Yes I've been to therapist. They are no more helpful than just taking to friend. They unlikely to know me better than myself. By posting this thread, I would expect that from maybe hundreds of eyes from this forum/community, I would get better/different input than the therapist.

Quote from: bingunginter on February 15, 2014, 08:26:48 AM
Anybody here still identify as male inside ? I've been really only mostly interested in the physical transition aspect of it. I want to be as female as attractive as I can on the outside. After transition, hrt, surgery, etc except srs, my mental and psychological doesn't change. So more accurately I think the best way to describe me is male on the inside, female on the outside. I do not hate my maleness either.

Heavens.

I have the integration.   And a lot of very good therapy.  I am comfortable as a male socially, and equally comfortable as a transwoman externally at home.  However the transwoman within is alway there, there is no fighting either way.  I find srs attractive but not a deal breaker.  Wont rule it out, wont intensly seek it, I am beautiful either way.

Crucial to have a really good, experienced therapist.  I live to get an absolute honest relationship with my body and mind.  I may or may not be different from other TS - and I am TS not TV, no judgement just my status - and hormones may change things.  And my task remains honesty and no self deception.

I have no fear of a detransition, I know what is right for me.

I had to come back on this one.  I am concerned about the therapy posts, therapy for me is the difference between cracking up and staying sane and honest.  Dysphoria for me is hard to accept and I fought it for decades, not understanding it at all.  When I speak of intergration, it just means that I feel what I feel, see what I see or see through the male presentation - I always see the woman peeking out from the mask I dont self percieve as male- , and I still enjoy traditionally masculine tasks.  However, I know without a doubt that I am fundamentally different from "normal" men.  I just like doing some of the same things they do.  And I am no longer male anyway.  And happy about that believe me.

Transition without being absolutely sure to me is extremely risky.  To do it without a therapist helping with any self deceptions is real trouble - and my position is dysphoria is not self deception it is something much, much different than that.  But not knowing what your spin is on it is not good.  It has to be an honest understanding of your body, mind, needs.

So I am comfortable with stealth, but its stealth, the same core remains of the transwoman.  It is very physical for me, but when I am in my true mode, I am very, very female, and very happy.  First thing my kids noticed was how normal it looked and felt with me, how happy I was, and that I looked pretty.

I am always female under the costume so to speak, which I wear well.  I try not to worry about it.  But I am deeply distressed if I am forced to wear male undergarments or cut my nails, which I think is abuse, and the thought of having a male body for me is something I can't even stand.  Even to cut hormones short for SRS is something I dont think I could handle.

A good therapist is paramount.  The loneliness of feeling different bites, hard, and there are the blended folks here to support.  I sometimes feel wierd that I can so easily take on the so called male stealth role and do it comfortably, while others cannot, but its just the way I was built.  And I'll keep the therapist because I know that can change.  Flipping through multiple ones begs the question "is it that I don't want to hear what they see".  Thats a hard question.  You have to trust them, and they have to be worthy of your trust.

I am attracted to my wife still.  That's more orientation as opposed to gender identity. Its not male or female, I don't think.  Its just me.  And I am 100% girl on the sex drive front.

Therapy for me challenges the way I think, validates, questions, heals, got me my letter.  I always come prepared with notes about what I want to explore, how to relieve stress, meet others needs, meet mine, reclaim the good things of the past and not just focus on the abuse.

Hope it helps here.  The board is about helping people and not being so alone.  I think being TS is kinda rough some times.  And I think those living full time are very courageous folks and I admire them. 

In time, I may go outside the door and be pretty, let them see me as "Joy".  Full societal transition thats my name.   But not now.   Too much to lose.  They will see what I let them see, no more, I am tired of abuse and can't take more psychological damage from those who are clueless.

So I question - what is male?  Doing stuff male, or identity?  My identity is not male.  I just like horsepower and stuff.

Hope this clarifies last post, its a little long here.  I worry about anyone not getting the help they need from therapy.  This dysphoria is way too powerful to screw around with.  Not yelling here, just being concerned.

QuoteI worry about anyone not getting the help they need from therapy

please don't, not everyone need therapy.

Btw to anyone, please don't think I'm broken or disintegrated, lol.
Its been quite interesting to see various response, some people are cool, supportive while some people think I need some serious help 
Its okay with identifying as male inside.

Quote from: bingunginter on February 16, 2014, 11:52:42 AM
please don't, not everyone need therapy.

Btw to anyone, please don't think I'm broken or disintegrated, lol.
Its been quite interesting to see various response, some people are cool, supportive while some people think I need some serious help 
Its okay with identifying as male inside.

this is true . whatever helps you live your life in as much happiness is your decision. I think the concern here is your not happy with your predicament of trying to be as feminine on the out side as you can ,but your limited in the satisfaction of that by your totally male psyche. Your say no matter how much you feminize your not achieving satisfaction to compensate for your male ego dominance. I don't know I'm not a doctor but that seems like one hell of a conflict.

Quotethis is true . whatever helps you live your life in as much happiness is your decision. I think the concern here is your not happy with your predicament of trying to be as feminine on the out side as you can ,but your limited in the satisfaction of that by your totally male psyche. Your say no matter how much you feminize your not achieving satisfaction to compensate for your male ego dominance. I don't know I'm not a doctor but that seems like one hell of a conflict.

Of course, if I can choose, I will want to be just normal cismale, or normal ciswoman and not having to deal with this conflict. I will chose that randomly, doesn't matter what direction. 
I loled at the phrase "male ego dominance", seems like my male identity is something very bad.

Quotehow You were able to preserve strong core male identity while being on the HRT?

You mean how my personality, my way of thinking, mental stay the same? I don't know.

QuoteSo, maybe, You have changed, but those changes have not had chance yet to manifest themselves

? I'm not sure what do you mean.

I dont see my self as male or female.. i describe my self as ->-bleeped-<-, but that seems to upset some, but for me its the best description that comes to mind.

Hmm, I am not sure I see the big deal here.. OP- you sound like a happy individual and like you know what you are doing.. Though I would like to know what your definition of being male on the inside consists of.. Same for you ladies who say that you shifted from male to female in your way of thinking. I guess my experience with my significant other has been more closely related to the OP. My gf has been on hormone for around 1 year now, however the only thing that has changed is her appearance. She is quite happy and at ease now, knowing that she has the icky t out of her body. She seems to have no care in the world when she will go full-time or if the hormones will have increasing effects. She is just incredibly happy now. She has all the same interests and everything, same person she has always been. She does plan on ffs and srs one day, after she finishes with college, however she is not in a rush.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've seen no shift in the way she behaves or thinks. She is my same ol' booboo. I would not call her personality masculine or feminine, she is herself. I don't understand how to identify a personality as masculine or feminine. I know dominant or submissive.. but again, I don't associate those with gender. I mean, heck, I don't even consider myself to have fem or masc thinking. I used to try to define the way I feel, I felt like I needed some sort of label to describe how I felt, but I've found I'm much happier just being me, with no labels. I'm a human being, I don't want to be categorized like that. Idk.

I guess if someone could explain to me how the inner part undergoes changes, I would be quite grateful. I really want to understand, perhaps I'm not capable, but I'd still like to try.

Actually, I think you explained it quite well. Semantics can be a pain.

How would I know if I feel authentically female? I am not a cis woman.

I am me, on the inside and what I present to others is what they see. I do not get too hung up on it.

My self image does seem to be transitioning along with me as I am more and more often transitioning or post transition in my dreams.

The hormonal cycles of biweekly shots and the lack of T have impacted my mind, I really can not remember what it was like inside my head before transition... 3 months is not THAT long, but it is long enough. Spend three months in solitary confinement, you will change. Move to a new city for three months, you will change. Switch your hormones for three months, you will change.

But does that mean I have a female brain now? I have no clue. I would not fault someone for saying I do and I wouldn't fault them for saying I don't.

As confusing as this thread already is, I figured I would add to the murk.

Quote from: bingunginter on February 15, 2014, 08:26:48 AM
Anybody here still identify as male inside ? I've been really only mostly interested in the physical transition aspect of it. I want to be as female as attractive as I can on the outside. After transition, hrt, surgery, etc except srs, my mental and psychological doesn't change. So more accurately I think the best way to describe me is male on the inside, female on the outside. I do not hate my maleness either.

Yours is an issue many of our non-binary members deal with on a daily basis.

Quote from: muffinpants on February 16, 2014, 04:22:34 PM
Hmm, I am not sure I see the big deal here.. OP- you sound like a happy individual and like you know what you are doing.. Though I would like to know what your definition of being male on the inside consists of.. Same for you ladies who say that you shifted from male to female in your way of thinking. I guess my experience with my significant other has been more closely related to the OP. My gf has been on hormone for around 1 year now, however the only thing that has changed is her appearance. She is quite happy and at ease now, knowing that she has the icky t out of her body. She seems to have no care in the world when she will go full-time or if the hormones will have increasing effects. She is just incredibly happy now. She has all the same interests and everything, same person she has always been. She does plan on ffs and srs one day, after she finishes with college, however she is not in a rush.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've seen no shift in the way she behaves or thinks. She is my same ol' booboo. I would not call her personality masculine or feminine, she is herself. I don't understand how to identify a personality as masculine or feminine. I know dominant or submissive.. but again, I don't associate those with gender. I mean, heck, I don't even consider myself to have fem or masc thinking. I used to try to define the way I feel, I felt like I needed some sort of label to describe how I felt, but I've found I'm much happier just being me, with no labels. I'm a human being, I don't want to be categorized like that. Idk.

I guess if someone could explain to me how the inner part undergoes changes, I would be quite grateful. I really want to understand, perhaps I'm not capable, but I'd still like to try.

I'll try to explain what happened to me . Before I started HRT I was living in depression for a very long time to the point I thought that was normal. Once I start the mental change came pretty fast . The cloud over my future wasn't there any more. Mentally I've always experienced my environment in a way that seemed far more comfortable viewing it in away that seemed to be opposite of how guys seem to view things .  I don't know if my mind perceives in a more feminine way are not ,but I know I can't relate to a guys way to look at things. The HRT has made me feel a femininity that I've never been able to feel before it's incredibly deep with in my being and quite wonderful. I can feel the estrogen flow within me. I have a sense of being more closely affiliated to sense of femaleness. MY body is feminizing quite well and feels different from the masculine feel of the body. I feel less  fear of being less male.     

QuoteI guess if someone could explain to me how the inner part undergoes changes, I would be quite grateful. I really want to understand, perhaps I'm not capable, but I'd still like to try.

While I define the inner in terms of personality, way of thinking, behavior, etc. All those you can't see. Some people define it way beyond that, it can goes into spirituality territory.
Some analogy:
Me as an rationalist/non-spiritual/non-religious person won't understand what my friend means when he said he is touched by god or his heart is filled with god. I wouldn't try to argue with that, I'll just asking for trouble if I did that. He probably too can't understand how I can live without god.

Quote from: Catherine Sarah on February 15, 2014, 10:30:50 PM
Hi Allyda,
Congratulations on your tenacity to fulfil your dreams. I totally get you, I came from the same camp. I wish you every success, in abundance, for that unity and congruency of mind, body, soul and spirit. It IS everything you've ever wished for ....... and more.

I'll be thinking of you until you finally arrive. You'll love it!!!!

Huggs
Catherine

Thank you Catherine for those kind, lovely words. It feels so wonderful when people understand Me, as I'm not difficult to pinpoint. I'm just a girl with a few physical defects that are being resolved. Your words were very much appreciated.

I also thank you for the explanation on where the OP is coming from. I think I get it a little better now. Again, thanks.
Ally

Hi Muffinpants,

Quote from: muffinpants on February 16, 2014, 04:22:34 PM
I guess if someone could explain to me how the inner part undergoes changes, I would be quite grateful. I really want to understand, perhaps I'm not capable, but I'd still like to try.

You may find these two books helpful. The Female Brain & The Male Brain by Dr.Louana Brizendine. If you follow the ageing process from pre-puberty to pre-menopausal in the female brain, you may get an understanding of the effects of HT on you.

Huggs
Catherine

This is the most complicated thread I've seen, but I am a newbie.  I wonder if the concern is "are there conflicts with the plan that will sink it".  All I know, simplistically, is I needed a whole lot of help to be able to accept myself, to understand my needs.  I think anyone that is not conflicted has been blessed.  I am no longer conflicted, I am at peace with the choices I made and the lifestyle I live.

I appreciate the thread it has validated my own course of action and raised a lot of interesting questions.  It's going to be interesting personally to see what the long term effects of HRT will be on me.  Like most of us, I am miserable without Estrogen, and happy on it.  And the difference seeing my body beginning to conform to my perception of it is huge.  I feel the shift on HRT, and it is not concerning, it is affirming.  But its subtle.

There are a lot of folk on this thread that I consider to be heavy hitters and hold in high respect.  I appreciate being able to listen in, and to participate.

yes , this thread totally confuses me. I've dealt with this issue in my mind since 4 years old. through the  years I've constantly  strove  to develop my personality along the terms of what I perceived was a proper way to look a life. It turns out that I was constantly striving to not have what I kept perceiving as a male ego. I may or may not think in a female way I'll never  know, but that doesn't prevent me from trying to not think as a male. I'm confused by this thread because the more I evolve physically with the hormones the more my physical reality appears to be feminizing and the better my mental reality becomes and adjusts to the process of finally becoming that woman I've wanted to experience since 4. I look in the mirror and thank god I can actually experience the female. I would totally be at a loss if it was that the more I tried in every way to physically present as female and all that effort was cancelled by the fact that my mind wouldn't accept the change . This would be devastating to me . There's absolutely nothing wrong with what ever person you are mentally but as would be the case with me that after all the pain I've gone through in my life to be as complete a woman as allowed I ended up feeling incapable of  sensing some unity of mind and body I would most likely going insane. Of course if I chose to be this way as a fully physically appearing woman with a totally male ego , that's really my choice and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It just where's it's not a choice and your suffering from the condition then there's absolutely nothing wrong with getting professional advice.

I think I have a limited understanding of GID and a deep understanding of me.  The amazing thing for me is that I was able to get the full comfort of the hormones, seeing the physical changes, and in my particular case not having to suppress anything.  That repression came close to taking me out last year.  I feel different from some in the forum here, yet the same- as for some reason I am quite comfortable stealth.  I also do not shed the inner female body or nature - its just there, all the time,  and it is a very physical experience for me.  Its like being a woman wearing pants and doing a physical job.  Doesn't make me any less woman to do these things, aggressively if need be, because I am very comfortable with that female identity.  It isn't something that I work for, its just something that is.  In my case, I believe I first transitioned in the womb on DES.   Makes it totally natural.  And I dont get read as transgender at work - yet.

Everything for me was getting comfortable in my own skin and self acceptance without trying to turn off my feelings both physical and emotional.  Once I was able to do that, the experience changed.

But again, I am not trying to pass, its too much for me to try to handle.  Comes at too high a price.

If I was, believe me I'd be working my butt off making sure I was the other definition of stealth, the perfect passing transwoman regardless of whatever male patterns might be interfering.  Actually I dont' want to work my butt off.  I like my butt now.

I look in the mirror and thank God a lot.  Quite the gift to transition out of the pain.

So for me gender identity is an inside thing, not necessarily an external presentation.  On the other hand, my greatest ease and pleasure are those times when I enjoy the full preop transition, and see the complete woman in the mirror.

But the other end of the spectrum at work doesn''t bother me as long as I'm still in the right undergarments and keep the nails, since I have a strong sense of who I am.

I probably sound nuts.  I want to function in both worlds, in both presentations, with the same core, which is physically mtf female.

Again there's no judging or even recommending, its just an exploration of where I'm at in case anyone else can gain from it.  I gain from everyone else all the time.

My dysphoria can take me out mentally in a heartbeat- through fear usually.  I have never hit anything so powerful in my life.  All I want is for others to learn how to live with theirs without pain.  It took me 55 years to get here and was worth the trip.

Blessings to all... enjoy

"I would totally be at a loss if it was that the more I tried in every way to physically present as female and all that effort was cancelled by the fact that my mind wouldn't accept the change ."

What a painful thought.  That would be awful.  I have had the dysphoria very young, knew something was different, it goes back to earliest memories, to the cradle maybe.  Its the "why" of not accepting that probably needs deep understanding.  Mine was on religious grounds, and this is not the thread for that, but I finally found a way of accepting there too, on physical grounds.  If there was a conflict between what I see and what I feel fully transitioned that would be frustrating and awful.  Personally, my only discomfort is that thing down there, and I can ignore it for my wife's sake.   I think I'm beautiful full transition.  I think we all are.

The mind has a tendency to find the one thing that bugs it and dwell on that rather than the 99% thats wonderful.  I like your pic.  Hang in there.  Enjoy your gains and the life you have earned.