I don't think this has anything to do with my gender or any other identity, but maybe more to do with paranoia that gets worse from the things I hear and see going on in this often terrible world that greatly victimizes people like you and me.
We do hear too often about stories of transgender people (usually transwomen) who are taken advantage of sexually. Indeed, we need to be very careful and I am so aware of that. Even I was sexually harassed many times before in my life and yes, I was molested by a step brother at the ripe age of 8. Even recently, a man gratified himself by pinching one of my exposed nipples. To be brief, you can see now why I am very uncomfortable around mainly cis men, but any man in general, yet I want to be one biologically too!
Unfortunately, this makes doctor visits and other medical appointments, like dialysis a very real mental struggle for me. Because in these situations, its required for me to be touched to carry out certain procedures (i.e. insertion of dialysis needles, fitting of blood pressure cuff, examinations like PAP smears, God forbid, e.t.c.). I would honestly rather die than to allow a man to perform PAP smears and/or EKGs on me....
ever! I
have to have a female do these (and I
must have a binder on during the EKG especially) or I will upright refuse it altogether even if it is a requirement. I have had this occur to the point where some men seemed to even take offense to it. Sometimes I think to refuse a male medical staff to touch me for any procedure says to them, "That's (being me) not a 'man' after all. 'She'
must be a woman down there." So disgusting.
I suppose its
how I have asked sometimes. I try to be more polite about it now by asking with a "please" and using more "I" language in place of alot of "You" language to avoid placing them in a false state of blame or something. I think when I ask for a female, it really implies to them that maybe I think of them as being less of a person, that I look down on them somehow, or maybe that they aren't worthy of putting their hands on me like a woman is. That's why I think that guy touched my nipple. He was an employee with the Rapid Response Team in the local hospital I used to go to up until that point. I was restrained completely down to the bed for having intense meltdowns and was completely vulnerable and nude. I was taken advantage of in my most uncontrollable state. And he knew me and what I don't like; to be touched by men. And he shot out of there like a rocket once he put his filthy hands on me after he rudely commented about how we go way back along with a bratty young female nurse who obnoxiously laughed at my pathetic sight of me being bare skin and restrained to the bed for several hours straight, like an animal. Once he left, I turned into a monster and raged on and on about what I wanted to do to the guy, nearly taking the damn hospital bed with me. It was like being possessed by a demon.
So, its things, like this, that make me wonder if I am really wrong at all for feeling naturally uneasy around cis men or them placing their hands or other parts of their body on me. Hell, I can't understand how someone like me, the way I am now, had actually at one point in time, been in a relationship with one. Though it died faster than marriages between celebrities.
I mean, what I hate about this is how guilty I am manipulated to feel from cis guys who can't handle being told "don't touch me, please?" Like they see themselves being rejected on a date or something, all over again. I dunno. Like one newer guy at my dialysis center (whom I honestly found to be irritating the first time I saw him and he just stared at me for about 20 to 30 seconds saying nothing, which I despise beyond reason. >.>) used to speak with me every now and then until one day he exits the treatment room to immediately scold me jokingly I guess, (but it was irritating as hell) for playing, what he immediately (and incorrectly) assumed to be
Metal Gear Solid on my PSP as what I previously told him I was playing like the last time he saw me which was only two freakin' days ago! I guess he just wanted to start a conversation with me, seeing that I will not start one unless someone begins speaking to me first. However, my attention was so focused on the game prior to his irksome presence that he thought it necessary (and impolitely) to roughly nudge my foot with one of his own...and I wasn't goin' for that. It was gonna be on and poppin' if he didn't stop like I asked him to. Yeah, I wanted to be an adult about it and asked him like an adult, to stop touching me. Ever since then, he hasn't said a word to me. As if sending a telepathic message that I was some how wrong to politely request that I do not want to
ever be touched....
Anyone else here struggle or have a similar experience?
I think other things that contribute to the dislike I feel about men touching me are the nightmarish experiences my mom had to go through as a child that I will not post here for her personal safety, privacy, well-being and reputation. Her "experiences," were so awful that I have almost made them my own and makes me paranoid beyond reason. The only men I might touch when coerced to hug or something, is like my brother and maybe my dad too......
I am really sorry if this thread was way too long and junk. This topic been heavy on my heart for a loooong time, yo.
Phoenix
