I feel as if death is the easiest option for me

[mfox]

You're not alone, a lot of us feel the same way at some point, but it gets better.  Wouldn't most parents rather have a son who is alive, rather than a daughter who is deceased?   

My advice is try not to judge or anticipate how your parents will react, and do what you must to be happy/survive mentally.  One of my parents was someone I thought was closed minded, a strict Republican and ex-Marine.  But when he found out I was trans, he was actually OK with it, and it shocked me (in a good way).

[iamconfused]

My aunt, who's a mom to me, posted on facebook about how trans people have something wrong with them in the head and need to be fixed. she stated that "what's in your pants determines who you are" and shared a pic of caitlyn jenner that stated that she was a man and is still a man.
My cousin also shared about how trans people are weird, that a "man" sat in the stall right next to her in the women's bathroom, and that she has no faith in humanity.
I seriously want to die.

[Tessa James]

My aunt, who's a mom to me, posted on facebook about how trans people have something wrong with them in the head and need to be fixed. she stated that "what's in your pants determines who you are" and shared a pic of caitlyn jenner that stated that she was a man and is still a man.
My cousin also shared about how trans people are weird, that a "man" sat in the stall right next to her in the women's bathroom, and that she has no faith in humanity.
I seriously want to die.

No one can tell you what you should think or how to feel but I too would want to be far far away from attitudes like that.  While it is easy to debunk that "biology is destiny" nonsense it may not change how hurt you feel to hear it in the first place.  I have cis gender girl friends who get misgendered and your aunt is hopefully not looking over the stalls to see whats in those pants she thinks about.

I would respectfully suggest you consider limiting your exposure to people and ideas that are so hurtful.  I know one who reads the hate mail about us and gets enraged and then depressed--not real helpful if stimulating.  For a journey like this we need real support for our shared humanity.  Reach out, stretch a little further and find that other hand waiting and needing a connection too.

[sam1234]

Death isn't what you want. You want the pain and turmoil to stop and don't have a way to do it.
Regardless of what some experts say about people that talk about suicide won't do it, that isn't true. Thoughts like that should always be taken seriously.

Twenty six years ago, I was in a very similar situation. I was suicidal, had several attempts, and my father kept telling me I was "as pretty as Cheryl Teigs". His attempts at boosting my self esteem only humiliated me more. One day I just made the decision that I was going to tell my parents and depending on their response, I would either live or die. It was a horrible time in my life. I lived in my car for days on end. Tried to disappear etc.

When I did tell my parents, they accepted it. If anything, they finally knew what was wrong and how to help. I was lucky. Not all parents respond that way. For that reason, you need to get to a therapist ASAP. Please don't ignore your feelings. They are dangerous and you have a lot to give to the world.

One reason why your dysphoria might be so bad now is because you are going through puberty. Seeing the guys go through changes that you wish you were and shunned by the girls because you have no interest in make up or boys.

There are some sites on the web that suggest there is a genetic cause for ->-bleeped-<- and I wish I had kept the sites or written them down. Its not just that the fetus received the wrong hormone, or at least that isn't the entire cause. Look under medical abstracts to find your answers as they are coming from people who are doing research on the problem. Their take on it? surgery is what they recommend. If you can copy some of that down and present it to your parent's, it may help.

You are at a cross road. You need to weigh which is worse, living as you are and not telling your parents or telling them and taking the risk. You may be pleasantly surprised. My parents and grandparents are all conservative and I expected to be kicked out of the house. Instead, my parents and grandparents accepted the fact that I was a transgender. When I told my grandparents, it was through letters because they lived so far away. My grandfather, a quiet, strict but gentle retired Colonel who fought at the battle of the bulge, called the house crying. He didn't know what I was going through and wanted to make sure I was ok. Not at all what I expected.

At any rate, you need to get to a therapist now. If you have to use a suicide hotline, do so, but get yourself into treatment. We don't need to lose more transgenders. Its not your fault. Your brain and body just aren't on the same page. Its not a choice, its a condition that you didn't ask for and had no control over.

Hang in there and let us know how you are doing.

sam1234

[stephaniec]

what does anyone else's thoughts on something they don't want to understand  and have know idea what it like to be like we are have anything to do with your own healing.

[lostcharlie]

Please read Cindy's post again and again if you have to. The words she writes are the TRUTH . I know this from my own personal experiance. Any pain caused by your coming out as transgender to your family is only temporary. If they truly love you they will get over it at some point in time. The pain of parents and siblings that have to bury a child,brother  or sister because of suicide never goes away EVER. I don't know but perhaps printing out your first post and giving it to your family is the first step. I can not fathom a parent given the choice of learning how to accept and love a child who is  "different" or bury that same child would ever choose the later. Please seek out some help and best wishes that you have a very long and happy life.. It can get better.

[cindianna_jones]

My aunt, who's a mom to me, posted on facebook about how trans people have something wrong with them in the head and need to be fixed. she stated that "what's in your pants determines who you are" and shared a pic of caitlyn jenner that stated that she was a man and is still a man.
My cousin also shared about how trans people are weird, that a "man" sat in the stall right next to her in the women's bathroom, and that she has no faith in humanity.
I seriously want to die.

My mother recently made a similar comment to ME about Ms. Jenner recently. She has no idea how that impacted me. The thing is, I made the change nearly 30 years ago. I'm thinking she assumes I'm her daughter now.... and hasn't changed her mind yet? I should have said something on the spot, but I wasn't thinking properly at the time.

Cindi

[Sharon Anne McC]

*

A month ago you wrote:   I'd rather live miserably or die than to make my dad/family unhappy.

One month is not a lifetime, yet time has elapsed to reflect on the comments to your post.

'iamconfused', you must live your life for yourself, not for others.  Only you can decide your life for yourself, not others

As Mariah replied, you will lose family and friends by your transition.  You expect that family and friends will be there for you as you have been there for them.  The pain comes when you realise that life does not work that way.  People who reject you are only watching out for themselves; they have no concern for you other than what they can get from you.  Those people, whether family or 'friend', are not worth keeping so not worth your effort pleasing.

I lost all family. ALL.  Not one family member, immediate or extended, remains with me.  Most rejected me outright, the last to abandon me was 15 years ago.

Not one friend who knew me 'before' remains with me today.  Not one.  Spending a lifetime cultivating relationships with 'friends' then losing them when I presented my true self to them actually proved their true selves to me.  Deep hurt came first, then came relief knowing that I can move on to people who accept me.  The only people in my current life are those I got to know since my post-transition post-op days.

I had various feelings and episodes of my share of pre- time suicide thoughts.  I invariably came to the answer that I would only harm myself, that my family was worst among the worst, that family and 'friends' lack care or concern for my absence from their lives.  The proof came by the fact they rejected me and live well without me; therefore, I came to my own realisation that living well without them is my own reward.

Youth is a curse when you have little life experience to know that there will be positive events in your future.  Sometimes those events occur few and far between each other; secure a place in your memory for your well-endeared experiences.

Allow me to second what Ms Grace and Madison posted.  I spent my lifetime growing up with feminine protesting to my parents and family; my intentions were not in dispute, only my timeline.  I managed my first four years of transition in stealth while residing under my father's roof.  It was complicated; I endured abuse when my father discovered suspicious evidence.  I used those years to attend my first years of community college and create work experience.  I fortuneately got a good job sufficient to move far from home making it difficult for people in my prior life to interfere as I began part-time transition and eventually advanced to post-op and full-time.  I doubt I could have done any transition while living anywhere near 'home'.

You found support here at 'Susan's'.  I am one among many here who have been where you are now, we found our selves and our strengths, we are proof that you can do it, too.  I am here to help you.

*

[cindianna_jones]

The one thing that no one has mentioned is this thread:

You cannot expect someone to love you if you can't love yourself first.

And this is our trap. We are disgusted with ourselves in the beginning... whenever that happens. Many of us grow up knowing who we are and are in a constant state of self loathing. Somewhere, somehow, a change happens in us. We get it and do something. I have seen too many who could not get it. I've known too many who have taken their lives. I've seen too many sell themselves and get AIDS and die.

For those of you contemplating suicide, it may seem viable. But you aren't considering your own happiness. You should. You must. You have to find a way to live in your own skin. There are many self help meditation "tapes" on YouTube. Look them up. Use them. Purchase a couple you like. Put yourself in a mindset to listen. I've been through a very traumatic episode in my own life this past year and I play one every night to help put me in the mindset to go to sleep. They work for me. Perhaps they can work for you too.

Whether it is therapy, experimenting, "chatting" on the site, or whatever, find a place within yourself where you feel comfortable. Set a plan. Pretend to paste the next step on your forehead with a sticky note. Do whatever YOU need to do to learn to love yourself. Once you do this, any feelings of suicide will become only a passing thought. And soon, they may disappear completely.

Cindi

[kelly_aus]

My old gyno had a sign on her wall, "Suicide: A permanent solution to a temporary problem."

[Rachel]

I am very familiar with suicide ideation and suicide attempts. I stood on a bridge when my voice cracked at age 11.

I am 53 and had a lot of close calls. I realize now why I have suicide ideation and made attempts. I realize it is a cycle and it is when my inner self can no longer take hiding or not transitioning fully. I am on a medication that helps overall but not the deep dysphoric and self hate episodes. They are scary, impulsive and have unpredictable outcomes to end the pain.

The reason I share the above is that you may be suffering from something and it is coming out as suicidal ideation. Find out what is the cause and make progress to resolve the conflict.

I will share something else. You can live for others or live for yourself. Think hard about this. I will share one last thing. It is ok to be selfish about who you are; only you walk your path.

[sam1234]

Don't write your parents off so quickly. Their reaction may surprise you, especially if you have seen a counselor. It doesn't surprise me that your dysphoria has gotten worse because as we go through puberty, there is more separation between genders. Up to the age of ten, there is some, but not as much and it doesn't effect your life as much.

My father used to say some of the things your Dad does. He used to tell me I was a pretty as Cheryl Teigs and it made me want to vomit. There were three kids in our family and I was the only "girl". My grandfather used to tell me I was his favorite granddaughter.

Both sets of grandparents were in the military, so both my parents were raised on military bases and my father was in the army. They thought gay people were sick, and though that is a different thing all together, it kind of shows you a mindset. By the time I came out to them, I had attempted suicide multiple times, never came out of my room except for school etc.  I finally decided that I had to tell them or end it. They didn't flinch. For all their conservatism, they accepted what I told them and agreed to see a specialist who dealt with parents of transgender children. It was a two hour drive for them, but they did it anyway. I think they were relieved to finally know what was bothering me.

Your parents may or may not accept it, but you don't know unless you tell them. If its at all possible, see a counselor first so they can help you figure out a way to tell them as well as being backup if they don't take it well. You shouldn't have to live like you are. Believe me when I tell you that trying to commit suicide just causes more problems than it cures. You don't really want to be dead, you just want your pain to end and there is a big difference.

If its any help, I did it slowly. From my "girl" name, I changed it to an androgynous one that when shortened could be male. I slowly made my hair shorter and shorter. It wasn't until after I came out to my parents that I changed my name to a male name.

Don't give up on yourself. There are options these days that weren't there ten years ago. Personally I think you would do better getting some counseling before coming out, but that is an individual decision. You will have to anyway at some point when you transition. In the meantime, use this forum to help you get through some of the tough times. There are people from all walks of life with varying backgrounds as far as coming out and transitioning and its a good rescource for you.

sam1234

[Evlin]

I would like to reiterate what's been said above you are not alone, I'm new to here and I can say that since I've admitted to my self who I truly am but I can't transition for a number of reasons that are to common to list, and like you I have also had moments were I have found myself in that dark place were you feel so trapped that anything would be a relief.
But I'm alway pulled back the knowledge that what ever pain you feel you may course by telling your loved ones the truth it would be nothing in comparison to the pain they would feel if you took your own life.

I know a lady who lost a child to suicide and it tuned out that he or more correctly she was trans gendered like us and she said to me that there wasn't a day goes by were she wises that she had to cope with the shock and surprise that she had a new daughter rather than the shock and hart ache of burying her son.

I beg of you please choose life.

[michelle]

As a member of the Baha'i Faith I believe that suicide is pointless.    When we were in our mother's womb we were in another physical world developing our body so that we could live in this one.   When we are born we die to the world of the womb and are born into this one.   In this world, we are developing spiritually so that we can survive in the next spiritual world.   Unfinished business in this world just becomes one more obstacle that we have to overcome in the next.   The Unknowable God has an infinite number worlds to travel through on our journey toward God.   On this world, we can determine our growth and in others we are at the mercy of God.   There is no Hell there is only isolation from God.   We have to find our way out of this feeling of isolation from God and continue on our journey toward the Unknowable God.

Because of these beliefs I feel that suicide is only creating more problems for myself.   So for very selfish reasons, no matter how much this world gets me down,  I carry on.    It's kind of like trying to make your way through a Dakota blizzard.   You rap yourself up the best you can in the warmest clothes.   You put your head down and you walk toward the Light in order to survive.    If you surrender and die in this world,  you may just find yourself in a terrible storm in the next, struggling toward the Light.

Who knows you may also be dealing with many of the same individuals in the next world you dealt with in this one.   

[iamconfused]

I still want to die. My dysphoria is getting worse and I feel detached from myself and also my surroundings constantly. It's getting in the way of everything regarding my life. I can't go to school and I can't drive because the detachment is so severe. I also am struggling to find and keep a job. I suffer from terrible and overwhelming anxiety when being out in public or when talking to others.  My family knows that i'm not doing well and the people at work can tell that i'm not. But everyone seems scared or annoyed.  I went camping with a friend and her family and felt severely detached/anxious.. so a lot of the time I stayed in the tent by myself which seemed to annoy others or freak them out. I felt terrible. I freak people out and annoy them with how bad my mental health is. Nobody understands me and no one tries to understand me. So what's the point

[Dena]

Are you in therapy? If you aren't, you need to get help a soon as possible. Any progress in your transition including therapy will help reduce the the depression. You need to make the move and we can't do it for you but there is help if you do the work.

[iamconfused]

I'm trying to find a friend who could drive me to therapy. i'm still on my dad's health insurance until i'm 26 so idk if he'll find out..

[Dena]

It's very likely your dad will find out but will not know what's being discussed in therapy. If the family knows you are having difficulty, you need to explain it's depression and you need therapy to help work it out. At this point, as long as you are honest with the therapist, even a non gender therapist might be able to help though a gender therapist would be better. Depending on your location and finances, you might consider a bus or cab if you are unable to drive but the depression will not get any better without help.

[iamconfused]

well i'm out of luck then. bc my dad is tired of taking me to therapy. he's taken me to multiple therapists and none of them helped. so looks like i'll continue to suffer then.

[TC]

Hey Iam .....that's the part of your name I like so I'm going with that

Just read your thread and Dude! I'm so glad you stayed! Lot's of very smart and experienced people on this site. You already got a lot of very good advice but I think Dena's is most critical, please get therapist help. If you are in mortal danger, that need to be fixed first.

In my experience dysphoria does get worse as time goes on and the only fix is to become you.  Here is a suggestion. Find something small, man jeans? Combat boots? Wallet in the back pocket? That will make you happy. You will feel better if you take a step toward being you and you don't have to upset your family.