how early in life did you know that something was wrong or different

[stephaniec]

I totally am close to crying everytime I think of this. Back then it was in slow motion so it was really bad and horrible but it was in some way bearable as it was just some small mutation everyday. Looking back nowadays automatically makes me remember it in fast forward and it is like the freaking "incredible Hulk" or something. Good that at least I was not turning green
But really - I described my whole ordeal with the body dysphoria to a friend of mine who is somehow trans as well (well transitioned and detransitioned) but mostly dealt with social dysphoria. He replied "then puberty must have been to you like every day saying 'oh sh*t, oh sh*t, oh sh*t'" - that totally nailed it and I think I cried for half an hour after that. What a effing nightmare... puberty. The dysphoria before that? About not being able to play with the girls and being laughed at by the boys for liking ponys and wanting long hair and creating friendship albums like the other girls - nothing compared to puberty... Just father coming by and giving me an electric razor telling me I will need it soon and grinning - it was like in some evil sadistic movie. Like a threat. And he meant it of course as a positive thing. If only he had known.

puberty kind of ripped me apart physically. All my childhood from age 4 was consumed by finding ways to dress in my sisters clothes. When puberty hit It was like the hulk trying to get free any way possible. I remember watch a movie and seeing a pretty actress and my body went trough a physical hell wanting to look like her and dress like her . It wasn't a pleasant  experience. I had a very distorted view of my body. I could deal with that fact I had no breast development . I even mixed up a concoction and applied to my chest to make my breast grow. Puberty was hell with no relief.

[Kyra553]

I totally am close to crying everytime I think of this. Back then it was in slow motion so it was really bad and horrible but it was in some way bearable as it was just some small mutation everyday. Looking back nowadays automatically makes me remember it in fast forward and it is like the freaking "incredible Hulk" or something. Good that at least I was not turning green
But really - I described my whole ordeal with the body dysphoria to a friend of mine who is somehow trans as well (well transitioned and detransitioned) but mostly dealt with social dysphoria. He replied "then puberty must have been to you like every day saying 'oh sh*t, oh sh*t, oh sh*t'" - that totally nailed it and I think I cried for half an hour after that. What a effing nightmare... puberty. The dysphoria before that? About not being able to play with the girls and being laughed at by the boys for liking ponys and wanting long hair and creating friendship albums like the other girls - nothing compared to puberty... Just father coming by and giving me an electric razor telling me I will need it soon and grinning - it was like in some evil sadistic movie. Like a threat. And he meant it of course as a positive thing. If only he had known.

Its strange how we can remember those iconic moments in life where things were changing from what we knew to.. what nature wanted us to act as.

[stephaniec]

Its strange how we can remember those iconic moments in life where things were changing from what we knew to.. what nature wanted us to act as.

For me my dad was totally aware of my cross dressing problem . He was going by the rules of the game back in those times. It wasn't his fault, but he always try to build up that male side , which was normal for a father to do to a son , but it just made me more introverted than I was .

[anjaq]

I remember watch a movie and seeing a pretty actress and my body went trough a physical hell wanting to look like her and dress like her . It wasn't a pleasant  experience. I had a very distorted view of my body.[...] Puberty was hell with no relief.

Yes - the constant watching other girls with the mix of longing and sadness .
I felt like this inside:

[generous4]

I appreciate and share your perspective that our first thoughts were body centric.  I was sure i was or would be a girl and then a mom who would breast feed her babies.  It was that "body centric" feminine shadow that followed me through life until now finally realized in transition.  Still, clothing related events are real and not invalidated by another perspective.  I love to now dress femininely but the biggest change remains between my ears.

Yes, I agree.  Clothing is significant, and it has been for me, like trying on my mom's bra and all the way to wearing my bra for the first time at work.  But as for first things, it was my body, well before I had any notion of clothes.

[generous4]

I knew about trans women from watching talk shows with my grandmother in my teens.

I might have transitioned a lot sooner if my grandmother or my mother had openly done this with me.  After reading this thread, and with a lot of thought, I am convinced that they both knew.

I also know that my grandmother, when she lived with us for about a year, went out and got a paperback copy of the Christine Jorgensen book, and left it around the living room.  I looked at it for about 2 seconds, then went to something else -- some boring book -- but my mom was in an uproar about it.  I heard her talking about it with my dad, "...bringing that Christine Jorgensen book into the house."

So they must have known about me.

[Northern Jane]

Reading other people's posts reminded me of more of my childhood, like that my Dad, my grandmother, and a few other adults were clued in on what was happening to me even though there was no term for it in the 1950s. These few people tried to give me room to express myself and keep me away from my intolerant mother. I guess I was fortunate that my mother was the only one who was vehement about suppressing my feminine side (unsuccessfully).

Puberty was a watershed for me. I was so certain I WAS a girl that developing breasts was a great reassurance but it didn't fix the problem 'down below'. The mixed puberty is what drove me from being very passive to being a bit pushy about getting medical help - I just wanted to develop like the other girls. It was a hard slog and took years but I eventually made it (by the skin of my teeth!)

[stephaniec]

yea, that puberty was just terrible. I just didn't know if there was any one I could turn to. I was just to introverted to get help, which I needed. Having this thing rip you apart mentally and physically and not being able to tell any body, quite the bummer

[stephaniec]

Yes - the constant watching other girls with the mix of longing and sadness .
I felt like this inside:

I use to have dreams like this before accepting it was all right to be me.

[anjaq]

I use to have dreams like this before accepting it was all right to be me.

i definitely felt like mybody was betraying me like that in puberty. mutating to something i was not. i think i reversed some of the mutations - the rest I am trying to accept more and more...

[stephaniec]

i definitely felt like mybody was betraying me like that in puberty. mutating to something i was not. i think i reversed some of the mutations - the rest I am trying to accept more and more...

I's definitely been a interesting life dealing with this force. It's been one heck of a challenge. It definitely would of been better not to have gone through it . Puberty was so bizarre . I just keep feeling the pain of trying to grow breasts and the incredible falseness of stuffing my sisters bras ugh. I wish they would of been able to help me back then, but as my therapist says I can heal now.

[stephaniec]

I's definitely been a interesting life dealing with this force. It's been one heck of a challenge. It definitely would of been better not to have gone through it . Puberty was so bizarre . I just keep feeling the pain of trying to grow breasts and the incredible falseness of stuffing my sisters bras ugh. I wish they would of been able to help me back then, but as my therapist says I can heal now.

sorry for this ranting. I've never been able to talk about this any one before much less on the internet. the puberty just made this problem with my body not being right explode. I was so isolated and a lone. Now I realize I wasn't alone. It affected my the rest of my life. I remember when I was 20 I bought a dress. I got home put it on and looked in the mirror. I got very upset because my body didn't look right. I didn't have the roundness and smoothness of a female body. I wore the dress once and gave it to my sister because I got so upset at my image in the mirror. My poor image lead me into anorexia . I had anorexia for three years and almost died. Some good teachers intervened and got me into therapy. I feel better though with HRT my breasts are real.

[Collette]

Ive known since I was five or six. My mom stored extra clothes in my room. I would take Christmas lights and put them inside the closet so I could have my own little room to dress up in. So...yeah...I was literately in the closet. :-)

[stephaniec]

Ive known since I was five or six. My mom stored extra clothes in my room. I would take Christmas lights and put them inside the closet so I could have my own little room to dress up in. So...yeah...I was literately in the closet. :-)

that sounds pretty cool

[TinaMadisonWhite]

My first memory was at 4 or 5.  I remember it like it was yesterday.   My family was watching Rogers & Hammerstein's musical, Cinderella.  Oh, how I longed to be Leslie Anne Warren!

Whenever I watched tv or movies, I always identified with the women.  For me, the men were stage props and supporting cast.

I'm not sure why, but the sense of shame and dysphoria didn't set in until puberty.  At that point, I think I started to become aware that I was blossoming - in the wrong direction!  And testosterone gave me feelings that grossed me out. 

[stephaniec]

My first memory was at 4 or 5.  I remember it like it was yesterday.   My family was watching Rogers & Hammerstein's musical, Cinderella.  Oh, how I longed to be Leslie Anne Warren!

Whenever I watched tv or movies, I always identified with the women.  For me, the men were stage props and supporting cast.

I'm not sure why, but the sense of shame and dysphoria didn't set in until puberty.  At that point, I think I started to become aware that I was blossoming - in the wrong direction!  And testosterone gave me feelings that grossed me out. My first memory as 4 . I use to dress in my sisters clothes when every one was sleeping or so I thought.

[stephaniec]

@noleen
"im getting my vagina installed next month."
i love this line. made me lol.
i need a reason to say this out in public. :p

i hope i find a friend like yours.
youre so lucky to have found her so soon in transition.

this is a pretty profound saying for me the feeling of wanting a vagina installed hit me quite hard in high school and from then on. Other things happened in my life that caused me to be side tracked ,but it's that thought that's always been with me. Now  that I'm transitioning it seems that the estrogen is making it a lot easier to visualize . My life has been like trying to be that male, that I never was. There is nothing I can do accept move forward, but you get stuck some times wishing You'd got help long before . I sought out a lot of counseling in the past , But looking back I'm positive they didn't give me the option of seeing that vagina installed . I truly wish I did. MY dysphoria has been so crippling . I'm all right now, because it's being taken care of. It's so weird to cope with this particular situation. It's not something you can sit down with a person and start talking about  getting a vagina installed.

[katiej]

I really can identify with a lot of experiences you all have mentioned, but not all of them.

One of my earliest memories is praying to wake up as a girl, and wearing a t-shirt around my waist as a skirt at the age of 4.  And the bump in the front didn't make sense, so I used a rubber band to tuck it in.    The cross dressing really kicked in when I was around 10 or so.  Whenever my mom would leave me at home alone, I was in her closet as soon as I knew her car had pulled off the street.  And the desire to "get my vagina installed" started around high school, and that never went away.

I never had the extreme body dysphoria or the depression that others have experienced.  And I've settled into the guy role fairly well.  So because of those two things, I never really thought I was trans.  And it wasn't until just a few months ago that I put everything together and finally realized that I definitely am.  Most people didn't cross-dress as kids and then spend their whole life wishing they had different genitalia.  So even without the suicidal thoughts and crippling depression, I am trans.

[stephaniec]

I really can identify with a lot of experiences you all have mentioned, but not all of them.

One of my earliest memories is praying to wake up as a girl, and wearing a t-shirt around my waist as a skirt at the age of 4.  And the bump in the front didn't make sense, so I used a rubber band to tuck it in.    The cross dressing really kicked in when I was around 10 or so.  Whenever my mom would leave me at home alone, I was in her closet as soon as I knew her car had pulled off the street.  And the desire to "get my vagina installed" started around high school, and that never went away.

I never had the extreme body dysphoria or the depression that others have experienced.  And I've settled into the guy role fairly well.  So because of those two things, I never really thought I was trans.  And it wasn't until just a few months ago that I put everything together and finally realized that I definitely am.  Most people didn't cross-dress as kids and then spend their whole life wishing they had different genitalia.  So even without the suicidal thoughts and crippling depression, I am trans.

It took me quite a long time to realize I was irrefutably trans. I've dealt with it since 4. I just never got the help I needed. I had other issue I dealt with in therapy , but the trans issue never came into the open. I wish it had .I am now dealing with at least so I am moving forward now.

[stephaniec]

I never thought I'd embrace being trans like I do now. I was in so much hiding  for so very long.