I had to come back on this one. I am concerned about the therapy posts, therapy for me is the difference between cracking up and staying sane and honest. Dysphoria for me is hard to accept and I fought it for decades, not understanding it at all. When I speak of intergration, it just means that I feel what I feel, see what I see or see through the male presentation - I always see the woman peeking out from the mask I dont self percieve as male- , and I still enjoy traditionally masculine tasks. However, I know without a doubt that I am fundamentally different from "normal" men. I just like doing some of the same things they do. And I am no longer male anyway. And happy about that believe me.
Transition without being absolutely sure to me is extremely risky. To do it without a therapist helping with any self deceptions is real trouble - and my position is dysphoria is not self deception it is something much, much different than that. But not knowing what your spin is on it is not good. It has to be an honest understanding of your body, mind, needs.
So I am comfortable with stealth, but its stealth, the same core remains of the transwoman. It is very physical for me, but when I am in my true mode, I am very, very female, and very happy. First thing my kids noticed was how normal it looked and felt with me, how happy I was, and that I looked pretty.
I am always female under the costume so to speak, which I wear well. I try not to worry about it. But I am deeply distressed if I am forced to wear male undergarments or cut my nails, which I think is abuse, and the thought of having a male body for me is something I can't even stand. Even to cut hormones short for SRS is something I dont think I could handle.
A good therapist is paramount. The loneliness of feeling different bites, hard, and there are the blended folks here to support. I sometimes feel wierd that I can so easily take on the so called male stealth role and do it comfortably, while others cannot, but its just the way I was built. And I'll keep the therapist because I know that can change. Flipping through multiple ones begs the question "is it that I don't want to hear what they see". Thats a hard question. You have to trust them, and they have to be worthy of your trust.
I am attracted to my wife still. That's more orientation as opposed to gender identity. Its not male or female, I don't think. Its just me. And I am 100% girl on the sex drive front.
Therapy for me challenges the way I think, validates, questions, heals, got me my letter. I always come prepared with notes about what I want to explore, how to relieve stress, meet others needs, meet mine, reclaim the good things of the past and not just focus on the abuse.
Hope it helps here. The board is about helping people and not being so alone. I think being TS is kinda rough some times. And I think those living full time are very courageous folks and I admire them.
In time, I may go outside the door and be pretty, let them see me as "Joy". Full societal transition thats my name. But not now. Too much to lose. They will see what I let them see, no more, I am tired of abuse and can't take more psychological damage from those who are clueless.
So I question - what is male? Doing stuff male, or identity? My identity is not male. I just like horsepower and stuff.
Hope this clarifies last post, its a little long here. I worry about anyone not getting the help they need from therapy. This dysphoria is way too powerful to screw around with. Not yelling here, just being concerned.
