So... I'm not sure how to begin this... I can be a bit shy about these sorts of things, and tend to default to bluntness just to get the words out. I would like to preface though, by saying this. I am not lurking around for nookie, or trying in anyway to foster any king of relationship, sexual or otherwise, with this post. Circumstances in my current life are not conducive to romance, as such I am abstinent... despite how much I hate it, hehe. I would also like to say that, I don't use most of these terms often, so if I screw up, and use a word in a wrong way, I am very sorry. I'm not trying to be an . I also want to say, I'm not trying to break any rules here. The topic at had, in a very simplistic view, can be considers "sexually orientated", but its is so much more in my mind...
The reason I am posting this here is two fold... three technically. A: I want the views of a trans community. B: I have perused this forum a few times, and you guys (unknowingly) helped me when I was having a hard time. C: You all seemed very cool, and very... tolerant. So... Lets throw myself into the fire, huh?
I have a question for the transgender community. Why am I the 'bad guy'?
I have a confession that I have never really told anybody. I am sexually attracted to pre-op transsexual women... I'm that "straight guy" (more on that later) that wants to have a sexual relationship with a woman that has male parts down there....
Now, this is not to say I am only sexually attracted to this. I have the same physical desire for woman. Rarely I have had the same attraction towards men, though that has been few an far between. Truth be told, I don't consider my self hetero. Though, when asked, it is just easier to say that then to describe fully what I find to be sexually attractive... And, if I'm being honest, I don't want to deal with the hassle from some jackwagon who thinks that these issues are simple A or B matters.
Specifically, I don't really consider myself straight. Or gay. Or bi... I guess queer would work, if that wasn't a loaded term in some communities. I don't really consider myself anything. I am. And I enjoy things. And if you enjoy something, you should do it... so long as you are not harming anybody. Its really that simple.
Now... what originally directed me to this rant/query/ whatever it is I'm writing, was this...
While wandering around online I somehow stumbled into a discussion of other blokes pretty much talking about how much they would like to "<not allowed>" a "->-bleeped-<-" and other * like that. While distasteful, individual people where more respectful, and that kept me reading. As the discussion evolved, it grew into a "why do I like this am I gay OH NOES!!1!" type bs. And then a post from a trans woman. 'traits of guys that like trans-women' or something along these lines...
I clicked the link, and read through them, curios what she had to say as an "insider" as-it-were. And this is where that little devil on my shoulder started telling me to punch someone in the throat... She made these huge sweeping generalizations. Using terms to describe people like me such as:
"low self esteam",
Okay.. I admit. I have some self esteem issues. But these are spawned from a hard life and a bunch of screw ups, and have NOTHING to do with my sexuality.
"insecurties, paranoia, nervous, scared, shy,"
Again, I'll relent a bit. I am shy. I'm shy around girls, boys, people, crowds, speaking in public, yada yada. Shy isn't bad.. It just is. But most "natural" females I have known consider shy guys to be "cute"
"very confused" "suffering from some sort of sexual idenity crissis. They don't know if there gay, straight, bisexual, or curious, lol." "never stay faithfull towards u. Because since there bisexual, a girl with a vagina, and a girl with a penis, they will always go back and forth, and will never settle down with just one gender."
Again, I will give in a bit. At first, when I was trying to understand my own sexuality, there was a bit of confusion, including a brief period of time I thought I may be trans myself... but, after some deep thought, the confusion cleared.... Are you sure the "men" you are dating aren't boys in disguise? As for 'choosing a gender' to be attracted to... How dare you.... How dare you.
"not alpha males."
Hehehe... How old are you? Seriously? Grow up. Humans don't even come close to that sort of social structure. "Alpha Males" are guys that have security issues... or at least everyone that I have met.
"(Total bottom )"
If anybody (outside of a romantic lover in a very particular setting) said anything like this to me, I would show them what a "" could do with a sledgehammer.... (No.. I'm not actually saying I would hurt her. Just fuming)
"pathological LIERS"
On average humans tell dozens of lies a day... HUMANS...
"There pretty much, geeks, wierd, nerds and just * up, lol."
Since when are geeks bad? Geeks and nerds, if you haven't noticed, own and run the world now... AS for * up... well again, I have lived a hard life. It leaves scars. I'm sure you can understand that... Now, correct me if I am wrong, but thats part of being in a relationship. Helping the person you love deal with bad stuff... >.> At least, that's what I've done.
"cheap skates"
Seriously, what kind of people are you seeing?
"total cowards, aka =losers"
I have, literally, stepped in front of a charging bear to protect my girlfriend at that time.... cowardice in its purest form.
"in fact homophobic".
<not allowed> ....
Now that I had my say, let us continue...
I guess it wouldn't bother me so much, and I would just chalk it up to stupid is as stupid does... but the response from other trans woman these comments got... The only time I have seen such vitriol is when bigots verbally assault... trans people.
In part, I want to say this...
I am a physical being. Nature has programed me to be attracted to certain forms of stimulation, based upon my five senses and emotion. Among this stimuli I am attracted to are cupcakes, Hawaiian pizza, being hugged, Death Metal, certain voices ( I would make love to Corey Taylors vocal cords if I could
), "pretty things", cool and dark colors, the feeling of snow under my feet, the warmth of lips pressed against mine, the presence of someone I care about, the feeling of my hair being pulled, the sensation of things in my mouth, and yes..
You cannot tell me that, as a physical being, you don't respond to certain stimuli also? A lover nibbling on you earlobe? A cuddle on the couch while watching a movie? I could go on...
As a trans, you should understand this next question well... What if society (or an element there of) shunned you for feeling a certain way. What if you were called things you where not. Gay. , Man, Woman, Freak. ...... would you like me to continue?
So... I like the idea ( I cannot say more than that due to me never having actually been with one) of being with a pre-op trans-woman.... or do I? Cause truth be told, the idea of a woman with a strap-on hits most of the same sexual triggers.... So lets say this instead... I like the idea of being with a woman that has something extra... or not... Maybe a very pretty bloke instead. Here. This is what I like.. I like having a sexual relationship with a person that is aggressive or "dominant" in the bedroom. There we are... Can none of you say the same?
But of course, cause I'm the "->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-" I'm the bad guy... I'm the scum... even though I have not once engaged a single trans-woman for sex...
Ah... sex... Maybe thats our problem... sex.
Sex is good. Except for a handful or rare cases, everybody loves sex. But sex is NOT a relationship... just as sex IS NOT gender....
Now, I don't know if these woman that had all these negative things to say about people like me are just bad at choosing romantic interests... or what... But a lot of it seems to be based off of that terrible three letter word that causes so much strife.
From what I understand, and have witnessed (much to my dismay) woman (which if it is like I understand it, thats what trans women are) like to be treated like a woman. In bed and otherwise. Understandable. I like to be treated a certain way in bed and otherwise to... and if I'm not getting that, I am missing something I "need".
Do you know what grown-ups do when they aren't being fulfilled in a relationship? (Granted, this is the ideal, and so few people are able to do so... more on that later.) They separate. And then they go find someone that can give them what they "need". Hopefully, barring in bad circumstances, they can remain friends with their prior lover... but sadly that isn't as often as it should be...Admittedly sometimes for the better though.
I could go into how relationships work, or should, but lets keep this brief (cause I'm doing a bang up job with that).
The sex thing is only a small part of a functional relationship. If this is your basis for a relationship, then your...
What about the important stuff? Attraction. Both physical and mental. What about emotional attraction? The power of sex, so far as I understand it, is nothing compared to the power of love. Might sound like hippy bs... but its true. After all, I wouldn't step in front of a charging ursine for a good <not allowed>... But I wouldn't even think about it if love was on the line.
...
One of the responders to the wretch of a woman that triggered this, made a few more rational statements...
She described the tendency of her past relationships to be 'hit it and quit it'. That the blokes she hooked up with just wanted to play (which, imo, is fine so long as both parties understand this) and how they were not interested in her as a person . Her "advanced science degrees" or "professional art".... I am truly sorry for this... it really does suck that she was being treated like a sex object. I know me personally, if I found a lady into the sciences as much as I am.... wow...
But that's beside the point.. She was being treated like an object... and that sucks.. I am truly sorry that some guys are like that... but, and I'm sorry to say, welcome to the world as a woman.
There are MANY guys that are only interested in playing... which could be okay, if who they want to play with is cool with that. But if this is your ONLY experience... you have some real questions to ask yourself.
What kind of jerks are you dating? Why give "it" up so quickly? There is a reason that there is the "gatekeeper" perception of woman's sexuality... cause, if you want to find some one that is genuinely interested in a meaningful and productive relationship... you kinda gotta be.
Now, I'm not saying this tendency to just be after a <not allowed> is exclusive to males, but it is more common in blokes than chicas.
If you are one of these girls that having these kind of issues with guys, I first want to say I am sorry. Next I want to say is... keep trying.
I am one person, so I am hardly a decent sample size... but I don't see how I could be the only male on the face of the planet after more than a <not allowed>. Its just.. VERY unlikely... And despite my experience deprived, but deeply desired, relationship with a lady with something extra... Even if I met the physical ideal of what I want... I STILL would not sleep with her. I want to make sure, first, that we get along. That we can converse and enjoy each others company. That we have enough similar interests to enjoy together, but enough different ones so we get our private time. And then we have to make sure she is at least roughly as smart as me (preferably smarter)... and that she can handle all the "baggage" I come attached to, and I hers (I cant imagine her life was easy in this age of bigotry). IE... We have to start falling in love first.. then MAYBE (lets be honest, Probably....) I would sleep with her... And then it gets a bit more complicated, as we have to make sure we are into the same things.... I can't be the only male with my 'kink' that feels the same way... But I'm just a dirty pervert fetishist, so what does my word matter...
Lets be honest... The above is virtually impossible to attain... Chances are you arn't gonna find a * insert desired type here *. You aren't, and nor are 90% of the people on this planet. You gonna have to settle on something... I suggest you take an ugly guy who loves you, over a "alpha male" who wants you to... Just as I'm gonna have to settle... I'm never gonna find the ideal, let alone a "dominant" woman who is attracted to me for myself... so I'm gonna have to settle on that front. Thems the apples. Hope you can live with them.
I understand the life of a trans person (and anyone who doesn't fall into the binary mold) can be very hard. And at the end of the day, it can leave you feeling very lonely and very insecure... I feel like that to. And I understand what its like to be labeled as * pick your derogatory *, thats what sparked this rant. And I understand that you prolly feel some frustration that people are treating you like an object and not the awesome person you are. I cant really say I know what that feels like though... I wish I did. (if only to know what to say to soothe the welts it leaves).... but... As the Dread Pirate Roberts said "Life is pain!" (anyone that tells you otherwise is a liar, or trying to sell you something). But its through these pains, or the conquering of, that we receive clarity. And humanity. It makes us strong. It teaches us right and wrong. And, with a bit of luck, it brings us to the arms of someone we love, and someone that loves us.
I feel like there is a lot I left unsaid (more like ranted). And I feel like I said too much. I hope what I wrote didn't hurt anyone... And I hope you can understand why I am so upset. But who cares... I'm just a scumbag fetishist.
Addendum
I couldn't really find a place to work this in.. and am not quite sure I should. But I'm trying to be as honest and forthright as possible.
Like I said, I am abstinent for personal reasons. This is not to say I don't masturbate. And, if you read above, you can guess what porn I prefer. I do want to say this. I feel guilty about it. Constantly. Mind you, I have no guilt about liking kinky stuff.... I feel guilty about other things.
I understand in the pornography world, there is ALOT of exploitation or trans folk (mostly of trans-woman). This is what I feel guilty about. Even the thought crossing my mind that this woman hates the body she was born with, and is only doing this to pave the way to full transition. I feel unrelenting guilt that she even may feel disgusted/exploited/ or used.... This does weigh on me. I feel horrible that my sexual desire could be, inadvertently, harming someone... It literally makes me want to puke.
I try hard to stay away from this... I try to only consume material that is written word or hand/computer generated. Though I do, sometimes, lapse... the desire to see a physical being outweighing my humanity... and I feel filthy for that.
For this, I want to say, I am sorry.
