(breathes deeply) Here we go.
I guess my name appears as ainnanov. It's the usual gamer-tag I use in video games. You can address me as that or just ainna.
I'm biologically male, 27 years old (turning 28 in April). I moved to Canada almost 4 years ago from the Philippines and living with my mom. I have a 7-year old daughter that I left back home. Her mother and I were never married and not together anymore but at peace with each other. I try to support her the best way I can at a distance. My daughter turned my life around and I love her so much. I decided to return to school 2 years ago and will still be a while before I finish.
For the past week(Yes. Just only a week). I've had the strongest thoughts of being female. It's such a beautiful thought and the thought that I'm not leaves a tight feeling in my chest. I'm really confused. I started looking up transitioning, HRT, FFS, Electrolysis, Women's fashion, how to act like a woman, therapy and how all of it would apply to my life. I mean I've probably read all of it if it were connected to MtF transitioning. Wait! Hold on! All of these things after one week of strong feelings???
For most of my life, I've lived as a boy. And I like stereo-typically male things such as video games. I'm a big fan of basketball but do not play. I always have liked women... I feel attraction and lust for them. (Yes. I do say DAYYUUMM in my head when I see a really attractive one. LOL). And yes, I know they're not definitive criteria to what my gender is.
Growing up in the Philippines is hard. It's a poor country and transitioning can be considered a luxury for most that may want it. In fact, I don't even know there was such a thing as transgender-ism. You are either gay, lesbian or straight. In 3 instances in my life (age 10, 12 and 15) and I remember them perfectly... When no one was in our house, I would dress up in my mom's clothes, put on make up and look myself in the mirror. The process made me so happy. But upon seeing myself in the mirror, I got depressed because I wasn't pretty. I just looked like a boy in a dress. During one of those times, my uncle who lived next door caught me and I quickly closed the door. I don't think he told my mom because I wasn't asked anything. Another 3 instances where people would randomly tell me "If you were a girl, you'd be pretty." I would tell them "WHAT?!!" but I'd be lying if I didn't like it. My mom has asked me before twice if I was gay. I simply said no. And I dismissed any thoughts or possibility of being gay because I simply have no attraction towards men. (And I didn't know what transgender is so I thought all of these things are probably nothing).
Things have opened up since then of course. The knowledge and exposure paved way for possibilities. I wanted to be a woman. I've always been interested in transgender stories and videos. I would sometimes stumble upon them on the internet. But this last week, I had gone on a researching frenzy. And every time I was not pre-occupied with something like school or work, I would always think in my head how it would be like to a woman and how would it be like to transition. Thoughts of having long hair, soft lips, wide hips, dresses and everything went to my head. And even seeing an ordinary girl made me kind of jealous of her being a woman.
I always had low self esteem. I thought that I would never be good enough for anyone. I tried to better myself as a man. I went to the gym and did weightlifting. Although the thought of being too big did not amuse me. I just liked being fit. I tried learning a bit about men's fashion and tried to dress myself better. I tried fixing my hair a bit. All of those I did and I've come to the realization that I'm not really happy. I was working for something that wouldn't make me happy in the end. As a pointed out before, I'm not gay because I am not attracted to men... as a man. But imagining myself as a woman and being with a man suddenly became a consideration.
I feel strongly that I wanna transition. Maybe not soon but at least do things that would prepare me and my life situation for it. I want to go to therapy but I have fears of being dismissed. While I do have some minor life experiences before, they are not as strong. It is only recently that I've felt very very strong for it and have been able to explain some of my life experiences. Maybe these feelings were repressed before? I wanna come to terms to myself if I am indeed trans or not. But it certainly breaks my heart thinking if I'm not able to be a woman. Is it too soon to go to therapy? Should I wait? The feeling of not being who I wanna be is difficult for me internally right now. I probably have many more thoughts that I will have failed to mention. But that'll be it for now. I apologize for the long read and I hope some may be able to share their thoughts.
