detransition, suicide, jealousy, self mutilation

[melbunny]

So I've been on HRT for 5 years now, I am 22.

I have never skipped a day of meds, I could say I am addicted to hormones. I have grown breasts, hips, thighs, i gained a lot of weight, I got stretch marks, cellulite... woman stuff.

I am a good looking "woman" I guess, however I have never left my house as a woman.

My parents won't support me plus I am terrified of it, what people would think, the people who would see me. It's scary. I lost all my friends, I only have online friends now.

When I first started HRT I thought everything would change I would finally be happy but that is not what happened, I am more miserable than ever, I worry 24/7 about a possible hair loss, I worry about my weight, my height, I worry about EVERY SINGLE thing that is wrong with me. I go out (as a boy) and I look at young, skinny, tiny woman and I feel horrible, I feel insanely jealous, sad and miserable. I am too tall, my foot may be too big, my hands may be too big, my voice is awful.

I have been single since 2007, I don't have courage to even try dating, people just leave me... and to be honest I don't think i even want it anymore, nothing makes sense anymore, none of my hobbies make me happy, nothing make me happy... I try to study and i can't focus, i can't do anything anymore, I am constantly being smashed by my insecurities and fears and low self esteem.

I am living a hell inside my own head and i just want it to stop... I want to be a boy, a normal one, be happy with what i have, stop caring about woman stuff, make up, heels, clothes, babies... I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE.

I have attempted suicide dozen of times, I have mutilated myself and I just can't handle this anymore... is there any help for me? can i be a boy?

This is gonna sound awful but I hear about people with cancer and I wish it was me... I wish i had a disease that would take my pain away. this is just too much to bear... i have been in therapy since this whole thing started and nothing ever helped me, nothing...

[Dena]

Welcome to the form and I am sorry you feel that way. If you were in the Phoenix area, I would be more than happy to take you in public if you don't mind people staring at me  The first time in public can be very stressful and I was lucky that I only had a short distance to the car and the group I attended was a good starting point. Maybe you can continue posting and when you get to 15 post, you can update your hidden profile with a location and somebody on the board may be able to get you moving. You need to do it in baby steps and maybe go to some place isolated or with very few people around. The other option is if you have somebody non TS they may be able to help. Now I have posted on your thread I will receive notifications of anything that appears on your thread. If I can help, just say the word.

[FreyasRedemption]

Oh gods.
I was not prepared for anything of this magnitude. But damn it, I'm here now, and I will at least attempt to help.
Please don't lose hope. We have been granted so few things, but it is what keeps us capable of pulling ourselves together after every bad thing we go through. No matter what happens, as long as you have life and hope, you will eventually make it.
And if your case is anything like mine, rejection is only going to make it worse.
From the very moment I got the first clue of what was actually wrong with my body, I rejected the very idea of actually being meant to be female. I hanged onto my identity of a man with everything I had. It worked, for a while. For years, I tried to convince myself that there was no need for change. That I was a man, body, mind and soul, all of me. But I constantly doubted myself. What if those weird feelings were actually the truth? By time, I came to think about it more and more. I started to feel miserable. I kept telling myself lies, to hide the unacceptable behind something easier to digest.
I became depressed. I had to bury myself in fiction, in order to avoid facing any of this in my life.
Until I figured it out, with a little help from the Sun.
It was the hottest summer in ages. A heat wave, a drought. Too hot to even have clothes on. I happened to almost accidentally run into the subject of being transgendered somewhere in the Internet..... Combined, all that got me thinking. I spent hours, almost whole days, merely sitting on my bed and thinking. And I came to a conclusion. I had to embrace it, or be haunted by it my whole life.
I chose to act. I chose to count on destiny and my own strength, on that there is a better tomorrow that I can create for myself.
And here I am. I've still got a long way to go. And it is not an easy journey. I am now despised by so many people, I cannot even grasp their numbers. My mother still partially refuses to believe the whole thing, and almost everything she says to me makes me upset or depressed.
The society as a whole regards me as something I am not.
My other lifelong dreams are being shattered before my eyes.
There is no human being who genuinely loves me as I am.
I know that at my current state, passing as female would be impossible.
There is a cold wind blowing from the east. The Russians have never been good neighbours.
And I still keep doubting myself. I, even now, quite desperately cling to every little strand of hope. Religion. The few people who support me. Escapism. Possibly helping others, who are in much worse conditions than I am. A dream of a better future. They are what makes life worth living. The fight worth of fighting. The dreams worth of waking up again. There is a better tomorrow. But you've got to shape it yourself. You can be helped, but no one else can make a future for you.
Please, whatever you do, do not throw your life away. There are people who care about you.
There is always a better tomorrow.
-Freya

[melbunny]

Welcome to the form and I am sorry you feel that way. If you were in the Phoenix area, I would be more than happy to take you in public if you don't mind people staring at me  The first time in public can be very stressful and I was lucky that I only had a short distance to the car and the group I attended was a good starting point. Maybe you can continue posting and when you get to 15 post, you can update your hidden profile with a location and somebody on the board may be able to get you moving. You need to do it in baby steps and maybe go to some place isolated or with very few people around. The other option is if you have somebody non TS they may be able to help. Now I have posted on your thread I will receive notifications of anything that appears on your thread. If I can help, just say the word.

No I am not in Phoenix, I am not in any english speaking country actually. I don't have any friends, unfortunately... I don't have anyone. My greatest concern is not really about going public though.

Thank you.

Oh gods.
I was not prepared for anything of this magnitude. But damn it, I'm here now, and I will at least attempt to help.
Please don't lose hope. We have been granted so few things, but it is what keeps us capable of pulling ourselves together after every bad thing we go through. No matter what happens, as long as you have life and hope, you will eventually make it.
And if your case is anything like mine, rejection is only going to make it worse.
From the very moment I got the first clue of what was actually wrong with my body, I rejected the very idea of actually being meant to be female. I hanged onto my identity of a man with everything I had. It worked, for a while. For years, I tried to convince myself that there was no need for change. That I was a man, body, mind and soul, all of me. But I constantly doubted myself. What if those weird feelings were actually the truth? By time, I came to think about it more and more. I started to feel miserable. I kept telling myself lies, to hide the unacceptable behind something easier to digest.
I became depressed. I had to bury myself in fiction, in order to avoid facing any of this in my life.
Until I figured it out, with a little help from the Sun.
It was the hottest summer in ages. A heat wave, a drought. Too hot to even have clothes on. I happened to almost accidentally run into the subject of being transgendered somewhere in the Internet..... Combined, all that got me thinking. I spent hours, almost whole days, merely sitting on my bed and thinking. And I came to a conclusion. I had to embrace it, or be haunted by it my whole life.
I chose to act. I chose to count on destiny and my own strength, on that there is a better tomorrow that I can create for myself.
And here I am. I've still got a long way to go. And it is not an easy journey. I am now despised by so many people, I cannot even grasp their numbers. My mother still partially refuses to believe the whole thing, and almost everything she says to me makes me upset or depressed.
The society as a whole regards me as something I am not.
My other lifelong dreams are being shattered before my eyes.
There is no human being who genuinely loves me as I am.
I know that at my current state, passing as female would be impossible.
There is a cold wind blowing from the east. The Russians have never been good neighbours.
And I still keep doubting myself. I, even now, quite desperately cling to every little strand of hope. Religion. The few people who support me. Escapism. Possibly helping others, who are in much worse conditions than I am. A dream of a better future. They are what makes life worth living. The fight worth of fighting. The dreams worth of waking up again. There is a better tomorrow. But you've got to shape it yourself. You can be helped, but no one else can make a future for you.
Please, whatever you do, do not throw your life away. There are people who care about you.
There is always a better tomorrow.
-Freya

I am not sure if i was ever meant to be transgender. I saw transgender women and I found them pretty, and I always wanted to be pretty but I lived 14 years as a boy and it was sort of fine... it became a nightmare around 16 and now it is unbearable, I don't want this... I don't want to be constantly worrying, questioning, hating myself. I've had enough of this, maybe I was born to be some kind of woman but never a transwoman... a transwoman has to deal with things I am just not capable of.

thank you .

[stephaniec]

there is absolutely nothing wrong with stopping. transition , maybe your just realizing that path is not your true path. I really think the best thing for you to do is to seek out professional help with a therapist knowledgeable in transgender therapy. You may or may not be trans, but therapy will help sort things out if you don't all ready have a therapist.

[melbunny]

Thank you. I am already in therapy, I've been for many years with several different therapists.

[Laura_7]

First, hav a *hug*

Please understand you are not alone.
There are many people feeling this way.

If you are really depressed please reach out and call or chat here :
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112545.0.html
Do it ! trevorproject for example has a chat...
should they ask where you are from simply say you don't want to tell.

The therapy you started, is this a person knowledgable with gender issues so they could help you along ?

You might try to do this step by step.

First, there are not only small women. Many models are over 6' tall, and transgender people tend to have long feet, which people usually find attractive.

You might start slow for example, with a few womens trousers and sweaters... second hand stores could be a good source.
It can be fun to try out.

You could try this step by step, growing hair a bit... using a nourishing product for your face, maye some oil based like jojoba (unless allergic)...

concerning voice, things that can be done quite quickly are speaking a bit softer and a bit breathy...
this all can be fun...

in my opinion its not good to try to supress parts of you.
You might simply try to do a few things you feel bring you joy, instead of wishing to be a boy.
Its a step by step process. Just do one step after the other.

You could look for some support... there might be support groups, meetup groups etc. An lgbt center... And you can look for friends at susans, after 15 messages you can text with others.

You might look up a brochure for the british NHS called "doh-transgender-experiences.pdf" . Only thing I would disagree with is page 7, where they state stress, instead many experience relief.
It states that being trans has some biological connections, which is imo socially a bit better acceptable, and it might help with self acceptance.
So its nobodys fault, neither theirs nor their parents upbringing etc.
They give a broad palette of responses, from crossdressing from time to time to full transition.
So its up to you, take the time you need to find where you are comfortable.


Just reach out, keep on writing, and chat with one of the hotlines if you feel like it.

There are many nice people out there.
And I like your nickname, by the way.

have a *hug* and a *kiss* (on the cheeks )

[Dena]

Now we have a starting point. First, I consider myself a woman and have been half my life. I have not suppressed the other half of my life because it is what made me what I am. My skill set is a combination both lifetimes but my gender has always been female even though there were parts of my life where I didn't understand it. What made puberty such a hell for me is that my brain is a passive female brain and all those hormones ponding on it trying to make it aggressive just didn't get along very well. That is one of the reason why I think we like the female hormones so much is because they block some of the production of male hormones.

Only you can say for sure if you are transgender but the way you talk is the same story I have heard from over a hundred others who were in treatment with me. Now the only transgender is a person who is pre surgical. After surgery if you were correctly reassigned, you no longer desire the change so you are no longer a TS. The discomfort with your current role and the desire to be in the other is what a transexual is all about. Yes I felt same, self loathing, I would have given anything to make it go away. I am a very stable happy person but that wasn't the way I felt for around 20 years of my life. I even reached the point where I hated my life so much I was inches of ending my life. That pushed me to the point where I told my parents and started working on my head with a doctor. The thing I needed was to enter the new role. Was it easy, no. At first I had fear and nerves but I was making progress by the end of the second year I ask myself a few questions. One was if the surgery wasn't available and you had the option of living this way or return to the male role, which would you pick. The answer was remain as I was. As I knew I never wanted to return to the male role the decision for surgery was very simple. After surgery the big difference in my life was I no longer had the option of standing up when I went to the bathroom. There were other advantages such as I could update my paper work but the real prize was the lifestyle. You need to find doctor that can help you with the mental health side and then think about testing the female role. It's not going to be easy but that is the only way I can see you finding happiness. If you don't attempt to help yourself, you will never get any better.

I know drug laws are different from country to country but if you are getting drugs from a doctor, you should ask him if he can find help for you. The other option I can think of is if there is a health clinic. American and European doctors would be good to approach if you don't trust the doctors of your own country. Because I had problems finding the right doctor, I was almost 10 years total in treatment. you know far more that what I knew so treatment could be faster for you. It will be a trip of many steps but the end is worth it. I understand you may not be able to afford the surgery but there are other options that will get you more or less the same thing. I don't want to discuss them with you until you have made some progress. It is possible the doctors might suggest them as well.

Please get out of that room and try to help your self. It will not get better if you don't make the effort.

[Rejennyrated]

I've had enough of this, maybe I was born to be some kind of woman but never a transwoman... a transwoman has to deal with things I am just not capable of.

thank you .

Could you explain a bit more about why you feel this? Personally I'm not sure I quite understand. You say "a transwoman has to deal with things I am just not capable of." Now admittedly I may have had an uncharacteristically easy time, but what sort of things are you so frightened of, because from where I'm sitting I can't really see the challenge.

It seems possible that this may be a cultural thing. I don't know where you live, but I do know some countries are more tricky than others. It's also true I am over 30 years down the track, but then back over 30 years ago transition and SRS was if anything more demanding than it is now. I'm not a particularly strong person and yet I went through it all without any diffculty - so perhaps if you could explain a little more precisely what is troubling you then maybe I or someone else can help better.

[Ms Grace]

Welcome to the forum.

When I started transition my counsellor told me that hormonal transition was, in many ways, the easier part of transition. Once you start taking them then you just stay on them and let them do their thing. The most difficult part of transition he suggested was social transition - that's where you integrate as your identified gender with society and family etc. I would say it certainly is hard becasue it takes a degree of confidence and certain skills (around presentation, clothes, hair, voice, etc) and social interaction skills that people of the opposite gender have had their whole life to hone. If you have never been outside as a woman then you have yet to experience that element of transition. Yes, social transition can be difficult and terrifying but my experience has been that it was ultimately the key ingredient to living as my identified gender. For me, being able to put aside my fears and get out the door and interact with people as a woman became the key component to feeling happy about myself and my transition.

But this has been my second attempt at transition. When I was about your age I started HRT and was on it for over two years. I had gone out as "Julie" several times and had the support of friends. But I had zero confidence and like you felt miserable and jealous about the women that I wished I could have been. I came close to suicide on at least two occasions and was struggling with depression. Ultimately I decided to stop hormones, I detransitioned and spent the next twenty years denying that I was trans even though I knew I wanted to be a woman. So there is nothing wrong with detransitioning but please keep in mind it usually brings back all the previous feelings. It's a struggle, there's no denying it.

I'm glad your seeing therapists, perhaps talk to them about ways you can build your confidence and start working on getting out the door presenting as a woman. It need only be for a short time, make sure you feel safe and that you have easy options to stay safe. Once you build up your confidence then maybe stretch those activities by interacting with other people.

[melbunny]

First, hav a *hug*

Please understand you are not alone.
There are many people feeling this way.

If you are really depressed please reach out and call or chat here :
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112545.0.html
Do it ! trevorproject for example has a chat...
should they ask where you are from simply say you don't want to tell.

The therapy you started, is this a person knowledgable with gender issues so they could help you along ?

You might try to do this step by step.

First, there are not only small women. Many models are over 6' tall, and transgender people tend to have long feet, which people usually find attractive.

You might start slow for example, with a few womens trousers and sweaters... second hand stores could be a good source.
It can be fun to try out.

You could try this step by step, growing hair a bit... using a nourishing product for your face, maye some oil based like jojoba (unless allergic)...

concerning voice, things that can be done quite quickly are speaking a bit softer and a bit breathy...
this all can be fun...

in my opinion its not good to try to supress parts of you.
You might simply try to do a few things you feel bring you joy, instead of wishing to be a boy.
Its a step by step process. Just do one step after the other.

You could look for some support... there might be support groups, meetup groups etc. An lgbt center... And you can look for friends at susans, after 15 messages you can text with others.

You might look up a brochure for the british NHS called "doh-transgender-experiences.pdf" . Only thing I would disagree with is page 7, where they state stress, instead many experience relief.
It states that being trans has some biological connections, which is imo socially a bit better acceptable, and it might help with self acceptance.
So its nobodys fault, neither theirs nor their parents upbringing etc.
They give a broad palette of responses, from crossdressing from time to time to full transition.
So its up to you, take the time you need to find where you are comfortable.


Just reach out, keep on writing, and chat with one of the hotlines if you feel like it.

There are many nice people out there.
And I like your nickname, by the way.

have a *hug* and a *kiss* (on the cheeks )

First of all, thank you.

Yes my therapist deals with gender stuff.

Yes that's what we always hear isn't it? That there are 6' women, but that doesn't really help me... I go out and I get on a bus line or so and I am always taller than every woman, I wear shoe size 11 (US women) which is huge, while most women are size 7 or so. I am not saying there are no tall women with big foot, I am just saying it makes me feel terrible to be so different, I always feel so jealous. A few days ago a beautiful woman sat next to me on the bus and I kept looking through the window so I wouldn't notice how different we are. How her tiny perfectly manicured hands look next to mine, how my shoulders are too broad, how everything is just so... off.

Yes i do wear women jeans, skinny jeans, i have wide hips and big thighs... I pass even when i wear men clothes (until I start talking). I have had many women clothes, many neutral sort of clothes but i had to hide everything from my parents, i can't wear them outside and sometimes when i put them on i just feel awful of how my waist isn't thin enough, how my shoulders aren't narrow enough, how my breasts aren't big enough... the clothes are now just bringing more sadness.

I have a long hair, too long actually, reaching my butt... which makes me worry everyday, everytime I lose a strand it's like a stab in the heart, I worry about hair loss 24/7, I am so scared of it... I want the worry to stop, I want the fear to stop!

About the voice, I tried... many times... I really did, I was never able to get anywhere...

Dressing as a woman doesn't bring me joy anymore, maybe a short-term happiness that goes away as soon as i see how other women are different than me.

I wish I was a boy but not in a physical way, I wish I had a boy's head. I wish I was into what's stereotypical men stuff like sports, women, cars, idk... something besides my appearance... something that is not make up, hairstyles, clothing, getting thin and getting big boobs... I can't seek happiness in superficial things like this cause I will get old someday.

Thank you for your kind words.

*hug* and *kiss*

Now we have a starting point. First, I consider myself a woman and have been half my life. I have not suppressed the other half of my life because it is what made me what I am. My skill set is a combination both lifetimes but my gender has always been female even though there were parts of my life where I didn't understand it. What made puberty such a hell for me is that my brain is a passive female brain and all those hormones ponding on it trying to make it aggressive just didn't get along very well. That is one of the reason why I think we like the female hormones so much is because they block some of the production of male hormones.

Only you can say for sure if you are transgender but the way you talk is the same story I have heard from over a hundred others who were in treatment with me. Now the only transgender is a person who is pre surgical. After surgery if you were correctly reassigned, you no longer desire the change so you are no longer a TS. The discomfort with your current role and the desire to be in the other is what a transexual is all about. Yes I felt same, self loathing, I would have given anything to make it go away. I am a very stable happy person but that wasn't the way I felt for around 20 years of my life. I even reached the point where I hated my life so much I was inches of ending my life. That pushed me to the point where I told my parents and started working on my head with a doctor. The thing I needed was to enter the new role. Was it easy, no. At first I had fear and nerves but I was making progress by the end of the second year I ask myself a few questions. One was if the surgery wasn't available and you had the option of living this way or return to the male role, which would you pick. The answer was remain as I was. As I knew I never wanted to return to the male role the decision for surgery was very simple. After surgery the big difference in my life was I no longer had the option of standing up when I went to the bathroom. There were other advantages such as I could update my paper work but the real prize was the lifestyle. You need to find doctor that can help you with the mental health side and then think about testing the female role. It's not going to be easy but that is the only way I can see you finding happiness. If you don't attempt to help yourself, you will never get any better.

I know drug laws are different from country to country but if you are getting drugs from a doctor, you should ask him if he can find help for you. The other option I can think of is if there is a health clinic. American and European doctors would be good to approach if you don't trust the doctors of your own country. Because I had problems finding the right doctor, I was almost 10 years total in treatment. you know far more that what I knew so treatment could be faster for you. It will be a trip of many steps but the end is worth it. I understand you may not be able to afford the surgery but there are other options that will get you more or less the same thing. I don't want to discuss them with you until you have made some progress. It is possible the doctors might suggest them as well.

Please get out of that room and try to help your self. It will not get better if you don't make the effort.

I am not sure if i can even get a surgery, as I mentioned before: I mutilate myself...

I am not sure if i even want a surgery, what is the point? men still treat transwoman as freaks afterwards, I am afraid of even trying to meet someone cause i know they will reject me, I can't tell you how many times people ran away from me after they found out about me.

If it was not enough to be rejected by my own parents, my own family, my own friends and myself I am also rejected by people I would like to date.

I have been to many psychiatrist and endocrinologists, some of them treated me like a freak as well, took my meds away, called me an abomination. I've been to exorcist priests (yea, my family made me go).  I took prozac, valium, medication for schizophrenic people, for "psychotic attacks"... for everything. they gave me so much stuff i could barely stand up.

I have tried to go to college and I can't stand it, I can't stand how the women are pretty and small and beautiful and I am such a monster. I can't stand the other kids making fun of me cause I am so different.

My life got to a point where I can't accomplish anymore, I can't do anything, not even answer a phone or go to the supermarket buy some bread... everything is insanely painful and difficult.

I am unable to leave this room, I am barely able to get out of bed, I am using all my strengths to type this right now...

Could you explain a bit more about why you feel this? Personally I'm not sure I quite understand. You say "a transwoman has to deal with things I am just not capable of." Now admittedly I may have had an uncharacteristically easy time, but what sort of things are you so frightened of, because from where I'm sitting I can't really see the challenge.

It seems possible that this may be a cultural thing. I don't know where you live, but I do know some countries are more tricky than others. It's also true I am over 30 years down the track, but then back over 30 years ago transition and SRS was if anything more demanding than it is now. I'm not a particularly strong person and yet I went through it all without any diffculty - so perhaps if you could explain a little more precisely what is troubling you then maybe I or someone else can help better.

Yes, a ciswoman doesn't have to worry about male pattern baldness, they don't have to worry about prostate cancer (yes you can have it even after SRS), they don't have to worry about partners dumping them because of their genitals or their past, they don't have to worry about bathrooms, about gender judgement, even if they are tall and with big feet they don't have to worry about that being men stuff, she is still a woman, she knows that, she is sure of that, there is no doubt of that... ever.

I am not saying a transwoman is not a woman, they are 100% women, but I feel like as a transwoman I have to deal with those questions in my head 24/7, i look in the mirror and i think men or women?, i see someone in the street and i wonder if they see me as men or women, i think about buying a piece of clothing and i think men or women? it is unbearable.

When I first started HRT i couldn't see any challenge, it was smooth sailing, i was optimistic, I thought things would get better but they don't... they just get worse, and worse... a new problem always comes up, a new worry... nothing is ever 'female' enough. If you are just starting your transition I think you may find it easy, but it's not... at least to me, it is not.

Welcome to the forum.

When I started transition my counsellor told me that hormonal transition was, in many ways, the easier part of transition. Once you start taking them then you just stay on them and let them do their thing. The most difficult part of transition he suggested was social transition - that's where you integrate as your identified gender with society and family etc. I would say it certainly is hard becasue it takes a degree of confidence and certain skills (around presentation, clothes, hair, voice, etc) and social interaction skills that people of the opposite gender have had their whole life to hone. If you have never been outside as a woman then you have yet to experience that element of transition. Yes, social transition can be difficult and terrifying but my experience has been that it was ultimately the key ingredient to living as my identified gender. For me, being able to put aside my fears and get out the door and interact with people as a woman became the key component to feeling happy about myself and my transition.

But this has been my second attempt at transition. When I was about your age I started HRT and was on it for over two years. I had gone out as "Julie" several times and had the support of friends. But I had zero confidence and like you felt miserable and jealous about the women that I wished I could have been. I came close to suicide on at least two occasions and was struggling with depression. Ultimately I decided to stop hormones, I detransitioned and spent the next twenty years denying that I was trans even though I knew I wanted to be a woman. So there is nothing wrong with detransitioning but please keep in mind it usually brings back all the previous feelings. It's a struggle, there's no denying it.

I'm glad your seeing therapists, perhaps talk to them about ways you can build your confidence and start working on getting out the door presenting as a woman. It need only be for a short time, make sure you feel safe and that you have easy options to stay safe. Once you build up your confidence then maybe stretch those activities by interacting with other people.

I feel for you, I am unable of doing social transition and to be honest I don't know if i even want it... seems too much responsibility, I feel like life would get even harder...

I just want to be a boy, a real one... I wanted to be one in my head, be into men stuff, be carefree... that is what i want the most, be carefree, i am so sick of worrying about every single thing i do... it's KILLING ME!

I want to be a woman, I really do, but not a transwoman... I don't want the questions and the worries we have... it's too much.

I can't really go out as a woman, I live with my parents so... it is not an option, plus i don't even feel like it, this whole transition thing solved a few problems and brought a million others.

before my 'transition' i couldn't even look myself in the mirror, i spent 4 years or so without being able to look at myself in a mirror and now i do but i am still unhappy... i am always unhappy, nothing is ever good enough, nothing brings me peace.

[kelly_aus]

Detransition? How can you do that when you haven't even really transitioned? All you've done is take some hormones. Where is your self-acceptance? You don't seem to have accepted that you are a woman.. As for the jealousy of other women? Guess what, every woman looks at other women sometimes and says, 'I wish my X was more like hers.' It's part of being a woman. I don't know where you live, but where I live, women come in all sorts of shapes and sizes.. And all the things about myself that I don't like, I can find on other women, well, except one and even then there's a few women that have the same issue, trans women aren't all that uncommon.

I'm trans.. I'm also a mother, a grandmother, a daughter, a niece, a friend and a woman - all of those are far higher up my list of important things than my trans history is. I have no shame or guilt for being trans, it's simply a medical condition that I sought the treatment I needed for. I know I'm a woman and accepted that quite some time ago.

[JoanneB]

I am a good 6 years on HRT now. Have a B cup, look not bad for an old bat. I worry about my height (6ft w/o heels), my weight (former fatty at 250, gains weight smelling food), my hair (balding since 14), my voice (deeper then most males and a long time stutterer). I can go on but won't.  In my early 20's I twice experimented with transitioning. Twice stopped over how I looked and was treated. Twice stopped because all I thought I was was "Some guy in a dress"

Some 30+ years later I brazenly ventured out into the sunshine once again as the real me. I did so to feel good about myself... to feel genuine. In some some way. I was dabbling. Eventually went-time. I still live and present primarily as male due to other circumstances.

[Kitty June]

I'm so sorry that your life is where it is at right now. To be living with people that don't support you must be crushing. I hope you will be able to put them behind you someday.
I'm lucky that I have a GF and her offspring that accept me for I am. Her child has helped me with makeup and clothing and helped me feel less self conscious. I'm 46 and only taking Spiro.
Younger people today seem less judgmental on a person gender or sexual orientation.
That wasn't meant to make you feel sad though. I am just trying to say that self acceptance is the biggest thing. I used to tell people all the time that " it doesn't matter " what other people do or say. It's your life and you need to make YOU happy. Unfortunately, I didn't apply it to myself and suppressed who I was because I worried about what others thought.
For the most part, other people are to worried about their own lives to care what you do. Sure, they will think your strange or a little different. Who cares? They don't. Even if they bother to comment or be rude, they are just some other idiot in the world and you may never see them again.
It's been a challenge for me to accept this deep down myself. I'm still self conscious when I go out. I put on makeup but dress like a guy most of the time. Talk about mixed messages. But each time I do it, it gives me confidence.   
Most people are too busy with their lives to care what you do, 
Fear and self hate are the biggest things keeping you from being happy.
I wish you the best of luck and I hope you have a therapist that you can really talk to about this.
Hugs 



Ella

[Dena]

I am not sure if i can even get a surgery, as I mentioned before: I mutilate myself...

I am not sure if i even want a surgery, what is the point? men still treat transwoman as freaks afterwards, I am afraid of even trying to meet someone cause i know they will reject me, I can't tell you how many times people ran away from me after they found out about me.

If it was not enough to be rejected by my own parents, my own family, my own friends and myself I am also rejected by people I would like to date.

I have been to many psychiatrist and endocrinologists, some of them treated me like a freak as well, took my meds away, called me an abomination. I've been to exorcist priests (yea, my family made me go).  I took prozac, valium, medication for schizophrenic people, for "psychotic attacks"... for everything. they gave me so much stuff i could barely stand up.

I have tried to go to college and I can't stand it, I can't stand how the women are pretty and small and beautiful and I am such a monster. I can't stand the other kids making fun of me cause I am so different.

My life got to a point where I can't accomplish anymore, I can't do anything, not even answer a phone or go to the supermarket buy some bread... everything is insanely painful and difficult.

I am unable to leave this room, I am barely able to get out of bed, I am using all my strengths to type this right now...

Surgery is always possible but the more you damage yourself the worst the results.

You have two options. You can stay in that room for the rest of your life or you can make a life you want to live. Making the life you want isn't going to be easy and it will not match your current dreams. You say you are large. So am I. I am over 6 foot tall and I will never get small but yet I am happy. I have overcome the problems in my life and yes I don't have a man in my life, but if I really wanted one, I would find a way to get one. Some people in my country consider me a freak but I don't let that bother me because there are good people out there as well. You may need to teach them by example that you are a good person but you can't do that from your room. If you think of yourself as a freak you will be a freak. If you think you are special, you can make yourself special. Stop letting your culture tell you what to think and start living your own life. Your country can't stay backward forever.

Feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to give you the future you want, only hard work will. Now is the time to decide what you want and work for it.

[katrinaw]

Honey... have lots of hugs from me...

So I've been on HRT for 5 years now, I am 22.

I have never skipped a day of meds, I could say I am addicted to hormones. I have grown breasts, hips, thighs, i gained a lot of weight, I got stretch marks, cellulite... woman stuff.

You are luckier than many... I would die for good hips and thighs...

I am a good looking "woman" I guess, however I have never left my house as a woman.

My parents won't support me plus I am terrified of it, what people would think, the people who would see me. It's scary. I lost all my friends, I only have online friends now.

Did you lose your friends because you came out to them, or did you just stay inside, and I do understand how that can happen, as it did for a while for me... I didn't fit, lots in common with women, not the same with men, but apart from a few close women friends I did not fit there either. I actually went out of my way to be with my women friends when ever I could and if they grouped with other friends... It is very important that you mix, no matter which way you dress, you are who you know you are... dress is just a covering... 

When I first started HRT I thought everything would change I would finally be happy but that is not what happened, I am more miserable than ever, I worry 24/7 about a possible hair loss, I worry about my weight, my height, I worry about EVERY SINGLE thing that is wrong with me. I go out (as a boy) and I look at young, skinny, tiny woman and I feel horrible, I feel insanely jealous, sad and miserable. I am too tall, my foot may be too big, my hands may be too big, my voice is awful.

Do you suffer with MPB? do you have receding hairline or bald patches yet?
If not, then you won't once on HRT... I was badly MPB'd by 21, I am now 62 (oops  ) and after all those years my hair has been very slowly (very slowly) recovering... but I will never be able to go out without a hairpiece (wig) in place... its what it is. As others have said, CIS women come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, height, weight, shape.. etc. Muscly as well, some have very broad shoulders, chins and brow shapes are all there too.... guess what; they don't get uptight about it, they have fun and wear make up or exaggerate other parts of their bodies to take eyes away from any parts they are uncomfortable with.
I have not come out... wife, family and income reasons, but I do go out, well go out driving and for walks etc... still not quite brave to shop as me yet... but soon... We are our own worst enemies at what we think is not right, by being paranoid we probably attract attention to ourselves... Women give off an air of confidence... always, once I understood that I realised that's what I need to get right... confidence... the rest follows. Believe me (the worlds biggest coward, but controlling that and changing, daily..)
Pfff voice, that can be trained or operated on, I hear deep or croaky voiced CIS women all the time... Look... the world and people is huge, we are all different, you'll fit in, you will 

I have been single since 2007, I don't have courage to even try dating, people just leave me... and to be honest I don't think i even want it anymore, nothing makes sense anymore, none of my hobbies make me happy, nothing make me happy... I try to study and i can't focus, i can't do anything anymore, I am constantly being smashed by my insecurities and fears and low self esteem.

You can lift your self esteem, set some goals, be positive, we all, disregarding our transgender status, go through rough and hellish times, but we aim at some goals and strive for them... focusing on goals and plans, targets etc. de-focuses you from miserable things... you can do it, you have the support of everyone here, showing determination will probably bring support from some of your family too...

I am living a hell inside my own head and i just want it to stop... I want to be a boy, a normal one, be happy with what i have, stop caring about woman stuff, make up, heels, clothes, babies... I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE.

I have attempted suicide dozen of times, I have mutilated myself and I just can't handle this anymore... is there any help for me? can i be a boy?

This is gonna sound awful but I hear about people with cancer and I wish it was me... I wish i had a disease that would take my pain away. this is just too much to bear... i have been in therapy since this whole thing started and nothing ever helped me, nothing...

If you stop, you may get relief, but trust me having moved back to conforming to society many times, I keep coming back to who I really am, each time more powerful urges than the previous.

When I was a very young kid I used to get so close to cutting my bits off, I still hate them, that's never gone away, but focusing on other things helps... I chose house renovations and my work in IT... got totally buried in both, but I still got my GID spells... they never went, I had to manage those times really hard, now I have no energy left to do it... just waiting for 2 important ticks in the box and there will be no going back....

So you need to understand your self, I suspect you have lost focus on who you really are and trying to take a safe ground place, but you don't want to....

Set a plan with some milestone goals and aspire to those...

And of course not hurting yourself, its not an answer at all...

Seek out helplines, be open and honest with your therapist, see others...

But most importantly get face to face with people, be positive and honest.

L Katy 

[melbunny]

Detransition? How can you do that when you haven't even really transitioned? All you've done is take some hormones. Where is your self-acceptance? You don't seem to have accepted that you are a woman.. As for the jealousy of other women? Guess what, every woman looks at other women sometimes and says, 'I wish my X was more like hers.' It's part of being a woman. I don't know where you live, but where I live, women come in all sorts of shapes and sizes.. And all the things about myself that I don't like, I can find on other women, well, except one and even then there's a few women that have the same issue, trans women aren't all that uncommon.

I'm trans.. I'm also a mother, a grandmother, a daughter, a niece, a friend and a woman - all of those are far higher up my list of important things than my trans history is. I have no shame or guilt for being trans, it's simply a medical condition that I sought the treatment I needed for. I know I'm a woman and accepted that quite some time ago.

Well, i disagree, i think i did transition. I didn't only 'took a few hormones' I've been on HRT for 5 years and many people know me as woman even though i don't really go outside wearing women clothes.

It's not about the physical part of it anyway, that part doesn't matter. Transitioning socially would only make all the things i feel a million times worse...

I am talking about the thousand insecurities we deal with, and I know it is not only me... I am talking about the jealousy and all that feeling that nothing is ever 'female' enough.

I find transwoman beautiful... I also find transmen beautiful, they are all beautiful human beings and I wish the best for them. For me, however, it's been very difficult. I may not be able to do it, I may not be psychologically stable enough like you guys, It's too hard for me...

I am a good 6 years on HRT now. Have a B cup, look not bad for an old bat. I worry about my height (6ft w/o heels), my weight (former fatty at 250, gains weight smelling food), my hair (balding since 14), my voice (deeper then most males and a long time stutterer). I can go on but won't.  In my early 20's I twice experimented with transitioning. Twice stopped over how I looked and was treated. Twice stopped because all I thought I was was "Some guy in a dress"

Some 30+ years later I brazenly ventured out into the sunshine once again as the real me. I did so to feel good about myself... to feel genuine. In some some way. I was dabbling. Eventually went-time. I still live and present primarily as male due to other circumstances.

I worry about all that and it's just too much for me. I don't want to worry anymore. I want it to stop.

Yes I have to live and present myself as a boy as well because of circumstances  but besides that, I did almost everything a tg women can do to be a woman... and it's still pure sadness and worries.

I'm so sorry that your life is where it is at right now. To be living with people that don't support you must be crushing. I hope you will be able to put them behind you someday.
I'm lucky that I have a GF and her offspring that accept me for I am. Her child has helped me with makeup and clothing and helped me feel less self conscious. I'm 46 and only taking Spiro.
Younger people today seem less judgmental on a person gender or sexual orientation.
That wasn't meant to make you feel sad though. I am just trying to say that self acceptance is the biggest thing. I used to tell people all the time that " it doesn't matter " what other people do or say. It's your life and you need to make YOU happy. Unfortunately, I didn't apply it to myself and suppressed who I was because I worried about what others thought.
For the most part, other people are to worried about their own lives to care what you do. Sure, they will think your strange or a little different. Who cares? They don't. Even if they bother to comment or be rude, they are just some other idiot in the world and you may never see them again.
It's been a challenge for me to accept this deep down myself. I'm still self conscious when I go out. I put on makeup but dress like a guy most of the time. Talk about mixed messages. But each time I do it, it gives me confidence.   
Most people are too busy with their lives to care what you do, 
Fear and self hate are the biggest things keeping you from being happy.
I wish you the best of luck and I hope you have a therapist that you can really talk to about this.
Hugs 



Ella

Are you just starting Spiro?.

. So you start self mutilating.

You end up in the hospital, tells yourself it's gonna be okay, you won't do it again and a few months later you are hurting yourself once again.

Nothing changes though, nothing ever does, the worries just increase, the fears, the insecurities, the questions.

That's how it is to me.

Surgery is always possible but the more you damage yourself the worst the results.

You have two options. You can stay in that room for the rest of your life or you can make a life you want to live. Making the life you want isn't going to be easy and it will not match your current dreams. You say you are large. So am I. I am over 6 foot tall and I will never get small but yet I am happy. I have overcome the problems in my life and yes I don't have a man in my life, but if I really wanted one, I would find a way to get one. Some people in my country consider me a freak but I don't let that bother me because there are good people out there as well. You may need to teach them by example that you are a good person but you can't do that from your room. If you think of yourself as a freak you will be a freak. If you think you are special, you can make yourself special. Stop letting your culture tell you what to think and start living your own life. Your country can't stay backward forever.

Feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to give you the future you want, only hard work will. Now is the time to decide what you want and work for it.

Those are all very pretty and optimistic advices but you can't just push a button and things will be okay. I don't find myself a freak because I am a freak, I do because people treat me like freak.

The only few times i leave my room things just get worse, i see how different i am, how ugly, how wrong... I guess i hate myself too... I just want to go back in my bed and hide under the covers forever. The whole exposure therapy thing didn't work with me.

Honey... have lots of hugs from me...

You are luckier than many... I would die for good hips and thighs...

Did you lose your friends because you came out to them, or did you just stay inside, and I do understand how that can happen, as it did for a while for me... I didn't fit, lots in common with women, not the same with men, but apart from a few close women friends I did not fit there either. I actually went out of my way to be with my women friends when ever I could and if they grouped with other friends... It is very important that you mix, no matter which way you dress, you are who you know you are... dress is just a covering... 

Do you suffer with MPB? do you have receding hairline or bald patches yet?
If not, then you won't once on HRT... I was badly MPB'd by 21, I am now 62 (oops  ) and after all those years my hair has been very slowly (very slowly) recovering... but I will never be able to go out without a hairpiece (wig) in place... its what it is. As others have said, CIS women come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, height, weight, shape.. etc. Muscly as well, some have very broad shoulders, chins and brow shapes are all there too.... guess what; they don't get uptight about it, they have fun and wear make up or exaggerate other parts of their bodies to take eyes away from any parts they are uncomfortable with.
I have not come out... wife, family and income reasons, but I do go out, well go out driving and for walks etc... still not quite brave to shop as me yet... but soon... We are our own worst enemies at what we think is not right, by being paranoid we probably attract attention to ourselves... Women give off an air of confidence... always, once I understood that I realised that's what I need to get right... confidence... the rest follows. Believe me (the worlds biggest coward, but controlling that and changing, daily..)
Pfff voice, that can be trained or operated on, I hear deep or croaky voiced CIS women all the time... Look... the world and people is huge, we are all different, you'll fit in, you will 

You can lift your self esteem, set some goals, be positive, we all, disregarding our transgender status, go through rough and hellish times, but we aim at some goals and strive for them... focusing on goals and plans, targets etc. de-focuses you from miserable things... you can do it, you have the support of everyone here, showing determination will probably bring support from some of your family too...

If you stop, you may get relief, but trust me having moved back to conforming to society many times, I keep coming back to who I really am, each time more powerful urges than the previous.

When I was a very young kid I used to get so close to cutting my bits off, I still hate them, that's never gone away, but focusing on other things helps... I chose house renovations and my work in IT... got totally buried in both, but I still got my GID spells... they never went, I had to manage those times really hard, now I have no energy left to do it... just waiting for 2 important ticks in the box and there will be no going back....

So you need to understand your self, I suspect you have lost focus on who you really are and trying to take a safe ground place, but you don't want to....

Set a plan with some milestone goals and aspire to those...

And of course not hurting yourself, its not an answer at all...

Seek out helplines, be open and honest with your therapist, see others...

But most importantly get face to face with people, be positive and honest.

L Katy 

Hi, thanks for the hugs.

Yea, well I do have hips and thighs but I also look like a zebra down there, completely covered with stretch marks (cyproteorne side effect)

Well, i sort of had ONE friend and he left me, like, he really blocked me on IM and ignored all my attempts of talking to him.

I don't have MPB but I am scared I might get it someday, I heard about people who got it even after srs...

I understand that there are women in different sizes and shapes, I guess knowing that made me feel better all these years... like Paris Hilton is a size 11, Geena Davis is 6 feet tall... but when I go out and I look at other women, they are usually small, with tiny feet... I am even taller than most guys, oh, it feels awful.

I tried training the voice, it didn't work...

Those short moments that i dress up, i feel happy, i feel complete. But then i wonder, how long is this gonna last? when am i gonna lose my hair? when am i gonna get old and ugly again?. I can't let my happiness be based on my looks anymore, it is killing me... I loved feeling complete but I can't live in doubt, in worries, in fear... I just wish i could be carefree, accept myself as a boy and just... be happy.

I actually chopped my gonads off... they didn't send me to a mad house though, apparently transgender people doing that kind of stuff is just another day at the office.

Yes i lost focus, i lost everything, i can't accomplish anything anymore. I failed college tons of times, I am too scared to try dating, I am scared to do anything. My thoughts haunt me whenever i go, whatever i do... i cry randomly during the day, i think about death constantly, it seems to me that there is no compromise that could be done. it's either die or die 

thank you.





Mod edit - discussion of self medication is against TOS 8

[Rejennyrated]

Yes, a ciswoman doesn't have to worry about male pattern baldness, they don't have to worry about prostate cancer (yes you can have it even after SRS), they don't have to worry about partners dumping them because of their genitals or their past, they don't have to worry about bathrooms, about gender judgement, even if they are tall and with big feet they don't have to worry about that being men stuff, she is still a woman, she knows that, she is sure of that, there is no doubt of that... ever.

Oh I see! I'm so sorry, you are having these worries. I can however say that with some of your concerns, your own fear may be painting you a worse picture than reality.

For example In over 30 years of living as a post-op woman I have never worried about bathrooms, never had a lover dump me, in fact I had two partnerships post-op, one of which lasted for twenty five years and only ended when I was widowed.

As for the doubts, I suppose my answer is that as I can't know what it is to be any other human being other than myself, worrying about whether I am a genuine woman or not, is not something I see as productive. I prefer to ask am I genuinely "myself"? And the answer to that is of course yes. I leave the gendering of me to others, and I am happy to report than in the 30 years the result is pretty unanimous in favour of my being female. So I guess I genuinely don't have any doubts - ever!

I don't know how you can reach that mindset of certainty, but I do know that it is possible, because I did. So on the whole i would concur with those who advise intensive therapy and possibly CBT or mindfulness as a way forward.

I am not saying a transwoman is not a woman, they are 100% women, but I feel like as a transwoman I have to deal with those questions in my head 24/7, i look in the mirror and i think men or women?, i see someone in the street and i wonder if they see me as men or women, i think about buying a piece of clothing and i think men or women? it is unbearable.

I hear your concern, confusion even, and I understand now how that must feel unsettling. Thankfully it is not something I have ever had to deal with, perhaps the advantage of having initially transitioned whilst I was still a child. For those of you who have to do this later in life, I understand that it must feel somewhat insecure at times. Again I can't really suggest anything but a lot of meditation and therapy.

When I first started HRT i couldn't see any challenge, it was smooth sailing, i was optimistic, I thought things would get better but they don't... they just get worse, and worse... a new problem always comes up, a new worry... nothing is ever 'female' enough. If you are just starting your transition I think you may find it easy, but it's not... at least to me, it is not.

Actually I transitioned and had surgery well over 30 years ago so I am certainly not "just starting". All I can say is for me they did get easier, and I dare to hope that they will for you too.

The trick for me was to stop comparing myself with others, stop worring about what I was not, and instead focus on what I am (or would be). Once I started to think positively, as in seein the glass as half full, things started to feel better.

That is really all I can offer. I hope in may be of some help.

[Laura_7]

*hugs*

Just feel yourself hugged... from everyone here giving you advice... come here and to other places and keep communicating *hugs*


Calm down and try to relax. And I'd say in every situation. Take a few deep breaths and relax.

Your situation is much better than you imagine.

Now lets get a few things out of the way.
In my opinion, it takes only two things for you to get better.
The first thing is self acceptance.
Findings nowadays say being transgender is biological. There are findings that transgender peoples brains resemble those of their desired gender. This has to do with triggering of hormone levels before birth.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,186458.msg1664590.html#msg1664590
There is a brochure with easy understandable pictures which can be shown.
This is the understanding of science for some time, which starts to become widespread.
So its nobodys fault. Neither that of the trans persons nor that of other people. It just is.
Your culture has used that for positive reasons. Trans people were used as intermediaries because of their understanding outside of traditional male or female. Trans people have always been around, in all cultures.

So its something that just is. Of course there is a spectrum, but you are one of many. *hugs*


The second one is persistency.

Yes there might be some distractions.
Just keep on and concentrate on the positive. Its like a gardener watering weeds instead of the flowers.
There are many people accepting, just passing by, not noticing or being accepting.
Don't concentrate on the ones who are not. Concentrate on positive things that bring you joy.

Its like the water going around obstacles...

Now a few things...

don't compare yourself to others. Work with what you have. Every being has positive sides. Work with them and appreciate them, build on them.

Know that concerning beauty culture there are always perceived flaws. Its suggested by magazines etc.
Find some sides of you you like, and build on them.

Concerning hair, its statistically normal to lose 100 hairs per day. Thats average and completely normal. So just relax.

Concerning voice, many people say its one of the hardest things to do. But its really not if you know: it takes consistent training.
A few minutes every day, reading in a bit higher voice, and with more intonation (voice going up and down within words and sentences). And a bit softer and breathy. Never overstrain your voice. In the beginning its mostly a few minutes a day. It takes a few weeks, then you might feel like a click and you are in a higher register. Keep on for a few more weeks and it will improve. Its only a few minutes every day. But it should be done daily.

Another idea might be thinking about spreading the dose throughout the day. Like taking 4 small doses instead of one or two big ones. That way the levels might be more consistent and better for mood.

Now I bet you look great in your clothes. Don't let your fears get you down. Work consistently on them, step by step.
There are people out there who like you for who you are, as personality. Body parts are not the only decisive thing.

Just keep working on it, do something to get out a bit, and you will eventually meet some people who can accept you.

Have some fresh air, take a deep breath and enjoy some life. Baby steps, one by one.

have a big *hug*

[Mariah]

I can understand that your frustrated that things haven't worked out the way you have hoped. Have you tried telling your docor's and therapist this. Maybe there is something that they can do differently. Not everyone responds the same to hormones and the various delivery systems along with the different blockers too. Let them know your having a hard time with this because the only way they can fix something that is broken is if you communicate it to them. I know when my endo adjusted my hormone levels downward onetime things went all haywire. I made sure to inform him so he could deal with it before things became worse than they already were. Transitioning is never easy and everyone experience and mileage will differ. The fact you can pass sounds like you have a lot going for you and you just might not be able to see it because your living it and I get that. Each of us are our own worst critic and when we don't see the response were expecting we often start assuming the worst even if that isn't the cause. I can only hope you will see the professional help from your doctors and therapist that you need in addition to being her because every life is important and valuable. If you feel like you have the need to hurt yourself then please contact one of the helplines. Good luck and hugs
Mariah