how early in life did you know that something was wrong or different

[evecrook]

It sounds like you could use a therapist trained in transgender awareness

[stephaniec]

I knew from the earliest conscious  awareness  of my youth . I remember always wearing my older sisters clothes. I think eventually she got tired of me doing it because as I grew older I realized she didn't like me very much. I had no where else to turn for clothes so I kept doing it until my younger sister  gave me two garbage bags filled with her clothes. I must of known it wasn't the proper thing to do because I couldn't wear them to school and the fact I had to hide when doing it. Also once my mother left her girdle in the bath room. I remember looking at it for a while try to think if I should put it on or not. This when I was about 6 or 7. For some reason no matter how hard I try I can't remember if I put it on or not .I know I wanted to, but that's as far as I get in my memory.

[kariann330]

I have known almost my entire life. As far back as i could remember i hoped and prayed that i would wake up a girl so i could wear cute dresses and skirts. When i was in 5th grade and was home alone after school i started sneaking into my moms room to wear her undies, dresses, skirts and so on and everything felt soo right that i wished i never had to change out of them.

[1LynnK]

I learned at age 4-5. I had a boy and a girl cousin that were my age, a year younger then me, the boy age 3. We would all play together, and sleepover, etc. I always wanted to play with my girl cousin and with easybake oven, barbers, play dress up in girls clothes, etc. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, just what I liked and made me feel good.

My dad caught me playing with dolls and baby strollers, etc., and then shamed me, and told me I was a boy and should play with the hot wheels and G.I. joe with my boy cousin. I remember this very well, because he made me feel really bad and ashamed and I couldn't understand why. I still played with my girl cousin and clothes, I just was more careful not to let my dad catch me.

[~RoadToTrista~]

Well when I was little I was sitting in my PE class secretly wishing I was a girl, I did like girly things but I didn't care until puberty, when I started becoming uncomfortable with my shirt off and often looked at my back in the mirror admiring how feminine it was. When I was 16 I came out to myself because I was upset that I couldn't get pregnant and I was tired of people identifying me as a guy and my body dysphoria was significantly worse by then.

[Oriah]

I have known something was different/wrong since I can remember, but it took me until I was eighteen to really figure out that I was undoubtedly trans, and another year to do something about it.

[anjaq]

My first definitve memory was around age 6 or 7 when I was in primary school and not allowed to play girl games with the girls and I did not want to play boy games. I was standing there at the corner of the playground and watching envious how the girls played with such joy and lightness. That feeling haunted me forever then (wanting to feel light and moving with lightness). Before age 6 I do not have any memories at all anyways
Sometime after that I was sent to my childhood psychologist because I became very introverted and was considered to be weird because I did not play with the boys and was very quiet, sensitive and all that.
At around age 8 to 12 I was doing pony riding a lot and I was one of the few kids there that would be regarded a "boy" who would do this a lot. I loved it - but I felt that I was supposed to be just another girl and envied the other girls for being friends in a group while I was excluded. I became a loner throughout puberty. Puberty was worst of all. I am crying now everytime I think of it. I could not cry back then. Never could. I died emotionally with puberty. So much wrongness. It took me until I was in my early 20ies to find something called usenet and internet which was really only because I became a nerd during puberty, because back then "internet" was not mainstream (14k and 56k modems via landline). Then I found out - about trans* - about transitioning , about hormones. I was still uncertain. I was thinking of myself as a pervert - a "boy who wants to be a girl", which for me also had someties sexual aspects as I was imagining to have "girl sex". I knew how it should feel like, how my body should be like and during puberty thought that maybe one day they would do a surgery on me and find that under that skin there was a vagina and more. So for thinking all tha tI considered myself to be deviant. I did so for a while after starting transitioning as in the support group everyone talked about how they dressed and how they wanted to "live as women" and for me this was less important so I thought maybe I am not transsexual because for me so much focus was on the body and not the rest. Now I know that I am "right", that what I felt was body dysphoria and that it is quite common with transsexuals who have known early on that something was wrong. Just not all of the ones I met were like this and those that were probably did not talk about it a lot.

[stephaniec]

My first definitve memory was around age 6 or 7 when I was in primary school and not allowed to play girl games with the girls and I did not want to play boy games. I was standing there at the corner of the playground and watching envious how the girls played with such joy and lightness. That feeling haunted me forever then (wanting to feel light and moving with lightness). Before age 6 I do not have any memories at all anyways
Sometime after that I was sent to my childhood psychologist because I became very introverted and was considered to be weird because I did not play with the boys and was very quiet, sensitive and all that.
At around age 8 to 12 I was doing pony riding a lot and I was one of the few kids there that would be regarded a "boy" who would do this a lot. I loved it - but I felt that I was supposed to be just another girl and envied the other girls for being friends in a group while I was excluded. I became a loner throughout puberty. Puberty was worst of all. I am crying now everytime I think of it. I could not cry back then. Never could. I died emotionally with puberty. So much wrongness. It took me until I was in my early 20ies to find something called usenet and internet which was really only because I became a nerd during puberty, because back then "internet" was not mainstream (14k and 56k modems via landline). Then I found out - about trans* - about transitioning , about hormones. I was still uncertain. I was thinking of myself as a pervert - a "boy who wants to be a girl", which for me also had someties sexual aspects as I was imagining to have "girl sex". I knew how it should feel like, how my body should be like and during puberty thought that maybe one day they would do a surgery on me and find that under that skin there was a vagina and more. So for thinking all tha tI considered myself to be deviant. I did so for a while after starting transitioning as in the support group everyone talked about how they dressed and how they wanted to "live as women" and for me this was less important so I thought maybe I am not transsexual because for me so much focus was on the body and not the rest. Now I know that I am "right", that what I felt was body dysphoria and that it is quite common with transsexuals who have known early on that something was wrong. Just not all of the ones I met were like this and those that were probably did not talk about it a lot.

Your story is so similar to  mine.   I didn't realize until much later I needed to transition. I was also a tortured introvert. The best time of my life was when I met a bunch of girls that went to a girls college. they accepted me as girl friend and my soul cried.

[stephaniec]

My first definitve memory was around age 6 or 7 when I was in primary school and not allowed to play girl games with the girls and I did not want to play boy games. I was standing there at the corner of the playground and watching envious how the girls played with such joy and lightness. That feeling haunted me forever then (wanting to feel light and moving with lightness). Before age 6 I do not have any memories at all anyways
Sometime after that I was sent to my childhood psychologist because I became very introverted and was considered to be weird because I did not play with the boys and was very quiet, sensitive and all that.
At around age 8 to 12 I was doing pony riding a lot and I was one of the few kids there that would be regarded a "boy" who would do this a lot. I loved it - but I felt that I was supposed to be just another girl and envied the other girls for being friends in a group while I was excluded. I became a loner throughout puberty. Puberty was worst of all. I am crying now everytime I think of it. I could not cry back then. Never could. I died emotionally with puberty. So much wrongness. It took me until I was in my early 20ies to find something called usenet and internet which was really only because I became a nerd during puberty, because back then "internet" was not mainstream (14k and 56k modems via landline). Then I found out - about trans* - about transitioning , about hormones. I was still uncertain. I was thinking of myself as a pervert - a "boy who wants to be a girl", which for me also had someties sexual aspects as I was imagining to have "girl sex". I knew how it should feel like, how my body should be like and during puberty thought that maybe one day they would do a surgery on me and find that under that skin there was a vagina and more. So for thinking all tha tI considered myself to be deviant. I did so for a while after starting transitioning as in the support group everyone talked about how they dressed and how they wanted to "live as women" and for me this was less important so I thought maybe I am not transsexual because for me so much focus was on the body and not the rest. Now I know that I am "right", that what I felt was body dysphoria and that it is quite common with transsexuals who have known early on that something was wrong. Just not all of the ones I met were like this and those that were probably did not talk about it a lot.

I just started crying again your story is so much like mine

[anjaq]

Stephanie, I hope your crying is a good thing and it is not too much causing you hurt. Hugs. I think this story probably is similar to what many of us experienced. Sometimes I wish I had told my childhood psych about why I became introvert, but I did not dare to. Just like I did not dare to tell anyone ever even as a child what is going on. I was a smart kid, I knew that what I felt was not how I was supposed to feel according to what parents and peers and teachers thought to be acceptable, so I kept it all to myself. So sad really, but I realized that maybe this also saved something about me. I build an armor around myself that defended my self against bad stuff that would happen to me as a result of me being different. that armor was my "guy-robot", that was pretending to be a guy to the world. It was not working great, people still saw I am different, it never managed to be really masculine and at age 22 it broke down. But it defended my sould from some hurt that would have come my way. I think if I had felt all these blows that I would have gotten without that shielding, my personality might have been hurt and maybe changed to be more like what for me was just the robot. the only downside was that I was in a way just a kid when I dropped the robot and became myself outwardly. I was feeling weak and behaved childish in some ways, but thats ok, I'd rather be that than a person that hurts still from all the abuse that would be hitting directly if there would not have been that introversion-armor...

[stephaniec]

Stephanie, I hope your crying is a good thing and it is not too much causing you hurt. Hugs. I think this story probably is similar to what many of us experienced. Sometimes I wish I had told my childhood psych about why I became introvert, but I did not dare to. Just like I did not dare to tell anyone ever even as a child what is going on. I was a smart kid, I knew that what I felt was not how I was supposed to feel according to what parents and peers and teachers thought to be acceptable, so I kept it all to myself. So sad really, but I realized that maybe this also saved something about me. I build an armor around myself that defended my self against bad stuff that would happen to me as a result of me being different. that armor was my "guy-robot", that was pretending to be a guy to the world. It was not working great, people still saw I am different, it never managed to be really masculine and at age 22 it broke down. But it defended my sould from some hurt that would have come my way. I think if I had felt all these blows that I would have gotten without that shielding, my personality might have been hurt and maybe changed to be more like what for me was just the robot. the only downside was that I was in a way just a kid when I dropped the robot and became myself outwardly. I was feeling weak and behaved childish in some ways, but thats ok, I'd rather be that than a person that hurts still from all the abuse that would be hitting directly if there would not have been that introversion-armor...

It's a cry of joy from my soul that we're the same and the  those girls I met a while back always bring tears of joy to me. I've always cried a lot naturally.

[stephaniec]

My first definitve memory was around age 6 or 7 when I was in primary school and not allowed to play girl games with the girls and I did not want to play boy games. I was standing there at the corner of the playground and watching envious how the girls played with such joy and lightness. That feeling haunted me forever then (wanting to feel light and moving with lightness). Before age 6 I do not have any memories at all anyways
Sometime after that I was sent to my childhood psychologist because I became very introverted and was considered to be weird because I did not play with the boys and was very quiet, sensitive and all that.
At around age 8 to 12 I was doing pony riding a lot and I was one of the few kids there that would be regarded a "boy" who would do this a lot. I loved it - but I felt that I was supposed to be just another girl and envied the other girls for being friends in a group while I was excluded. I became a loner throughout puberty. Puberty was worst of all. I am crying now everytime I think of it. I could not cry back then. Never could. I died emotionally with puberty. So much wrongness. It took me until I was in my early 20ies to find something called usenet and internet which was really only because I became a nerd during puberty, because back then "internet" was not mainstream (14k and 56k modems via landline). Then I found out - about trans* - about transitioning , about hormones. I was still uncertain. I was thinking of myself as a pervert - a "boy who wants to be a girl", which for me also had someties sexual aspects as I was imagining to have "girl sex". I knew how it should feel like, how my body should be like and during puberty thought that maybe one day they would do a surgery on me and find that under that skin there was a vagina and more. So for thinking all tha tI considered myself to be deviant. I did so for a while after starting transitioning as in the support group everyone talked about how they dressed and how they wanted to "live as women" and for me this was less important so I thought maybe I am not transsexual because for me so much focus was on the body and not the rest. Now I know that I am "right", that what I felt was body dysphoria and that it is quite common with transsexuals who have known early on that something was wrong. Just not all of the ones I met were like this and those that were probably did not talk about it a lot.

that surgery thing is so true. There was a science fiction tv show I saw as a teen where a guy was surgically changed to look like a alien. I could never get it out of my mind growing up that that was me an they were changing my body to female.

[anjaq]

that surgery thing is so true. There was a science fiction tv show I saw as a teen where a guy was surgically changed to look like a alien. I could never get it out of my mind growing up that that was me an they were changing my body to female.

Oh yes I had those fantasies too of course. And fairies and dschinns and everything magical I imagined. But what I wrote there was a tad bit less fantastic in my teen mind. I was actually thinking that it would be possible. Not that they would change me into a woman by some accidental surgery (that was fantasy, and good ones), but that actually if they would do some surgery on me, lets say because I broke a hip bone, they would actually discover that there are actually female parts within me and that I am intersexed. For a while I really was thinking that this is a possibility and it would then legitimize how I was. I even knew exactly where the vagina should be, I tried to "poke a hole" with a finger to see if it really was there and I KNEW how it should feel like to have a vulva. I am weird, I know, but thats how I was. It all came true by the way - it really does feel as I already felt it before except sadly I had a PI and not the new surgeries, so I am missing some things. So that was a bit of a mix between fantasy and possible reality there. I must have been around age 14-16 or so when I had these thoughts.
At age 7 when I had my first "I am different and weird" feelings that I can remember, it was not that much centered around such things - basically at that age the body differences were less, so my body dysphoria was also less, but it was a lot of social dysphoria at that time.
I wish I would know what happened between 3/4 and 7. Its weird that I cannot remember when everyone else can. I wonder why?

[Starla]

Oh gosh, ever since I can remember. I was 4 or 5 when I just "knew" something wasn't right. It was also that age when I would dress in my mom's clothes (when she wasn't home, of course) here I am at about 8 or 9 years old



with my Ken doll  and only because my mom flat out refused to get me a Barbie. It sucked.

[LJP]

  This subject has bothered me lately. I just two weeks ago realized I wanted to live the remainder of my life as a woman. It pretty much blindsided me, in a good way. I was watching some of the TED episodes. The one that sparked the discovery was about a woman who dealt with gender issues. It was mainly about how in the womb sometimes there is an error with the hormones. A person who is suppose to be a woman is given testosterone instead of estrogen and vice versa. She spoke of a young man who had health problems and they discovered he had ovaries. She then went into detail how distressed he was. I myself have some internal health problems. I thought what if that is what is wrong with me. Not only did it not distress me it made me feel happier than I ever remember feeling. I have battled depression most of my life and they have never been able to pin down what is actually causing it. It felt like a weight had been lifted. I was high on life for days. Learning about gender dys. and transitioning have been all I could focus on. One thing kept bothering me. Why did it take me this long for realize this? From posts I have read most ppl have known since childhood. It's nice to hear some others learned this later also. It makes me feel better. I'm rambling thx for listening.

[MiaOhMya!]

This feeling has been ever-present in me (Literally for as long as I can remember). My first clear memory of this was like so many others..I was about 4 years old and I went to get dressed and put on my sisters clothes instead of mine. Same here too about praying to God to change me, crying myself to sleep, just praying and hoping all my childhood that I would change. It breaks my heart that I used to hope and dream so much about something so futile.


LJP I don't think it's so much about when you realise your nature, but instead when you do something about it. I wish I'd done more about my trans-ness early in life, then I could have avoided soooo many tough years of depression.

[LJP]

Hi mia,
I agree with you 100%. I just wish I had those years back to live the life I was meant to live.

[stephaniec]

Oh yes I had those fantasies too of course. And fairies and dschinns and everything magical I imagined. But what I wrote there was a tad bit less fantastic in my teen mind. I was actually thinking that it would be possible. Not that they would change me into a woman by some accidental surgery (that was fantasy, and good ones), but that actually if they would do some surgery on me, lets say because I broke a hip bone, they would actually discover that there are actually female parts within me and that I am intersexed. For a while I really was thinking that this is a possibility and it would then legitimize how I was. I even knew exactly where the vagina should be, I tried to "poke a hole" with a finger to see if it really was there and I KNEW how it should feel like to have a vulva. I am weird, I know, but thats how I was. It all came true by the way - it really does feel as I already felt it before except sadly I had a PI and not the new surgeries, so I am missing some things. So that was a bit of a mix between fantasy and possible reality there. I must have been around age 14-16 or so when I had these thoughts.
At age 7 when I had my first "I am different and weird" feelings that I can remember, it was not that much centered around such things - basically at that age the body differences were less, so my body dysphoria was also less, but it was a lot of social dysphoria at that time.
I wish I would know what happened between 3/4 and 7. Its weird that I cannot remember when everyone else can. I wonder why?

I know 14 to 16 were probably the worst time of my life. I knew my body was so terribly wrong and it made me quite depressed. I even tried growing my breasts with a lotion I made some stuff in the bath room ,I don't remember what. It really was a hard time because of puberty I guess. I only remember back to 4 or 5 because that's when I started wearing my sisters clothes when I could get away with it. I don't know maybe you were just a happy little child between 3 and 7. I know the social dysphoria  was terrible for me. I wouldn't talk to anybody. In grade school at lunch time we use to play in the street they'd block off in front of the parish church. I would just stand by my self in the middle of the street and watch everyone I don't think I ever once played with any one.

[stephaniec]

  This subject has bothered me lately. I just two weeks ago realized I wanted to live the remainder of my life as a woman. It pretty much blindsided me, in a good way. I was watching some of the TED episodes. The one that sparked the discovery was about a woman who dealt with gender issues. It was mainly about how in the womb sometimes there is an error with the hormones. A person who is suppose to be a woman is given testosterone instead of estrogen and vice versa. She spoke of a young man who had health problems and they discovered he had ovaries. She then went into detail how distressed he was. I myself have some internal health problems. I thought what if that is what is wrong with me. Not only did it not distress me it made me feel happier than I ever remember feeling. I have battled depression most of my life and they have never been able to pin down what is actually causing it. It felt like a weight had been lifted. I was high on life for days. Learning about gender dys. and transitioning have been all I could focus on. One thing kept bothering me. Why did it take me this long for realize this? From posts I have read most ppl have known since childhood. It's nice to hear some others learned this later also. It makes me feel better. I'm rambling thx for listening.

I don't know I just guessing ,but it was probably there all along something triggered it to surface for some reason. Did you have any kind of dreams as you were growing up that might of hinted at it

[LJP]

I don't know I just guessing ,but it was probably there all along something triggered it to surface for some reason. Did you have any kind of dreams as you were growing up that might of hinted at it

I've racked my brain there is nothing that stands out. I was all ways respectful and admired women more than guys I knew. I was raised by a single mother and assumed that was why. I'm attracted to woman, still am. I'm frnds with two transgender women and it never occurred to me I wanted that life. I emailed one about having lunch after new year and she is going to help me find a therapist with gender dys. training. She didn't seem at all surprised, but it was email. I will discuss it with her. It just seems odd to me that I would have that much of a reaction to something without it ever occurring to me. Maybe I'm just repressed or something , honestly I'm super confused. I sketch and paint sometimes. I read and 9 step advice thing. A suggestion was to draw yourself older as a woman or a man, whatever felt right. I've never done a self portrait before. I've done like 10 of myself as a woman. Then I looked at them and they are all very similar to pinup sketches I'd done. It looks like they are of the same woman. It's like I've had this image in my head, but didn't realize it was me? I appreciate the reply stephaniec. It feels good to chat about it. I've been counting the days til Jan.1.