I don't think this has anything to do with my gender or any other identity, but maybe more to do with paranoia that gets worse from the things I hear and see going on in this often terrible world that greatly victimizes people like you and me.

We do hear too often about stories of transgender people (usually transwomen) who are taken advantage of sexually. Indeed, we need to be very careful and I am so aware of that. Even I was sexually harassed many times before in my life and yes, I was molested by a step brother at the ripe age of 8. Even recently, a man gratified himself by pinching one of my exposed nipples. To be brief, you can see now why I am very uncomfortable around mainly cis men, but any man in general, yet I want to be one biologically too!

Unfortunately, this makes doctor visits and other medical appointments, like dialysis a very real mental struggle for me. Because in these situations, its required for me to be touched to carry out certain procedures (i.e. insertion of dialysis needles, fitting of blood pressure cuff, examinations like PAP smears, God forbid, e.t.c.). I would honestly rather die than to allow a man to perform PAP smears and/or EKGs on me....ever! I have to have a female do these (and I must have a binder on during the EKG especially) or I will upright refuse it altogether even if it is a requirement. I have had this occur to the point where some men seemed to even take offense to it. Sometimes I think to refuse a male medical staff to touch me for any procedure says to them, "That's (being me) not a 'man' after all. 'She' must be a woman down there." So disgusting.

I suppose its how I have asked sometimes. I try to be more polite about it now by asking with a "please" and using more "I" language in place of alot of "You" language to avoid placing them in a false state of blame or something. I think when I ask for a female, it really implies to them that maybe I think of them as being less of a person, that I look down on them somehow, or maybe that they aren't worthy of putting their hands on me like a woman is. That's why I think that guy touched my nipple. He was an employee with the Rapid Response Team in the local hospital I used to go to up until that point. I was restrained completely down to the bed for having intense meltdowns and was completely vulnerable and nude. I was taken advantage of in my most uncontrollable state. And he knew me and what I don't like; to be touched by men. And he shot out of there like a rocket once he put his filthy hands on me after he rudely commented about how we go way back along with a bratty young female nurse who obnoxiously laughed at my pathetic sight of me being bare skin and restrained to the bed for several hours straight, like an animal. Once he left, I turned into a monster and raged on and on about what I wanted to do to the guy, nearly taking the damn hospital bed with me. It was like being possessed by a demon.

So, its things, like this, that make me wonder if I am really wrong at all for feeling naturally uneasy around cis men or them placing their hands or other parts of their body on me. Hell, I can't understand how someone like me, the way I am now, had actually at one point in time, been in a relationship with one. Though it died faster than marriages between celebrities.

I mean, what I hate about this is how guilty I am manipulated to feel from cis guys who can't handle being told "don't touch me, please?" Like they see themselves being rejected on a date or something, all over again. I dunno. Like one newer guy at my dialysis center (whom I honestly found to be irritating the first time I saw him and he just stared at me for about 20 to 30 seconds saying nothing, which I despise beyond reason. >.>) used to speak with me every now and then until one day he exits the treatment room to immediately scold me jokingly I guess, (but it was irritating as hell) for playing, what he immediately (and incorrectly) assumed to be Metal Gear Solid on my PSP as what I previously told him I was playing like the last time he saw me which was only two freakin' days ago! I guess he just wanted to start a conversation with me, seeing that I will not start one unless someone begins speaking to me first. However, my attention was so focused on the game prior to his irksome presence that he thought it necessary (and impolitely) to roughly nudge my foot with one of his own...and I wasn't goin' for that. It was gonna be on and poppin' if he didn't stop like I asked him to. Yeah, I wanted to be an adult about it and asked him like an adult, to stop touching me. Ever since then, he hasn't said a word to me. As if sending a telepathic message that I was some how wrong to politely request that I do not want to ever be touched....

Anyone else here struggle or have a similar experience?

I think other things that contribute to the dislike I feel about men touching me are the nightmarish experiences my mom had to go through as a child that I will not post here for her personal safety, privacy, well-being and reputation. Her "experiences," were so awful that I have almost made them my own and makes me paranoid beyond reason. The only men I might touch when coerced to hug or something, is like my brother and maybe my dad too......

I am really sorry if this thread was way too long and junk. This topic been heavy on my heart for a loooong time, yo.



Phoenix

I tend to separate medical stuff from real life. In real life, I don't want to be touched at all by anyone unless it's on my terms. For medical stuff, I can disassociate fairly well during most exams/procedures, so it isn't a big deal to me anymore. While I would absolutely prefer that my providers be female, I understand that people in these settings are just trying to do their jobs. I wouldn't immediately say no to a male provider for most procedures. And for some things, I recognize that I might not have a choice. Emergency medical care, I'll take whoever for whatever as long as my problem gets solved. The surgeon doing my bottom surgery is a man, and I'm happy to go to him because he's one of the best at what he does. There are no female surgeons available who can do what I need them to do.

I think it definitely has to do a lot with delivery in those situations. IME, men in general do not like being told no especially when they are in a position of authority. But a good healthcare provider will set that aside to make a patient comfortable as long as it's not a high risk situation where you need to be treated immediately. If they refuse to find another provider, I'd definitely refuse treatment.

The guy at your dialysis center sounds like he was just trying to be friendly, and wanted to get your attention. I don't think it was appropriate to touch you if you've expressed that you don't like being touched, but he could be forgetful. If you don't like someone or don't want to talk to them, be straight up. They aren't going to know otherwise. How they react to that is up to them, but you can't have it both ways. In that moment, he probably decided that the potential reward of talking to you was less than the risk of you lashing out and snapping at him, and that's probably why he hasn't talked to you.

I would encourage you to report that employee who touched you in the hospital. What he did was inappropriate and illegal. For future needs, I can tell you that a lot of "find a doctor" sites online will let you limit your list by the doctor's gender. So if you ever move or are in the market for a new provider, you can easily find a female doctor. And a lot of doctors in the trans community recognize that a lot of us have issues with cisgender men. My top surgeon for example, maintains a completely female staff for the sake of her patients' comfort.

I think the issue you're having is a combination of your environment and not being seen as male. It's tough when you're transitioning in place, especially with people you don't see every day. For the most part, when cisgender men recognize you as another man they don't want to have physical contact with you. It's not uncommon for men and women to have mild physical contact socially, but for men it usually does not go beyond a handshake or bro hug unless they are very close. Men don't generally have to express that they don't want physical contact with other men.

You are not the only one who prefers medical staff to be a specific gender. I know cis people who prefer one or the other for personal doctors, for example. I many cases though, you get what you get.

I'm not fond of being touched by men either. I don't flip out over it, but it makes me feel uncomfortable. When friends give me a hug, I just deal with it. I too have some personal experiences that make it difficult for me.

If you have been assaulted, you should report the incident. No one should have to deal with actions such as these. Medical staff are released from their jobs over this sort of thing. On your side, you can choose many of your medical staff and you'll have to learn how to accept the care of the others. This should be high on your list of issues with your therapist.

With GID, many of us develop unhealthy phobias. It is important to recognize that we have them and I believe you do see this in yourself. Yes, others have made it worse. But you know you have this reaction. You can learn to come to terms with it with help or sheer will if you must.

Please don't ever let anyone take advantage of you again. Be cool. Be collected. Report the animal.

Cindi

I agree that you should report if you feel comfortable doing so. :(

I don't like being touched by anyone that I don't know well - I don't even hug my friends lol. I'm also intimidated by cis men even though i am male just because i feel like they're more likely to clock me than cis women. and because I'm short i feel physically threatened a lot. And being raised female i was constantly told that men (i was told by a female teacher once that EVERY boy and EVERY male teacher was staring at my chest at about the age of thirteen yay patriarchy) would be staring at me and watching me which made me anxious around them.

I'm working on feeling confident in public but not on the touchy thing. No one needs to touch me so meh. I've never had a PAP smear though, which is the only real downside of not being touched. I should do it at some point but it's hard. :/

It's disappointing to hear that medical professionals aren't used to people expressing discomfort. No one enjoys any medical things, why should they be offended if you say you'd like to be touched as little as possible? Taking it personally even if you're trying to be polite is pretty unprofessional.

Thanks everyone, for your replies.

I hope I didn't offend anyone here with this thread. And if I did, I am so-so sorry.

I should have mentioned that I actually did report that creep who touched/pinched my nipple. But not to the police. It was to the person in charge of The Rapid Response team. Max, I didn't know this was illegal, but in my situation, I think bringing it to the law would have fell on deaf ears. Rapid Response Team captain said that the creep had to use "pain" to get a response out of me. But I wish I had been more assertive with my complaint. The captain told me though that what that punk did was so inappropriate but he didn't say it was ever illegal at all. He mentioned that they have to administer pain in order to test for consciousness in a non-responsive patient. Yet, the captain said he should have done a chest rub. But he did not do that. He literally touched me in an erogenous zone! Not cool....I hope for the safety of any other patients who are unfortunately admitted there do not suffer the way I did, man or woman. I myself will avoid that place at all cost.

About that dude at dialysis, I actually never told him that I don't like to be touched until he did it. I never feel it is necessary to tell someone that until it happens. I noticed though that coming out has disciplined me to be very honest, but I'm still working at it. I think that there is an "adult or "sophisticated" way to do that though. I can be extremely straightforward with folks now. But I need to do that all the damn time.  I should have told him the day I saw him that I am not interested in him and would rather not speak with him. I generally am irritated by anyone who attempts to speak with me even though on the inside I wanna command them to shut the hell up.

You're certainly not the only one who really doesn't like to be touched by men (cis or trans) doctors/ medical staff.  I was also inappropriately touched/ questioned by a doctor last year, and was unable to get the help I needed in reporting it (and had to do so anonymously).  That said, for most things, I don't care, but certainly, a gyn appointment would have to be with a woman (trans or cis) doctor. 

Everyone, regardless of gender identity, has their own comfort levels and boundaries that should be respected.  Sometimes, it's very difficult to assert your boundaries, but when you can, know that you have every right to do so.

- Josh

Hey Josh.

I'm sorry to hear that you've had your boundaries crossed by someone we are supposed to be able to trust fully. Because of that person's actions, he makes other doctors who have good intentions look villainous.

My bro is a corpsman in the Navy and says he has served patients who request to have female nurses or stand-by when he needs to perform any type of medical procedure within his expertise. And he is not at all bothered by that because he understands that not all patients (especially female ones) are ok with a male medical practitioner coming into physical contact with them.

After this horrid experience, I don't even like the thought of wearing a sports bra just to take a break from binding for a while (I do not wear anything at night, just so I can breathe correctly). Before coming into contact with that creepo, no one has ever touched those things, not even my ex-boyfriend.

As I mature, I really am learning to assert my right to take a stand and guard myself.

Yeah, I do hate to be touched. By anyone, men or women.

There's only one person I actually like touching and being touched by, and that's my other half.

I don't know if there's a technical or scientific word for it, but if I'm touched without being able to see the person touching me, like tapped on the shoulder, nudged or even brushed against, and god forbid anyone tries to sneak up on me, I get an instant violent flinch reaction. No consciousness involved, it's just an instinct. My body does not like being touched unless I know exactly who's doing it and why.

The last stranger who tried his luck doing that got threatened with the sharp thing in my back pocket. Nobody has a right to lay their hands all over you.

The thing that really gets me is why do they (male or female) have to take so much offense from stating that I do not want to be touched? I find that to be so annoying. Its like, one of the reasons I won't seek treatment even when I know I really should.

Quote from: King Phoenix on February 14, 2016, 11:49:42 AM
The thing that really gets me is why do they (male or female) have to take so much offense from stating that I do not want to be touched? I find that to be so annoying. Its like, one of the reasons I won't seek treatment even when I know I really should.

Any medical professional that doesn't understand and respect why you may not want to be touched by them is not a person you should be seeing, IMO. I know sometimes you don't get a choice, or you have to see a certain provider, but they should still be told that you are uncomfortable.

The surgeon that just did my hysterectomy has an assistant who just finished his residency and she sent him in to do the initial consult with me for the procedure. While I did let him take me through the process and explain everything, I told him my preference was that only the female doctor be present for any physical exams that needed to happen pre-op. It did not hurt his feelings any - I had made the appointment expecting a female doctor, I did not want to be examined by a man, and I hadn't mentally had any notice to prepare for a male doctor. At the end of the consult, he asked her to come in, and her and I talked privately and she did what little examining needed to be done. Wasn't a big deal.

A good doctor will understand that you are uncomfortable, and even if what they need to do can't be avoided, they should still make every effort to make you comfortable.

This isn't a subject I talk about like ever so its nice to see I'm not the only one. For most of my life a lot of the physical abuse I received was mostly from men. Now that I'm a lot more social these days, interacting with guys can be tough sometimes. Hugging for awhile made me feel incredibly uncomfortable but I've gotten a lot better about it the past few years. I've been able to do a lot of healing and its just cause I'm mostly done with my transition. So I've been able to like focus on other issues I've been needing to address for a while now. At the same time I'm still dealing with being groped way more so than before. I guess the difference between before and now is that I can manage those situations better, I can handle myself. Being intimate with a guy is a whole other issue and I haven't come to that bridge yet.

Quote from: King Phoenix on February 14, 2016, 11:49:42 AM
The thing that really gets me is why do they (male or female) have to take so much offense from stating that I do not want to be touched? I find that to be so annoying. Its like, one of the reasons I won't seek treatment even when I know I really should.

No experience with medical professionals doing this but yeah, I noticed people take it personally. It took a while to explain the reflex to my boyfriend and not to touch me unexpectedly from behind or I'm gonna freak like a burned cat and he didn't 'get' why I had this startle response. I guess people feel you're rejecting them, they take it as if you're disgusted by them, rather than the touch itself.

I have had really big issues with males in my life too. It took me 10 years to finally let my foster father behind  my emotional walls. To this day I still feel uncomfortable and untrusting of men but I have learnt to give some of them a chance to prove that they are okay. When I need to seek professional help I will still actively seek a female though.

You can't believe how much I hate being touched.
I have personal space issues, I avoid the whole world.

Generally I do not allow anyone within arms reach of me.

I have also been violated as a child  on many separate occasions, by different people, young and old.
mostly men & older boys.To me it was a culture of abuse. supposed to "toughen me up".

The females all treated me as one of their own, not always in a good sense.
girls & women can be very cruel too, just in different ways. Mostly though I was treated MUCH better by females.


Seems I was a very attractive child. 

Much of the time many didn't know if I was a boy or a girl. I was constantly questioned.
It was the 70's.

My reflex when unexpectedly touched is to tense up or lash out. When I tense my entire body hurts afterwards. My foster mum had been on the receiving end of my unintentional lashing out until she learnt not to come at me from behind. It has been really hard to learn not to react so much.