So tired and weak.

[Jess42]

I've just about reached the end of my rope. I am so tired and don't really care anymore what happens anymore. God the 27 club would have been so nice to join but since I am 19 years past that and it ain't ever gonna' happen. Going out on top, young without getting old and, not in my case though, even a legend. Of course I may have been a legend to those that know me or at least the crazy one anyway that would do crazy crap that I can live with. I done did some crazy stuff and Jim Morrison ain't got nothing on me. Yeah, I have been and still strange and do things and say things other wouldn't dare to say.

I just really honestly know how much more I can take. I can get the GD letter but I am scared. No that ain't the word more like a nothing little chicken ->-bleeped-<- or extreme coward. Yeah, I'm not above being a GD'ed coward. I mean literally terrified. No I don't want to be a man anymore. Actually I hate, and despise being a man or male or anything else that has to do with UGHhh. masculinity. Sorry to all my brothers out there, cause you guys are on you're own path and embrace the masculinity and god bless you guys for that, I abhor it though, the masculinity, If my brothers embrace it, God bless them.

I need to hear some truth from the people I respect and love the most. No smite will be given and maybe I need a little tough love to push me a little more. I will not get offended, I even called my own self a coward and chicken ->-bleeped-<- so I definitely wont get mad and give smites over what I need  to hear. Even if its not what I want to hear. I think I know but please someone push me over the cliff. Please some one shove me to kick start all this stuff and put me on the right track.

[helen2010]

Jess

Not sure if I qualify as someone you may respect, but your posts define a person that I respect and that I care about.

First I can't and won't push you over the edge with the truth, because:

-  my truth is not your truth
-  your truth is the only truth that should matter to you

Finding the edge is one thing, jumping over the edge is something else

-  some jump and that can be a leap of abandon, of desperation, of hope, or of faith - only you know which it is
-  others like me, plot an interesting route, then take a step, any step and then another ... We don't sweat the destination or the speed, this we can change when we know and find our truth

I sense, but may be wrong, that you are a binarist in your thinking - this is easier than dealing with nuance as choosing between stay or go, M or F, yes or no etc is more usual, less challenging than perhaps maybe, partly, non binary, fluid, queer etc.

If you are not a binarist then I can share my experience - I jumped off my cliff at 53  - full ffs, transition level hrt, expected to lose everything - so told no one, aka I was being dishonest and inauthentic with others.  I managed to stop my free fall before I lost everything dear to me - by accepting that I was not and never will be 100% F, that I was NB and that while this was the road less travelled, it was my road.  So I have changed my course, come out to key stakeholders and am taking my journey a step at a time.  Without this realisation I would have come to grief at the bottom of that cliff.

Jess,  you need to be kind to yourself.  Enquire within as to why you believe that you 'need a push'. I don't think that you do. You know where you wish to be.  When you understand and accept this, then you will know how best to express yourself.   Then you can jump with confidence, or take it a step at a time.  Your life, your journey, your choice and your truth.

I wish you well.  You deserve it.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Jess42]

Thanks Aisla. And yeah, I respect the hell out of you. I always thought I may be nonbinary. But Honestly I really don't know anymore. It is really messed up because I long to be fully F or Nonbinary but never male anymore. Even the nonbinary side of me is weakening.

You make a lot of sense about leaping and I really don't know what I would be leaping for honestly.

I need a push because I am scared. Uncertain and cowardly. That is why I need the push. My SO or at least temp SO Likes me the way I am. I don't though. I want to go farther along and the "L" word hasn't been mentioned so I really owe him nothing. I feel I owe myself more than what I am now. I am starting to really hate what I am now Not male and not woman but long to be woman even if the clitty is an outie. I am just so tired of wondering, dreaming, fantasizing and so on. Even though I'm not a "real guy" and somewhere in between and that confuses me more than anything else and longer than anything else in my life.

Really and honestly my mom had the DES because I was a high risk. More often than not, I wish I would have been a miscarriage. I am not suicideal; but I am definitely tired of life and waking up every morning. I guess I'm kind of like the Energizer bunny and keep going and going and going. I really wish the batteries would go dead.

[Athena]

First of all transitioning is a big step. There is nothing wrong with being scared to take the first step. It sounds like you really need to see a therapist to help walk you through this. Also therapy will also help you find out how far down which path you should travel.

Also something to keep in mind, the earlier stages are reversible. You should have at least a few weeks without many changes that gives you an opportunity to back out with no harm no foul.

Though my advice is probably pointless anyways, I have yet started my own transition and have no realistic expectations of ever being in a position where I can.

[helen2010]

I need a push because I am scared. Uncertain ...  I feel I owe myself more than what I am now. I am starting to really hate what I am now Not male and not woman but long to be woman even if the clitty is an outie. I am just so tired of wondering, dreaming, fantasizing and so on. Even though I'm not a "real guy" and somewhere in between and that confuses me more than anything else and longer than anything else in my life.

Jess

I am not a therapist but you do sound that while you may be non binary, you could be much happier transitioning MTF.  This is certainly a viable and well trodden path.  MTNB is for many of us, an ongoing challenge in this binary society of ours.

If transitioning MTF feels right and you have good counsel from your therapist then start walking,  it sounds like it may be exactly where you need to be.  Remember, you don't have to jump - you can take it a step at a time, there is no rush, you can pause, retrace your steps, and then continue, or even change your course.  Being stationary, perhaps as a result of pressure from a SO, is not sustainable.  We need to learn, to grow and to express ourselves.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Jess42]

First of all transitioning is a big step. There is nothing wrong with being scared to take the first step. It sounds like you really need to see a therapist to help walk you through this. Also therapy will also help you find out how far down which path you should travel.

Also something to keep in mind, the earlier stages are reversible. You should have at least a few weeks without many changes that gives you an opportunity to back out with no harm no foul.

Though my advice is probably pointless anyways, I have yet started my own transition and have no realistic expectations of ever being in a position where I can.

Sweety, your input is just as important. Never think your input isn't on this sight. But yeah it is a big step. Nature already made sure I took the first step with itty bitty (breasts) since puberty. Now it's all on me and I am a freakin' coward and don't know if I can ever do it. Yeah, I'm seeing a gender therapist and psychiatrist. I'm just not strong enough like a lot of the girls here to go the extra step and get hormones. I am chicken ->-bleeped-<- and actually feel like way too much of a coward for not getting the letter and let it all happen. This sux because I remember one of Nero's last post was about fakes. And I feel like a chicken crap fake that doesn't have the courage to be more than nothing but a fake or something in between. I'm saying this now because of Nero but I feel like I am spitting on his whole personality because I am so scared, week and like a GD'ed coward. Yes, I am crying now.

[Jess42]

Jess

I am not a therapist but you do sound that while you may be non binary, you could be much happier transitioning MTF.  This is certainly a viable and well trodden path.  MTNB is for many of us, an ongoing challenge in this binary society of ours.

If transitioning MTF feels right and you have good counsel from your therapist then start walking,  it sounds like it may be exactly where you need to be.  Remember, a step at a time, no rush, you can pause, retrace, and then continue, or even change your course.  Being stationary, perhaps as a result of pressure from a SO, is not sustainable.  We need to learn, to grow and to express ourselves.

Safe travels

Aisla

Aisla. I really don't know what I want. Yeah I do and that was to be born cisfemale. But I don't ever believe in coincidence. If I would have been born cisfemale I would never have met transgendered folks and probably as closed minded as a lot of them are when it comes to gender. To be completely honest, and it does sound crazy but I honestly believe that as human beings in the truest sense of the word are better off than the cisgendered of society. No BS  And yeah I have psychiatrist and therapist. Maybe I may just bat crap crazy, like Jill likes to put things.

[helen2010]

Jess

I hadn't realised that you have not started hrt.  Given this, then it is perhaps worth sharing my experience.  HRT made a massive difference to me.  No more dysphoria period.  Huge emotional benefits followed.   However, when I realised that I was NB, I dialled back the meds with my endo's support.  While it has taken a while to find the best dosage for me, I now believe myself extremely fortunate and blessed to find my point of equilibrium.

If you have your letter then low dose hrt is not something to be frightened of.  If it doesn't work for you, then you can stop.  If you find yourself as NB, then it will significantly enrich your life.  If you realise that you are MTF, then this is the next step on your path.

Note that the only negative for me was that the higher dosage caused rapid breast growth, but while ymmv, if you start and remain on low dose until you decide to move further in your transition, this should not be a major issue.

Safe travels

Aisla

[helen2010]

I really don't know what I want...it does sound crazy but I honestly believe that as human beings in the truest sense of the word are better off than the cisgendered of society. No BS  And yeah I have psychiatrist and therapist. Maybe I may just bat crap crazy, like Jill likes to put things.

Jess

If you are bat crazy then so am I

I think that for me, being trans* and in particular NB, feels right to me, and it provides a richer experience as a human being than being binary, cis gendered.  But there again,  I don't wish to be cis phobic,  as I am not binary, cis gendered so how do I really know?

Knowing what you really want, is the $64 question.  It is the necessary first step on your path.   Keep doing the work and you will work it out.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Shantel]

Oh hey Jess, you're ok! It's just a phase we all experience periodically. I was hard core male until age 51 and really hadn't considered this too much other than fleeting thoughts because there wasn't much information out there yet. I've been through combat and should have died back in 1966 with bullet, metal fragment wounds and agent orange contamination, but at age 51 decided wtf, if that didn't kill me nothing as easy as transition will either. Just saying, go with your heart!

[Jess42]

Aisla,

Nature did me pretty good. gynecomastia, DES with my mother because I was a high risk pregnancy and so on. All Mother Nature didn't give me was what is supposed to between the legs. Wow, thanks mommy nature. Oh and a freakin' beard of course. But I can live with that. Or at least use to be able too anyway.

HRT? I have low "T" levels naturally and higher than normal "E" levels or receptors in the brain or whatever. So yeah either I am a freak of nature or a natural HRT experiment of the universe.  ???I don't want to go too much into it here but orgasms have always been on the female level and mental more than visual. Always have to warm up before anything happens. So even HRT, it would take a lot even on low doses. God I'm so messed up but not really though. really hard to explain. I think that may be one of my biggest problems is that I am somewhere in between but am tired of being half this or half that. Maybe I just need to go one or the other and be done with. But it does seem like "T" is hurting more people than it is helping, "E" maybe the way to go or for me anyway.

I really wish someone would just push me off the cliff. My BF is useless "cause he like it when the XL clitty gets stimulated but he is bi so... He like when he does the oral deal.

Mods. Move this into the sexuality section if need be. Sorry to be so crude and unladylike.

[Jess42]

Oh hey Jess, you're ok! It's just a phase we all experience periodically. I was hard core male until age 51 and really hadn't considered this too much other than fleeting thoughts because there wasn't much information out there yet. I've been through combat and should have died back in 1966 with bullet, metal fragment wounds and agent orange contamination, but at age 51 decided wtf, if that didn't kill me nothing as easy as transition will either. Just saying, go with your heart!

Thanx Shantel. I respect the crap out of you, you do know that huh?

I have never been hardcore male though and failed freakin' miserably at it. Flag freakin' football! I couldn't even play flag football, Jesus "F" Christ. I always landed on my butt. This was when I was a " masculine male" in the Army. Gawd I am so ashamed and couldn't even be a real man in a manly role. So I delved itnot my job and never played football or any other sport the whole time I was in. The first year I had to hid my femeninity. Of course I lied and faked an injury. God I feel like such a fake sometimes. I mean, I ain't even brave enough to put a picture of myself as an avatar. I am so chicken crap I just wish there was such a thing as nonexistence abortion or miscarriage. I would definitely choose that over what I am now. So many brave women and men her put a picture as their avatar and I am a coward.

[Shantel]

Thanx Shantel. I respect the crap out of you, you do know that huh?

I have never been hardcore male though and failed freakin' miserably at it. Flag freakin' football! I couldn't even play flag football, Jesus "F" Christ. I always landed on my butt. This was when I was a " masculine male" in the Army. Gawd I am so ashamed and couldn't even be a real man in a manly role. So I delved itnot my job and never played football or any other sport the whole time I was in. The first year I had to hid my femeninity. Of course I lied and faked an injury. God I feel like such a fake sometimes. I mean, I ain't even brave enough to put a picture of myself as an avatar. I am so chicken crap I just wish there was such a thing as nonexistence abortion or miscarriage. I would definitely choose that over what I am now. So many brave women and men her put a picture as their avatar and I am a coward.

Don't worry I'm not pretty either, but so what? That's not the point! Quit beating up on yourself hon, you're going to be ok now so don't waste so much time with the self-pity and get your act together, you can do it.

[Miss_Bungle1991]

So many brave women and men her put a picture as their avatar and I am a coward.

Posting your pic as an avatar doesn't make you brave or cowardly. So, get that idea out of your head. If you don't want to use a pic of yourself as an avatar, put one up in a post if you feel like it. Then you could remove it later, if you wish. Sure, you could do the same with an avatar. But, I think the pic in a post option may be a better idea.

[Jess42]

Don't worry I'm not pretty either, but so what? That's not the point! Quit beating up on yourself hon, you're going to be ok now so don't waste so much time with the self-pity and get your act together, you can do it.

OK. Sometimes Aunty Shantel, I need to wallow in that self pity. Sometimes I need to go into the depths of Hell. I don't know why. It is a mystery to me. What the "F" sets my dysphoria off, I haven't a clue. I haven't even watched TV today or see a movie with a pretty woman in it. Yeah I have been drinking a little wine but that doesn't even do it. I felt it coming on this morning and it just built up more and more to the point it is actually taking my breath away now.  It is really hard to breathe. All I know is that it is becoming more and more often so either I need to either Poop (I hate potty stuff) or get off the pot.

You're right, Shantel. I really need to get my ->-bleeped-<- together, quit beating myself up and try to be OK. It's just right now I am too weak and tired to do that. So...

I have been dealing with this since I was 12 or 13 and can go either or but about the same time as gynacomastia set in and about he same time I had to start shaving my legs and chest to keep from getting infections. God I feel so messed up. It's not about beauty as much as it is about true femininity. Did nature screw me or bless me? Sometimes it actually feels like both.

[Jess42]

Posting your pic as an avatar doesn't make you brave or cowardly. So, get that idea out of your head. If you don't want to use a pic of yourself as an avatar, put one up in a post if you feel like it. Then you could remove it later, if you wish. Sure, you could do the same with an avatar. But, I think the pic in a post option may be a better idea.

Thank you Laura. Eventually I will put one up as myself but now I just feel so self conscious. I am definitely one of those that the camera hates. So surely no super modal material here. I wish though.

[Jessica Merriman]

Jess you sound a lot like I did when I chose life and transition or, well, the other thing. You can not live your life to be accepted by others, only yourself. It sounds a little bit to me that you are trying to meet others expectations and it will just not work very long. You do not sound non binary in my humble opinion, but transgender in your mind, heart and soul. I am not going to tell you to start HRT or transition because it is not my place to do so. My opinion is that you should at least try low dose HRT and see if it has an impact on you and calms your mind a little so you will not be distracted and be able to think clearer. In my case low dose gave me the deciding factor that transition was right for me and allowed all of my thoughts to get better organized to make good decisions.  I wish you the best in whatever decision you make and you will have my full support either way. This is the one time in your life you need to think of and take care of you. Please do not let others dictate your happiness or who you are as that is no way to live freely and without regret.

[Miss_Bungle1991]

So surely no super modal material here.

Nor am I.



I'm quite hideous. But I don't care.

[Shantel]

Nor am I.



I'm quite hideous. But I don't care.

Stop that Laura, it's not true hon!

[Miss_Bungle1991]

Yeah, but I have no delusions about how I look. I'm not going to kid myself and say that I look good when I'm just....meh, at best.