My erlyest memories are of playing dresd up with my sisters, they would do my hair and pick out pretty dresses and I'd look ing the mirror and feel pretty, I'd run around the house to show my mum, and remember her luagthing at me, but not that mocking luagth that adorable luagth, like when a 3 year old uses their food bowl as a hat. My dad though no (hat was don't be so stupid, he berated my sisters sbout it, and didn't see what was wrong. Anyway since then I've felt a need to atleast pretend I didn't like being dressed up.
But this happended less and less as my sisters grew up.
I started stealing clothes on a night to try on, I think I systematically work through all my sister clothes back then before puberty.
But puberty that was the worst, I noticed girls that's for sure, starting to hang to gether in some girls only activaties, I didn't know it was girls only antil I asked can I come. No your a boy, my first real problemb my asignes sex ever gave me. Was never interested in anything the boys were doing.
But systematically over the years iv continuasly been told why can't I be like all the other boys, or to man up, or be a man, and my favourite one of all your "supposed to be man" why is that my favourite, because if your supposed to be somthing it means your not it.
Anyway as things went on I stop trying on my sisters clothes after I made my first mess, but I wasn't going to give those one back, I threw them away.
But when shopping for clothes I'd always with a sence of longing look at what the fem section had to offer. It was all that bad if I didn't see somthing I liked. Every time I looked at the male section it was all just bland boring and drap, and when I did see somthing I liked it was "camp" and I suppose that when assumtons of being gay went around and even if people didn't say it, they definatly thought it. First girl I ever asked out, told me she honestly thought I was gay and that I look a camp for her teastes.
Older I started buying clothes online and wearing them at night and walking around the living room listening to music. I lost a lot of sleep and ended to exspressing in the dayN but that ment having to change to leave my room if my dad was in or to leave the house. It realy gets to you when you realise that you got to change clothes just to make a cup of coffe.
So I started to resent my clothes and for years had an on and of relationship with them, the pain of having to change built up and I'd periodically throw them all out, even cut and tear some of the one I thought I'd resque from the garbage. Each time I got rid of them though it left a larger and larger void in my life. But I'd always but more. The last time I threw them a away I missed an item. I remember finding it and my first thought was to throw it away I stood staring at it for a while, and I couldn't touch it I didn't want to I was scared. I picked it up and started to leave my room heading for the bin and I saw my reflexion only just realising the tears throwing this away ment I'd only buy more, its not going to go away why can't I be... And that was my first aknowledgement I didn't think like all the other boys, I thought why can't I be like all the other girls.
Now though its hard for me, I might seem confident with how talk about my dysphoria at time but, I'm confident its somthing I want to do, but defo not confident I can. Now its ruining my life. Iv never been so comfatable in my body through knowing it will chage, but I'm far less sociable then I was before. Ill want to go out and crumbble. I need to start going out again but its so hard on your own, I need people around me and I'm fine shy and reserved but I can shop and joke, and dine everything, but on my own I'm lucky if I get out of the door, I know I can pass, but its passing to myself. Shadow realy gets me, its the worst thing for me right now.
So self scrutiny. I need to go out more, I know come my therapist apointment ill be their presenting no matter what. Its just sometimes it realy gets me how much face hair gets to me, even more when I nearly always cut myself. So their is more but it seems more like a life story with pieces missing.
