What the heck just happened???

[suzifrommd]

Those who've followed my story know about my dating frustration. I've been working on dating for about two and a half years. During that time I've had only a couple of people willing even to go on a second date with me.

Well I met someone a few weeks ago through OKCupid. She seemed impressed and eager to get to know me. We had a couple of dates. After the last one she gave me a tender good-night kiss on the mouth. Today she drove up to have lunch with me (an hour drive). We had a wonderful lunch and came back to my house afterward, and it seemed like something romantic was about to happen.

I've got to head back, she told me, and before I knew it she was headed out the door. She gave me a hug and a kiss goodbye, told me she'd see me soon, and she was gone. All told, we spent less time together than the time she spent in her car driving up and back.

Either I totally misread things, or something changed her mind. Maybe she knew all along she couldn't stay, but if I had to guess, I'd say something scared her off or turned her off, and I have no clue what. Might have had nothing to do with me (though I kinda doubt it).

Is it so unreasonable to expect things to go right, even once in a while?

[Tysilio]

Ouch. Yeah, that would smart a bit, Suzi.

Given the signals she's been giving you, though, it seems to me that it would be reasonable to call her up and ask her, as nicely as possible, what was going on.  Maybe something like "I'm concerned that you left so suddenly -- did I upset or offend you in some way?"

For all you know, she may feel awful that she ran out on you and just super awkward about getting in touch again.

[Laura_7]

*hugs*

Well there are many possible reasons...
from her having forgotten something at her place ... like an appliance ...
to something she has seen ...

imo there is only one way to find out ... to ask her ...

what about saying well she left quite soon..
did she find something that she did not expect ?

or similar ...
in a humourous tone ...

*hugs* and hope things will be ok ...

[stephaniec]

Well, your doing one heck of a lot better than I have done in the past 40 years.

[Ms Grace]

Yeah dating... it is a minefield, one tiny wrong step and everything can go to poop. Hopefully it is not anything too problematic, Suzi. Send her a text soon telling her you enjoyed the lunch and ask if she's OK.

[Maybebaby56]

Oh my goodness, Suzi, that is strange!

I agree with what others have said. Unless you want to torture yourself first, the best thing to do is tell her you enjoyed her company and that you were disappointed she left so quickly.  See if she still wants to get together again.

With kindness,

Terri

[Laura_7]

Oh my goodness, Suzi, that is strange!

I agree with what others have said. Unless you want to torture yourself first, the best thing to do is tell her you enjoyed her company and that you were disappointed she left so quickly.  See if she still wants to get together again.

With kindness,

Terri

I personally would be more direct, asking if something was wrong...
so it can be talked about.

Otherwise its possible its not solved ...
like something was simply a misunderstanding, and talking about it might clear things up ...


*hugs*

[Maybebaby56]

I personally would be more direct, asking if something was wrong...
so it can be talked about.

You are right, Laura. That would be my next question, if she demurred about getting together again.

~Terri

[Adchop]

I personally would be more direct, asking if something was wrong...
so it can be talked about.

Otherwise its possible its not solved ...
like something was simply a misunderstanding, and talking about it might clear things up ...


*hugs*

Good luck with that Laura. In my personal experience from all of the women I have dated over the years, you would have a better chance of getting the government to spill the beans on Aliens, or how much gold is left in Fort Knox than you would of getting most women to be direct & honest.....lol

I understand your pain Suzi. I had multiple women I dated over the years that acted strange & never owned up to how they felt. It always hurt me, because I was fine with just being friends & just wanted them to be honest.

Truth is all you can really do is move forward knowing that if they aren't interested, it's for the best.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! I would just reestablish contact and not dwell on it. If she doesn't want to see you anymore, then you would know something was up. I hope it works out!

Hugs, Devlyn

[suzifrommd]

Given the signals she's been giving you, though, it seems to me that it would be reasonable to call her up and ask her, as nicely as possible, what was going on.

imo there is only one way to find out ... to ask her ...

Send her a text soon telling her you enjoyed the lunch and ask if she's OK.

Unless you want to torture yourself first, the best thing to do is tell her you enjoyed her company and that you were disappointed she left so quickly.

I would just reestablish contact and not dwell on it.

I spoke to her last night. She seemed surprised that I would be disappointed. She never expected to stay long, and said she had a lot to do.

This is in direct contrast to her manner on our previous date, where she acted like she couldn't wait to get me alone. She was super flirty, making double-entendres with enticing facial expressions.

I feel like I'm not getting the whole story. Either she's someone who naturally blows hot and cold, or there's something she's not telling me.

Truth is all you can really do is move forward knowing that if they aren't interested, it's for the best.

Thanks Adchop. At this point, I'm not so much concerned whether she's interested or not. I did a lot of thinking (and not enough sleeping) last night. If this is what I have to expect from her, I'm not sure this is necessarily good for me. If this is what she does when we're getting to know each other and (theoretically) on our best behavior, how would it be after we're seeing each other for awhile.

I've had more than a dozen relationships in my life. The satisfying ones have all been with someone who bent over backward to give clear signals at the beginning and who was comfortable getting to know me on all levels. Every dating situation in my 40+ years of dating where someone gave mixed messages or seemed uncomfortable with romantic involvement did not end up being a satisfying situation.

I've decided I'm going to back off and let her make the next move. If she appears eager to see me again, I'm going to ask her directly what she's interested in. If it's friendship, fine. If it's dating, I'll ask straight out why she seemed eager to get me alone, and then was gone like a shot when I arranged it so we could be alone. Whatever she tells me should be very informative.

[Laura_7]

you would have a better chance of getting the government to spill the beans on Aliens, or how much gold is left in Fort Knox

Well we both seem to know the true answer to that 

Same with women.

If you go about it with a bit of humour and ask them what is really up they open up.
Not mocking, just asking, being serious, understanding and a bit humorous ...
and as your statement above says people know something is afoot ...

I understand your pain Suzi. I had multiple women I dated over the years that acted strange & never owned up to how they felt. It always hurt me, because I was fine with just being friends & just wanted them to be honest.

Truth is all you can really do is move forward knowing that if they aren't interested, it's for the best.

Well imo being really understanding and opening up here can even help bring you closer together...

or not, if no real connection is achieved... but it should not be overly difficult.


*hugs*

[Laura_7]

I spoke to her last night. She seemed surprised that I would be disappointed. She never expected to stay long, and said she had a lot to do.

This is in direct contrast to her manner on our previous date, where she acted like she couldn't wait to get me alone. She was super flirty, making double-entendres with enticing facial expressions.

I feel like I'm not getting the whole story. Either she's someone who naturally blows hot and cold, or there's something she's not telling me.

She has been socialized as a woman...
meaning sex might be something not too opnly talked about ... and shown...

imo its a very good sign. She would have liked to but something got her nervous, or off... women are like that, if their emotions change they react on a spur of a moment.

Imo creating a cozy and relaxing atmosphere might help.
And being solid and unwavering yourself, moving slowly in a certain direction ... not making fast moves...
gently opening her up...

Thanks Adchop. At this point, I'm not so much concerned whether she's interested or not. I did a lot of thinking (and not enough sleeping) last night. If this is what I have to expect from her, I'm not sure this is necessarily good for me. If this is what she does when we're getting to know each other and (theoretically) on our best behavior, how would it be after we're seeing each other for awhile.

I've had more than a dozen relationships in my life. The satisfying ones have all been with someone who bent over backward to give clear signals at the beginning and who was comfortable getting to know me on all levels. Every dating situation in my 40+ years of dating where someone gave mixed messages or seemed uncomfortable with romantic involvement did not end up being a satisfying situation.

Well remember its two women ...
If you kind of play the rock where she can feel safe she might feel more inclined to open up.

I've decided I'm going to back off and let her make the next move.

Well if two women wait for the next move it might take some time.
I'd say wait a bit but then move in slowly yourself.

If she appears eager to see me again, I'm going to ask her directly what she's interested in. If it's friendship, fine. If it's dating, I'll ask straight out why she seemed eager to get me alone, and then was gone like a shot when I arranged it so we could be alone. Whatever she tells me should be very informative.

Well imo this would be a result of coincidence... in which state she is emotionally then...
I'd say try to be understanding... have a coffee or tea together, laugh some, make her feel relaxed and comfortable ... and then talk to her ... not in a manner she feels is inquisitive but in a manner she feels understood...


*hugs*