First of all, hello, This would be my first post here, and while under normal circumstances I would probably get to know you guys and gals first, there's been these feelings I just can't shake for a few months that I would love some help with, if you can. qq
I'm a recent MTF transgender, or just call me a girl because its easier and more fun like that. x3 Anyway...
After about half a year of strange emotional troubles that had either directly to do with wanting to be a girl, or had a mild relation to wanting to be a girl, I gave up and considered myself trans in the middle of the summer this year. At the time, after I had chosen that, I began to feel a wonderful release of happiness that i hadn't experienced in a long time, outside of clinging to my huge crush at the time. And these wonderful feelings lasted for quite a few months, the only thing that ever bothered me was my tendency to get aroused while wearing female clothing, which I despised with my very being because I wanted to enjoy it for what it was, not for some sexual fantasy (not that that's bad, mind you. But it wasn't what I wanted or thought it was, I felt insulted.).
A few months in however, I met someone online that was against trans stuff in general, being very brash and calling out things I found to be totally crazy. I kind of went a little over board and responded to literally everything he said, joke or not, and because of that we reset the argument back to what he considered his core points and I ended up losing it, or misinterpreting, or I don't even know. But regardless, I was pretty depressed for a few days because of it, and it affected me strongly for two weeks, to the point where I couldn't even call myself by my female name without some sort of edge about it, I didn't feel like I had an identity, I wasn't sure of anything really.
I finally got out of my slump and seemed to return to normal after a those two weeks, but i found out soon that I wasn't over it, and that strange new anxieties started appearing just from trying to cross-dress. I would see women's clothes, cute things, etc, dressing up in general, and I'd get instantly excited and try to find a time and place to put it on. But the moment I put it on, or as it was in my hands, I began to feel anxious and upset, strained, tired, and rather firey. It went almost instantly from excited happiness to a strange sense of failure or being scared, as soon as it got on me I felt the desire to just...take it off, to not deal with the stress that doing caused me, no matter how enticing dressing up seemed. The severity of these feelings was generally pretty random, sometimes I could ignore it, other times I could manage to keep the stuff on but not enjoy it, and other times I just had to take it off right away else I began to feel heated and bothered.
I asked some of my best online friends where this could be coming from, and I asked myself too, but no concrete answers and for-sures, or sometimes it feels like it could be all of them. Some said it was because I do have to hide it from the majority of my family, and even with your friends, as accepting as they are of it, will pressure you into taking the stuff off to hide it from specific people, and of course no going outside with it. (Not that I would without a wig or anything, too scared too.) I want to be free, after all.
My own searching found that part of the anxiety and feelings may stem from totally sticking out like a sore thumb while crossdressing zzz. I don't want to stick out, I want to feel convincing enough to go out I guess, and I can't do that so long as my family is against it (outside of my sister.). The other part was that I still wasn't over the argument I had with that guy online about it, as those words of his (or perhaps his strong-aggressive tone he took, the plain out dislike he had for transitioning/body changing for something like this as a concept.) bug me to no end even when its gotten to the point where I can barely remember anything but specific quotes and lack memory context.
The last friend, my crush, who went through emotional hell to discover that I was like this in the first place, was curious if I was doubting my own transness...
And I just don't know anymore. I like woman's clothes, I like the concept of dressing up, I still preference to heck and back that I would be refered to as a female online (in real life, even if friends know I'm planning on it, I don't think they know how serious I am about it. It feels like a joke to them in real life for the most part, so I don't bother pressing them to refer to me as female.), I'm afraid to go back to my male identity because of the strange things I did to satisfy this desire to be a girl or be seen as one, and at the same time, when I'm sometimes forced to hide my identity for the sake of my parents It feels weird and awkward as hell, so I don't think just changing my identity back would be a good idea...
I don't know, I'm here because I want advice or similar experiences to possibly understand what I'm going through, where these feelings came from...etc. I have a therapist, but she's not a gender therapist because my mom has control of the insurance and gets to decide where we go (though i did slyly work with my FAU/college consoler to give her a therapist that would be okay if i talked with her about those things, as she's not immediately against it, but still focus on the ADHD problems.), and she knows, but she's not entirely equipped with the knowledge on how gender works to help me, as good as she is.
If the best advice you guys can give is go see a gender therapist, I wouldn't be upset. lol I understand i need to see one, but I guess I'll just have to continue waiting until I can.
...Whew that was long, I'm sorry. These are pent up feelings that are months long so I got kind of winded.
if you must know, I choose the Name Aife because it's cute, simple, and unique. My age is 19 x3. And on a more positive note, hello guys and girls!~
