Should I tell my Fiance

[Iliana.Found]

Hey everyone,
This will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life. I have been with my fiance for almost four years and we are due to get married very soon. She has no clue, at least to my knowledge, that I am transgender. I think I owe it to her to tell her who I really am before we get married that way she can make the decision that she feels is right for her before we tell all these people to come to a wedding that might not happen. She is loving, very caring, and went to school for psych so it may not be that bad lol But idk, one side of me really feels like we will get through it while the other side feels like she will feel betrayed, like I have tricked her for 4 years, and I really don't want to lose her. Should I see a therapist first and then decide??? But I kind of feel like that is pointless because I don't need a therapist to tell me who I am..Right....Prob not lol. I know who I am inside, but I think I may be a little afraid of the repercussions of the inevitable. I want to tell her know. I have been wanting to tell her everyday for the last two weeks, but I can't bring myself to do it and then the self-doubt begins. Any advice would be great Thanks....

-Iliana mtf

[J441]

Yeah I definitely think you should tell her. I mean this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you can't be completely honest with them, then honestly that's just really sad. Like, you shouldn't have to go through that.

Be brutally honest, as much as you possibly can, and in the right situations. That's helped me a lot in life.

Best of luck with everything. <3

[Cindy]

You absolutely and definitely have to tell her.

No ifs no buts.

She is expecting to marry a man with all of what that entails for any woman. It is far easier to deal with it now than later when her dreams have been shattered and she finds that she has married a woman unknowingly.

It is her life and her happiness that has to be at the forefront of your decision.

Sorry, but put yourself in her place.

[adrian]

Hello Iliana,
Great to have you here!

Telling our loved ones is probably the most difficult part of the whole trans*- deal (to me at least).

Yeah, you have to tell your fiancee. The longer you wait, the more of a life you build together, the more difficult it gets.

I came out to my husband of 14 years this year, right after I had acknowledged that I'm trans*, and it's difficult. We built a live together, and at this point were pretty certain we'd grow old together in our house. It's hard to face losing all of this now. It would have been as hard ten or twelve years ago, but I'm struggling very much with the idea that I ruined my husband's life without giving him the chance to start over when he was still younger. I honestly didn't put my trans-puzzle pieces together until this late in my life, but that doesn't help with the overwhelming guilt I feel.

Be open with her. There's a good chance she will support you!

A therapist could be helpful in that they can support you in finding your way. They can't tell you who you are, but they can help you define where you want to go and how to get there.

[ssneha23]

I think you should definitely tell her. There is no easy way. Breaking a marriage is way tougher than dealing with a broken engagement. I was in a relationship 7 years before I came out to my partner. She really appreciated my honesty and today we are best friends...

Maybe after you tell her your engagement may break. But who knows you may end up as great friends.. All the best hun... My $.02 tell her asap.. 

[traci_k]

Definitely tell. Gender dysphoria usually gets worse with age. You don't want to wind up married, come out, and find your wife is unaccepting of being married to a woman. It often gets ugly. Broken marriages are often worse than broken engagements. No saying that is what will happen, but if there is any chance you will need to transition, tell her now.

Hugs, Best Wishes and Welcome to Susan's!

[Vicky Mitchell]

Being in a marriage and just coming out last week.  She deserves to know before she walk down aisle. That way she knows what she is signing up for before her one special day.  Not every do can handle this kind of news well as it is a life changer. 


Steven
MtF

[Brenda E]

Tell her before she walks down the aisle.  Like months before, not five minutes before.  And certainly not after.

It's one thing to discover you're trans a few years (or decades ) into a marriage and then have to deal with that mess, but if you know you're trans and that you want to transition before you exchange wedding rings, it's unfair to keep it hidden.

I don't think there's much debate to be had about this one.

Coming out as trans destroys so many marriages.  You'll be doing both yourself and her a huge favor by dealing with this issue before you're married.  Sure, a break-up at this late stage will be painful and messy, but it'll be nothing compared to the life-altering problems you'll be causing by risking marrying her and then telling her.

If she'd accept that you're trans after you're married, she'll accept you as trans before you're married too.  Marrying her and then telling her sounds a little like trying to trap her (or at least that's how she may perceive it.)

It's a tough position to be in, but it's also a good position.  I so wish I had the opportunity to come out as trans before I was married - much as I love my wife, I think we'd both have been far better off had I figured things out before putting almost twenty years into a relationship.

[AnonyMs]

I agree with everyone else, you have to tell her of course. It would be a terrible thing not to.

You also have to tell her for your own sake, not just hers. It may look like worst case is you tell her and break up, but I expect its actually if you don't and keep going. Imagine 5, 10, 20 years from now and you have children, and hiding this secret has poisoned your marriage and possibly your relationship with your kids as well, and its all your fault. And eventually you can't take it any more, like so many can't, and then she finds out. The guilt would have to be appalling, and you'd only escape it if you were a sociopath, which you're not or you wouldn't be asking this question.

I've got kids, and its been rough, but at least I didn't know I was trans. I still feel its all my fault. I know in my head that's not really true, and it helps somewhat. I'm can't imagine how I'd feel if I'd known and lied. I'm not sure I'd survive it.

You might also be fortunate and build a better relationship with her, or failing that someone else. Even ignoring the worst case, being with someone who loves the real you would be a wonderful thing to have.

[Iliana.Found]

Thank you all for the great advice. I think some of you feel as if I am going to wait until we are married before I tell her which is not the case. I was wondering if I should see a therapist first or not. I know it would be wrong to wait until we are married as I have read so many stories where the transgender person did not know they were transgender or that they waited and bad things ensued for both parties. While that is not always the case, I'd rather be open with her before then. Anywho, I took the first step in getting help today by contacting a therapist. She did not answer, but I left a message and for the first time I verbally stated that I felt I am having problems with my GID. It was actually kind of hard to say the first time, but I got through it. I can't wait for the callback so I can get started on getting things in place.

-Iliana

[Iliana.Found]

Tell her before she walks down the aisle.  Like months before, not five minutes before.  And certainly not after.

I think I'll tell her at the alter lol jk Thanks for your input

-Iliana

[Iliana.Found]

Being in a marriage and just coming out last week.  She deserves to know before she walk down aisle. That way she knows what she is signing up for before her one special day.  Not every do can handle this kind of news well as it is a life changer. 


Steven
MtF

Hey, If you don't mind how did she take it?

[Iliana.Found]

I think you should definitely tell her. There is no easy way. Breaking a marriage is way tougher than dealing with a broken engagement. I was in a relationship 7 years before I came out to my partner. She really appreciated my honesty and today we are best friends...

Maybe after you tell her your engagement may break. But who knows you may end up as great friends.. All the best hun... My $.02 tell her asap..

Thanks. I think I'm going to build up as much courage as possible and tell her this week(Hopefully). I'll let you all know how it goes....

[Lynne]

... Anywho, I took the first step in getting help today by contacting a therapist. She did not answer, but I left a message and for the first time I verbally stated that I felt I am having problems with my GID. It was actually kind of hard to say the first time, but I got through it. I can't wait for the callback so I can get started on getting things in place.

Thanks. I think I'm going to build up as much courage as possible and tell her this week(Hopefully). I'll let you all know how it goes....

I remember the first time I had to say it aloud to another person and it was very hard for me. It is still hard for me to say it to people I've known from before. Congratulations on the first steps and good luck with the coming out!

[ImagineKate]

Please do tell her. Take it from me. I've been married for 10 years with 3 kids and it is extremely difficult for a spouse with so much invested in the marriage to take.

I wish I had the courage to tell her before we got married. But at the same time we have kids now so I gained that but we don't have a happy home right now. That may change but to be honest it's a roll of the dice.

[Gothic Dandy]

Oh, I misunderstood too. I thought you were asking if you should tell her before or after marriage.

I don't think you need to wait for a therapist in order to tell your fiancee. You can just tell her that you're questioning your gender if you aren't comfortable with saying that you're a woman. Some people don't understand what questioning means. They'll just think you're confused, but in reality, most trans people have a little bit of uncertainty, or simply a fear of the unknown/fear of regret, and I think it's healthy to acknowledge that.

[ImagineKate]

Oh right, I misunderstood as well.

For me I told her before I saw the therapist.

[FTMax]

You absolutely and definitely have to tell her.

No ifs no buts.

She is expecting to marry a man with all of what that entails for any woman. It is far easier to deal with it now than later when her dreams have been shattered and she finds that she has married a woman unknowingly.

It is her life and her happiness that has to be at the forefront of your decision.

Sorry, but put yourself in her place.

Ditto what Ms. Cindy said here. Let us know how it goes!

[awilliams1701]

Right now I'm pretty obviously transgender so I feel obligated to put it at the top of my okcupid profile. However if I did pass I'm not sure when the correct time would be. I may not put it at the top of my profile anymore, but I would personally think I should do it early in the relationship.

[Iliana.Found]

Hey all sorry for the late response on my status. So I spoke with my therapist and she is great!!! She suggested that I wait until after the holidays and her finals. So Christmas is gone and finals are over sooooooooo tomorrow is the big day. OMG IM SO NERVOUS. I told my cousin today who is a lesbian and she was so supportive. She is the first person that I've told aside from my therapist and it gave me courage to tell my mom and fiance tomorrow. I'll tell my fiance when we wake up and then my mom later in the day. I hope I do not lose my fiance, but this has to be done and she has to know. I have the feeling of walking up to a swimming pool and you know its best to just jump in, but its so cold that you linger for what seems like forever. Well here goes nothing....