Feeling Worse after SRS?

[devon14]

"I don't want to lose my life." A phrase that I've been repeating in my head a few weeks after ive gotten SRS. I thought that getting SRS was going to resolve a whole list of problems with me concerning my body right away but I was wrong. Instead it opened up a whole ton of emotions right away that was almost too difficult for me to process all at once. Things like "I made a mistake" and "What have I done to my body", rang through my head. For some reason wishing I could go back and at the time of the operation just run away before they gave me the anesthetic.

Another part of me says that this was a great idea. There are plenty of things that this operation has resolved. Pants will now fit the way they should. I won't have to feel afraid of being accidentally outed by my parts when walking around or especially when going to a gym. I will be able to exercise and not feel dysphoric about my balls shifting around. There are plenty of positives to this operation that I have undergone.    

But then it begs the question, why do I still feel ambivalent about all this? Shouldn't I just feel happy about it right away? Am I just crazy?

[chuufk]

Maybe the starting point is to ask "Why did I have this operation"?

What were your expectations?

[devon14]

I had this operation to feel more congruent with my sex. My old configuration just felt wrong. I think I had too high expectations however in the way that I thought that it might resolve a lot of the depression that I have. I have a somewhat severe mood disorder so I dont think i should have expected that it would help me resolve that. I am medicating for that however.

It just hurts so much right now and there is a lot of care involved. Having to dilate for the rest of my life somewhat scares me for some reason. I knew that i would have to but it scares me none the less.

[devon14]

I just dont know how to shake this feeling of "I made a mistake"

[Zumbagirl]

Is it possible you are looking at the fears of an unknown future that scares you? I mean coming back from that operation for me was also a point of no return as well. What I found out about myself was this:

1). pre-transition: lingering doubts about myself, why am I this way, but a normal life in the sense that anyone's life can be normal and quiet.

2). the transition period: the tornado where everything is coming quick and fast. It's exciting because there is always something new. Life in this stage is a constant turmoil.

3). post-transition. The unknown future. No more tornado, no more turmoil. My life turned back to normal and hum drum. Things died down very considerably a few months after my srs surgery.

Have I ever doubted myself? Sure, and I don't think that is unhealthy either. But the fact remains for me that I am quite happy and satisfied in my life, new body, etc. It was a series of tradeoffs and I came out the other end a happier person.

[devon14]

yes, the unknown future scares me a ton.

Is it possible you are looking at the fears of an unknown future that scares you? I mean coming back from that operation for me was also a point of no return as well. What I found out about myself was this:

1). pre-transition: lingering doubts about myself, why am I this way, but a normal life in the sense that anyone's life can be normal and quiet.

2). the transition period: the tornado where everything is coming quick and fast. It's exciting because there is always something new. Life in this stage is a constant turmoil.

3). post-transition. The unknown future. No more tornado, no more turmoil. My life turned back to normal and hum drum. Things died down very considerably a few months after my srs surgery.

Have I ever doubted myself? Sure, and I don't think that is unhealthy either. But the fact remains for me that I am quite happy and satisfied in my life, new body, etc. It was a series of tradeoffs and I came out the other end a happier person.

[Zumbagirl]

Time to make new friends and explore the world. Do different things. If you need to, pick up your life and move to somewhere where nobody knows your past and just blend in and disappear. Look at all of your options and choose something. But the big thing is, pick something you want to do and do it.

[devon14]

I dont really want to leave my current life. I love my current life and am currently building a family. I know what you mean though. I should change up my life a bit to feel better. I am already in the process of currently doing that so yes, that part is a good idea

Time to make new friends and explore the world. Do different things. If you need to, pick up your life and move to somewhere where nobody knows your past and just blend in and disappear. Look at all of your options and choose something. But the big thing is, pick something you want to do and do it.

[chuufk]

I had this operation to feel more congruent with my sex. My old configuration just felt wrong.

Perfectly valid reasons IMO

I thought that it might resolve a lot of the depression that I have.

Sadly not. All the other non-genital baggage we have stays with us after the operation. I suspect this is your major source of disappointment. Would that be a fair assessment?

It just hurts so much right now and there is a lot of care involved. Having to dilate for the rest of my life somewhat scares me for some reason. I knew that i would have to but it scares me none the less.

Remember that the large amount of dilation is only at the start. It does decrease and you will do less of it. The exact schedule depends on you and your body, but once you get to the point where the largest dilator fits easily then you can start thinking about easing off a little on your dilation schedule.

I just dont know how to shake this feeling of "I made a mistake"

I have asked myself a similar question and my answer is that even if it was something of a mistake, I still got things I needed such as " .... Pants will now fit the way they should. I won't have to feel afraid of being accidentally outed by my parts when walking around or especially when going to a gym. I will be able to exercise and not feel dysphoric about my balls shifting around" (does that sound familiar? It should do). I feel the positives outweigh any negatives and I have decided that even if it was a "mistake" then it is no worse than what I had before. In fact I am determined to view it as an upgrade. It is not perfect but few things in life are and I refuse to brood on it. I am going to do all the things it lets me do and enjoy myself as much as possible.

Why not try this approach?

[devon14]

That really helped! Thank you!

Perfectly valid reasons IMO


Sadly not. All the other non-genital baggage we have stays with us after the operation. I suspect this is your major source of disappointment. Would that be a fair assessment?


Remember that the large amount of dilation is only at the start. It does decrease and you will do less of it. The exact schedule depends on you and your body, but once you get to the point where the largest dilator fits easily then you can start thinking about easing off a little on your dilation schedule.


I have asked myself a similar question and my answer is that even if it was something of a mistake, I still got things I needed such as " .... Pants will now fit the way they should. I won't have to feel afraid of being accidentally outed by my parts when walking around or especially when going to a gym. I will be able to exercise and not feel dysphoric about my balls shifting around" (does that sound familiar? It should do). I feel the positives outweigh any negatives and I have decided that even if it was a "mistake" then it is no worse than what I had before. In fact I am determined to view it as an upgrade. It is not perfect but few things in life are and I refuse to brood on it. I am going to do all the things it lets me do and enjoy myself as much as possible.

Why not try this approach?

[chuufk]

That really helped! Thank you!

 

[suzifrommd]

I'm a bit late to this party, but I hope my perspective can help.

I feel very similar to you. My body will never be the same again, and in many ways it doesn't work nearly as well as the old body works. I don't have orgasms, for example, though my sensation is fine in all other ways. I was fine before, so why did I feel the need to get myself sliced up and sewn together again?

I went back and read over the posts I made while I was deciding whether to get surgery. My main reason was that I didn't want to die never knowing what it felt like to be shaped the way I was supposed to. From that perspective, my surgery was a success. When I looked at it that way, I felt better.

The fact is, I do like the way I'm shaped, but with any change there is loss and grieving and that's sort of what I've gone through.

I hope this helps.

[TG CLare]

Dear Athena;

I read your post and oh boy, does it ever ring a bell! I felt more or less just as you do.

When I first saw my vagina after the surgery the week after, the first words I said were, "Oh God! What did I do to myself!" My doctor wasn't very pleased about that statement as she worked hard on me but we have since resolved the situation

I am pleased to tell you that for quite  a few weeks afterward, one sort of has a "post-partum" type of depression, That and the physical pain gets one thinking and talking all manner of nonsense. Believe me when I tell you though it will pass. In my case it took about 6 weeks so your feelings are not out of line. Sometimes I still feel it was a mistake but not often any more. I'm fairly happy overall with my decision.

I absolutely hated dilation, especially 5 times a day as it hurt a lot, but it does get a much better, I promise. I was told it will eventually be like brushing your teeth and my doctor was right! It's a little uncomfortable at first just like standing and sitting were but after a while it's totally pain free. The maintenance in the beginning is rather daunting but it gets easier.

I was so afraid before the surgery. My heart was saying "yes, this is it!" but my brain was screaming "RUN!!" Totally logical thinking as no one wants to actually have surgery, especially of such magnitude. I felt that way right until they put the mask on my face and by that time, it was too late to run.

It's been almost 4 months now and I am content with my decision. I can't orgasm manually yet but I'm told that might be a little bit early but have had some orgasmic dreams. It might be my imagination but they felt more intense after the surgery.

It's different after the surgery for sure. Before if I was somewhere away from a bathroom, well, as an anatomical male, the whole world was a urinal. Not so now. I hated those port-a-potty things before I transitioned. I hate them even more now as a woman for any number of reasons.

Athena, time will heal all wounds they claim and GCS is a big one that will take time physically and mentally to get used to.

I wish I could give you a great big hug and make you feel better but I can't but in given time you'll feel better.

Love,
Clare

[devon14]

That really did help. May I ask where you got your SRS done? I am just curious since you say that you lost the ability to orgasm and that scares me a little.

I'm a bit late to this party, but I hope my perspective can help.

I feel very similar to you. My body will never be the same again, and in many ways it doesn't work nearly as well as the old body works. I don't have orgasms, for example, though my sensation is fine in all other ways. I was fine before, so why did I feel the need to get myself sliced up and sewn together again?

I went back and read over the posts I made while I was deciding whether to get surgery. My main reason was that I didn't want to die never knowing what it felt like to be shaped the way I was supposed to. From that perspective, my surgery was a success. When I looked at it that way, I felt better.

The fact is, I do like the way I'm shaped, but with any change there is loss and grieving and that's sort of what I've gone through.

I hope this helps.

[suzifrommd]

That really did help. May I ask where you got your SRS done? I am just curious since you say that you lost the ability to orgasm and that scares me a little.

Kathy Rumer did my surgery. It's not clear that the anorgasmia is due to the surgery. It might be a function of T levels. I know others of her patients have not had trouble.

Given the horrible complications that come come from even the best surgeons, on the whole I'm pretty happy with how things turned out.

[Rejennyrated]

Well firstly I think you have to bear in mind that for about 6 months after a general anaesthetic there is sometimes an amount of mental disturbance, which results from the lingering neural insult of the GA and that is well known in the medical profession. Post anaesthetic depression is a real thing.

Secondly philosophically speaking you cannot KNOW that you made a mistake any more than you can know that you didnt... because you can't divide yourself in half and have half of you experience one path and the other half experience the oposite choice, but until you do the strong probablility must exist that whichever way you had chosen something bad would have happened and you would be sitting there convinced you would have been happier with the other choice... Sorry thats just life doing what it does best! Being utterly unpredictable.

So I suspect that whatever you had decided, at some point you would have looked back and said "I made a terrible mistake."  My point is, would the other path really have been any better? Probably not in reality, at the moment you are a bit like a cat that has just been put outside, after hours scratching at the door, and now can only see the warm fire back inside and have forgotten why you wanted to go out...

The reality is that all the world that you were itching to get out and experience when you were inside is still there - and what you need to do is get on with living forwards and stop looking backwards.

Now I say that as someone who at 30+ postop has no doubts or regrets whatsoever - however - and listen carefully because I wont admit to this very often - even I probably had moments of questioning while I was convalescing and waiting for my new life to get properly started. It was only once I started to experience some positive benefits from that new life that I could really say the doubts were laid to rest.

My advice is acknowledge the feelings - but then try to get on with life, and try not to torture yourself with doubt, but rather go forward and then see how you feel in a few years time. I suspect you will find that things are a deal more positive then.

The bottom line is this. It cant be a mistake because it is what you chose, so you just have to make it work for you and make it into the right choice, because ultimately everything in life is an experience, and the only experiences which are mistakes, are ones that we do not learn and grow as people from having had. So learn grow and succeed.

[devon14]

That gave me a lot of perspective and really helped me! Thank you!

Well firstly I think you have to bear in mind that for about 6 months after a general anaesthetic there is sometimes an amount of mental disturbance, which results from the lingering neural insult of the GA and that is well known in the medical profession. Post anaesthetic depression is a real thing.

Secondly philosophically speaking you cannot KNOW that you made a mistake any more than you can know that you didnt... because you can't divide yourself in half and have half of you experience one path and the other half experience the oposite choice, but until you do the strong probablility must exist that whichever way you had chosen something bad would have happened and you would be sitting there convinced you would have been happier with the other choice... Sorry thats just life doing what it does best! Being utterly unpredictable.

So I suspect that whatever you had decided, at some point you would have looked back and said "I made a terrible mistake."  My point is, would the other path really have been any better? Probably not in reality, at the moment you are a bit like a cat that has just been put outside, after hours scratching at the door, and now can only see the warm fire back inside and have forgotten why you wanted to go out...

The reality is that all the world that you were itching to get out and experience when you were inside is still there - and what you need to do is get on with living forwards and stop looking backwards.

Now I say that as someone who at 30+ postop has no doubts or regrets whatsoever - however - and listen carefully because I wont admit to this very often - even I probably had moments of questioning while I was convalescing and waiting for my new life to get properly started. It was only once I started to experience some positive benefits from that new life that I could really say the doubts were laid to rest.

My advice is acknowledge the feelings - but then try to get on with life, and try not to torture yourself with doubt, but rather go forward and then see how you feel in a few years time. I suspect you will find that things are a deal more positive then.

The bottom line is this. It cant be a mistake because it is what you chose, so you just have to make it work for you and make it into the right choice, because ultimately everything in life is an experience, and the only experiences which are mistakes, are ones that we do not learn and grow as people from having had. So learn grow and succeed.

[estropunk]

I think it's brave of you to be willing to talk about these feelings. I've felt a lot of the same things, especially in the first two months after surgery. I'm at about three and a half months now. I had a great month or so where I was feeling almost entirely better, I was orgasmic, experiencing little to no pain, able to move around and exercise, etc. Now, I'm developing a problem with granulation tissue that's making it impossible for me to pleasure myself. My doctor says it will go away, just part of the healing process, etc., but it's still hard to deal with. Like you said, big fear of the unknown.

So at low points, I've had some of the same feelings you did - this sense of "what did I do to myself?" "Couldn't I have just dealt with it as it was?" "What if I made a mistake?" And those are horrifying things to think, and they're very hard to talk about with a world that thinks that you should be in a state of bliss right now. But post-surgical depression is common and intense. What everyone seems to say - and I'm deciding to believe this - is to really give it time. Our minds need to get used to our new bodies, and our bodies need time to heal - I mean seriously, when you think about what we went through, of course we don't feel our best for a while.

*hugs* from someone in the same boat as you right now.

[Zumbagirl]

A few more items to add. Like others here I had problems achieving an orgasm. In retrospect I realize it's not so much an after effect of the surgery as it was my generally being a complete newbie when it came to actually how to make a vagina happy It took me a while and I did end talking to some of women friends and having some frank discussions about how to masturbate, but eventually I did manage to kick start her and get her purring

The big adjustment to me was how quiet life became after surgery. Not immediately but over the span of months as the dilating started to become less frequent my life started to return to normal. That's when I realized that minus the surgery prep, minus the ongoing electrolysis, minus all the doctor visits, clothes shopping, etc etc etc I started to have a lot of free time on my hands and I had to fill it with something. I almost made the mistake of filling my life back with work and going back to being a workaholic, but instead I started to really treasure my free time and doing the things that *I* wanted to do. That's when I can say I really started enjoying my new life. It really was worth living.

[Dena]

I didn't have post surgical regrets and I owe it to two things that happened before surgery. I had two years of RLE because of money issues. In those to year I reached the point where I was living like a woman and had put my male existence behind me. When the time for surgery came, I ask my self would I ever want to leave the life I had been living the last two years and return the the male role. I knew right away that I never would want to be a male again. If you are unsure of the answer to the question, I suggest you give yourself a little more time just living day to day and then in about 6 months ask your self that question again. I am pretty sure given a little time you will remember how much better you felt in RLE than you felt as a male. This is why you continued RLE and the reason why you didn't run from surgery.