you will forcibly have to spend your life alone.
Wishing you all the best
Donna

[MaidofOrleans]

I'm just going to say it because it needs to be said as many times as possible.

You can't expect your straight wives to want to stay with you should you transition. If they still want to be friends that's good and awesome but to expect them to want to continue to be in a partnered sexual relationship is selfish in it's own right.

[Jenna Marie]

I agree that for two weeks in, this is actually rather promising - she went with you to therapy, and she's at least willing to try. She may be more flexible sexually than she realizes, or she may conclude that sex isn't enough to throw away a priceless marriage over and try to compromise somehow.

At two weeks in, my wife basically couldn't stop crying and was suicidal. I fully transitioned within the year, and now more than four years later we're still very happily together. It can be done, although it does require that she be able to meet you halfway and willing to *keep* trying. Good luck.

(Suzi, now you know me. We're actually doing better in the bedroom than before! My wife was bisexual to begin with, admittedly. I know four other couples who stayed together through transition and remained sexually compatible, too. Two were with previously straight cis women, even. It's rare, and it's a hard road to walk, but we're out there.)

[KabitTarah]

I agree that for two weeks in, this is actually rather promising - she went with you to therapy, and she's at least willing to try. She may be more flexible sexually than she realizes, or she may conclude that sex isn't enough to throw away a priceless marriage over and try to compromise somehow.

At two weeks in, my wife basically couldn't stop crying and was suicidal. I fully transitioned within the year, and now more than four years later we're still very happily together. It can be done, although it does require that she be able to meet you halfway and willing to *keep* trying. Good luck.

(Suzi, now you know me. We're actually doing better in the bedroom than before! My wife was bisexual to begin with, admittedly. I know four other couples who stayed together through transition and remained sexually compatible, too. Two were with previously straight cis women, even. It's rare, and it's a hard road to walk, but we're out there.)

There's always hope for something... but don't get those hopes too high. You could get lucky... if not, denial is normal, but denial for too long is not good for the healing process.

The first month I was hopeful that we could stay together (in any way, shape, or form). The next couple weeks I was hopeful we could at least live in the same house. Now I'm just hopeful that we can end with mediation / amicably and be friends again. I was in serious denial for a while... now I'm over that and certainly grieving - though the grief is not as bad as it will be when it is truly over (I'm guessing May/June when I add E - depends on her plans for the house).

[Amelia Pond]

Katie,

My wife was hung up on the sexual aspect too and I completely understand where she was coming from. If the situation was reversed and she was a FTM, I wouldn't want sex with her either. She used the "I'm not a lesbian" argument for several months after I came out. She finally became comfortable with the idea that we don't have to have sex to have a fulfilling relationship.

After that, things were good for a few months, still are, relatively. There are other problems in our marriage (partially due to my transition) that may lead to a divorce, though I think we'll end it as friends because we both still love/care for one another. My advice would be to give it time and try to make things work the best you can. Just don't ever expect to have a sex life with your wife ever again.

*HUGS*
Amy

[Constance]

At one point my wife told me, "I'd never leave you even if you needed to transition." A year and a half later, she said she wanted a divorce. Ours wasn't bitter, though. It wasn't easy either. Our kids were 19 and 21 at the time, so there weren't any custody issues to deal with, so that probably helped.

The sexual part was my wife's hangup, too.

Katie, I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[mrs izzy]

Yep been there done that and even got the t shirt. I lost it in the settlement.

Hang in the best you can, make sure you have some finance put away if you need it. Also plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Anyone who is married and going to start this should have in there mind what plan b will be. It always does not happen bad but sometimes it gets real bad.

Hugs and keep yourself safe.
Izzy

[Eva Marie]

My 25 year old marriage is teetering on the precipice right now. My wife is currently out of town on an extended trip and we communicate via email often. I haven't been quite as honest and open about my transition as I should have been (I never lied though) and last week it bit me. She finally got tired of the obscure references I was making and sent me a rather pointed email asking what my intentions are.

So I told her.

Wowza. Not good. Not good at all. I knew this day was eventually coming. I've been physically ill ever since I sent my email.

Now it's a week later and we communicate, barely. She hasn't responded to my email yet. I'll bet it's a real humdinger when she does.

I really can't blame her if she leaves. I broke her heart and mine with it. Shes 100% a southern girl and living with another woman just isn't what she signed up for. I'm just sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I finally know what it's like being on the front line of "hurricane trans". I also have a much better understanding of just how terrible the options are that we face being married and trans.

[Janae]

I'm just going to say it because it needs to be said as many times as possible.

You can't expect your straight wives to want to stay with you should you transition. If they still want to be friends that's good and awesome but to expect them to want to continue to be in a partnered sexual relationship is selfish in it's own right.

I agree 100%

[Janae]

What I'd like to know, and I hope I'm not stepping on toes with this, is why would anyone who is mtf get married prior to transitioning?

To me it seems like such a waste for everyone involved. I could never have dated a woman let alone got married to one and started a family knowing what I was. I understand being in denial or not accepting yourself, but to bring another innocent person into this kinda of situation is beyond my understanding. And then on top of it to expect a spouse to go along with everything in the end. I never hear anyone talk the pain these females are experiencing, only how tough things are for us after coming out to a wife. I mean it can't be easy waking up one day and your husband just decides to become a woman. After that I seriously can't blame them for being standoffish and detached.

I sure would like to know the reasoning some people here had before getting hitched.

[Eva Marie]

In my case I got married at 26 and figured out the transsexual bit at 50. Whoops.

[Heather]

What I'd like to know, and I hope I'm not stepping on toes with this, is why would anyone who is mtf get married prior to transitioning?

To me it seems like such a waste for everyone involved. I could never have dated a woman let alone got married to one and started a family knowing what I was. I understand being in denial or not accepting yourself, but to bring another innocent person into this kinda of situation is beyond my understanding. And then on top of it to expect a spouse to go along with everything in the end. I never hear anyone talk the pain these females are experiencing, only how tough things are for us after coming out to a wife. I mean it can't be easy waking up one day and your husband just decides to become a woman. After that I seriously can't blame them for being standoffish and detached.

I sure would like to know the reasoning some people here had before getting hitched.

I think its because they want to live a normal life and they really think they push these feelings aside. I do see the wife's point of view more I'll admit because I know I couldn't handle that situation. But I do understand the pain the person transitioning is going through because I've seen what it's like for someone to have to go through a divorce like this and they suffer too. I don't think anybody would intentionally do this too a spouse and most hope that these feelings will just go away.

[Yukari-sensei]

What I'd like to know, and I hope I'm not stepping on toes with this, is why would anyone who is mtf get married prior to transitioning?

To me it seems like such a waste for everyone involved. I could never have dated a woman let alone got married to one and started a family knowing what I was. I understand being in denial or not accepting yourself, but to bring another innocent person into this kinda of situation is beyond my understanding. And then on top of it to expect a spouse to go along with everything in the end. I never hear anyone talk the pain these females are experiencing, only how tough things are for us after coming out to a wife. I mean it can't be easy waking up one day and your husband just decides to become a woman. After that I seriously can't blame them for being standoffish and detached.

I sure would like to know the reasoning some people here had before getting hitched.

It's actually quite simple. It's because we are in love... We want to love and be loved just like any other person. We want to feel deserving and we want to cherish this person who for some reason in our hearts makes the constant pain we carry fade away into the joy we feel for being with them... In our hearts, all people want to be loved more than anything else and we pray that those who we fall in love with will see us for who we are or the best we can be as we reciprocate in kind.

I have less than a week to my first HRT session and I have been married for less than a year... I was engaged to my wife for nearly ten years before that though. Before we were engaged she asked me if I would ever cheat on her. I replied I would sooner get a sex change rather than cheat on her...  She laughed and I did too, but the strain was too much and I told her about my repressed gender issues. I told her everything and she chalked it up to childhood experimentation, "I'm sure every little boy has done things like that, but you have the courage and honesty to admit to it". In my heart I wanted to believe her and I think I truly convinced myself. All my repressed emotions started to seep out from me slowly as my love for her grew.

I cannot speak for anyone else here, but I'm looking forward to my first appointment as the opportunity to love my wife as I truly feel inside. As my TRUE self rather than the construct built to conform to the wishes of my family. I also have incredible fear that she will be repulsed by who I am. I pray that she can accept it and so does she. The only thing I want more than to transition is to have her love in my life, and if it means I die as her man (although it makes me weep to think it), then so be it. I'm hoping love finds a way. I would love to dive into the pools of Sappho with her, but if she is afraid of the water then I will walk by the water's edge, hand in hand. As long as I have her warm embrace, I will endure.

That's why I got married even though I suspected I was transgender. I suspect there are more stories out there of a similar vein. Some of them have to have a happy ending!

[Alainaluvsu]

I'm just going to say it because it needs to be said as many times as possible.

You can't expect your straight wives to want to stay with you should you transition. If they still want to be friends that's good and awesome but to expect them to want to continue to be in a partnered sexual relationship is selfish in it's own right.

Yup.

I'm also gonna add that if I was dating / married to a guy and he told me he was trans, it would be over that minute. It would be a totally "No hard feelings" deal, but it would take me a while to even talk to him .... her again because it would take a long time for me to see past the past.

But if you want my advice, don't take her for granted - ever. She is a human being and has wants and needs too, and they may be something you just don't want to fulfill anymore. However, you made a vow and she did marry you believing she married a man. Keep that in mind every second you're with her if you want it to work out, because that's what she's going to be thinking.

Good luck.