All;
This is an amazing thread and explains so much to me. When I was about 38, my mother told me that the when she was pregnant with me, because of how she was not well overall (this was 1950-51 with food rationing still underway and with my mother in Germany with the occupation forces), she had been put on a treatment which I now believe was DES to try to ensure there was no miscarriages.
Over the years as I grew up from an early Age (in my case about 6) I always thought that I was a girl. Of course my parents never understood this and I went through awful periods including phyciatrist's, Electric Shock Therapy to cure me of this strange affliction and so much that I remember at about 14 that the way to survive was to become an Alpha male and bury what I now understand to be Gender dysphoria deep down in my psyche.
I then ended up with a number of relationships with a many women including two marriages and two other long term partnerships with women and whilst many ended up with separation and or divorce it all came down all too frequently to inability to function as a male and in a number of cases separation came about because I admitted to them being TS pleading to stay together.
Although I first transitioned in the 80s and lived full time as a woman for nearly 18 months and was on HRT, in those days no one organised blood tests. Then I ended up moving to Australia and was on HRT for another 6 months, but the longer I was on HRT the more my dysphoria left me. I had virtually no libido and the urge to dress as female basically left me. I slowly slipped back into my male self.
Although underlying it all was this bubbling undercurrent of dissatisfaction with my lot. I overcompensated all the time being seen as passionate about my work and other activities. The years slipped by for me.
A year ago other events triggered my dysphoria again, with an urgent need to transition. I already had my first letter and notes from Charing Cross and diagnosis as Transgender, found my way to
Susans.Org and I presented fully as a woman for my first sessions with my Transgender GP and Therapist (after recommendations from Cindy and others of who to see) and after blood tests was found to have very very low T levels, in fact only just above natal female levels. T2.8, my endocrinologist put me back on Provera
Now after a year on only E, (dosage doubled twice) my T levels are almost non existent less than 0.5, I am progressively becoming more feminized, beautiful skin, rounded bottom , hips and B Cup breasts, hair is growing on my bald spot and body hair is diminishing. Male trousers no longer fit - I have split two pairs already (the hips, thighs and bottom are too big, so I now just wear women's jeans) I am also frequently out and about socialising as Judith and I am rarely read as I have no Adams Apple, very small hands and feet and with nails and toenails varnished and being well made up and conservatively dressed ( I had a colour analysis done a few years ago to help me with my dress colours) , so I generally pass very well. It helps that that I have a good voice range too, but over the last few months as I have become more feminine in appearance my dysphoria has started to dissipate with no longer the urge to fully transition.
So I back in limbo again!
So I have just read Ann Vitale's artyicle and I reckon this sums me up completely.
So not sure where that leaves me.
One thing though is that E leaves me feeling very calm and contented, vulnerable, maternal, feminine and now seemingly attracted to both men and women, but I seem to swing from wanting to be the female in a relationship with a man to be cared for and looked after to being this "middle" person neither female, nor male, where the urgency has gone. Sort of like Padma explained it to me.
Hugs
