Passing Privilege and Guilt

[NicholeW.]

I really hope that the idea that some of us have it easier than others does not stir angry emotions. I know that in labeling this thread as I did that that risk is present. But, my intention is just that we find ways to generate light without much heat.

I will tell everyone upfront that the entire idea is deeply felt by myself. I am defensive about being able to blend and not having a desire to be a transsexual anything. I live a womanly life. I feel for those who struggle and do recall my own trepidation about how my life would look before I began transition. I know no one who cares not a whit what other people think of them.

I am aware that not everyone who makes this journey is fortunate enough, even with surgeries, to reach that blending point. So, de facto, there IS a passing privilege. Some of us are privileged to be able to walk through our lives being seen as who we deeply know we are. Others do not reach that point and often have to struggle very hard to maintain their lives and esteem. 

IMO, there is no special grace that attaches to either group. No one is better or worse due to the way they look or the way they are looked on. People are human and that alone makes them worthy of my care and respect. Goddess, I hope this diffuses enough anger that we can discuss this without flames.

My question then is this: for those of us who seem to pass, how much guilt do we, individually, feel?

Do you know where that comes from? Is there an aspect of this guilt that is somehow akin to the guilt felt by those who survived the concentration camps at the end of WWII. How do we learn to live with that guilt, or even dispel it? Are we all defensive about it, or am I an anomaly in admitting that sometimes the company of other TSes causes me discomfort due to my wishing to maintain my status as a woman and fearing that they will somehow out me, just by the proximity?

I do not go to conventions. However, I do have some experience, even today, of being among one or two TSes who I do not feel blend well, from time to time, in public. So far, I have not been outted by being in their company. I also do NOT live in Omaha or Kokomo, so my mileage may be true only in a large east coast city with a fairly sizeable trans population.

Anyhow, I am working on the basis that: I cannot get ill enough to provide healing to someone else.

I would like to see other thoughts in this regard, even a discussion of how guilt over blending has played out in the lives of other women and men.

For my part, I have no problem with those who do not feel they blend well to comment about me and my situation. Afterall, this is a board and what you may write about me or my thoughts does not amount to throwing a cuppa hot coffee in my face. 

I only hope we can keep the discussion civil and attempt to be compassionate to everyone and her or his pov.

Thanks,

Nichole

[melissa90299]

OMFG! I haven't read the post yet but the title sounds like a time bomb!

tick...tick..tick...


Is that avatar Sharon Stone? I have had three people tell me I look like Sharon Stone. ReallY!

Posted on: August 11, 2007, 11:46:51 AMOk nice thoughts actually, not as nuclear at all as the title might suggest.

Guilt is one of the most worthless of all emotions, only eclipsed by shame perhaps. There is no space in my mind for guilt especially when it comes to the so-called passing privilege as I have worked hard to achieve being the Sharon Stone clone that I am (LOL I really have to laugh as I am more than ten years older than Stone)

OTOH if you look back at some of my past posts, you will see that this was not always the case. When I see a poorly passing transwoman which is often, I do feel empathy for them. I don't feel guilt however or superiority, well, maybe in my weaker moments, I do.

[NicholeW.]

OMFG! I haven't read the post yet but the title sounds like a time bomb!

tick...tick..tick...


Is that avatar Sharon Stone? I have had three people tell me I look like Sharon Stone. ReallY!

If you have read it now, Melissa, you prolly see I was aware of that.

I just find that rather than ever recalling reading a discussion on a trans BB about this, I think I have seen a lot of flames and resentment and guilt simply released without anyone ever bothering to look at what has moved them.

Like I said: I am hoping that flames do not develop. I am too new here to want to throw bombs.

But, sometimes I do think that we tend to avoid the really very important things about our lives and our interactions with others for the sake of not stirring any negative feelings.

I am thinking that this topic gives me lotsa negative feelings, but where better to discuss it than among others like me where we can feel safe in not having to have some physical confrontation? Maybe if I can just discuss my own guilt, that will somehow help me resolve or adjust it where I do not feel an immediate response to someone else that comes from my own negative feeling rather than from anything they may have written. *shrug* 

I am not trying to stir flames, but am very much interested in exploring my own dark side and things I do feel badly about.

[melissa90299]

Hey Nichole, I was just kidding, read my follow-up.

---Nicole (real name)

BTW I am the champ for posting antagonistic topics. The women here are, for the most part, very respectful.

======================================================================
So, Nichole, what is the root cause for your angst?

[katia]

My question then is this: for those of us who seem to pass, how much guilt do we, individually, feel?

how much guilt do i feel?

none, i deserve it  >

[melissa90299]

Being human, I imagine. 

Oh that's right, grasshopper.

You mean you haven't reach Nirvana yet? Well, to some, I may sound like a hypocrite because I had this really profound spiritual awakening that coincided with going to Thailand and getting BA and SRS.

I am a recovering Catholic and a born again Buddhist...funny when I finally starting grasping Buddhism, I discovered it was very similar to what I thought all along. When we focus on passing, we a re focusing on probably one of the most superficial concepts ever thrust upon any group of people. It has become an Albatross for most of us, the whole concept needs to be shredded IMO and that is coming from someone in the 99th percentile (Voice discounted) Then when we talk about guilt over "passing priveilege"

My newly acquired mindfulness won't allow me to get inside that concept. I will await other's insights.


---Nicole (Leave the H off for hellraiser and Sharon Stone clone LOL)

[NicholeW.]

My question then is this: for those of us who seem to pass, how much guilt do we, individually, feel?

how much guilt do i feel?

none, i deserve it  >

Why would you find that answer evil or twisted, Katia?

I think it is a very healthy answer, very healthy for us all from the oldest stealthy woman to the beginner-yet-to-be.

To live and be a woman, an MTF-TS needs to understand that she is. A woman. There need be no shame in achieving a goal I have striven for. Why would you, me, or anyone else be ashamed? Or guilty? Guilty of what? Would our shame/guilt allow even one of the many who have not yet reached that goal to achieve it?

I think (as a grasshopper ) that the answer is there is only guilt if I view my own life from a perspective that it is shameful to achieve what others have not achieved.

Sort of like saying that the total number of humans that will ever exist on this earth is 10 billion and that all of them must wait to be born until all can be born simultaneously.

Not everyone takes the same journey through transition. Some must travel on a path that requires a person with craggy features and over six feet tall and who will weigh 200 lbs even if they should be rail-thin. So, there are TSes like that. 

I have to travel transition in a different physical realm. Yet, my resistance to growing to be a match to who I am made sure that I took a long time to align with myself. Therefore, I am older now than some who have been successfully post op for twenty years.

Katia, you deserve credit for aligning yourself to what was possible for you and then living into that goal. Yes, you do deserve it. And if you continue to align yourself you will get the more you deserve.

Does that mean that someone who has not yet achieved her goal is undeserving? Of course not. The question asked there is the wrong question because it tries to differentiate us into deserving and not. That question guarantees that if you or I do not feel guilty now, that we have or that others will.

The woman who has not yet achieved her womanhood has not achieved it because she has not yet negotiated her journey. And, more importantly she has not yet aligned herself to the basic well-being that Universe provides us all (in her case, the basic femaleness that inhabits her core.)

There is no fault there. No shame or guilt required from, or for, any of us.

The trick for any of us (MTFs,) if we are truly women in our souls, is to change from who we are not to being women.

All that we require is alignment with who we truly are. When we meet that alignment we will each, individually, reach our goal. In alignment we become she who cannot be seen otherwise than as who she is.

Nichole

(This post should be as valid for FTMs as for MTFs. I am acquainted with the latter more than the former. And my guilt mentioned in my original post was/is a former feeling, not current.)

[RebeccaFog]

Hi Nichole,

    From my perspective, it seems you empathize with those who are having more difficulty achieving what you have.  I think your empathy is a very positive trait and that by sharing it here with others, you are setting a really good example.
    I understand that empathy in itself does no good in helping others, but it is very important to understand or feel what others feel. I think it makes us all better people.

(off topic)
    I would like to believe that, having done your best at avoiding flames, you will not see any.  However, if you do have responses that make you feel uncomfortable, please remember that you can lock your own thread until you think things (people) have calmed down. I believe there is a Lock button at the bottom or top of each thread.
    Also, if you think it will help, feel free to ask your responders to please be polite.
   These tips are just meant to help you in the event your fear of tempers rising comes true.


Peace,

Rebis

[Buffy]

I dont think passing is a privledge, I think (personally) that passing has to be earned by hard work and committment.

I know of many people who transition with a survival mentality, i.e because they have gender issues, they fix their own problems but are frightened and indeed paranoid to integrate into society, fully and totally. The question remains if it is their mentality that leads to this or societies lack of acceptance (and understanding) of us.

I never set out to transition to remain a transsexual, that to me was a complete failure. If I had become a Female version of my former self then again I would have failed in my aims in transition, to become a woman in everyones eyes.

It took me a complete change of mindset, to achieve this goal as for a long time in pressure situations I relied on my past experiences (unfortunately that of a guy) to work my way out of them, women I know know approach the same situations differently and react differently.

I also think guilt is a difficult word to come to terms with, I feel no guilt that I have made my life a success, because I worked hard to get here and did everything I possibly could to make that so. What I feel for people less fortunate than me is both compassion and extreme respect. Not everyone will have the opportunities I had, not everyone will pass and integrate into society like I have been able to (and some people wont want to).

Peace of mind, happinness  and an end to the perpetual torment are the main reasons why most people will transition, there is no guilt in that.

Buffy

[Rachael]

being able to pass gives me no guilt whatsoever, my life, my passing as me. stuff anyone else. i owe the world nothing.

R

[melissa90299]

There is a very sick troll attacking the forum, girls.

Be sure to flag offensive posts. This very troubled guy has already posted under two different IDs, texas->-bleeped-<- and alien.

He will probably be back until his IP is blocked.

Be sure and flag (report) posts promptly. The mods removed his posts immediately.

Kudos to them.

[candifla]

Do prettier/more handsome people feel guilty?

Do smarter people feel guilty?

Do richer people feel guilty?

Do YOU feel guilty for having the luck live in America vs. Sudan?

Do you feel guilty for having enough food to worry about obesity/diabetes/clothing?

Yes, we can/should have compassion for others, but life is the draw of the lot. If you feel guilty, assuage it by doing something...

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful"... BAAAHHH.. I hate you (those that relish their passing and like to make a point about it) BECAUSE you are conceited, vain, and a showoff.

[melissa90299]

There is a very sick troll attacking the forum, girls.

Be sure to flag offensive posts. This very troubled guy has already posted under two different IDs, texas->-bleeped-<- and alien.

He will probably be back until his IP is blocked.

Be sure and flag (report) posts promptly. The mods removed his posts immediately.

Kudos to them.

The offending sick f*** has been banned twice this am.

[Lisbeth]

Most people do not understand that "Passing Privilege" is not a term invented for transsexuals.  It originally applied in reference to Jewish people who could "pass" as Gentiles.  More recently it was adapted to Blacks who could pass as White.  Then to Gays who could pass as Straight.

Passing Privilege seems to have several recurrent characteristics.  One is that the passing person has trouble fitting into either the community of origin or target.  The passing person must purpetually live in fear of discovery.  And the non-passing community resents those who pass, often characterising them as traitors.  Some become "stealth" and never return to their community of origin.  Others try to live in both worlds with varying success.  A small minority of the passing renouce their privilege and "come out" to be leaders in the minority community in its resistence against the majority culture.

[melissa90299]

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful"... BAAAHHH.. I hate you (those that relish their passing and like to make a point about it) BECAUSE you are conceited, vain, and a showoff.

Every "passing" thread is going to give the "Oh woe is me, I pass better than everyone else" trippers the opportunity to once again remind us how well they pass.

Did I tell you today how flawlessly I pass naked in the women's locker room?  > > > > >

[Elizabeth]

So far most of the people posting to this thread either have "passing privilege" or think they have it, which to me is the same as having it. Being a person who has not been granted passing privilege, I thought I might add my two cents worth.

Here I am about six months into living full time with the woman who would end up becoming my wife.



It is pretty apparent I was not gifted with the "passing privilege". It is also probably apparent that I am not that upset about it.  We all have our gifts, our advantages and disadvantages. I see no reason that anyone who can pass should feel any kind of guilt whatsoever. It's your advantage, your gift. What you do with that gift is up to you. Many people waste the gifts they have, by not utilizing their full potential. Passing is not an accident. Those who pass have usually put quite a bit of effort, time and money into it. And even if they have not, it does not matter. Some people are smart, others are gifted musicians. Some people can sing, others can't carry a tune in a bucket.

Am I jealous at times? You bet. I would love to be able to pass flawlessly. But I also recognize that I have not put the time, effort and money that is required. If you are feeling guilty about how you look, let it go. You don't owe me or any other transsexual anything. You owe yourself happiness, whatever it takes to get that. If that means living in stealth, so be it. It's all about finding contentment. A place one feels happy about how their life is going. Besides, it nice having you girls around. It gives me pics to show skeptics what can be done. That this is not a frivolous endeavor.



Love always,
Elizabeth

[Shana A]

Most people do not understand that "Passing Privilege" is not a term invented for transsexuals.  It originally applied in reference to Jewish people who could "pass" as Gentiles.  More recently it was adapted to Blacks who could pass as White.  Then to Gays who could pass as Straight.

Yes, and any of us who were born with male bodies, or if we're white (or pass as such), have privilege granted us by society, regardless of whether or not we want that privilege. I'm Jewish, however pass as white in various situations. I'm transgender, however pass or am perceived as male in various situations. One needs to make conscious effort to renounce our privilege.

Zythyra

[melissa90299]

Better to pass as the warm beautiful human being that you are than anything else, Elizabeth.

Those who value passing as the end-all and be-all are creating their own personal hells and BAD karma but all are entitled to choosing their own paths.

I finally found someone who loves me unconditionally!



And she is soooooooo cute and never gives me any guff!

[Shana A]

Did I tell you today how flawlessly I pass naked in the women's locker room? 

No Melissa, you hadn't mentioned that yet. In this thread anyway. >

Seriously though, congratulations, and mazel tov!

It is pretty apparent I was not gifted with the "passing privilege". It is also probably apparent that I am not that upset about it.  We all have our gifts,

And Elizabeth, you have one of the greatest gifts of all, the knowledge of who you are and living your life as who you are without apology!

Zythyra

[cindianna_jones]

None.  No guilt.  I quit feeling guilty about everything in my life years ago. 

Chin up!

Cindi