I feel as if death is the easiest option for me

[iamconfused]

I've known that I was trans since I was a kid. I started to get really bad dysphoria around the age of 14, to the point where i started to get suicidal thoughts. before that, i never had a suicidal thought in my life. My dysphoria has gotten worse since then and I still have suicidal thoughts. My dysphoria has gotten so bad that I feel dissociated a lot of the time. My family is super close minded, they can't even handle the thought of me getting tattoos.. let alone me transitioning. I have a very close bond with my dad; I know that I need to transition but I want to make him happy.. everyday he mentions the fact that i'm "his only daughter" and that i'm his "only girl" and all of that; I just don't know what to do.. I'm lost. I'd rather live miserably or die than to make my dad/family unhappy. I feel like those are the easiest options in order for me to please everyone else and that's all I wanna do.. But deep down I know that everyday is a struggle and that I won't be able to live like this much longer.. can someone please give me advice? I can't drop this feeling that death would be the best choice; i'm not just saying that either to get pity; its exactly how I feel; I cant come out to my family...

[Mariah]

First and fore most if your having suicidal thoughts right now then please call a hotline and get some help. One the more painful aspects of transitioning is losing friends and family. I know it can be nerve racking losing some of them along the way. It's not easy, painful and heart wrenching. Your dad may come around eventually. You need to let him know and share with him why you need to do this. Also, a therapist could help you communicate better with them and work on some ideas that may help. You need to let him know thought that what he is doing is hurting you. He isn't doing anyone a favor, including himself. Please call a hotline and prove live and show him that your life after transitioning is far better than the life you had before. Hugs
Mariah

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112545.0.html

[LizK]

Hi Iamconfused,

Hang in there for just a bit longer...do you have a close friend you can talk too. I get what you mean about the idea that you would rather live miserably than destroy someone else life? Suicide would be the easiest option...but for who? Not your family, not even you I suspect. Feeling the way you do with no light at the end of the tunnel must be very hard for you.

I have been where you are now and I chose to bury and deny...it came at great personal cost and nearly my life on several occasions. You need to find someone you can talk to as that will help keep things in perspective. While you may not be able to transition now you maybe able to sooner that you can imagine. If you want a change to your life then you need to make changes to "stuff" and other stuff will change and so on and so on. I was never ever going to transition...it was impossible...then I used the excuse I am to old...but at the end of the day my true self won over but it took a long time and you will have time.

Things won't always be this tough...can you do some things for yourself that will make you feel better without being too overt about it...Do what you can to make yourself feel better, reach out and talk, be kind to yourself...this situation and the way you are feeling is real and its tough...but you are not alone and we in this community do understand how it feels for you.

Hugs and take care

Sarah T   

[Tessa James]

Oh please hang on, there are so many other better options to consider.  Suicide may seem like an easy option for reducing our pain but it would definitely cause much more pain now and forever for the people who love you so.

Please consider that they can change and that they may need to know the real you to be able to love you just as you are.

They deserve the chance to surprise you with what may become a much better relationship over time.  Of course this is a struggle but you enrich your own life and those around you by being your true self.  Coming out need not be some grand announcement and you don't need all the answers right now.  With time you will gain confidence and allies for the journey ahead.   

You can slowly introduce the sensitive topics and even make subtle changes and they may gradually be aware that you are a deeper and more complex person who they can grow to know and love. 

If you even get close to harming yourself get on the phone and call a hot line or a close friend.  No close friends?  We make them by being vulnerable about our truth.  You can do this and you deserve the chance for a full life that may yet hold the promises of treasures untold.  Please, this will pass!

[Ms Grace]

Hugs. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Killing yourself is also going to make your dad and family very unhappy and break their hearts. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and in this case the problem is how do you be true to yourself. Your life is yours, not your father's or your family's. You deserve to be the person you know yourself to be, not the one everyone else expects you to be. Yes, it is highly unlikely that they will not agree, that they will be angry and will say all sorts of things to convince you otherwise, but if you are trans then you are trans. I don't know how old you are but I get the impression you are young and  still living at home? Believe me, I've been there too. The only way I could start my transition in 1989 was to move out of home. I knew my family loved me but that they would never understand or accept me being trans. The closer I got to telling them the more distressed I became and eventually detransitioned and lived in fairly miserable denial instead. It took me another twenty years before I finally got there. I lived my life being afraid of telling them and of losing their love. I should have been a bit more focused on myself and my needs instead, my life would have been a lot happier. Yes, I did upset my folks and my father is struggling and still dealing with it. But at least we'll have a chance at sorting it out, something that would not have happened had I killed myself instead. Please have a chat with a counsellor.

[captains]

I truly, deeply empathize with this post, and I wish I had some advice other than "hang on, man." You're not alone. We'll figure something out, somehow.

[HoneyStrums]

HOTLINE

Suicide, without doubt WILL hurt them, And if your not out, you dont know how they will react, truth be told, yes you can have a good idea, but somtimes people can surprise you.

But thier is a chance not matter how slim, that comming out will not hurt them as much.

I loved my family, and putting their happyness before my own was a mistake that led me to such horrible thoughts.

EDIT:

You say, you dad keeps saying your his only daughter, His little girl.
I was my fathers only son. And hearing this was painfull it hurt. So I can feels some of the emotional torment this gives you.

When I say my dad called me his only son, this was because he disowned my gay brother, in so much my dad no longer saw him as a man, a son. so all of those dreams, hopes and desires for a son all fell on my shoulders.
And with him disowning my gay brother, I felt that I too would be disowned.

Even though I knew for a fact, it was possible for my dad to disown a child. He did not disown me.
After I came out, my dad hurt. Yes but, not nearly as much as I though.

My dad, got back in touch with my brother. And now me, my dad and my brother have a much better bond.

No matter how dark things might seem, it might not be as bad as you fear. And I can almost say for a sure that there will be sombody here in a similer situation, to help you through it, no matter how bad things get.

[Sandy]

As others have said, if you are feeling suicidal, please, please call.  There is a trans suicide hotline available specifically for us.
http://www.translifeline.org/
US: (877) 565-8860

You are loved.  You are better off in the world than out of it.  Please hang in there!

-Sandy

[Dena]

You need to have help. A hotline, teacher, consoler, school nurse or some adult you can trust. I was once at the point where you were and I told my parents. They didn't accept me but they didn't throw me out. The good thing was that I started therapy and while the doctor didn't understand transsexualism, it was the start of a long road to treatment.

There is help available for you but you need to take the risk of coming out to somebody who can help you. Your parents may not understand your condition, but if you tell them you have deep depression and are thinking of suicide, they will have few options other than to find some form of therapy for you. You don't need to tell them about the transsexualism at first. You can wait until you have a therapist you are comfortable with before discussing that topic.

Should you decide you to discuss transsexualism with your parents, we can help you better prepare yourself for the discussion.

Above all, there is a long and happy life awaiting you so please get the help you need.

[stephaniec]

A lot of good advice here

[cindianna_jones]

First and foremost, please take the advice from previous posters. You should also know, that nearly all of us who go through this have suicidal feelings from time to time. It happens. This IS a big deal to US. But regardless of how your family reacts, you may feel totally different after your discussion. You CAN get through this.

My best to you.

Cindi

[Devlyn]

Austin, we're here for you. We all take care of each other, and we all have our ups and downs. Here are some strong words:

"i know how you feel. i think we've all been there at some point. if you ever need to talk to someone, i'm here. i'm not the best at dealing with this kind of stuff and i'm not the best at advice but i'll listen. you aren't alone as you think you are. hang in there buddy."

You know who said that? Click here to find out.

We need you around, hon.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Batmanlovr]

I understand how you feel, the past two days I have been drinking to suppress my dysphoria and I have in the past attempted suicide but I agree with everyone who has commented, suicide would only hurt them more. I think you should seek some sort of help, a counselor, therapist, a friend..call the hotline. Please don't harm yourself, stay safe please you have so much to live for! 

[Qrachel]

Dear I AM:

I can relate - I tried that route and due to a lack of thoroughness I didn't succeed.  Having been there I can truly say that death is not the answer, even though it seemed such a compelling solution.  The instant I committed I knew it was a huge mistake.

As suggested here call the hot line, a hospital emergency number, go to the emergency room, or a local hot line in your community.  The point is, don't let the heaviness settle into you.  We love you to much for that!

Also, keep talking to the members here. We know, relate and care.  You can get past this but not alone.

Those closest to you would not want you to take your life.  How things workout in the long run is unknown but today is real and tomorrow soon will be.  Live in the moment.  If loved ones are harsh, then you need to take steps to avoid any real risks to your well-being.  Really, it's OK to do so.

Please stay in touch.  You can get through this and eventually and have a life that you love.  Just hang in there and know you have so many people you don't even know that love you for who are and who you aren't, being perfect just as you are.

Love,

Rachel

[Rachel]

It sounds like you love your Dad very much and he loves you too. He is trying to make you feel special by saying you are his only girl. I have a daughter and we have a special bond. If she was diverse I would be there for her. Your situation may be different but think how your dad would feel if he lost you to suicide. See a therapist and find a way to discuss how you feel to your dad. Then it is up to him; you can not control him, only yourself. He may feel hurt or angry or he may be accepting. Whatever is said at the moment can change in time. You can not know until you do it.

Suicidal thoughts are because you are in pain. If you cut your arm very bad you would get help. You have dysphoria and you need help but you have to help yourself. Dysphoria will not cure itself. Suicide will destroy your parents. They will blame themselves and you never gave them a chance to accept you. Every holiday, every lost birthday and every time they see your picture they will relive your death and blame themselves.

I know a lot of happy trans-men. Sooner or later you need to choose your path and accept yourself.

[sweetbriar9]

Hi Iamconfused,
      I'm sorry for what you're going through. Please don't harm yourself. It can be a helpful fantasy sometimes, but definitely not something to act on.. I've pondered this same idea for twenty some years, but could never stand the idea of hurting my parents. This might seem random, but, I eventually went looking to adopt a sweet old dog from the pound who might not have had good chances otherwise . My current guy is a big scary looking pitbull who's just an absolute sweetheart. Whenever I think about ending it all, my thoughts turn to my dog and what would happen to him. It's been very helpful for me (who rescued who?).   Anyway, chin up Papillon, things WILL get better. Love, -M

[Madison (kiara jamie)]

im sorry but im not gonna give you the typical advice to hang on and call a hotline, i know i'll get flogged on the forums for saying so but i don't think that will help you it will just delay things for yourself and won't get you over your problem,

personally i don't think your problem is that others are not supporting you or that your family might not support you with your choice to come out as trans,

your not miserable because your transgender, your miserable because your now allowing yourself to start living your own life

you really only have two choices,

1) you can tell your family and chance being rejected from them even though most people these days are becoming more accepting of transgender family members regardless of their religion or beliefs or

2) you can realize that you don't want to be at someone Else's mercy and you need to get a career under your belt and some accepting friends in place that support you and your choice to transition, 

after you become your own financial support structure you are the one that dictates who you allow into your new and fulfilling life, i became self sufficient and told my family that they accept me as transgender and support me or they don't deserve me in their life, don't allow your family members to guilt you into not transitioning, they can control their lives but they cant control yours. Its just like high school, when your going to school you think everyone there is your world and if your miserable there, then you will be always miserable but as soon as you graduate you realize high school was a joke and you laugh at yourself for caring so much about it since it barely matters now

don't let others make you feel bad about who you are, like my one guy friend says "tell em to get (insert expletive)"

[Qrachel]

Hi -

Just stopped by to say hello again.  You are getting a great and varied set of comments.  Stick with it.

Your dad is in crisis too.  In time he may or may not see anything more than his own perceived loss and grief - that's his and not your responsibility.  What he is going through is what he is creating for himself. 

No one or family chooses being trans impacted, but life happens and that's part of the magic of being human - we can transform ourselves and see things anew with a life fulfilled.  Not necessarily easy all the time or like someone else's but like yours.

I been thinking of you . . . take care,

R

[Cindy]

Suicide, sweet suicide. I'll never face my problems again.

But you do.

I have lost friends on this site and in my personal life to suicide. They thought it would help them. It didn't; it cursed me.

I still hear J putting the gun into her mouth when she was on the phone with me.

She blew her head off.

Did it give her peace?

It didn't give me any. I hear her sobs, I hear her last words. I bear her pain.

Everyday.

Suicide is not an answer, it is a cowards way out - sorry if that is harsh - but it is.

It is passing your pain to your friends and family. That is a horrible thing to do.

We love you, accept you and want you in our lives.

How could you hurt us so much by rejecting our love?

In that final act you do not lose your pain, you pass it on to your friends.

That is a horrible thing to do.

Please stay with us and we can carry your pain together.

Cindy

[Tamika Olivia]

Self sacrifice, the desire and ability, to put everyone's happiness before your own seems to be a fairly strong trend in the trans community. We place so little value on ourselves, our own happiness, that it's easy to give everything we are to making other people feel better. Even to the point where we contemplate death over hurting other people, we'd rather give up any chance at real happiness for ourselves than even contemplate giving other people pain or discomfort.

I think that this is wrong of us. It's hard to find value in yourself, to see that your own happiness is worth something, when you don't even know who you truly are. You need to discover that, to feel the joy and certainty of living authentically. I'm not sure of your situation, if you're financially independent or not, but there are always little ways of living as your true gender. Ways to get in touch with the parts of your personality that you've had to chain away. Once you start finding those parts, I think you'll be able to see that you are a valuable person, that you deserve to be happy.

I also have found that thinking others won't understand, that they'll be hurt to the point that they can't function, is also sometimes spurious. Yes, there are people that can't handle it, always... but people can surprise you. But you won't know who those people are until you tell them, until you give them a chance to react to who you are. Many of them will be happy to have the person you really are, instead of the illusion or nothing.

As the others have said, call the hotlines in times of crises and get in touch with a therapist. Gender dysphoria may be one small part of the puzzle you're dealing with, and having an ally can always help you get through.

Finally, to bring up the mantra of the LGBT community, it gets better.