I'm in some hard times..

[acbonnett]

Hey, my name is andrew and I'm 17 about to turn 18. For the past 6yrs I've been fighting against myself...I've been having tendencies to act feminine. First it started out small like being superficial about what I wear and how good I look before I leave the house, but now it's the erge to want to be a want to be a woman. Even feel like a true woman. Im so confused cause I don't act the part out in public. But when I'm alone I beat myself up by going back and forth between being a man or a woman.

I really do apologies if it seems like I'm rambling but I just don't know what to do. I really just need to talk to someone about this, but there's nobody I can talk to....

[Emileeeee]

A therapist or a counselor would be a good start. The way I've come to deal with the confusion is that the me at home is the one without any outside influences. That me is female. That me is what I would be if there was nobody telling me what I should be. The confusion is because you're bouncing back and forth between no influence and society's influence.

[acbonnett]

Society isn't the issue for me. It's that thought of pushing the self-destruct button on my future goals in life.
I've built myself up to be a man's man while bearing the same constant thought of who I feel I really am. I could go in detail but I doubt you guys want to hear my life story on this..

[StrykerXIII]

You sound almost exactly like me, really.

[acbonnett]

I'll make it short and sweet

All my life I've felt this way but each time it came unbearable, I beat the thought of it back ten fold. Thus I started taking measures to make me more of a man, or look that way. I fought on a regular basis, became masculine, tough, a womanizer, etc. And that's not the worse of it.
Since I was 4 I've always wanted to join the military. Be on the front lines fighting along side my brother in arms. Defending this great nation from threats domestically and internationally. If i do come out those doors to be on the frontlines will slam shut, but this feeling inside has beatn me up for so long I can't hold it any longer.
It seems that I'm in this horrible pickle of a situation and there's no clear way out.

[acbonnett]

You sound almost exactly like me, really.

How so??[emoji53]

[Beth Andrea]

Definitely gender therapy you need.

Your story is actually similar to most all the MtF's here; we try and try and try to be "manly" (and some of us succeeded) but eventually our real Self comes out, demands to come out, and like you said, it comes down (in many cases) to a simple choice:

Transition, or self destruct.

There are many ways to defend the country, even if combat arms isn't going to be an option. There's 10-100 non-combat troops for every one front line soldier/sailor/airman/marine. All of those other roles are just as honorable as the combat arms people.

As a temporary "holding" action, may I suggest you indulge your girlie self while in private (such as your apartment or room) and/or wear something discreet while in public (such as lady's underwear)...and no, you would not be a freak if you did that. You're allowing a major part of your life to LIVE.

Hope this helps.

[acbonnett]

Definitely gender therapy you need.

Your story is actually similar to most all the MtF's here; we try and try and try to be "manly" (and some of us succeeded) but eventually our real Self comes out, demands to come out, and like you said, it comes down (in many cases) to a simple choice:

Transition, or self destruct.

There are many ways to defend the country, even if combat arms isn't going to be an option. There's 10-100 non-combat troops for every one front line soldier/sailor/airman/marine. All of those other roles are just as honorable as the combat arms people.

As a temporary "holding" action, may I suggest you indulge your girlie self while in private (such as your apartment or room) and/or wear something discreet while in public (such as lady's underwear)...and no, you would not be a freak if you did that. You're allowing a major part of your life to LIVE.

Hope this helps.

Beth,

The frontlines is where I belong. I'd rather not take a non combat position. Here, look up TACP. That's what I'm signed up for. I leave June 22 for BT.

And the deal with we are all the same can be a yes and no. I've lived from day 1 being a man. One yr is all fine and we'll but the next this Freakn thought Terrorizes me till I break, and believe me, I'm not the type of guy that would break under emotional stress. But this has, and will be, the only thing in the world that will drop me to my knees asking why. Why me.

[Kova V]

Doubt is a funny thing. The only thing that clears it up is hindsight. One thing that may help you is perspective. There are plenty of women that were ex-military men.

Also, not to kick a dead horse, but you really should look for a gender therapist. Note that therapists are just people - they can have biases. Don't set yourself up for failure by talking to one that doesn't know the details of gender issues. You wouldn't see a brain surgeon to fix a broken tooth. 

Just remember we never end up exactly where we think we should be or where we want to be. Be at peace knowing you will make the best choice with the best knowledge you have at that time. You don't know what you don't know so there's no point in regretting life desisions.

It's okay, you'll be okay.

[acbonnett]

You're right Kova...but by the time I get out HRT won't be an option. Yes I could go through with it but I won't look like a woman, therefor to me I won't feel like a genuine woman.

And don't beat that dead horse, that's just cruel lol. Ima go to a therapist to discuss is further to see what steps I can take.

[StrykerXIII]

How so??[emoji53]

I fought with myself over it until I was about 22. I didn't dare tell anyone about it, because I was already bullied just for being a dirt-poor, long-haired metalhead. And my parents? P'fah, no way. My mom is a conservative Christian and my father's a real type-A. I stuffed it down and denied myself that it was even happening until I moved away from them and moved in with my fiancee, who's genderqueer. She was the one who finally got me to stop lying about it and just be myself.

[acbonnett]

Yes and no, my issue isn't with coming out to my family. It tearing down my bridge to my destiny. The only reason why I beat the ever loving tar out the though is just. I can give, not one, but two ->-bleeped-<-s about what people would think of it all. And I'm very OCD about it all. If I want to be a woman there I am going to look the part by looking beautiful. That means I would have to start either now with the HRT or with in the next year. And I won't be able to do that if I'm going to join the USAF.

[Emileeeee]

You'd be surprised how many people on this forum are ex special forces for this very reason. Some of us have rather manly looking tattoo sleeves too. It's how some of us cope and try to push past it.

[StrykerXIII]

And I'm very OCD about it all. If I want to be a woman there I am going to look the part by looking beautiful.

Preaching to the choir, honey...I've dealt with OCD since middle school and it fully extends to dressing the part. 

[acbonnett]

You'd be surprised how many people on this forum are ex special forces for this very reason. Some of us have rather manly looking tattoo sleeves too. It's how some of us cope and try to push past it.

That's what I needed Em. [emoji4] holy crap, you don't know how much of a relief that was just to hear you say that.

But I do have a question if you done mind me asking...

[acbonnett]

Preaching to the choir, honey...I've dealt with OCD since middle school and it fully extends to dressing the part.  [emoji23]

Yep, so I guess we are riding on the simular boat bud. I really just don't want to be the trans that still looks like a dude...that's what I'm kinda of worried about the most

[Emileeeee]

But I do have a question if you done mind me asking...

...and that would be?

[acbonnett]

When did you start you trans?

[StrykerXIII]

Yep, so I guess we are riding on the simular boat bud. I really just don't want to be the trans that still looks like a dude...that's what I'm kinda of worried about the most

Definitely know that feeling. Don't worry, though. Just take a look around this place...there's women who have transitioned at all ages, and if I met any of them on the streets I'd laugh my backside off if they told me they used to be anything else.

[acbonnett]

Now that's very true.
All the things about HRT said you should start early. I guess it was wrong lol