What Abby is raising here is the idea that one of the fundamental binaries of our society, man/woman, is also fundamentally harming our society.
Often when we talk about gender, we talk about a spectrum. Basically that means a line going from "man" on one side to "woman" on the other. Everyone in-between is termed "non-binary." People who don't fit into either of the two standard, normative models. Attached to those concepts of "man" and "woman" are a whole slew of ideas of what they are, ranging from body parts, to ideas and actions, to roles in society, to biological function. It's one of the really, really fundamental divides we acknowledge.
However, over time with the assistance of science, we have slowly discovered that fewer and fewer of the things traditionally associated with one gender or the other has any basis in "nature," but instead is an artificial construct of our society. It has then been argued, and in many cases proven, that these issues have caused harm to individuals within our society. For example, something as simple as the fact that men whose wives earn more than them are more likely to commit suicide. That is evidence of the gender binary doing damage to people. That trying to squish people into these binary models causes a great deal of misery, death, loss and pain. Including for many trans people.
Some people, like Abby, have suggested that doing away with the binary entirely is necessary to move forward. And that any effort to support it's continued existence is problematic. I.e. that simply offering the space in between man and woman for people who don't fit is insufficient. That instead we should see gender as something far more amorphous and non-linear. Some have suggested seeing it as a galaxy of points, with each person making a unique decision regarding how they prefer to present and be regarded. Others have suggested that the path should be towards minimizing the value of gender entirely--stripping away more and more things that we place into the gender binary. I.e. making clothing non-gendered or encouraging the use of genderless pronouns.
The problem for trans people is that we are frequently forced into an awkward situation where we are pushing out certain pieces of the binary. I.e. we are almost exclusively responsible for the concept that your chromosomes and sex characteristics don't necessarily determine your gender. While at the same time we frequently aggressively uphold other types of binary thinking: in an effort to validate ourselves, to reclaim lost opportunities, to fit in better with our target gender, to be perceived as cis, and other reasons. It is also one of the things that most frequently places us at odds with the concerns of cis LGB folks, many of whom are fighting against the same binary gender issues that we support, while supporting the same binary gender issues that we are fighting.
It is easy to say "I'm just feminine and binary, that's how I am" (or "I'm just masculine and binary, that's how I am"). But that COMES from somewhere. Nobody just likes a thing for no reason. There is ALWAYS a reason. Even if you don't know what it is. And even if you don't know what it is, I bet I can tell you where it comes from. Because it all comes from the same place, from our society, from the binary itself. It is essentially impossible to escape. Even those of us who actively work against the binary, we still exist in relationship to it. It's just that massive and that big a thing in our world. Sexism is an endlessly ongoing battle, the binary is the basis on which sexism exists in the first place. It means fighting how we perceive other people on the most basic level. Being constantly aware of what gendered behaviours you have or opinions you hold, and considering what they mean and how you express yourself.
And even then you WILL get sucked in, even more so because of the added pressure of being trans. And that process of being sucked in, leads quite a few trans people to make decisions against their own self-interest. To choose interventions of their lives and bodies that bring them to harm. Because we, like the binary categories of man/woman, present transition as this boxed package of "all the things you need to do to be better." And anyone who can't achieve it... they hurt for that, on top of any hurts they may already have. The issue isn't so much "what about people who can't transition?" in the sense of "shouldn't we accept them"? It's "what about people who can't transition" in the sense of what our little community of transitioners makes them feel--failures as men or women. Much like many non-binaries force themselves into binary categories to avoid that feeling of failure. Because it is expected, it is normal, it is the "right" way to do things > HRT, wear girl/boy clothes and makeup/no-makeup, change your IDs, live as a man/woman, get surgery, forget you are trans.
And if you fit that pattern? Why do you fit it, nah? Because it is right for you? Or because it is right enough? Or because it is the path of least resistance? Or maybe it is perfect for you, and you love it. Great. But try to remember how many people get mangled in the system that is right for you. The argument here isn't that you SHOULD NOT do those things. I mean, I am pretty close to the living embodiment of that path, and I'm pretty happy with it. And I will fight tooth and nail to let any person do whatever they desire with their life and their body. But you should choose it as an individual, as a personal path. Not as part of a system that hurts other members of our society.
Jen, it doesn't need to be that I am non-binary and you are binary. It might simply be that you chose one path that entailed a certain set of things. And I took a different path that entailed a another set of things. That there is no true dichotomy there. Just people, blundering around trying to find what bits and pieces fit for them.
And that is what, in the end, Abby is pointing at. That the brutal truth is: none of us fit. That is what makes us trans. None of us fit any more or less than any other. We are all the flotsam and jetsam of a broken system, binary or non-binary, post-op or non-op, transitioner or non-transitioner. None of us fit the traditional model for "man" or "woman." Otherwise we wouldn't be here.
Finally, I hope nobody will be offended by my words. It is not my intention, and I apologize sincerely if you are hurt by them. I only wish to maybe suggest you think about it. To keep your eyes and your mind open in this world. To try to protect yourself, even if for no other reason. All my love,
Sarah
