I am a 50ish divorced man with mostly adult children. I work in what has been viewed as a mostly male dominated field and have been with the same company for almost 30 years. I make a very good living but I have had a very hard time being able to enjoy live. I got married fairly young and was in that marriage for over 25 years. I was unhappy and felt trapped by my life choices.
When I was young I was frequently told that I was too pretty to be a boy. My internal feelings were much the same. I spent a lot of time in my early years (3-10) playing with other little girls. I played with dolls and I played dress up and I loved it. I don't remember if my parents ever knew about all of that and I can't ask them about it because the one parent who would know passed away a few years ago. Once, at a group of boys slumber party (did us boys call it that or something else?) there was a suggestion of giving each other oral sex which disgusted me. Then puberty hit and junior high started. I felt out of place and to survive I began my lifelong game of tough it out and be what your biological appearance says you are. If had to be one of the boys I was going to be one of the best.
I excelled in sports and other manly activities. I started dating around 14 and I was fascinated by the fact that the other girls were growing breasts. I loved touching their breasts and their bras and wished I could have them too. I never told anyone about my feelings. I had to keep it all inside because to have these feelings was wrong.
I went to college and continued dating. At one point I started to get counseling. I was so embarrassed by my feelings that as I was trying to explain my feelings and actions as a child to the counselor (I was really beating around the bush) he started to believe that I was trying to tell him I had been sexually abused. I gave up on counseling; I couldn't bring myself to express my feelings. Occasionally I was able to get a hold of an old pair of pantyhose and I loved the feel of them on my legs. I still wanted to play dress up; I still wanted my own breasts. I still felt embarrassed and that something was wrong with me. I continued to date and have sex with girls. I got very good at giving oral sex because I really liked it. I continued to repress my feelings.
I continued my education and got an advanced degree. I continued to date girls and I continued to envy the clothes they got to wear. I continued to envy their breasts. Even as I was getting married the feelings that I believed were so wrong continued to be inside of me. I just had to buy my bride some sexy undergarments; not so much for her as much as I wanted them for me. She refused to ever wear them saying that she didn't think that she should have to dress up like a whore to excite her husband. (They actually were a very classy and expensive garter belt, stocking, bra and robe set; I wish I had got them in the divorce)
I graduated; we moved and got good jobs. Marriage was not what either of us had envisioned and there were problems. There was counseling but my feelings that were so wrong that they couldn't be let out. Children started coming and even though the problems continued so did the marriage. And then there were more children. The game of tough it out had to continue. I had youngsters who depended on me.
A change in job status created a situation where I got to live alone in a different town part of the time. I had my own apartment. There were opportunities to get some of the clothes I so wanted. I could get the makeup I so wanted to wear. Alone in my little room I got to try out what I thought I wanted. Then the disgust and self loathing set in. Everything had to be secretly thrown away because I couldn't let anyone see that it came from my trash. Then the urge hit again and more stuff was bought and then the inevitable purge repeted itself.
The job change ended and everyone was again back in the same household. Repression, suppression and depression could best sum up the next many years. Serial masturbation and looking at pictures of women, who looked like what I wanted to look like, was the norm. I had to keep everything hidden because of an overbearing and demanding spouse and having young children in the house. Years go by and very little changes. In many respects life is great. Raising kids is a joy and seeing them in plays, concerts and sporting events makes life good. Being in a bad marriage and hating who you are pretending to be sucks. There are nights where you just lay there and pray to God that he takes your life in a work related accident so that there will be money to support your kids and let them go to college.
God answers prayers. It just that God answers them as he desires, not as we desire them to be answered.
Eventually everything comes crashing down. Apparently I am not the only one who thinks being in a bad marriage sucks; the spouse goes shopping for a better undamaged model. (Good luck honey, at our age everyone is damaged.) I have no idea why but the soon to be ex tells me that I need to have a conversation with our kids about my sexual identity because I am obviously gay. I jokingly reply that I discussed it with my counselor we agreed that she's right, I'm a lesbian. With the crash comes financial problems and divorce costs. I was forced out of the family home and I ended up eventually getting to live by myself.
Getting a new girlfriend, working, divorce proceedings and having the kids living with me part time doesn't give time or space to focus on me. Eventually, the desire, need and compulsions begin to return. Changes in circumstances have resulted in my financial situation being turned around and the kids college costs are no longer a problem. Kids are no longer living with me part time.
The feelings that have been repressed for so long eventually come gushing out. There is now this thing called the internet. It allows you to look things up and have access to a world of information. I began to discover that the years of repression and guilt are not unusually. What! There are other people who feel like I do? What! They have actually studied this stuff? What! I don't have to keep this hidden in my little closet in the back of the hall hidden under the bowling ball, snow skis and the tire chains that haven't been used in years?
Using the convenience of internet shopping I discovered that I could get the bras and hose and dresses and even false breasts to help create the illusion of the me that I have always envisioned myself to be. I was able to get makeup and wigs that helped make me change into the beautiful person I had kept repressed for so long. I even found pumps and boots that will fit my obscenely large feet.
I've been able to try out different looks to see what may be the best fit for me. I've been a blonde, a red head and a brunette. I've tried everything from long hair to a bob and a number of styles in between. I've been able to order evening wear, club wear, casual wear and work wear dresses. I've been to Michael's and JoAnn's to get the materials to make earrings and necklaces that match my outfits or hair.
I truly believe that I have discovered the me that I have been repressing for so long. I have been lucky to have one family member who is very close in age to me and we grew up together in those early years and she has been like a sister. Making that first contact was soooo hard but turns out to have been very rewarding. Your "gorgeous!" and "kick ass beautiful" and "I wished I looked as good as you" I was told. Not sure if I could trust someone who loves me no matter what, I discovered the links in one of the threads on this board directing me to the online ReKongnition face detection software. ReKongnition says I'm 100% female, between the ages of 25-36 and between an 85 and 97.75 on their beauty scale. OMG, I may be closer to being able come out than I ever thought.
I've been growing out my hair for about a year now and it's down to my shoulders in the back. I made the mistake of cutting the front and sides a bit about 6 months ago and it hasn't grown out as fast as I would like. I have been taking natural herb supplements to try to get my breasts to grown naturally and they are starting to bud. I must be losing weight in my waist because I have had to cinch my belts tighter. My scale doesn't agree that I am losing weight so maybe it is just being repositioned.
I have made the decision that I cannot wait any longer and it is time to come to grips with the real me. I will begin counseling this weekend with a very good TG specialist. As part of the process I know I will have to give up the natural supplements and begin HRT shortly. I think that having proper medical testing and medications will be very beneficial and probably much safer for me.
I am fortunate that I live in a part of the country where I can get expert assistance. I have an employer that is very supportive and provides excellent insurance. I am fortunate to have some friends and family who are very supportive and will be able to help me transition to be myself. Finally I am fortunate to have found this site. I have lurked here for a while and reading the individual stories of you all has been an inspiration to me. I now know that I am special and I don't have to repress who I am.
I know that this is a bit of a long winded introduction, in the future I will try to keep my posts a bit more manageable. Oh, that joke about being a lesbian, apparently it wasn't a joke!
