Hi everyone, I've been reading threads on the forum for a little while now and thought I'd finally introduce myself and hopefully get a little help from everyone here.
I'm married and in my early 30s. I've come out to my wife and she's been very open and supportive thus far. Up until a couple years ago, there were no indications that I might feel that I was living the wrong gender until I started thinking about cross dressing during sex after watching lesbian porn. My wife and I tried it a couple times, but it never lived up to how I fantasized about it. Over the next year or so, I left it alone and went about my life.
But recently, the thoughts have been returning in a much stronger way. Not only do I constantly think about women's clothing and style, but I also developed a strong curiosity (desire?) in having female breasts and genitalia and living life as a woman. When I'm out, I see women and feel jealousy. I never felt sexy as a man, but when I think about myself as a woman, I get sexually excited and happy. Before, these thoughts abated after sexual release, but lately, they've been returning sooner and sooner. I've also noticed that my sex drive has been gradually diminishing; I rarely initiate sex anymore, but am always willing and able if my wife initiates.
The biggest hurdle for me is that my appearance as a woman turns me off from seriously considering transition. I am 5'8" and weigh about 160 lbs with a naturally very slim build and feminine face. However, fifteen years of weight training has given me very broad shoulders and chest for my frame and 17" arms. So from my belly button down and my neck up, I'd be happy as a woman; everything in between, I don't want to be a woman. To give you an idea, I can wear size 4 women's jeans but need a size 10/12 dress or top to accommodate my upper body.
I understand that we shouldn't care about what others think about how we appear, but I care about it, and it has been VERY difficult A few weeks ago, my wife and I went shopping and we bought a bunch of different items (tops, workout clothes, dresses, shoes). I genuinely loved shopping for all those clothes, and it definitely felt "right." When I got home, putting on the clothes made me feel great, but the moment I looked in the mirror, I couldn't wait to take them off. I thought I looked ridiculous and that made me feel that I couldn't be a woman...it made me not want to think about being a woman. So now the clothes are folded neatly in a stack in the corner of the room with the red flats and feels. I see the shoes and clothes every day, and it reminds me that I feel sexier as a woman, but I never put them on (even in private) because I fear the feeling I get when I see myself.
My wife has been encouraging me to explore this side of myself. She's very understanding of my potential struggle and has emphasized that she'd rather me figure this out now, even at the expense of the relationship, than keep it bottled up only to explode ten years down the line. We've talked about seeing a professional therapist to ask questions, but I'm still unsure of how I feel. It's difficult for me to explore this part of me, because the moment I try, my rational mind looks in the mirror and my desire diminishes. I feel like the only way to truly get started in exploring this part of me is to lose 30 lbs of lean muscle mass...but that in itself almost seems like a full-on commitment that I'm not sure I'm ready to make.
Has anyone gone through these issues with body image in the early stages of transition? Could my apprehension be a sign that I'm not meant to transition? Or do I have tough decisions to make in leaving behind my current life?
Thanks so much for reading, and I look forward to being part of this community!
K
