Two Firsts, Twice the Terror

[Valwen]

Ok we met and wow so much envy, not really bad envy heck most women who meet her likely feel some envy, 6ish feet tall skinny, long legs, dirty blond hair. She is so passable its tough for me who has known her forever to think about where she started out. Based just on appearance I should feel attracted to her, but I have known her so long she is more like a sister. as I knew we have nothing really in common we talked a bit about random things, mostly about me and what I have been doing doctors and lazer and therapy and such. It looks like we will probably get together at least once or twice more before she has to leave, and I look foward to it.

This week has been so positive, starting with going out in public for the first time to therapy, my birthday with a card from my mother addresed to Serena, through reactivating my facebook account wednesday night and changeing my name and gender on it, outing myself to several more people in the process all of whom where totally accepting and supportive, after meeting my friend i did some shopping Kmart had tons of sales, sadly two of the shirts wont fit me but I got a few awsome skirts, and sorta outed myself to the cashier. she asked if it was for a birthday I said yes, she then remarked that guys usually cant match clothing, i replied "well the birthday is mine" she gave me a Ohh then smiled and was even more friendly about my order. (note I dont consider myself any good at all with clothing so I thought it was great)

Now tomorrow I may end up going all fem to a very public place where most everyone knows me if not by name than by appearance there will likely be 50+ people there at any given time, its been 5 days sense my first careful outing and I am seriously thinking of doing something very foward. Though it fits with how I have been doing lately before this week I was frustrated by the waiting till december to transision, this week though has given me such confidence and everyone I talk to seems to encourage me to go foward with it, voice, appearance, make up, exc. be damned start being me and then focus on being a better me, rather than trying to get everything perfect the first time out. Its scary and exciting and wonderful. I went from filled with fear and concern, sure I would loose everything and everyone and then 6-8 months later I am looking forward to moving forward, I haven't really lost anyone and I even have a non binary individual who plans on policing peoples pronoun use and they and there significant other both want to help and claim to be willing to fight someone over it, which I find a very noble and reassureing idea though hopefully never nessesary.

and as a final positive thing for the week I had blood work done on Wednesday and I was able to check the results today and after about 4 months on HRT my T levels are down to 34 well within the female range and E is at 141 a bit low for a woman but reasonably within a range, so yay my hormones.

Ok enough rambling if I am going to get up go find myself a new shirt to go with the great skirt I have, then get home, walk on the treadmill, shower shave and get ready to face my friends for the first time as myself I am going to need my sleep. over all this stage of my journey is going way faster than I thought it would, but I have been comfortable with myself all along. Now all I can wonder is, can being yourself improve your luck and make life easier when you assume it will only get harder?

Serena

[RavenL]

Serena, I'm so happy for you right now! I can really feel how positive you feel just by you're typing. Just keep the confidence up like you are right now and you'll do great!

Hugs from Raven who's very happy that Serena is happy

[Valwen]

Mabye I can get a hair cut today too. If I go through with this today I will be out to like 80% Of the people I know aside from like my mechanic and a few relatives I rarely see. Oh and work people. Nervous and excited and a bit hopeful. Nervcitedly hopeful. :-)

Serena

[RavenL]

That's great Serena! Hope the day goes great for you!

[Valwen]

ok so Friday was a bit of a mess at first getting everything ready, I do have a great story thursday on the way home I stopped to buy clothing for friday, got a few skirts some tops that matched them, (sadly two of the tops are too small and the last is a bit bleh. When I got to the cheak out the woman asked if it was someones birthday, I smiled because mine was tuesday and I was spending birthday money people gave me on the cloths and told her yes. She then commented on how she is suprised because guys usually cant match clothing, and so I said "ya...well the birthday is mine well smiling" she stopped for a second and said...ohh....OHH, I finished with a shrug and the word Ya. so ya sorta outed myself to a cashier.

then came friday sadly wanted to get my hair done but the place was closing and there was no time. got all dressed up, fought my way through make up and hair and spent the evening in a place with 50 grown men and a handful of women had a few people I know ask me what was going on, I explained it, I never heard a single negitive comment. only a few people used Serena but everyone was polite. On the upside I had another queer person and 5-6 other people there who knew and support me, but it never became an issue. sure lots of misgendering but it was there first time so I can't argue with it too hard.

Friday went so good that I decided to work my 5-midnight shift in the same store (which I work at twice a week) fem today, but this time I would not have most of the support one was supposed to be there but they have there own gender issues and depression to deal with and where a mess so stayed home, the owner did show up  later at night but for most of the day I was alone. I almost had one freak out but that was more screwing up a order related than transition related. When I first showed up one person made the comment, I can't belive how indiffrent you are. which I took as a compliment because I was half scared out of my mind. But ok there was a lot of staring and some shock but otherwise everything went very well. one person asked if this was a transision thing, it turns out a friend he had years ago transisioned FtM so they are at least familiar to a degree. Another friend of mine asked if I was still (old name) and I held up the buttons I was wearing my my shirt one that i made that reads "hello I am: Serena" the other that I bought that says "please use female pronouns She/Her/Hers" and that was that, they then pre appologized for probably messing it up sometimes.

So over all Today went great too, which brings up two new problems one for tomorrow. After the week I just had and the freeness to be me 3 out of 7 days as myself a few more at home often half dressed up just shorts bra and stuff not full blown make up but still. it was amazing and going back to boy costume and my other job tommrow is so so painful.

Then there is the long term question originally I was going to make a effort to try and socially transision in december 6 more months of hormones doing there thing 6 more months of practicing make up occasionally (like once a week at best) 6 more months of working on my hair (which is still hopeless, going to see a professional hopefully monday and hoping for a really clearly feminine hair cut, boy costume be damned). 6 more months of trying to figure out how to do a female voice and making little to no improvement.

So now I question all of that the hormones will work regardless of what I do, and my hair and make up will likely improve faster if I am using them more often, and I can keep working on my voice even after I transision so now I question if I should wait too long at all, Most of the people I asked and all the trans people I asked told me to go for it and forget what others may think, just be happy. The transgender people all told me that it wasent till full time or close to it that they where able to get real practice in and improve to a level they where happy with. I am not sure when I will be able to go full time, but right now I need to go shopping because I plan on presenting female on any day I leave the house and don't go to the job that I hate. So mostly just mondays, wednesdays, and Saturdays. Mabye more dependent on how my coming out at the other job goes.

Ok Gotta sleep, terrible non myself sunday coming fast.

--Serena, Who is startled and amazed by how decent everyone has been to me.

[RavenL]

So now I question all of that the hormones will work regardless of what I do, and my hair and make up will likely improve faster if I am using them more often, and I can keep working on my voice even after I transision so now I question if I should wait too long at all, Most of the people I asked and all the trans people I asked told me to go for it and forget what others may think, just be happy. The transgender people all told me that it wasent till full time or close to it that they where able to get real practice in and improve to a level they where happy with. I am not sure when I will be able to go full time, but right now I need to go shopping because I plan on presenting female on any day I leave the house and don't go to the job that I hate. So mostly just mondays, wednesdays, and Saturdays. Mabye more dependent on how my coming out at the other job goes.

Serena, Its really up to how you feel about going full time you'll know when you are ready. And really from the sound of it you are ready or gettig close to it. As I've said I haven't got on hormones yet but other then my job I'm going ahead and going full time starting Monday. So at least when I start hormones soon I'll already have a couple months of experience. Like all things it just takes practice, and you are very strong and can do it.

I do understand the "boy costume" it makes me sad having to put it on. And I'm really bad about showing my dislike and sadness of it. I really haven't figured out a good way around it yet other then not looking in my mirror when I'm in the "boy costume".

[Valwen]

Ya my costume includes pink sneakers, painted nails, lots of hand talking, and starting today gold hoop earrings. So it's a really poor costume. Though wow after two days of Serena freedom going back is more dysphoria inducing than before. So about an hour ago I came out to a junior manager at the job I assumed I will lose and her doesn't think it will be a problem, so now I am headed back to my department to ask my co-workers if they have ever worked with a transgender person before, and then out myself.

I blame most of this on becoming friends with some sorta queer superhero with the power to instill confidence and get people to be true to there inner truths. Thanks Jay.

Serena

[RavenL]

I'm jeleous of the earrings Serena! Can't work up the courage really hate stabbing thingys. Good luck on talking to your co-workers I kind of get the feeling that we may work for the same company just maybe.

[Valwen]

I doubt it's the same company it's a small supermarket chain in Massachusetts. I had my ears done back in like 2001. Thinking of getting them done again higher up. I used to just wear studs with my birth stone in them. But I bought rather expensive 14kg hoops under the pretence of wearing them larping (live action role playing.)

Really didn't hurt I got to hong hold a stuffed bear when they did it. Really it was keeping them clean and making sure they healed well that was the trouble.

Serena

[RavenL]

Not the same company then but we kind of do the same thing. Lets just say I know more about groceries then is safe for a normal human.

Maybe one day I'll get my ears done, I mean I kind of want them.

[Valwen]

Go for it, it's fast mostly painless and a lot of places will piece them for free if you buy earrings. The only time mine ever really gave me trouble I stupidly took them out when they where still healing. Then when I was putting then back in a short time later one didn't go through well it did it just didn't want to but I only bled for a little while do it's fine.

Ok that last comment may not be encouraging just take it as a warning dont take them out till it heals.

Serena

[RavenL]

Serena now you are making me cringe just thinking about it. One day maybe I'll get my courage up.

[Valwen]

Ok so today I got my hair cut, went to therapy and then ran a dungeons and dragons session. I still hate how I look but decide to change my profile pic so this is me, 4 months on her 5th time I have ever been presenting in public.

Serena

[RavenL]

Oh Serena you are pretty!

[Valwen]

no I really am not, but the haircut i got today will make the boy costume very very hard to pull off, something that dose not bother me at all. Though it may make work on Friday a bit interesting.

Ohh and getting your eyebrows waxed dose not really hurt as much as I thought it would.

Serena

[RavenL]

Waxing still scares me, it hurts really bad even when I pluck.

[Valwen]

It's like plucking all at once. It did leave me a bit swollen and sore nothing that wouldn't vanish in a day our two.

[RavenL]

All at once? Oh no, I get really close to crying when I pluck., don't really have a high pain tolerance.