*sigh* Is my sis right or not? :(

[Shana-chan]

Ok, so, my sis knows and accepts that I'm male to female, she still loves me and all, has even called me her sister at times but, a while back, I had to make a return trip to her house to return something she'd forgotten, well, she had a friend visiting at that point (When I left she didn't) and when she introduced me to her friend, that I'd not met (Haven't met any of her friends actually till that day), she introduced me as her "brother." I was hurt and speechless, I said hi to her friend, put down the thing she'd forgotten and said, call me in a serious tone I think and then left her house, wishing she hadn't done that to me, then wishing she hadn't forgotten her stupid stuff! >_< Naturally I was hurt and my day was ruined thanks to that one little sentence/introduction.

When I finally talked to her and told her how she had hurt me and how she should tell all her friends about me in who I really am, she said she wasn't going too because she doesn't get to spend much time with then and I'd probably never meet them anyway. (In other words she's going to KEEP telling any new friends she makes that I'm her brother...) I told her if I ever saw a friend of hers and especially if she ever did that to me again I'd immediately tell them the truth. She said I was in the wrong and I was going to far by crossing the line but I say she's in the wrong and is crossing the line. How can she do this to me? How can she stand there and introduce me as her brother while I am out there full time as myself!? (Yes I was wearing female clothing but it was clothing that could be perceived as either gender clothing as in pants, shirt, not dress/skirt) I just don't even know what to say to her on this matter? Any advice on how I can get through to her that what she's doing to me is wrong, or am I in the wrong here?

[androgynouspainter26]

No, you're not in the wrong here.  By refusing to treat you as the gender you identify as, she's dismissing that identity, and that's not right.  If she does that again, you'd absolutely have every right to correct her, no matter who was there to witness it.  Simple as that-best of luck though, I know first hand how tricky the sibling situation can be.

[Colleen♡Callie]

I think if you were presenting fully as yourself she should have introduced you as her sister.  At the very simplest, it's a bit more confusing for the friend to be seeing someone presenting female and be told she's her friend's "brother."

One question though, how long ago did you come out to your sister?  If it was a while ago, when you still weren't full time, then this might not apply.  But if it was more recently this might be the case:  I came out to my mom recently and I could tell she had a lot to process but was otherwise accepting.  Except she doesn't want me to tell our extended family yet.  She understood when I said I have to tell my sister soon, but still requested I hold off for a little.  Both requests I am respecting.  When I mentioned this to my therapist, she pointed out that typically when parents are understanding and accepting but request holding off telling the rest of the family, it tends to me they are genuinely accepting but still coming to terms with it and holding off is their way of giving themselves time to come to terms and adjust. 

It is sometimes hard for us to fathom how much time and energy it takes our loved ones to come to terms.  We ourselves have had years and years, sometimes full lifetimes of struggle to come to terms with who we are, to adjust, and accept and prepare ourselves to move forward on our journey to our true selves.  Often times we come out after we've reached that point.  Our family however starts that journey themselves only when we come out to them, and it can be long process for them as well.

Perhaps with your sister it was something like that?  Either way, I would not say your sister was right, but if you came out to her somewhat recently then she might still be coming to terms herself, and while not right, a little lenience might go a long way. 

If its been a long while and she's had plenty of time to come to terms, then I don't think it's that.  And maybe sitting down with her again, and having a long calm talk with her.  Reexplaining that this is who you are, and by introducing you as her "brother" she's turning her back on you and denying you, whether she intended to or not, and hurting you without reason or need.

[LordKAT]

I'm not sure what media would help, but perhaps if your sister read some others stories and heard of how badly you could be physically harmed by her words, maybe she will re think her words. You could refuse to see her anymore, but maybe try another approach first and let her know that not being around her may be the only way for you to deal with this pain, at least for now.


I avoid certain family for those very reasons.

[JulieC.]

You are not wrong.  I would again ask your sister to introduce you as her sister.  Tell her how important it is to you and give her some time to think about it.  Then wait and see how she introduces you the next time.  She may surprise you.  But if she introduces you as her brother again then correct her right then.

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

My sister does this to me too. She does it to her kids too as 'it will be confusing for them'. Wha? I look female, others address me as female and you address me as male and that's *not* confusing for them? Wha? :-/

[Shana-chan]

I need to explain a bit more to know if I'm wrong or she's wrong.

My sis has known about who I really am for over a year now since I came out to her, she even suspected something was up years ago but didn't ask me. In terms of me being myself fully out in public, that only happened about a month prior to this incident and I can't recall if she was made aware of that or not but even so, I "think" she knew since I was going shopping with her for female shoes that day to wear out doors. Also, my sis has her own life and I mine, we talk a few times (maybe about 10 or so) a month, via phone and email but we also get to see each other on holidays and on none holidays maybe once every 2-3 months. My sis from what she told me doesn't get to see her friends too often except at work, and this isn't something you can quote on quote "talk about" at work. (Kind of like how you aren't supposed to talk about gay issues at work) As a result, what she told me is she hardly sees her friends except at work and when she does she doesn't want to bring this up with them when she or they visit each other. Also, when she introduced me as her "brother", she had already told her friends she had a brother (I assume even told them my name) so looking at it from her point of view she was put on the spot if she'd said this is my sis and I am "assuming" when she said this is my brother it was a reaction she had and didn't think before she spoke. (Because that was normal for her)

So, am I wrong or is she wrong? Also, I REALLY want to bring this up with her again, when I brought it up with her last time it didn't go over too well... So how do I bring it up without her getting annoyed, mad, offended, defensive etc.?

[Colleen♡Callie]

It doesn't sound like it fits perfectly in black and white to me.  I don't thinks she was right, at all.    Since you were presenting as your true female self, whether or not she was trying to avoid discussing the subject with her friends, she's going to have to.  She introduced you, while presenting yourself as your true self, as her "brother."  Which will raise questions.  The friend might not have asked those at the time to be polite, but I'm pretty sure that she has questions now and will ask your sister about the gap in how you were presenting and how you were introduced. 

So sitting down and having a thorough and calm discussion with your sister is still my top suggestion.

Like I said though, it don't think it is so black and white.  While she's known for a year and had time to come to terms with it, it's only been a month since you started going full time, which is another stepping stone for both you and those around you.  She may have been content in believing she could hold off on what she may see as an awkward discussion with her friends, especially if a friend or two turn out to be less than accepting, she might fear having to cut ties with them to stand by you.  That might have been something she feared and was putting off. 

And now you're full time, and she has to take some time to adjust to that and come to terms with the fact her previous mindset of "I don't need to tell my friends yet" no longer applies.  I think you should be lenient on her for now, and let her adjust. 

You were not in the wrong at all.  And She wasn't right.  But I wouldn't go so far as saying she was wrong either.  She might be hesitant to face an awkward situation that could result in her having to cut ties with some of her friends, so be lenient with her. 

As for bring it up, start with expressing that you do understand where she might be coming from.  That it you realize it is not an easy situation for her either, and that you realize how scary it can be to explain it to her friends.  Especially if they might not be as accepting of you as they should be.  Be calm, and considerate, and understanding of her side of things.  This will stop her from feeling the need to defend herself or feeling offended.  If you make a point of showing her you are considering her side in this, and don't see it or her as being deliberately hurtful in any way, will go a long way. 

But be firm too.  Explain that it is hurtful, and how much it hurts you, and that you aren't her "brother" you are her sister.  Explain that it's not a phase, and this is happening, and whether she likes it or not, she's going to have to explain things to her friends.  After all, why someone introduced as her "brother" is appearing and dressing female is going to need to be addressed at some point to her friends.  She's not avoiding that by calling you her "brother" and that by showing her friends that she is accepting and sees nothing wrong with her sister, by introducing you as such, would actually make that inevitable conversation with her friends easier.  They will pick up on your sister's attitude and acceptance and go with that.  Where as, introducing you as her "brother" and then having that conversation brings up further questions of why then she introduced you as her "brother", as opposed to her sister, and prolong the conversation as they try to understand what is what.

Explain to her that she is your sister, and you love her and she is important to you.  That you don't want anything getting in the way of the relationship you to have, and you hope she can understand your feelings and why this is so important to you and how much it would mean to you to know she's in your corner and accepts you for you in all situations. 

And good luck.  I hope it all works out with you and your sister.

[Shana-chan]

Well, guess I need to try clearing up the "other" confusion here too. lol As I said in the OP post, I was wearing clothing that can be taken as either male or female clothing. As in shirt pants, no dress or skirt. To add to that however, I wasn't wearing make up at the time either and I doubt I had on nail polish either (But then again some guys DO wear nail polish) further more, my appearance can be taken as either male or female, till I speak then depending on the person, along with what I'm wearing/carrying with me/introductions done, they can think male or female but the voice still leans toward male (Sadly) so add all that to the fact that she'd already introduced me as her brother, well, I guarantee you even if the friend thought my reaction was a little strange she didn't ask nor will ask questions because what she thinks is I'm "male" when the truth is different. I mean, why would her "friend" (my sis) lie to her after all? The answer is, her "friend" (Again my sis) has no reason to lie to her and I highly doubt she thought anything of the situation that happened there so no reason to ask questions when she has no reason to think my sis lied to her. 

So, no, questions won't be asked nor would it look "odd" for her to introduce me as her "brother" to someone in a situation such as that one.

[Colleen♡Callie]

Got you.  I misunderstood I guess.

However, aside from my mistake about the confusion causing her friend to ask her, I think everything else I suggested still works.  And as you go about your transitioning, and work on your voice, you'll appear more and more female.  There is also the possibility a meeting a friend of hers later while dressed in more feminine clothing, which will cause that confusion if she still introduces you as her "brother."  That may be a point to bring up to her, that it's possible introducing you as such will cause more confusion and require her to explain things to her friends in the future anyway.

Still, I feel the best course of action is to sit down and talk with her, opening up with that you understand that she's adjusting, addressing the fact she might be afraid of how her friends might react and the spot that would put her in, and most of all that you know she wasn't intentionally trying to hurt you, remaining calm and considerate.  Then addressing your side of this and how it felt when she didn't introduce you properly as her sister, and how much it'd mean to you that she respect you enough to introduce you as her sister in the future.

Communication and a little bit of leniency here is key I feel.  But even with your dress being where it could be either male or female, you are not wrong for being upset or hurt that she didn't introduce you as her sister, and while it is helpful to see and understand where she might be coming from (and addressing that when you speak to her so she's not feeling attacked), ultimately she is not right in not respecting your true identity.  This still is something that I don't see as black and white, right or wrong, only, and as such I don't feel comfortable stating absolutely that she is wrong, even though I can say she definitely isn't right.  It would be advisable I think if you also don't go into the discussion seeing her as in the wrong, but rather acknowledge her reasons understandingly and calmly before you counter them.

[Rachel]

Wong or right the effect is you are hurt and the experience shows your sister is having a difficult time publicly acknowledging you. What in the future will change her behavior and how do you get there?

From what you wrote it appears you sister feels more comfortable mis-gendering you the correctly gendering you. Why and how can she get over her fears or perceived loss?

To answer you question, your sister is wrong in mis-gendering you if you told her to gender you female in public. If you did not ask to be identified female then perhaps she is confused as what is your wishes. 

[Pia Bianca]

she had already told her friends she had a brother (I assume even told them my name)

I'd say that's the problem. She shouldn't have told them so in the first place. Given that she already told them she had a brother, she had to "stick with that story". You got hurt and things went worse.

I'd suggest to ask her to stop telling people she has a brother and speak of a sister instead. This way she will never get into such a situation again and everything is solved.

There's still some friends to deal with which she already told she has a brother, though.

And just a little side note on the "who's right" question: There's no answer as this isn't the right question. The right question would be "how to prevent that from happening again?" It hurts you and therefore shouldn't happen again regardless of "who's right".

[Shana-chan]

I'd say that's the problem. She shouldn't have told them so in the first place. Given that she already told them she had a brother, she had to "stick with that story". You got hurt and things went worse.

I'd suggest to ask her to stop telling people she has a brother and speak of a sister instead. This way she will never get into such a situation again and everything is solved.

That is the problem though. Before I came out to her she'd already told people she had a brother. When I came out is when the situation changed however, the fact remains if she tells one friend or one person then she has to tell them all. It's not like she can sit there, tell one she has a brother but then tell another she has a sister and keep it a secret from the rest while introducing me as her sister to everyone else she meets. See the problem? It's hard enough for me to tell people, I can't imagine how hard it is for her and she has to tell EVERYONE who she'd previously told the truth? I don't think she has the guts to do it at this point in time and who knows "when" she will, if ever. So further reason why I have NO IDEA what to say to her to get her to tell her friends/acquaintances. Honestly, this world is too complicated at times. lol

[Felix]

I struggle with this too. Whether people introduce a transperson correctly seems to have very little to do with whether they're full-time, how well they are read as their target gender, etc, and way too much to do with others' discomfort and hangups and opinions.

I think your sister should respect the pronouns you request (and that are accurate, seriously) whether she is speaking to you or speaking with people who barely know you. It is such a simple thing to comply with and such an important part of basic decency. I understand it isn't always easy, but that is not an acceptable excuse.

[Jessika Lin]

...When I finally talked to her and told her how she had hurt me and how she should tell all her friends about me in who I really am, she said she wasn't going too because she doesn't get to spend much time with then and I'd probably never meet them anyway. (In other words she's going to KEEP telling any new friends she makes that I'm her brother...)

My opinion, she's wrong, end of story. Why is she wrong? ^That's why. She knows what pronouns you want her to use and flatly refuses. That's not just wrong it's flat out mean.