Hi everyone, I've been reading threads on the forum for a little while now and thought I'd finally introduce myself and hopefully get a little help from everyone here.

I'm married and in my early 30s.  I've come out to my wife and she's been very open and supportive thus far.  Up until a couple years ago, there were no indications that I might feel that I was living the wrong gender until I started thinking about cross dressing during sex after watching lesbian porn.  My wife and I tried it a couple times, but it never lived up to how I fantasized about it.  Over the next year or so, I left it alone and went about my life. 

But recently, the thoughts have been returning in a much stronger way.  Not only do I constantly think about women's clothing and style, but I also developed a strong curiosity (desire?) in having female breasts and genitalia and living life as a woman.  When I'm out, I see women and feel jealousy.  I never felt sexy as a man, but when I think about myself as a woman, I get sexually excited and happy.  Before, these thoughts abated after sexual release, but lately, they've been returning sooner and sooner.  I've also noticed that my sex drive has been gradually diminishing; I rarely initiate sex anymore, but am always willing and able if my wife initiates.

The biggest hurdle for me is that my appearance as a woman turns me off from seriously considering transition.  I am 5'8" and weigh about 160 lbs with a naturally very slim build and feminine face.  However, fifteen years of weight training has given me very broad shoulders and chest for my frame and 17" arms.  So from my belly button down and my neck up, I'd be happy as a woman; everything in between, I don't want to be a woman.  To give you an idea, I can wear size 4 women's jeans but need a size 10/12 dress or top to accommodate my upper body.

I understand that we shouldn't care about what others think about how we appear, but I care about it, and it has been VERY difficult   A few weeks ago, my wife and I went shopping and we bought a bunch of different items (tops, workout clothes, dresses, shoes).  I genuinely loved shopping for all those clothes, and it definitely felt "right."  When I got home, putting on the clothes made me feel great, but the moment I looked in the mirror, I couldn't wait to take them off.  I thought I looked ridiculous and that made me feel that I couldn't be a woman...it made me not want to think about being a woman.  So now the clothes are folded neatly in a stack in the corner of the room with the red flats and feels.  I see the shoes and clothes every day, and it reminds me that I feel sexier as a woman, but I never put them on (even in private) because I fear the feeling I get when I see myself.

My wife has been encouraging me to explore this side of myself.  She's very understanding of my potential struggle and has emphasized that she'd rather me figure this out now, even at the expense of the relationship, than keep it bottled up only to explode ten years down the line.  We've talked about seeing a professional therapist to ask questions, but I'm still unsure of how I feel.  It's difficult for me to explore this part of me, because the moment I try, my rational mind looks in the mirror and my desire diminishes.  I feel like the only way to truly get started in exploring this part of me is to lose 30 lbs of lean muscle mass...but that in itself almost seems like a full-on commitment that I'm not sure I'm ready to make.

Has anyone gone through these issues with body image in the early stages of transition?  Could my apprehension be a sign that I'm not meant to transition?  Or do I have tough decisions to make in leaving behind my current life?

Thanks so much for reading, and I look forward to being part of this community!

K

Welcome to Susan's Place. Body image issues are pretty common. It might be their weigh, shoulders or face that is the issue. Muscle mass will be lost in the transition but the bones will remain the same. In my case, I have shoulders that causes me to rip the shoulder pads out of any garment that has them I also wear sleeves and lose fitting tops to diminish their appearance and balance my body out. I don't own a single tank top or spaghetti strap top because those would be a give way.

A gender therapist will help you sort this out but the decision to transition is a big one and it takes a strong commitment to see it through. We need to face the fact we may be less than perfect but CIS women have their flaws as well so we can fit in and blend into the population.

It takes time to see the woman in the mirror and I was into my second year of full time living before I saw her. In my case, she looks a good deal like my mother. You need to rely on the judgement of others because when it comes to self image, it can take us a long time to adjust.

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Hi Kelli 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi, welcome to the forum!

First off I'd suggest you not get too far ahead of the game. Transition is a very long process, it can take months or years so there is plenty of time to deal with outlier problems. Try getting an appointment with a therapist who deals with gender issues and try to figure out how you relate to your gender identity and how you want to proceed with that. If you do end up deciding you want to transition and start hormone therapy you'll find that, with time (18-24 months) estrogen and low testosterone will reduce some muscle bulk, as will cardio exercises and dieting.

Thanks for the feedback.

Quote from: Dena on April 24, 2016, 06:56:09 PM
Welcome to Susan's Place. Body image issues are pretty common. It might be their weigh, shoulders or face that is the issue. Muscle mass will be lost in the transition but the bones will remain the same. In my case, I have shoulders that causes me to rip the shoulder pads out of any garment that has them I also wear sleeves and lose fitting tops to diminish their appearance and balance my body out. I don't own a single tank top or spaghetti strap top because those would be a give way.

A gender therapist will help you sort this out but the decision to transition is a big one and it takes a strong commitment to see it through. We need to face the fact we may be less than perfect but CIS women have their flaws as well so we can fit in and blend into the population.

It takes time to see the woman in the mirror and I was into my second year of full time living before I saw her. In my case, she looks a good deal like my mother. You need to rely on the judgement of others because when it comes to self image, it can take us a long time to adjust.

I think my perceived "flaws" are preventing me from seeing what I could (or should) be.  Luckily, I have very small bones, so I'm confident that I could become what I see and feel in my mind.  It's just very difficult to commit if I'm not 100% sure, but I can't be 100% sure if I don't commit...

Quote from: Ms Grace on April 24, 2016, 09:36:35 PM
Hi, welcome to the forum!

First off I'd suggest you not get too far ahead of the game. Transition is a very long process, it can take months or years so there is plenty of time to deal with outlier problems. Try getting an appointment with a therapist who deals with gender issues and try to figure out how you relate to your gender identity and how you want to proceed with that. If you do end up deciding you want to transition and start hormone therapy you'll find that, with time (18-24 months) estrogen and low testosterone will reduce some muscle bulk, as will cardio exercises and dieting.

Good point about taking my time.  I'm sure you see this a lot with folks coming here with a lot of curiosity combined with excitement, leading them to make choices before thinking them through.  I guess finding a therapist is a good first step in addressing the why, so I can have a better idea of whether I'm meant to commit to starting the process.

Hi Hon and welcome,

Just to reinforce what Grace said. I'm about 6 years in and I put on the last male jacket I own the other day to see what it looked like, the shoulders where empty and the front wouldn't close because of my boobs.

My muscle  status has changed completely. I couldn't bench press a watermelon; not that I've tried though

The support and encouragement of your wife is a wonderful thing.

For better or worse it is good to know who and what you are than go through life feeling uncertain.

Though it's not a race it can be both fun and disheartening to think ahead.

Personally nothing beats long hot bubble baths with scented candles and light music for thinking about things. Then again I could just be using that as a reason to monopolise the bathroom; any excuse is better than none.

To resolve my mind I simply asked if a genie offered to turn me into a girl from that minute onwards for the rest of my life would I take it. (I love my wife and children so I would never change my past even though it means I must endure the damage this body has taken)

Once you know then the rest kinda seems easier.

It's not much to offer but it helped me.

You will probably be able to lose the muscle, but it will not happen overnight, and even with HRT it takes a long time. I remember reading that it takes half of the amount of time to lose the muscle as it did to build it, and that was certainly true for me. I tried various dieting strategies to speed up the process, such as cutting calories and limiting my protein intake, and while I did lose a significant amount of size and weight, my musculature was still very pronounced and defined, especially in my upper back (it took a long time to lose the V-shape), deltoids, and upper arms.

Quote from: Jerrica on April 25, 2016, 09:42:02 AM
The support and encouragement of your wife is a wonderful thing.

For better or worse it is good to know who and what you are than go through life feeling uncertain.

Though it's not a race it can be both fun and disheartening to think ahead.

Personally nothing beats long hot bubble baths with scented candles and light music for thinking about things. Then again I could just be using that as a reason to monopolise the bathroom; any excuse is better than none.

To resolve my mind I simply asked if a genie offered to turn me into a girl from that minute onwards for the rest of my life would I take it. (I love my wife and children so I would never change my past even though it means I must endure the damage this body has taken)

Once you know then the rest kinda seems easier.

It's not much to offer but it helped me.

I agree that I'm really lucky to have her.  Besides my struggle with my body, I also have a tough time bringing my wife into this. I've read some threads in the SO support forum and have seen what they go through. Some show a strong face, but it seems a lot hide feelings of fear, disappointment, and even disgust. A big part of me wants to suppress these feelings for preservation of the marriage and my wife's happiness.

And as for the genie, I'd probably say yes without hesitation.

Same as me ofc for the genie but the fun part is the few people who really knew also said I would jump at it.

My second step was asking if I would accept such a gift at the hands of magic would I accept it at the hands of man.....

Quote from: kittenpower on April 25, 2016, 10:17:59 AM
You will probably be able to lose the muscle, but it will not happen overnight, and even with HRT it takes a long time. I remember reading that it takes half of the amount of time to lose the muscle as it did to build it, and that was certainly true for me. I tried various dieting strategies to speed up the process, such as cutting calories and limiting my protein intake, and while I did lose a significant amount of size and weight, my musculature was still very pronounced and defined, especially in my upper back (it took a long time to lose the V-shape), deltoids, and upper arms.

I think my "fear" lies not in the physical transformation itself, but the mental and emotional transformation...letting go of the physical results of the last fifteen years of my life without being 100% sure this is the path I'm supposed to take in life. I suppose i can always work to regain my male physique if I ultimately decide on non-transition, but it's still difficult for me to resolve.

The wife part is difficult and unfortunately I have no answer to that beyond time and hope.

My own wife struggles even with feelings of disgust. My only solace is that she is still here so hope remains she will get used to the physical changes in time. After all if I were horrifically disfigured in an accident I do not doubt she would stay with me no matter how messed up my body got.

Like everyone else our wives were programed and laid out their own plans for life which didn't include a trans partner. That said though surprising things can work out better than ever expected.

Quote from: KelliHu on April 25, 2016, 12:36:16 PM
I think my "fear" lies not in the physical transformation itself, but the mental and emotional transformation...letting go of the physical results of the last fifteen years of my life without being 100% sure this is the path I'm supposed to take in life. I suppose i can always work to regain my male physique if I ultimately decide on non-transition, but it's still difficult for me to resolve.

My male physique was admired and envied by a lot of people, but I am so much happier with an average female body that is feminine and matches my inner being. It hasn't been an easy process, but being a whole person, and living my truth is worth everything.

Quote from: kittenpower on April 25, 2016, 01:04:36 PM
My male physique was admired and envied by a lot of people, but I am so much happier with an average female body that is feminine and matches my inner being. It hasn't been an easy process, but being a whole person, and living my truth is worth everything.

My initial thought is that my hesitation to let go of my former physique is a sign that my inner being is more aligned with my current self...I can see that after you made the commitment, it was easy to look back and say you made the best decision...but before that, was there any apprehension or doubt?

Quote from: KelliHu on April 25, 2016, 02:02:59 PM
My initial thought is that my hesitation to let go of my former physique is a sign that my inner being is more aligned with my current self...I can see that after you made the commitment, it was easy to look back and say you made the best decision...but before that, was there any apprehension or doubt?

I initially started weight trainining because I wanted to gain acceptance from others and to try and fit in, but I was not comfortable with my body, and the only apprehension I had was how people would react to the changes I planned to make. I had faith that I would be able to lose the muscle I had built; because I started out with an ectomorph body type with small joints, and my joints were still small.

Quote from: kittenpower on April 26, 2016, 10:22:21 AM
I initially started weight trainining because I wanted to gain acceptance from others and to try and fit in, but I was not comfortable with my body, and the only apprehension I had was how people would react to the changes I planned to make. I had faith that I would be able to lose the muscle I had built; because I started out with an ectomorph body type with small joints, and my joints were still small.

I have a similar body type, so I too am not concerned that I wouldn't be able to lose the muscle mass.  I guess it's not necessarily the discomfort with my current body type, but the growing desire for another body type, i.e., one that I idealize in women.

I used to lift weights, work construction and hit the heavybag..you know, playing the man role...recently ive started a diet and became doing cardio and aerobic to slim down the body

Quote from: gymrat93 on April 26, 2016, 10:19:57 PM
I was a male fitness model and had 16-inch arms and pecs that rivaled female breasts. I now look like a teenaged girl, and of my three cis woman roomies, none of them knew I was trans until I mentioned it. Also, before transitioning, the whole idea was fantastical for me as well. The jealousy, also, that I once experienced, now comes in the form of gratification of being an attractive female.

Here is my timeline: https://m.youtube.com/channel/UCCoG1FQR0BmOM2HP2c9x8Yw

Things get really exponentially powerful after 12 months, and even today, quite a while after the end of the timeline. Note how incredibly muscular I was.

Thank you so much for sharing that; it was nothing short of amazing and inspirational!

At 5'8", I have a very similar physique that you had, though never in show form.  15 years ago, I weighed about 125 lbs at the same height, peaking at just under 170 a couple years ago, so I know it can be done...

Well, I decided to contact a therapist to schedule my first appointment. I'm pretty nervous but it's been difficult trying to understand all these feelings.

Also, for those who have been on this site for a while, what is generally more effective (or preferred) by members; maintaining a single thread for all my questions or starting new threads for each question or issue?

I prefer staying with a single thread as much as possible. It ensures a reader list as anybody who post to the thread will be notified of changes to the thread. Nothing drive me up the wall when somebody new to the site needing help starts threads all over the place and I have to keep chasing them down to help them.

The exception to this rule is if you have questions about makeup and HRT. One thread in each area will give you better responses because members have their favorite area they like to give advice in. While I work almost all of the board as a moderator, my favorite area that I pay more attention to is voice and second introductions.