When you dont even know yourself who you are ...

[xyz]

Hey
i dont know what to start with ... this ... situation is making me crazy. i will do a little descrition of myself first.

[I am from montreal,canada. 24 years old, and born as male. My main language is french, i will do my best to type in english .. lol i tell you sorry right now =D. I joinned the army at 17 but i am retired now..]
i work on cars, love weapon, good in all man jobs)

what make me different?
I like to dress like a girl since i am a kid but always hided it... it is stronger than me. it is a need! sometimes i imagine myself as a girl when i look into the mirror ... or imagine to have my nails painted when i look at it.
the orgasm is stronger when i masturbate and imagine myself to be a girl and having sex with a guy ? i like girls tho... and after i got it, i am disgusted of myself for some minutes... after some minutes, i am okay .. lol *_*
I love girls music/movies. i prefer to chill with girls friends than boy. i think like a girls!
I dosnt hate my body tho. i am << ok >> with it.i am not disgusted of it. but i feel like, i would prefer to be a girl.
i would like to have girls hair and wear make up ect..

20 months ago, i was 101% sure i was transexual. i came out of the closet. told everyone on facebook,picked my girl name (Chloe), made a girl facebook,email...... 3 weeks later as a girl 24h/24, i changed my mind and decided to be a man back. i cutted my hair ect. i think i did it cauz my best friends was hypocrite and was faking to be my friends ( hey i accept you, we chill soon & was just blabla, couldnt accept it) so i think i changed my mind cauz of it... no support,No family. and cauz i needed a job asap.and wanted a normal life with alot childrends.think i got scared of what were going on. i dont know

i got a girlfriend 2 months later. i was okay to be a man at this time. it lasted some months...
4-5 months later, i told her how i think i was. she told me than she would still love me. so i was happy as hell and, was showed her how i was really inside. were listen taylor switf music, shopping, wanted to do her nails ect. but , i noticed than it was just bla bla again. and i think it is why i changed back my mind again. told her than finaly i will stay as a man cauz she told me than she love REAL MALE with abs .. so i changed back my mind. tryed to be a man.... but some days .. it is hunting me ... i was thinking/imagine me as a girl EVERY ->-bleeped-<-ing DAY.

18 months later ( today) look like, i dont know who i am. i am still with my girlfriend who dosnt accept it.
i cant see someone cauz she think it is over and she is always with me.
i dont know who i am and it is annoying me. making me sick. somedays, i just wanna take some cloths and travel to vancouver and break with her. but, i love her... almost 2 years with her...

i dont know what to do. i dont want to take a decision and regreat it later.
i dont want to start my hrt at 60 years too. scared of it.
when i was a man ( often when i am mad i feel like i want to be a man, weird) i applyed back to the army. it make me nervous. my girlfriend know it and now she is happy. she think she will have a REAL MALE.
for my part, i am scared. joinning the army mean sign a contract. minimum 3 years. i couldnt hide it for 3 years.
i am nervous. i dont know what to do.

my girlfriend is the only one person i got in my life. i got no family... i lived in random family all my life.
i dont know what to do! i dont know who i am! how the hell i can take a decision then!

what block me?
-girlfriend
-everyone will see me as a week person ( i am weird, cauz of my situation when i was a child, i dosnt like to be weak.I feel like i cant be weak to others eyes or mines. always try to look myself as a strong person. ( physical and mentally)
-not sure who i am
-i will be homeless (will be hard to get a job)

my head is gonna explode!
Help

[Ms Grace]

Hey xyz

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Gender identity confusion is not easy to unpick. Society is set up to make it much, much, much easier to conform to the gender you were assigned at birth based on your chromosomes. And this is what makes the thought of possibly transitioning very difficult. But you're right, you don't want to make a mistake - transition is a major decision and it is not easy. I strongly suggest you find a counsellor or therapist to discuss your gender identity with, discuss what direction you'd like to take if there was no social impediments and how you can reconcile that with reality. As for the points you make:

-girlfriend: while it is common that partners will threaten to leave, or will make the process of transition difficult this is not true in all cases. Don't presume the worst case scenario before you even get started.
-everyone will see me as a week person: being trans gender and going through transition doesn't make you weak. In many ways it is often the hardest, toughest thing most of us has ever done. If other people see us as weak because of that it is their problem, not yours.
-not sure who i am - definitely talk with a counsellor, they will hopefully help you in this regard.
-i will be homeless (will be hard to get a job) - not necessarily at all, many trans people have jobs and well paying ones. Yes, some trans people are homeless but it isn't necessarily always because they are trans either.

Please check out the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...

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Cheers

Grace

[xyz]

Hey,
thanks for quick reply. i hope my english isnt that bad

let me just explain some point.think you havent understand some point.. well my fault

about my girlfriend, she told me than it would be over. she dosnt like girls. she want a man ..i havent presume.

about who i am, yes i know i should see a therapist. think i am shy ...

about everyone will see me as a weak person, i mean ... girls are weakers than man. dont really know how to explain. dosnt like too the mentally than girls need man to do something like, repair car,defend herself,sex toy....
i think it is the vision of people who scare me. how people see me.scared of being judged.. yes, when i read myself... i come to conclusion than i really need a therapist...

about homeless, yes but, not at the begin of their transition. we all look as a man in a dress. man voice dosnt help too.

*Yes i will read the rules. thanks

[stephaniec]

Alors, vous êtes maintenant légalement lié à l'armée ou pouvez-vous décider de ne pas aller dans l'armée à ce point

[xyz]

Non jai pas signee mon contrat encore. jai encore 2 mois.

english version:
No i havent signed my army contract yet. i got 2 months

[katrinaw]

Welcome Xyz to Susan's

Great to have you on-board here with us

FWIW I started HRT at 50, 12 years later, after making sure I would get some results I think I am ready to be open and honest with all, I hid and tried to be the model male and father...

As far as knowing who you are, sexually, some know from very early in life (me), others during teens, other much later in life. There is no wrong or right time, the path you choose is your decision, but today, getting some therapeutic help is beneficial to you, in helping you understand yourself and how to progress in whatever way is right for you, especially as you are really deeply questioning who you are.

Look forward to seeing you around the forum's and good luck with your path of choice.

L Katy 

[xyz]

Yes, think i am trying to do the same. Be a male model but ... think it just working for a time...

yes i will look for a therapist. i have to admit than i am shy and scared about what he is gonna tell me.
thanks katrinaw

i am wondering if some FTM OR MTF regreated their transition ?

[Laura_7]

Yes, think i am trying to do the same. Be a male model but ... think it just working for a time...

yes i will look for a therapist. i have to admit than i am shy and scared about what he is gonna tell me.
thanks katrinaw

i am wondering if some FTM OR MTF regreated their transition ?

You could have a look here, and the link there
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,188309.msg1674885.html#msg1674885
for a few resources...

This all is a process, many have gone through it and succeeded.

You might think about a good gender therapist... not a gatekeeper but a supportive person to help you along...
you might look for someone who has, amongst others, gender on their list...
saying at home you want counseling for gender issues, or for emotional issues...
if its connected with depression or emotional issues it might be covered...
or they might offer sliding scales...
if they are not supportive you might look for another...

and you might ask at trans groups, plannedparenthood, or at an lgbt center for counseling...

there might be support groups...

and you could have a look here for resources:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,163460.msg1408492.html#msg1408492


quite a few people try to overdo gender roles, and find out its not what they are... so you might reconsider being too manly..
being womanly is no weakness, on the contrary... women are often much stronger emotional wise...

-some few people were regretting it. Out of hundreds of thousands of people this is likely. According to some statistics one in four hundred people is tg. Some people are very sure. Other people need a good therapist to guide them along.

The question is what would make you more happy. And its possible to make a simple and sane approach to that.
Baseline is you can with the help of a therapist evaluate step by step what would make you happy, often starting with easy reversible steps and seeing how it makes you feel and then evaluating the next steps.

Just take the time you need... and remember you will succeed, one way or the other... just keep at it...

don't rush things and look out for yourself...

*hugs*

[JoanneB]

Hi xyz. There is a lot of good advice and insights already. What you are going through is not a lot different from what many of us lived through. We all need to find the right answer for ourself, at that point in time. That answer can also change, like it has, for you. Life changes, so does the answers that seem to work.

A few years back after a good 40 years of doing much the same as you I realized I needed to do something about how I was NOT handling being trans. Wishing it away didn't work. Beating it down didn't work. Trying to be the Hollywood facade of a guy I thought people wanted me to be didn't work. Earlier transition experiments didn't work (twice). Getting married twice didn't. Over that time I learned one thing for sure, what does not work.

What got me to that point was my life once again turning to crap, a near total disaster. I had lost my job, on the verge of loosing my wife either to suicide or divorce, had to move over 300 miles away to work a crap job. No friends other than Yukon Jack and food. No diversions and distractions to stop be from thinking about me... the part of me I tried with all I had to beat down. I knew I needed to do something. I was paralyzed.

When faced with problems like this I found that one question gives you the answers you need; "Which Pain is Worse?" Life is constant balancing act, much like the banner at the top of the page says. There are no perfect answers, only ones we can live with, for now. Those answers are allowed to change.

If you can find a for real gender therapist. A TG support group is also good. Being in a room full of people whose life stories weer like mine was an amazing experience. A couple of angels were also there to give me help when I desperately needed it. Keep in mind their advice may be a bit biased, unlike a therapist. Even a T friendly therapist is good. We all have a ton of emotional baggage which needs shedding.

[stephaniec]

It would possibly be a good idea to talk to a therapist about this before you go into the army.

French:Il serait peut-être une bonne idée de parler à un thérapeute à ce sujet avant de vous rendre dans l'armée

[Laura_7]

Ici est la meme sujet en francais:

translate.google.com/translate?sl=en&tl=fr&js=y&prev=_t&hl=de&ie=UTF-8&u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.susans.org%2Fforums%2Findex.php%2Ftopic%2C191620.0%2Ftopicseen.html&edit-text=

[Mariah]

Hi xyz, welcome to Susan's A therapist would be good at this point. You did just fine with your English. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[xyz]

Thanks all for your advice!
Yes i am planning to see a therapist. Think it is really important.
Hope my girlfriend wont be scared of this first 'step' and break up...

I will give you more news!
thanks!