"Most transgenders unhappy" -grandma

[November Fox]

I think you understand what I´m getting at.

My family is very supportive, but my grandma is shocked. She cares, but in a negative way. She thinks I´m "just getting carried away with this" and that I will regret it because "most transgenders are unhappy after transitioning", in her words. 

She´s a good person and she´s supported me a lot in the past when I was recovering from an abusive childhood and PTSD, but at one point she seemed to have decided I was a lost cause because I was suicidal and unstable for years, sometimes still am.

From then on she sort of decided that every decision I made had to be unstable and thus, not good for me. I think transitioning will help me because trauma is hard to treat when you feel extremely uncomfortable with your own gender. I feel that it will help me to become more myself and thus more male.

She doesn´t reply to any of this, her mind is set on me making the wrong decision. My impression (from my transgender friends and on this forum) is that most transgenders feel more stable after than before their transition. I was just wondering what you guys thought about that.

[Laura_7]

Here are some resources that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

Well according to a survey there are over 700 tsd transgender people in the us alone.
Its likely there are a few people amongst them who are unhappy with a transition.
But by far the majority reports a feeling of relief and a feeling they can be themselves.


hugs

[Catherine Sarah]

Hey November Fox,

Some people, once they make up their mind, heaven nor hell can shift them. Respect that and move on with your own happiness. Everyones entitled to their own opinion, they just don't want to live your life. You just eyed to live yours in true happiness.

Speak to you as soon as I wash the floors

Huggs
Catherine

[Kylo]

Well first of all she is not transgender, and I'm guessing doesn't personally know too many people who are, so how on earth could she know "most of them are unhappy"?

I've had the skepticism too from friends and family. Yet they know I was anxious and depressed my entire life before this. They ought to reason for 5 seconds at least that this might actually be my major malfunction and doing something about it might help. But instead they'd rather think I'm an attention whore or am losing my mind (both of which would be completely out of character for me, which they should also know).

You can't change what they think if they don't trust you and your judgement. Just do what you gotta do for yourself.

[Peep]

I hate this attitude - if trans people are unhappy it's probably because the people around us make us feel bad.

[suzifrommd]

From the statistics I've seen, post-transition satisfaction percentage runs from the high 80s to the mid 90s. That makes it one of the most successful psychological interventions in history.

[Peep]

From the statistics I've seen, post-transition satisfaction percentage runs from the high 80s to the mid 90s. That makes it one of the most successful psychological interventions in history.

I'm going to memorize that sentence haha.

[Tristyn]

I think you understand what I´m getting at.

My family is very supportive, but my grandma is shocked. She cares, but in a negative way. She thinks I´m "just getting carried away with this" and that I will regret it because "most transgenders are unhappy after transitioning", in her words. 

She´s a good person and she´s supported me a lot in the past when I was recovering from an abusive childhood and PTSD, but at one point she seemed to have decided I was a lost cause because I was suicidal and unstable for years, sometimes still am.

From then on she sort of decided that every decision I made had to be unstable and thus, not good for me. I think transitioning will help me because trauma is hard to treat when you feel extremely uncomfortable with your own gender. I feel that it will help me to become more myself and thus more male.

She doesn´t reply to any of this, her mind is set on me making the wrong decision. My impression (from my transgender friends and on this forum) is that most transgenders feel more stable after than before their transition. I was just wondering what you guys thought about that.

S'up Fox.

I know how you might be feeling with this. No, I have not ever had the guts to come out to my grandma, but the way you say she reacts so passive-defensively to your coming out and willingness to transition to help yourself actually live, like we all do, reminds me of my brother.

My brother is perhaps the only family I have who actually is close to being supportive compared to anyone else in my family. Yet whenever I bring this stuff up, he either changes the topic himself, goes dead silent until I change the subject to something like videogames or he will ask me a "what if" type of question as if to discourage me from transitioning. But I don't think its because he dislikes transgender people. He is not transphobic or homophobic. But he is obviously concerned that I might not be accustomed enough to masculinity to live sanely enough as a male in this cold-blooded world.

I am not upset with my bro, because his uncertainty about my decision to transition into a man is based on him being cautious and caring about me. Because when I came out to him in a letter I read to him over the phone, he said to me, "as long as you are happy and you do not ever want to hurt or kill yourself anymore, than I am happy..."

And that right there was enough for me to hear. After that day, I just never feel the need to discuss it so much with him anymore. Or really anyone, other than on here, my gender therapist and other health practitioners involved in my transition. Heck, I even made things a bit easier on my bro by offering him a nickname he could call me that is an androgynous and more male variation of my assigned name at birth, to make addressing me appropriately alot easier on him than expecting him to suddenly call me Phoenix every single time we speak after 26 years of knowing me only as one name since I was born until now.

And maybe it will just take time for her to come around. This is gonna make me sound like an ass, but honestly, she may never come around simply because that's just how alot of people were raised. That's why you got so many older people, 50+ years old, beginning to come out because times are starting to change. She is originally from a time where a kid would get beat, I bet, if they woke up one mornin' and told their parents, "Mommy, Daddy, I am transgender" or a boy says, "Mommy, Daddy, I like boys."

Seriously, kids got it so much easier now than I ever did as a kid.

Thank goodness though, cause no kid should ever feel as though they cannot share something like that with their own parents due to rejection and disapproval.

Hopefully things will turn out for the best. Hang in there, Fox. And try to be a bit more understanding in how she must feel in regards to all of this. This is a BIG deal for her and your other loved ones.

~Nixy~

[November Fox]

Thanks for the replies.

Yeah I also am not really sure where she got that idea.

There has actually been a major spectacle on TV here recently about a transwoman who won "Hollands Next Top Model". She came out as transgender on TV. It´s obvious that she is happy and it was very well received.

I´ve been anxious and messed up my entire life too, but before I just attributed everything to the PTSD and I did not understand why I felt so at disease with being born female. The violence directed at me was never related to my gender and never sexual, so I didn´t comprehend it until I figured it might be something else.

Like T.K.G.W said, now I´m actually glad that I zeroed in on a possible explanation for the gap between me and my body. It means I can do something about it. Only difference is I did actually lose my mind on a few ocassions so sometimes I worry that I might be wrong 

[November Fox]

Thank you for your lengthy response Nixy.

Your brother sounds like a good guy. I´m glad he ended up telling  you that he would be happy if you were happy. Maybe my gran can get to that point somewhere later on, if she sees it´s actually helping me. Right now I´m still more of an anxious mess because I´m uncomfortable in my own skin.

I totally understand this is difficult for her -the thing is, that she´s seen me as "her difficult grandkid" since I was little, I was about seven and talking about suicide. And I kind of dislike being seen like that, like a lost cause, especially now that I have actually some idea of what might be wrong.

A side remark - not all kids have it easier. I just want to say that, because it isn´t right that all kids now have it easier than before. Abuse is still a thing. And back on topic 

[Tristyn]

I´ve been anxious and messed up my entire life too, but before I just attributed everything to the PTSD and I did not understand why I felt so at disease with being born female.

I think that the way you used that word "disease," was so appropriate here. If you break that word down, its like you are actually saying that your body is not ok with its biology. Its not at ease. Hence the dis suffix of this word, which is Latin for something negating like no and not words. That's where words like disorder come from. To say I have a mood disorder is to say that my moods are out-of-order and therefore, need to be corrected in order so I can live life, for example.

So that was a great choice in wording there. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Like T.K.G.W said, now I´m actually glad that I zeroed in on a possible explanation for the gap between me and my body. It means I can do something about it. Only difference is I did actually lose my mind on a few ocassions so sometimes I worry that I might be wrong 

Are you perhaps making the correlation I think alot of us here might make, that you're mental state could be the result of the disease you feel about your body?

I can honestly answer "yes" to that question for myself. But what do you say?

I believe that the unstable tendencies you said you sometimes have in your previous post, is your body trying to tell you something is out-of-order and needs to be repaired. And it sounds like that is exactly what you are doing now simply by admitting and acknowledging that you are transgender.

~Nixy~

[November Fox]

Well, here is what applies to me, and just me, not generalizing towards anyone else.

I am mentally unstable because of trauma. I´m prone to mood swings and dissociation. The abuse directed at me discouraged me from "existing" from a very early age, and now I´m struggling to exist, but I find I exist in a body that doesn´t match me.

So it´s complicated. But my mental state is, I think, not the result of my dysphoria. My mental state was whacky to begin with and I supressed my dysphoria for a very long time, just because my brain was busy trying to process other things.

[Tristyn]

Well, here is what applies to me, and just me, not generalizing towards anyone else.

I am mentally unstable because of trauma. I´m prone to mood swings and dissociation. The abuse directed at me discouraged me from "existing" from a very early age, and now I´m struggling to exist, but I find I exist in a body that doesn´t match me.

So it´s complicated. But my mental state is, I think, not the result of my dysphoria. My mental state was whacky to begin with and I supressed my dysphoria for a very long time, just because my brain was busy trying to process other things.

I'm so sorry to even hear that. I'm sorry to actually know and be aware that there are other human beings on this planet who were brought into this world only to be forced to feel guilty for being alive. I don't believe anyone ever deserves to go through that. This is one reason, even as a kid, I always felt excruciating regret if I ever tried to follow the crowd and poke fun at someone simply for being different from the rest. Like sheeple being led to the slaughter of The Human Condition.

Fox, I believe anything is possible. Ironically enough, the least supportive person of all, my pops, taught me this. If you are willing to help correct how wrong you feel in your body, why not be willing to correct how wrong you feel in your mind? I believe you can treat those mood swings, dissociation, PTSD and whatever other mental dilemmas ails you at this time.

You can do anything you set your mind to do. Anything is possible.

I have felt like you for years. I knew I was different somehow from the majority since age 5. I began to experience suicidal ideation since I was 9 years old after being molested by a step brother at age 8. When I was like 19, that's when I had my first of many mental/nervous breakdowns/meltdowns that landed me in the mental hospital too many times to count. I have been prescribed every medication you can think of that is suppose to ease our mental dis-ease, none of which I am currently taking. I now rely on exercise, herbs, and a healthy diet as much as I know how.

Hey, Fox, dude if you ever need somebody to talk to or listen to you, don't be afraid to PM me anytime! =)

~Nixy~

[captains]

Rates of suicidal ideation drop from 80% to 4% in the trans population (Source: a talk I just went to from the Transgender Equality Network Ireland).

[WorkingOnThomas]

In a similar boat here. I had an abusive childhood as well, and wound up in an institution at one point, and the hospital after various suicide attempts. Also had various diagnoses and been on an assortment of medications. I've had my doubts, fed by other people, particularly relatives, about being trans. Like, what if I'm doing this because of something my uncle did to me? Does that make it less genuine? Maybe I just need more therapy/more drugs?

The conclusion that I've come to is that that is all bs. I can't change what happened. And I'm not going to live the rest of my life with that hanging over me. Questioning everything I do because of him? ->-bleeped-<- him. This is about me, and what I want/need. And since I've finally stopped denying who I am, I've been happier than I have in years. I still have anxiety, and bad days. But they're more bearable now, and I'm cutting back on my meds. I don't feel as out of place, or like I have to keep up an act 24/7. People are accepting me for who I really am, not some stupid (and apparently unconvincing) puppet I hid behind.

Out of all the regrets that I do have, this is not one of them.

If you guys ever need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me.

Thomas

[Tristyn]

Rates of suicidal ideation drop from 80% to 4% in the trans population (Source: a talk I just went to from the Transgender Equality Network Ireland).

Shouldn't this right here be all the validation and proof one needs in determining whether or not transitioning is a good or bad thing?

I couldn't believe what I heard one mother of a transwoman said about her coming out and transitioning. This woman actually said it would have been better if her own daughter chose suicide over her transitioning and finally being comfortable and at peace with her own body.

I mean, who says some sick ass stuff like that to they own flesh and blood child?! I don't care if my child wanted to turn they body into a block of damn goat cheese, especially if that would bring them much peace and fulfillment in the end! I would never in my life tell them to kill themselves instead. Damn shame is what that is! >.> Not to mention selfish...I mean, they call us selfish for wanting to transition, but if you think about it, some of them are the ones who are actually selfish cause they striving to keep alive a false image they perceived about us for they own selfish ambitions, not ours! That's why you got people like The Real Barbie(forgot her actual name) sayin' that she never wants kids. Cause she don't want 'em to suffer like so many of us have, unfortunately....

I am sorry for gettin' a bit annoyed here, but it is so unsettling when people who are supposed to love us unconditionally would rather us be six feet under by our own hand than to live in peace and harmony in the right body and gender.

~Nixy~

[Laura_7]

Shouldn't this right here be all the validation and proof one needs in determining whether or not transitioning is a good or bad thing?

I couldn't believe what I heard one mother of a transwoman said about her coming out and transitioning. This woman actually said it would have been better if her own daughter chose suicide over her transitioning and finally being comfortable and at peace with her own body.

I mean, who says some sick ass stuff like that to they own flesh and blood child?! I don't care if my child wanted to turn they body into a block of damn goat cheese, especially if that would bring them much peace and fulfillment in the end! I would never in my life tell them to kill themselves instead. Damn shame is what that is! >.> Not to mention selfish...I mean, they call us selfish for wanting to transition, but if you think about it, some of them are the ones who are actually selfish cause they striving to keep alive a false image they perceived about us for they own selfish ambitions, not ours! That's why you got people like The Real Barbie(forgot her actual name) sayin' that she never wants kids. Cause she don't want 'em to suffer like so many of us have, unfortunately....

I am sorry for gettin' a bit annoyed here, but it is so unsettling when people who are supposed to love us unconditionally would rather us be six feet under by our own hand than to live in peace and harmony in the right body and gender.

~Nixy~

Well its people coming from another generation.
People of younger generations are much more understanding imo.
And even from older generations some people come around over time...
and some are already understanding...


*hugs*

[November Fox]

Also had various diagnoses and been on an assortment of medications. I've had my doubts, fed by other people, particularly relatives, about being trans. Like, what if I'm doing this because of something my uncle did to me? Does that make it less genuine? Maybe I just need more therapy/more drugs?

I can relate to this a lot. Especially the part where it seems less genuine, or better said I doubt myself as being genuine while pursuing this. Thanks for sharing it. It´s good to know that there´s people out there with messed up childhoods and wondering about their gender, yet are still true to themselves.

I sometimes also worry that I might "want to be a man" because of feelings of weakness and impotency I was left with, but then I remember that the male strong cliché is not always true (my dad was the opposite) and that I would rather be a sensitive dude than one that doesn´t care about anything.

Statistics are good to know but I think in the end one should feel for themselves whether transitioning is the right thing for them. I´m pretty damn sure, but the times I start to question myself, I feel like my whole integrity falls apart. It´s annoying.

Nixy, people who say stuff like that are obviously lost in some sort of limbo, where rationalizations go so far as to ignore feelings and empathy completely. It´s sad that this happens, but it´s also kind of sad for them, in this case the mother.

[Tristyn]

And even from older generations some people come around over time...
and some are already understanding...


*hugs*

I think that is true. And its very comforting to know that, believe me. But, I haven't had any luck of running into any of that sort of positive reception.

I mean, I heard a fellow black transman mention in one of his vlogs how his grandma received his coming out letter he read on a youtube video for his family, better than anybody else in his life. He also said that times are changing and even the older generation is starting to accept it. And, no, I'm not just taking his word for it, but I don't actually see that happening for myself.

Like my neighbor across the street. I am way to frightened to legitimately come out to her due to her old-school, deep South, Conservative Christian lifestyle ways. >.< Sadly, I just avoid and ignore her. Not because I don't like her. But because I am so afraid that she will disapprove of me like my family already has for the most part, I believe. For once, I want to be loved and accepted for who I really am and not for what people want me to be. I wrote a coming out letter for her like several months ago, but I ain't strike up enough courage to deliver this to her. I fear she may pass away from old age before I even have the chance to read this to her and tell her the truth. I miss talkin' with her already.....

~Nixy~

[lostcharlie]

not trying to be crass, but I think I'd have to ask grandma how many transgender people she knows......