What am I?

[Emily-G]

Hello Everyone,

I know these topics are common-place, but I sincerely appreciate any thoughts on this. Sorry, this is really LONG.

Thank you.

*** This will be graphic ***

Basically, I'm about to go with my 4th therapist to try to find some resolution on whether I need to transition from Male to Female or not. What bothers me is that I've wanted to transition my entire life (27 years old), but I can't decide WHY I really want to do it other than I just do.

Part of me feels like it's just a fetish, but another part of me feels like it is so much more than just a fetish. I see many crossdressing websites and all the people on there are wearing ridiculous outfits with huge heels and it seems like it's a weekend night thing. Me personally, I don't want to wear those ridiculous outfits because I look ugly in them and I don't think most girls actually wear that stuff.

I buy female blue jeans and shirts that fit and are good for my body type. I do wear panties all the time (don't own any male underwear), but it's not the crazy lacy super sexy underwear... It's like Hanes cotton bikinis (that fit) and hipster and some panty briefs.. That all fit. I also usually wear a sports bra all the time also. In addition, I shave my legs, chest and arms, armpits daily. In addition, I also have my toe nails painted... Why? Because it makes me feel good.

I actually get depressed if I have to wear guy stuff. For example, I have a job interview on Monday and I need to wear professional clothes. I'm really anxious, that I might not be able to wear one of my sports bras. I'm especially depressed that if I get the job, I might not be able to wear one ever while at work... Which is enough to almost make me cry. Or this morning, I had gone over 24 hrs without shaving my arms and legs and I was having a minor-mental breakdown because the hair was starting to grow back and I could feel it. Another example, I had to go to this orientation for this University I just got accepted into.. I was super uncomfortable with the fact that I had to wear guy jeans and a guy shirt.. I really wanted to wear my new jeans I just bought and at least a female undershirt.

Even relating to my penis.. Most days, I absolutely hate it. It's always in the way, and it completely grosses me out when I start to get an erection. I've spent many hours looking for some kind of herb that'll lower my sex drive so I won't get erections anymore. I can't even fully explain the degree to which I feel so disgusting every time I'm horny. I've been trying to stop masturbating completely and 2 nights ago it was keeping me up. I spent a majority of the night in the fetal position in my bed vowing to myself to beg my therapist for some t blocker to stop this from ever happening.

Even when I was younger, I used to daydream about a car accident that forced doctors to remove my penis. I even used to take a knife to it, and consider removing it. I always stopped because I knew I'd probably bleed out and die.

With that all said...

If I were to say that I didn't get any sexual gratification out of wearing women's clothing or the idea of being a woman.. I'd be lying. In fact, in the past, almost every time I ever masturbated, it was to something involving being a woman. Either having sex as a woman with a man, or if I was trying to stop wearing women's clothes.. Even the idea of throwing out all my male clothes was enough to make me orgasm or to finally having breasts.

I can count on one hand the amount of times I've masturbated to sleeping with anyone as a man. Now that I wear women's clothing as much as possible, it doesn't have the same appeal. But it's still very concerning to me why the idea turned me on so much in the past.

I think it might be due to pornography and erotic literature that I've read. When I was 19, I started listening to hypnosis that was designed to "feminize" you because I thought I just needed an extra push to get me over being scared. Typically, these hypnosis sessions range from being slightly erotic to full on erotic, which isn't what I wanted... But I would truly feel completely female while in the trance, so I did it anyway. I think these sessions implanted some kind of seed for these erotic feelings.

Prior to that, there seemed to be a distinction between being a woman and what I wanted sexually. However, I will point out that I've only slept with 3 men, and 3 women and I did not orgasm with any of them. I wonder if it's the affect of pornography on my mind... So I've begun to quit pornography entirely and let my brain reboot.

But it's REALLY, REALLY, REALLY bothersome to me that I had these feelings sexually. It makes me doubt I am trans, and that I just have a sex addiction and have traded sex with people, with gender fantasy. I really, really hate this idea because my gender feelings used to be entirely a non-sexual endeavor.

Besides the sexual stuff, I've always struggled with my gender. I remember wanting to be a girl as early as I can remember. I used to pray nightly to God asking for him to change me into a girl. I used to say I would give anything, my soul, my dog, a family member.. Even if he turned me into someone really unattractive.. I didn't care.

I spent years online with a female profile on forums, video games etc... So much so that I would often forget I was a guy. It would shock my system when people in real life would call me Mr. or Sir.

Anyways, I started to try to masculinize myself when I fell in love with this girl who broke up with me because I was "too sensitive". I realized that I didn't know anything about sports, cars, guns, beer or anything else stereotypically masculine besides maybe the music that I liked. In fact, this was around the time that I had just bought a 100 dollar Chee straightener, and my mom was considering paying 300 for my birthday to completely straighten my hair professionally. Basically I broke down..

So I started smoking marijuana, and began taking oxycotton every time I got depressed about my gender. I figured my family would rather have a drug addict boy than a transgender daughter. Eventually my family found out and moved me to a different state with an aunt.. In which I still used drugs but I promised them I would join the military. I chose the Marine Corps because I thought it masculinize me some more.

The Marine Corps didn't stop my feelings, it stopped the drug usage which was good. But I ended up drinking alcohol like a fish and adopted a new masculine identity. I went to the gym often, was dipping tobacco, always going to the bar and became a model Marine. In fact, I was often referred to running my section with an "iron fist" because I let no BS happen ever. I was a complete man that other newer Marines idolized.

But people began to think I was gay because I never had a girlfriend, or slept with anyone. I thought maybe I wasn't trans, maybe I was gay. So I tried coming out to a few people as gay but it didn't fit for me. I didn't want to be a guy with a guy, I wanted to be a girl with a guy.

Anyways, to end this, now I'm out of the Marine Corps, in college and still struggling with these feelings. I do find women super attractive.. But I get super excited inside whenever I see a cute outfit they are wearing. I feel really depressed that I don't desire sex with women, I just admire their bodies. I don't desire sex with men either, unless I'm a girl. I feel super limited and alone.

I do feel like there is a sexual overtone to everything and it makes me uncomfortable fully accepting I'm trans. I'm afraid I'll be on hormones for 2 years, possibly get surgery and realize the entire thing was one giant fantasy.

But to call myself a crossdresser feels like it would marginalize the amount of pain I went through growing up.

I did find out recently that my older sister used to dress me up in women's clothing when I was really small, but I don't remember this at all. Perhaps this started things.

I could keep going about my childhood, things that occurred, teenage years etc.. But I'll leave it here.

Any words of wisdom or thoughts?

[Deborah]

Your story is about 90% exactly like mine except I was a Soldier for 20 years instead of a Marine.  If I was a psychologist I'd say you are trans without a doubt.  What you might do is stop second guessing yourself for a while and go with it.  Try HRT.  It will remove the sexual part allowing you to see things much more clearly.  It doesn't commit you to any specific end but it will help you get your mind in order.  Then you can make a reasoned decision about the future.  Anyway, it did do that for me.  Good luck.


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[Dena]

There is nothing wrong with you other than the fact you are transgender. The reason you can't figure out why you do this is because before you were born, your brain wasn't exposed to sufficient testosterone to masculinize it so it remained in the default feminine state. Some people understate this as young as 3 years old. Many of us figure it out when we hit puberty as high levels of testosterone are incompatible with our brain. Others may start dealing with it as late as 50 or 60 years old.

Therapy won't make it go away and taking male hormones will only make you more uncomfortable. Drugs are available that we call blockers and they will chemically castrate you causing these feelings to be reduced but it may not make them completely go away so we transition to the opposite gender where we are comfortable with our body and life. It's a personal decision exactly what we can live with. I was transsexual and reassignment surgery was on the list. Others can live without surgery and some find part time cross dressing is all they need.

You need to stop attempting to figure out why you are the way you are and determine what type of life will make you comfortable. A gender therapist can help you with that and some may even do Skype if you are unable to find a local therapist.

Feel free to ask me any questions you might have by posting to this thread. My knowledge and life story are available to help you come to terms with yourself.

[Deborah]

I just want to add that I understand your discomfort and confusion over the sexual feelings.  I had the same confusion.  If you are trans those feelings are there because of the testosterone in your system.  That's what testosterone does.  It causes anyone to become aroused and focused on sex.  If you do HRT the testosterone will be reduced and the sexual feelings will be gone, or at least greatly reduced.  At that point if the trans feelings remain and you are not bothered by the loss of the sexual feelings you will be able to answer to yourself what you are.

The testosterone reducing effects happen relatively quickly, within weeks, long before any physical changes become evident or permanent.  So if you feel it isn't for you you can stop without any lasting effect.

For me though, the loss of the sexual part felt like a huge burden lifted and brought everything into focus.


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[Emily-G]

I wanted to take a moment and collect my thoughts.

It's interesting because I often do second guess myself and I didn't really think of it like that. Usually I'm in a cycle where I feel very sure of who I am and then something will come along that will make me doubt myself. But I always return to these same issues.

[Deborah]

. Usually I'm in a cycle where I feel very sure of who I am and then something will come along that will make me doubt myself. But I always return to these same issues.

Yes, I did too.  Like I said, your story is about 90% the same as mine.  The only major difference is that I got married and held it all in longer.  I don't recommend holding it in because if it's there it's coming out sooner or later anyway.  You can find a way to deal with this but only you can answer what that way will be given time.  I highly recommend speaking with a therapist specializing in gender issues and then moving on from there.  It can get better and you are taking the first step in getting there.


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[JLT1]

Hi!!

I struggled, well, still struggle with some of those same issius.  Am I, really, transgender?  Am I really a woman?  Sometimes I think this is crazy....  I don't know about all that.

What I do know is that I am whole, complete and me. The changes to my psyche dwarf any physical change. My mind works.  I FEEL....  Each time I look in the mirror, I smile because I am me.  My dreams and fantasies are about being me with someone rather than me being something different with someone.  I am in control of my sexual desires.  I never knew I missed so much. I never knew life could be so good...

Labels are meaningless.  Be what you are. Find it and live it.

Hugs

Jen

[Emily-G]

Thank you for the responses.

I do feel more at ease at the moment, I think I just needed some validation. I keep looking at my life and analyzing every aspect of my life, trying to put a gender on it. For example, I just saw a movie trailer for a movie based on the civil war with Matthew Mcconaughey ( ) and I thought to myself, I want to see this movie. All the sudden, my mind was filled with questions of why would a girl want to see this movie..

It's enough to make you go crazy!

I keep wondering if I was in a solid relationship, if things would change. It's weird, I don't want to change the way I feel, but for some reason I keep thinking of others feelings more than my own. Particularly my family and friends.

I do want to at least try HRT.

Do you simply ask your therapist or how does that work? Will I be able to handle the emotional changes gracefully? I don't want to burst into tears in the middle of work or class for no reason, that would be embarrassing.

[itsApril]

. . . I just saw a movie trailer for a movie based on the civil war with Matthew Mcconaughey ( ) and I thought to myself, I want to see this movie. All the sudden, my mind was filled with questions of why would a girl want to see this movie. . . .

Maybe just to look at Matthew McConaughey.  He's pretty hot, ya know!

[JLT1]

I remember dating a woman that I  loved while I was full of testosterone, trying to be a guy.  One time, she got mad at me and started to cry.  I tried to hold her and comfort her.  She became almost enraged and shoved me away.  I did not understand that or what I had done wrong.

About nine months after my Estrogen levels went female normal and testosterone had done the same, I got mad at someone, almost furious.  I suddenly started to cry.  I was shocked and confused at my behavior.  I was talking with a girlfriend of mine and I asked her if this was normal.  She thought it was for many women.  She also said that I would learn to control it.  She was right, I have learned.  It was one of those times that was embarrassing.  They happen, you will learn. 

For me, I was a woman full of testosterone.  It didn't work. Everything was off.  Now, everything is not perfect because I am not perfect.  But it is  correct for a normal woman.

If a person decides to transition, there will be ackward and embarrassing moments.  But that person will learn and in learning, they become more themselves.

Hugs

Jen

[Emily-G]

How long do transwomen usually take hormones before transitioning fully?

It's kinda strange to me, but there is still a part of me that is latching onto my male identity. I think it's because I pass as a guy and people like me. I'm afraid to let that go. But I think I'm realizing that I'm not living fully at all.

As for passing...
I'm between 5'10 and 5'11 and 190 pounds... I want to get down to at least 160, right now my shoulders are far too broad to be convincing at all. I also have a HUGE head, but my saving grace is I have very feminine facial features. I always got told when I was younger that if I wore lipstick and a wig I'd look just like a girl.

Maybe just to look at Matthew McConaughey.  He's pretty hot, ya know!

MmHmm.. Ya!

I remember dating a woman that I  loved while I was full of testosterone, trying to be a guy.  One time, she got mad at me and started to cry.  I tried to hold her and comfort her.  She became almost enraged and shoved me away.  I did not understand that or what I had done wrong.

About nine months after my Estrogen levels went female normal and testosterone had done the same, I got mad at someone, almost furious.  I suddenly started to cry.  I was shocked and confused at my behavior.  I was talking with a girlfriend of mine and I asked her if this was normal.  She thought it was for many women.  She also said that I would learn to control it.  She was right, I have learned.  It was one of those times that was embarrassing.  They happen, you will learn. 

For me, I was a woman full of testosterone.  It didn't work. Everything was off.  Now, everything is not perfect because I am not perfect.  But it is  correct for a normal woman.

If a person decides to transition, there will be ackward and embarrassing moments.  But that person will learn and in learning, they become more themselves.

Hugs

Jen

While that sounds embarrassing at the time, that almost sounds like a rewarding experience to look back on in an odd way.

So 9 months? That's not bad, I could try estrogen for maybe 2-3 months and see how I feel without to much worry.

It's good to hear people are overwhelmingly happy after transitioning. It seems I only ever hear of people that transition and regret it.

[Deborah]

As far as emotional changes that seems to be an individual thing.  Some people start crying a lot and others don't.  I didn't although I was prone to already in certain types of movies LOL.  I want to point out too that if you look around you'll probably notice that some CIS women cry easily and others don't.  Everybody  is an individual and it's the same with HRT.

I did change in some other ways though but it isn't like it makes you a different person.  It's more like having a brain fog lifted that accentuates the positive aspects of what was already there and greatly reduces or eliminates the negative aspects.  My emotions did change but not drastically.  It was more they put me in a good mood so that I walk around with a silly smile all the time.   Before I was constantly on edge and prone to quick anger.  They also made my brain work faster, I think because it wasn't distracted all the time by dysphoria.  I believe my writing skills improved or at least I started liking to write more and it improved my ability to  recall words rapidly to use in writing or speaking.  My profession occasionally requires me to use a lot of math and I didn't see any change there positive or negative. 

When I read your description of yourself I had to smile because once again it looks like we are carbon copies.  LOL.  Physical changes on HRT will also be individual and can't be predicted.  You will lose a lot of upper body muscle mass but those changes happen pretty slowly, over a period of more than a year.  You will lose strength.  Some people report that they get so weak they can't open jars.  That didn't happen to me.  I probably have lost some strength but it really isn't noticeable to me in daily life.  What I could do before I can still do now.

There are a couple of ways to go about getting on HRT.  Some Drs might just give it to you if you ask.  Many will not.  If you see a gender therapist the common standard seems to be that they will want to see you enough times to diagnose gender dysphoria.  How many times depends on the therapist.  With mine it took three visits over the period of about a month.  That could have been faster but I had to save money between visits so I had to space them out.  Then the therapist writes a letter they send to an endocrinologist of your choice.  Depending on where you live there may be an endo with trans experience in your area which makes things very easy.  They will give you a blood test to make sure nothing is wrong and prescribe the Meds.  Then you go back in three months for another blood test and then at six month intervals after that.  Please take a look at this link.  It contains the standards of care that will answer most of your questions.

http://www.wpath.org/uploaded_files/140/files/Standards%20of%20Care,%20V7%20Full%20Book.pdf

As for how long people are on HRT before they do anything else that varies widely.  For some it's very short and for others it's very long.  That's pretty much entirely up to you.


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[Sebby Michelango]

You sounds transgender for me. But I can't say anything sure, I hasn't meet you in real life. It sounds like you try to not be yourself and pushing away your transfeeling including your own brain. It's the society that is something wrong with. The society doesn't always understand and can be mean. Most of us humans has sex fantasy and some of us has fetish too. It's normal. Because you have so much testosterone in your body, it would affect you in many ways. Example sex drive etc. Too much testosterone isn't healthy for a trans woman, it's triggering their dysphoria in many cases. (Not every trans woman, but many of them) Maybe a gender therapist can come with more advice.

[Emily-G]

As far as emotional changes that seems to be an individual thing.  Some people start crying a lot and others don't.  I didn't although I was prone to already in certain types of movies LOL.  I want to point out too that if you look around you'll probably notice that some CIS women cry easily and others don't.  Everybody  is an individual and it's the same with HRT.

I did change in some other ways though but it isn't like it makes you a different person.  It's more like having a brain fog lifted that accentuates the positive aspects of what was already there and greatly reduces or eliminates the negative aspects.  My emotions did change but not drastically.  It was more they put me in a good mood so that I walk around with a silly smile all the time.   Before I was constantly on edge and prone to quick anger.  They also made my brain work faster, I think because it wasn't distracted all the time by dysphoria.  I believe my writing skills improved or at least I started liking to write more and it improved my ability to  recall words rapidly to use in writing or speaking.  My profession occasionally requires me to use a lot of math and I didn't see any change there positive or negative. 

When I read your description of yourself I had to smile because once again it looks like we are carbon copies.  LOL.  Physical changes on HRT will also be individual and can't be predicted.  You will lose a lot of upper body muscle mass but those changes happen pretty slowly, over a period of more than a year.  You will lose strength.  Some people report that they get so weak they can't open jars.  That didn't happen to me.  I probably have lost some strength but it really isn't noticeable to me in daily life.  What I could do before I can still do now.

There are a couple of ways to go about getting on HRT.  Some Drs might just give it to you if you ask.  Many will not.  If you see a gender therapist the common standard seems to be that they will want to see you enough times to diagnose gender dysphoria.  How many times depends on the therapist.  With mine it took three visits over the period of about a month.  That could have been faster but I had to save money between visits so I had to space them out.  Then the therapist writes a letter they send to an endocrinologist of your choice.  Depending on where you live there may be an endo with trans experience in your area which makes things very easy.  They will give you a blood test to make sure nothing is wrong and prescribe the Meds.  Then you go back in three months for another blood test and then at six month intervals after that.  Please take a look at this link.  It contains the standards of care that will answer most of your questions.

http://www.wpath.org/uploaded_files/140/files/Standards%20of%20Care,%20V7%20Full%20Book.pdf

As for how long people are on HRT before they do anything else that varies widely.  For some it's very short and for others it's very long.  That's pretty much entirely up to you.


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Thanks for the link!

Your reply sounds like everything I want, but there is still a small part of me that is just like, "Are you sure this is what you want?" I have anxiety over what if I completely transition and I realize that this entire thing was just a way of covering up an underlying issue that I don't completely recognize right now.

Is this normal? I feel almost guilty for having those feelings sometimes, because it makes me doubt myself... On the other hand, it takes A LOT of mental preparation just to get me through the week. I've felt like my entire life this transition was inevitable and I don't want to put it off any longer.

I think I'm just worried about the first year of transition as I can imagine that will be difficult. 5 years ago, I was a 148 pound skeleton but after 4 years in the Marine Corps I left at 187 pounds. I have been dieting for awhile and have lost 7 pounds, but I think I need to start running again to get slimmer. 

It's kinda funny, when I imagine myself 3-5 years from now, fully transitioned, working and enjoying life.. All of my anxiety goes away. It's just the uncertainty of it all that makes me worry.

You sounds transgender for me. But I can't say anything sure, I hasn't meet you in real life. It sounds like you try to not be yourself and pushing away your transfeeling including your own brain. It's the society that is something wrong with. The society doesn't always understand and can be mean. Most of us humans has sex fantasy and some of us has fetish too. It's normal. Because you have so much testosterone in your body, it would affect you in many ways. Example sex drive etc. Too much testosterone isn't healthy for a trans woman, it's triggering their dysphoria in many cases. (Not every trans woman, but many of them) Maybe a gender therapist can come with more advice.

I'm glad you said this, it's made me feel much better about myself. I just want to fast forward a few years and get there quicker. All of this testosterone in me just makes me feel like screaming all the time.. It's much too intense for me.

[Deborah]

Doubt is perfectly normal.  I think lack of any doubt whatsoever would be a bigger problem.  If it were as simple as taking a test this would be so easy.  But it's a thing of the mind and while science pretty well knows what happens to cause this the mind still largely remains a mystery.

So that's where an experienced gender therapist or psychologist comes in.  They will be able to help guide you through this mind maze until you find the answer to your satisfaction.  But in the end you are the only one with direct access to your mind so the questions are left to you to answer.


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[Emily-G]

Hmm, okay.

Well I'm supposed to meet with a new therapist this week, hopefully to work out some of these issues. My experience thus far with therapy is we spend many months talking and neither the therapist or myself have really figured anything else out. It's almost like they'd rather have someone with an easier issue like marriage counseling than to try to navigate the chaos in my mind.

My last therapist after 5 months came to the conclusion that I was pansexual, and that I needed to accept that I was happy not being in a relationship ever. She also had no clue whether I should transition or not. I was just like gee thanks!

Perhaps I should bring that up first thing.

[Deborah]

Are you seeing a therapist that specialized in transsexual issues, or at least has a lot of experience with it?  That might make a big difference.

I have only ever been to one psychologist and he was a trans man himself.  So he had pretty first hand intimate knowledge of the whole thing, especially how it feels inside.  Maybe you can find someone like that although you might have to travel to a big city.


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[Emily-G]

Are you seeing a therapist that specialized in transsexual issues, or at least has a lot of experience with it?  That might make a big difference.

I have only ever been to one psychologist and he was a trans man himself.  So he had pretty first hand intimate knowledge of the whole thing, especially how it feels inside.  Maybe you can find someone like that although you might have to travel to a big city.


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To be honest I am not sure.

My last therapist stated that she did work with transgender identity issues and she said she had transgender clients in the past.

Basically, I am going through my University's personnel because it's basically free. My former therapist is the Director of the therapy department for students and is no longer taking additional clients unless they wish to pay her $160.00 a session rate. She said she would see who would be best suited for my concerns and then get back with me.

I don't wish to give the wrong impression of my former therapist. It just wasn't what I expected. I actually expected for a professional to listen to me talk and give me their opinion and possibly diagnose me with some disorder or another. Yet it seemed more like whatever I said, as long as it was positive she just agreed with. Rarely did she interject her own opinion, which I guess was professional but not very helpful in my opinion.

[Deborah]

My therapist mostly listened too and gave a few suggestions for relieving dysphoria.  I did ask straight out on the second visit if he had a diagnosis though and he said that it was pretty clear.

I was pretty straightforward from the start and told him before the first appointment that I was trans and wanted a letter for hormones.  Then at the first appointment I told him that while I was pretty sure, I did want an honest diagnosis and to rule out anything else like insanity.  :-).  So the sessions were pretty focused.

I had already been examining myself inside and out for 45 years and figured I had spent something like 14,000 hours thinking, praying, and reading about the subject.  I knew my answer but needed it validated for my own peace of mind and more so for the hormone letter.

So maybe you can do something like that and tell them exactly what you are looking for so they can focus on that.


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[Emily-G]

Thanks for the input!

I live in Houston, so there should be plenty around here. I'm going to follow-up with this school therapist first I think. It's much more financially sound, it's only $5.00 a session. I was paying $600.00/mth before which killed my savings from the Marine Corps.

I do think I need to be more upfront about my expectations. I guess I kinda just wanted to explain this war in my head and just wait for them to say... Your trans!

Perhaps with me not being so upfront, they just wish to make me feel better at the moment. I wish they could just scan my head and just read a transcript of my thoughts on paper instead of me having to try to explain in a coherent state to someone that doesn't experience it first hand.