Quote from: sad panda on July 11, 2014, 03:28:41 PM
I sorta worry that I'd just want to transition again, but idk, being trans is not enough for me and I didn't have a big need to transition in the first place, I just sort of wanted to live as a girl and got more stuck that way than I thought about. I would have to get top surgery in the long run but I could bind while seeing if I could still make it work.
I'm not in so different a place. Right now I feel like I'm a robot who just keeps taking hormones cause I dont know what else to do. I mean if I detranstion, my BF will dump me. He'll still be friends, but the relationship will be toast. It's not even a question. it wouldn't work. So part of me feels I keep ding it cause I feel so in love with him. But lately, especially yesterday, I couldnt stand him. We were arguing and usually it's him leaving or telling me to leave or whatver and I just left, walked out and said "see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya..." I didn't care if he called or texted, I wasn't upset, I didn't cry. I din't feel anything, except numbness. But he texted and wanted me to come back so I did and we made up but still, I was glad when he was gone. But then again, long term, that might leave me really undone.
So i feel stuck. I transtioned on a whim basically and always wanted to present totally female and knew I could even without HRT but that the HRT would make it that much easier and me more prettier. But now...IDK. But then sometimes I generally really like the clothes and the fashio and the makeup and how i look now compared to being an androgynous nothing of genderlessness before and now a sometimes really pretty, curvy woman. The thing is no matter what I do Ill never be a "man." I'll never be tall, or big, a good looking in a guy sort a way. At best I used to be called so cute and adorable. Not exactly what guys dream of being referred to as. Ot the best "just too pretty."
So if I stop, my family will love it, but will I? Will I regret it long-term. I'm a little over 30 so it's kinda do or die, or at least felles that way, it really isn't I guess. But it feels like now or never.
What I'm seriously considering doing now is cutting my hair into a fauxhawk, I already look like a lesbian and see lesbians staring at me or giving me second looks all the time, and just really butching it up. But I'm 5'5 and 125 lbs so that only goes so far. BUT I'll keep taking hormones. The thing is I'm already like a 32D, or 32C if I really tighten the tape measure as tight as it can go, so that isn't helping and a sports bra only gets me down to a B cup, where I started.
I really don't know what to do and then I come to this site and just feel totally bullied. I get beat up and street harrassed in the real worl which doesnt help. I just feel like I have no one. I dont think I have ever felt more alone in my entire life. My BF hates talking about trans stuff ans demnded I stop. He does not like being reminded I'm half and half at all and refers to my junk as my cooch. I am starting therapy soon.
Dam, I feel ike I'm totally derailing your thread or making it about me, but am actually just trying to relate cause I follow your posts and feel like we're in a similar, but not the same, boat. Mine's violet and you're is mauve lol
Honestly, since no one has said, I think if you stopped, and I've read a lot of obscure studies about HRT in the California prison system and diverted hormones to femme up 18 year olds, (it happens), and apart from some emotional lability (I looked it up and it means just up and down emotions, which it seems like your experiencing already) there's no horrible halth risks. I totally get not telling your doc, You should, you really should, but I get it. I've been in situations, medical ones, where I was assumed to be a female and just couldnt tell them otherwise and acted like I had a vag and said my periods were regular. It was stupid but I just did it. It was a sudden thing and I wasnt expecting to see a doctor.
I stopped HRt for a couple weeks a couple months ago to do poor financial dicisions and nothing happend. No emtional breakdowns. No nothing. I just started remaculinizing a little, my facial hair growth, which is minimal for someone my age, sped up, and that was it. Hope this helps, fwiw.
