I am having feelings I can't seem to shake off

[yurihime]

I recently met someone who was also trans in my job (co-worker) and I felt somewhat happy. As we talk, my mind started to drift away and I started to feel odd. That person would constantly ask me what I had been working on and I wouldn't know what to say. I have started to feel confuse about transitioning, and started wondering how much of it is actual treatment versus how much the rest is really unnecessary. I have came across a lot of people online who say it is true that not everyone needs everything. I told my trans co-worker that I still wouldn't mind going away (dying), not to confuse with suicide. The problem is that beyond my gender dysphoria I originally was not a very happy person. It is really normal for me to still be unhappy about my life, however, my co-worker now thinks I am suicidal and that I should see therapy.
It really hurts to hear those words because it is not true. I am not sad 100% of the time, on the contrary I am much much happier. I never had a facade so I have always told the truth and with no fear of anything. I know people don't like it and it scares people away, and I know this more than anyone since I have very few friends and not one I can call family. My therapist kept insisting I go to meet other people in LGBT communities, but after 13 minutes there I felt even more alone than I ever had. People seem to confuse nice and welcoming with being able to feel comfortable. In my head I felt isolated seeing we didn't have anything in common besides our condition.

A lot of you surprise me how passionate you guys are with the changes. Some start without the hormones and it is incredible, and some have started long time ago. I guess the feeling I can't seem to shake off is really that I think I am missing a part of me. Something that makes me whole and give me something to live for, yes there's always people who feel the same but I am not normal like the majority outside of being trans. We may share the same birth condition, but we are miles apart. The reason for me saying this is really because I think I don't really belong here anymore.. I thought I needed to change everything but to me it is unrealistic in my case. I not only happy with my body , but I don't intend to pass. I never had an intention to convince people to gender me correctly in fact it doesn't bother me at all instead it bothers me that people have to try to guess. I am happy with me being able to be me and see who I wanted to see in the mirror. My dysphoria is now gone and all I have now is my old lifestyle back.. It's as boring as it always had with just a tad bit more happiness.

To me you are all so brave and wish you lots of luck. It is really unfortunate that a lot of you have to invest so much time and money into something you didn't choose to have , especially for those who had very little to begin with since I can relate. But it's life and no one is truly perfect no matter how perfect they may be.
sooo... FIGHTING!!  ^^

[Ange]

Whether you need transition or not is irrelevant, since I think right now you don't need transition, but to work on your personnal life. What you say quite resembles what I felt when I was 20. And when I was 20, even if I needed transition, I had a lot more important things to do first : find a balance, find happiness, find more things about myself.

I'm not suicidal either - I used to cut myself when I was 17, but I never seriously thought about suicide. But for most of my life, I didn't really mind dying. I was never an happy person to begin with. So I can quite relate.

Maybe today you're not happy, but keep looking. It's boring and long, and sometimes you wonder if there's a point, but you'll end up getting a lot better at being happy, one day. Happiness is something that you build. Find what makes you happy and focus on these. Forget the rest.

I really get your "what's the point of all this ?" feeling. I'm 27 and transitionning, right now, and I don't give a damn about being seen as a woman. Most of the things normal transpersons do are just not made for me at all. I came to realize it was totally irrelevant. But I need the body, and that took me quite some time to realize. In fact, more than time, that took me a lot of experience in real life.

So whether you need some transition or not, I don't know. Given what you say, most likely not. But even if you do, I can safely say that right now, the choice you make to get away from any trans activity and just live your life seems to be the right one.

[Rachel]

I understand about being alone and not happy. I have issues with suicidal ideation and impulsive attempts; I am working on it. 

Transition is serious and for those that need to transition. It should not be done lightly and to be one of the crowd. I agree with you.

I joined a gym, got a trainer, joined a group, volunteer and help others. I have been stopped and hugged on the street by a sister who thanked me. For a moment I felt wonderful. I build on those moments. The more I put into connecting with others the better feel. I works for me