So here I am at 7 months HRT, and I'm not quite sure what to think. I'm still part time, but i do get out quite a bit at the weekends.
I feel like I've been treading water for the last two months. Subtle changes, yes. Long looks from people I haven't seen for while, yes. Loss of muscle mass and fat gain on the hips, some. Male fail, dream on.
I worry about how much HRT is going to do for me and whether it will be enough to satisfy me. My body and my face have definitely become less masculine as the weeks pass, but paradoxically I seem to pass less than I did at 4 months and to be honest this is kind of giving me the jitters. It's like I knew I couldn't pass without hormones, but now I've got them the stakes seem sort of higher. That said, there is no way back and I'm doing what I can to keep things moving.
So anyway, here's where I am just now (numbers are at 10 weeks, 4 months and 7 months HRT).
Self-acceptance 90%→90% →90%There is still a deep-rooted shame at being this way, but for the most part I've accepted what I am.
Coming out 5% → 30%→50%I came out to my brother and sister and they've been positive and accepting if a bit puzzled. Neither saw it coming, and my brother has come back with a few emails looking for the 'causes' in our shared childhood experience. I'm giving him the explanations that it is not, as I think he deserves in his effort to make the adjustment.
In two weeks I go home to tell my mom. This is the biggie. I'm confident that I won't be disowned, but I'm sure she'll struggle to understand. Kelpie Maloney plastered all over the TV and newspapers will have given her something on which to form an opinion. Let's hope it's not a negative one.
Hair removal 30% → 40%→60%I bit the bullet and gave up the Tria on my face for professional laser. The effects are immediate, and the islands of dark skin that no concealer could ever hide are gone after two sessions. I wish I had started earlier: How many times have I read that from others? But I guess when you're initially out but still tied up with closeted feelings the home hair removal route is an appealing one, and I guess it's just another station on the road to greater self acceptance.
Electrolysis for the white hairs is in my future.
Voice training 15% → 75%→75%This is still working, and my intonation is improving too. Even in male mode my voice has got softer. It lasts a whole evening talking over dinner and drinks too.
Socialisation as a female? →? →?I'm getting the hang of things that cis women do without thinking, and I don't think anything that I do or say is jarringly wrong. Women smile, and men look at my tits and then have no interest beyond that, and though I'm not interested in men anyway it's still kind of disappointing to be so unattractive lol. Other than that I don't really know. The only women I ever really talk to are my friends who obviously know that I'm transgendered and treat me as a woman. I'd love to meet and talk with people who don't know my past and see how I relate to them. I hope that begins to happen as I need that kind of feedback.
Hormone changes ? →? →?As I mentioned above, my face changed. My square jaw has got thinner and my cheeks have taken on fat. Without losing any weight my bust is bigger, my band is smaller, my waist is narrower and my arms and neck thinner. At seven months these aren't bad changes, but 'how slow they are, how much time they waste refusing to make haste' lol.
I'm white and 6'2" and I live in Asia. In guy mode I stand out like a sore thumb and people stare a lot. As a woman I stand out even more, even in jeans and a t-shirt, and people stare and stare. I find this quite unnerving, and of course I come to the conclusion that I'm being read whether that's the case or not. I wish I knew which it was. This isn't going to go away so I need to get past this. All I want is to blend in and have a quiet life. If I knew I was just 'unusually sized' to people I could just get on with my quiet life, and I'm interested to see how much I can do that when I come back to the UK next month. If I don't then I'll know that it's not my unusualness that's getting me the stares.
Emotionally I like myself much more. I'm more connected with the world and with other people, like a veil that always stood between me and everything has been pulled aside and I can see the colours and the patterns that I couldn't make out before. I like this very much. Also, and whether this is as a result of hormone levels not being constant with IM, I can get be a bit teary at times. The other night I was listening to some music and it just set me off crying, and I was still crying 3 hours later at 2 in the morning, pretty much without reason. But wow did I feel good the next day, like I'd washed all the bad stuff away. My girlfriend does this sometimes and I always used to ask her what the matter was and she'd say nothing and I could never understand. Now I think I do.
Hair 20% →30% →40%With professional laser my facial hair is significantly reduced. The Tria is still doing good things for body hair, and I don't need to shave as often as I used to to keep it under control.
The hair on my head is still coming back slowly. In another six months I hope to have enough going on to make a decent stab at a workable feminine hairstyle. In the meantime it's wigs, and if it's still wigs in the future then that will be good enough.
Wardrobe replacement 50% →70% →30%I've just thrown out a large pile of my male clothes, and I'm accruing more and more women's stuff on shopping trips out on Sunday afternoons. I have a better idea now of what works for me, which is often quite different from what I really want to wear. Never mind. I keep buying the same kind of stuff and I don't know how to break out of this or in what direction. Learning this skill is going to take some time.
Future employment ? →10% →?I'm still yoyo-ing between my plans to transition opinion my current job and finding a new place to work. It kind of depends on how confident I'm feeling, but after 20 years doing the same thing I'd also quite like a change. Whichever it's 18 months down the line, so there's still time to think and plan.
I started this thread as a means of encouraging myself, and yes, it's good to revisit once in a while and remember where I've been. The day to day the progress we make can be hard to see. For those of us who can't just say **** it and go full time it's a long and sometimes dark road, but I am moving forward, and I will get to where I want to be.
Take care, all
