I do not pass. Why does that matter to me? Why can't I just ignore it and know that I'm a woman anyway? Why don't I just do what I feel? Here's why:
I'm already doing what I feel. I'm being myself. I feel I have no choice in that regardless of how I look or how people address me. I do know that I'm a woman, but I know other people don't see me that way. I don't use clothing or voice or social roles to define myself, and I don't feel any satisfaction from people electing to accept me as something -- as though I were proposing a suggestion, and they subsequently decide if they want to participate. It makes me feel as if I'm offering someone a portion of a candy bar and they can either partake or reject. My womanhood is not analogous to a candy bar, and I'd rather avoid experiencing that situation altogether.
If I were to wear women's clothing, I would do it because I like what I choose to wear. But if wearing what I like means that I have to constantly go through the candy bar checkpoint, I would personally not have the capacity to enjoy what I am wearing. As a result, for the time being, I am reclusive because I both do not want to become exhausted via candy bar logistics, and neither do I identify as a male or have any desire to involve myself in life under that pretext of identity -- for the record, when I do go out, I dress as androgynous as possible and have a femininely groomed appearance (plucked eyebrows, enhance eyebrows with makeup, long, shiny, wavy hair, so on and so forth), I really cannot stand carrying a masculine persona.
It has nothing to do with my wanting to tough it out or work hard. I already work hard toward my transition. I could definitely "bite the bullet," but I wouldn't be any happier. I'd just be a girl in flats who constantly feels horrible, because she can't stop being distracted by wondering about how many people see her as a guy in flats. I'm completely content for the women who do feel happy meeting the transition challenge headstrong, but it is simply not for me; this is all despite the fact that my friends are proactively supportive of me, my co-workers are aware and have proactively expressed support for whenever I decide to move along, and much of my family supports me; the people I know easily see me as feminine. A big part of it for me is how grossly uncomfortable I feel in my skin, not just my clothing.
Our individuality isn't only an extension of personality but of our inner selves. My individuality (and that of many other trans people) states that it is not comfortable "forcing" a presentation.
