How to figure out what gender you are?

[Yarngeek]

Hi, I've kind of gone back and forth between what gender I am and can never seem to make up my mind. Lately I've been feeling like I might be a woman, but if I am I would have to be a tomboy who likes to dress in drag sometimes and has a rather androgynous expression. All of it seems confusing to me though, and I have a feeling the idea that that's what I am won't last very long.

One thing that I've never been able to explain about myself is that my entire life I have given off a female vibe, despite being biologically male. For a long time I was unable to see it, but now that I look at myself without criticizing my looks, I do see how I look female. And there is almost nothing I can do to appear male, a while back I went to dinner with my mother, and I was wearing a mens dress shirt, a black silk tie, and a fedora with a feather in it. The waiter sits us down and says "What can I get for you two ladies". I could blame this on my hair being somewhat androgynous, but even when my hair was short people couldn't tell what gender I was.

The thing is, this doesn't really present a problem to me. I'm not so sure I actually am a woman in my identity, but that seems much more preferable than being a man. Hearing people describe me as male just sort of grates against me, but I rarely correct anyone, probably because I don't know who I am. I am rather feminine in the way I express myself, but that's only most of the time. I don't have access to many female clothes because my grandmother still does my laundry even though I'm 18. I feel like rather than freak her out with all this, I can just enjoy the time I have with her. She doesn't even understand how it's possible to be a bisexual. I usually dress with as many female accessories as I can over my t-shirts and sweatpants. Most days I'm content with this, but there are days where I feel bad that I don't have any cute clothes. But then on some other days it's quite the opposite. I dress up more like a businessman in the 50s on those days, and if I didn't I would feel uncomfortable.

I don't actually know if my gender changes, but what I've thought it was has changed countless times. All I know is I don't identify much at all with being a man, but not fully as a woman either. My personality is very androgynous, and how I generally feel is very androgynous. When I take tests on how male or how female my brain is, it generally decides male, but just barely at the threshold. I imagine this has more to do with my mental disorders than my actual gender though, because anyone with an extremely logical mind gets rated as male by these kind of tests.

I do know for certain that I don't want to have a male body. Ideally I would be female, but I'm not sure I want it badly enough to justify surgery or hormones, especially if I'm not sure I consider myself female. I'm losing weight and I'm very worried I won't appear as female as I do now once I'm thin. Also as far as pronouns go, I really don't like he, but it's not a big deal. They would be the best, but I'd rather be called a she than a he.

As I've stated before, my idea of what my gender is changes around a lot. I've thought I was a trans woman before, an androgyne, agendered, non-conforming man, and even just given up and decided I didn't need a label. Lately I've been wondering if I could be a more androgynous woman because there's no right way to be a woman. Or maybe I'm genderfluid because I generally really believe that I am the gender I've felt like I am until it suddenly stops making sense, and I need to re-evaluate. At times where my label has been more vague, such as not needing a label, or being genderqueer, I would base what gendered clothing I would wear by what felt like it made sense when I got dressed. Other times I felt a need to keep it to things that matched the gender I figured I was.

So basically what I'm trying to get at, is how do I figure out for sure what gender I am? What do you think?

[suzifrommd]

So basically what I'm trying to get at, is how do I figure out for sure what gender I am? What do you think?

I think it doesn't matter.

I spent a lot of time figuring out my own gender.

I finally came to the conclusion that what was important was how I wanted to live. Did I want to present as a female? If so, what kind of woman did I want to be? Did I want to present as a male? Did I want to try to carve a place for a non-binary presentation in this binary world?

For me, I decided I wanted to present as a woman. This turned out to be a wonderful decision (for me). Am I female? I don't feel like it. Never have, though I have flashes and moments of pure femininity. That doesn't matter. I'm happy how I'm living.

My therapist believes and has told me that there is countless variety among the ways trans* people experience their identities, so putting labels on them can be a fruitless task.

I really hope this helps.

[JulieBlair]

Yarngeek?  That is an interesting name choice.  Are you into amazing textiles? Knitting, Art?  Whatever it is, it sounds pretty cool. 

To your query, I think that Suzi is pretty spot on.  The label is unimportant, how you express it also has little meaning.

That you see yourself as beautiful and lovable is essential. 

I Identify as female, I look more androgynous.
My clothing is usually but not always feminine. 
I am not insulted when I am male gendered. 
I am on full mtf HRT and have been for two years.

I am beautiful and lovable.

The last one is what is new.  Before I came to grips with the fact that I was not and had never been a man.  I was incomplete if most every way.  I found it almost impossible to connect meaningfully with other people and buried myself in work and related mostly to machines.  In many ways I had emotionally died.  Finally in an act of desperation I began to seek who I authentically am.  The search for authenticity was for me a key.  Until I could accept and see myself as who I actually am, I could not grow, I could not love.

I am no longer the husk of humanity that I started out as and there is infinitely more room for my universe to expand.  Once I quit questioning and began doing, the walls of self doubt and fear began to dissolve.  The short answer is you are the gender you choose to be, and that can be fluid.  Find a space on the continuum that works for you and begin to explore it.  I really suggest doing this will a skilled counselor.  They are not emotionally involved in the discovery, and kept me from meandering in circles (at least mostly).  Good Luck

Julie

[Jill F]

I asked myself, "Do I feel male, female, neither, both or a mixture of the two?"  It took a few months to sort it out and explore my true feelings because at first I wasn't so sure.  I had bouts of severe dysphoria that were absolutely debilitating, then times when it wasn't so pronounced and I could carry on as a guy and not think I needed to transition.  When I tried a therapeutic low dose of estrogen, I felt better than I had since I was about 12.  The more I took, the better I felt.  When I had my orchiectomy, I felt the best I ever had in my life. 

Turns out I'm a binary female. 

[Yarngeek]

Hi, I think all of these answers help a lot. I guess it's just been kind of hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that there probably isn't a name for whatever I am. I guess if I try I can view that as a freeing thing rather than as a confusing thing. So many people concern themselves with whether or not what they are doing is gender appropriate, and I suppose I won't have to if I try to think of it as not mattering. Sometimes I do wonder if hormones could take me back to how great I felt as a kid. As soon as puberty started for me is when my life began a downward spiral, which I have since recovered mostly from. To the person who asked, I am involved heavily in the textile arts, I'm a spinner and a freeform crocheter.

[helen2010]

Yarngeek

This takes time to figure out and each person is unique and our objectives and narrative differ. For a long time I was convinced that I was mtf. I eventually realized that I am mtnb. I avoided a train wreck so consider myself to be extremely fortunate.  Keep exploring and you will work out what is best for you

A skilled therapist definitely helps. If you find low dose hrt removes your dysphoria you may or may not stay M, or transition to any other state.

Safe travels

Aisla

[ativan]

I accepted my non-binary mind during a time of great stress that culminated in a stressful situation that left reality behind.
Reality came back and my non-binary thinking was still there, more clear to me than ever, yet the dysphoria remained.
It clouded my thinking about gender at times, I felt alone in my thinking for quite some time, there was the background noise of doubt.
It wasn't until I tried low dose HRT and it lifted.
The anger which was the noise that was constantly in my thinking lifted.
I still get angry, but for a reason instead of simply being irritated.
It's a good question, one that seems to have many answers.
I wondered about mine until I was twenty years old.
It's interesting how we each come to the conclusions we do.
You will to.
Ativan

[EchelonHunt]

For me, it was an accumulation of mistakes, experiences, introspection and unrealistic expectations other people forced on me that helped me reach the self-awareness I have today.

The last six years, I had identified as male (or FTM). I spent four years before that struggling with intense gender dysphoria which bled into the six years of identifying as FTM. Only just this year, after (mostly) recovering from an abusive relationship that ended in early 2013, my identity has changed from male to non-binary. I feel a lot more comfortable in my sense of self but the body dysphoria has worsened now that I know what my dreams and my subconscious state had been trying to tell me all this time.

Upon identifying as non-binary, I recovered a repressed memory I had before I even knew what transgender meant. I went to my GP and begged him for options on having my breasts and female reproductive organs removed. I was told that no surgeon would perform those surgeries on me because I "might regret it and want children someday". Back then, little did I know, I wanted the female physical characteristics gone - I didn't necessarily want to be male. But when I discovered the label transgender and female-to-male, the most logical conclusion I came to was, "If my female parts cause me so much distress, then I must be male." Identifying as male has opened up the opportunities to receive the surgeries that was previously denied which still makes me bitter to this day. Nobody should be robbed of their right to change their body, especially if it is the root cause of their depression and suicidal tendencies.

Of course, this was years before genderqueer identities were included in the standards of care.

[Asche]

I'm (mostly) with Suzi on this one.

I think it [figuring out one's gender] doesn't matter.
...
I finally came to the conclusion that what was important was how I wanted to live. Did I want to present as a female? If so, what kind of woman did I want to be? Did I want to present as a male? Did I want to try to carve a place for a non-binary presentation in this binary world?

One thing is, for me, gender only exists as a way of relating to and present to other people.  When I'm truly alone, I don't have a gender.  Gender only becomes an issue when I go to put on my social mask and I have to decide which mask to force my self into.

For me, I decided I wanted to present as a woman. This turned out to be a wonderful decision (for me). Am I female? I don't feel like it. Never have, though I have flashes and moments of pure femininity. That doesn't matter. I'm happy how I'm living.

I'm glad Suzi has found a way to live that makes her happy.  I'm still thrashing around trying to figure out what fits best, or maybe it's more like what mis-fits the least.  It sounds like you are, too.  It's a really awkward and uncomfortable place to be.

It makes me envy the people who are able to be what they've been told they are and are happy being it.  I don't exactly envy being ISO standard male or ISO standard female, but I envy their ability to be comfortable with who they are both inside and out.

[Yarngeek]

I'm (mostly) with Suzi on this one.One thing is, for me, gender only exists as a way of relating to and present to other people.  When I'm truly alone, I don't have a gender.  Gender only becomes an issue when I go to put on my social mask and I have to decide which mask to force my self into.

I understand this a great deal, when I'm alone in my house I'm perfectly fine just wearing a t-shirt, but when I go out in public I feel the need to make my clothing represent my gender a bit more.

[Taka]

when i go out in public, i like my clothing to represent what i feel like that day. usually not too closely related to gender.
but when i'm at home, i wish i had reattachable penis and boobs. gender really should be something i can take on and off as i choose.
the only times gender matters in my communication with other people, are when i'm trying to talk sense about anything at all to sexist men (i'm glad they're few), or when old pigs approach me who only see boobs, ass, and a perfect fake smile (where did the rest of me go?)
(well, i've also realized there are lots of things that women can say but men can not. the exact same sentence interpreted so differently based on one's perceived gender. ridiculous society.)

but to answer the original question. try them on. it's like finding pants that fit, and the better they make you look (to yourself), the closer you are to the answer. i still haven't found the perfect fit, i just make do with what i have for now.