Trying to figure out if I belong here

[New_B]

Hello,

      I have visited this website (specifically the forums)for many years, but have never joined or posted. I am a 38yr old straight "male" who for over a decade has researched and been absorbed with transitioning. I have two children by all appearances am a masculine guy, but underneath I have always questioned if I am in the right body. I have always been fascinated/jealous of the female body and felt a longing to trade that for my current form. The thought of transitioning both excites and terrifies me. My age, my kids, family and friends and the thought of losing all of them helps add doubt to the doubt fire (no pun intended). As I get older I feel the pressure of time nagging at me and yet I still can't seem to figure out where I'm going gender wise. I guess I'm just looking for advice and/or opinions. The site has been an amazing and invaluable resource and I truly appreciate every one of you fantastic people. ☺

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. You have many options available to you from not transitioning, a partial transition to a full transition. It will depend on what you are comfortable with and what you feel is right for the moment. If you look here and here you will find site members who are on HRT but have remained in their birth roll using HRT to manage their discomfort. More traditionally, being transgender involves a number of variations and cross dressing or underdressing allows some to escape for a while. You can read about some of the variations  in our WIKI . Therapy with a gender therapist is always a good idea and you will get an idea of some of the questions from "the transition channel" . We can't tell you what will work for you, only you can decide that but we can help you in the process of exploring yourself.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[Megan.]

Hi New_B, I just turned 39, and also have two young kids and partner, though now sadly separated from them. I'd second Dena's advice and find a good therapist with experience in gender issues. The complexity of your situation and the baggage of half a life lived as a man are all things that will need time to think and reflect on. Best wishes.

[New_B]

First off, thank you both so much for the welcome and the advice! I have contacted a therapist and will likely be making an appointment next week. I figured it would be the best official starting point. Hopefully that will help clarify some things for me.

[Stacy Lane]

So, I could have written exactly what you wrote. I'm 40 and have a wife and two young kids. Recently I told my wife everything. Our future is uncertain. Actually, divorce is probably inevitable, and I'm dealing with a lot of grief and guilt over this.

The thing is, what are our options, you and I? Is it to continue to play our roles, trying to suppress this thing inside us? I don't know about you, but i can feel this internal pressure building up around it. And whatever it is, it's starting to creep into my regular life. I'm angry. Numb. Resentful. And, ultimately - even with all the success that's obvious by the life I'm portraying to everyone - I'm not fulfilled. I'm not at peace with myself.

Right now, all I can see are the things I'll lose. Or the things that will be affected. I'm struggling to see what good lies ahead, but if you're like me, you're all over the internet, Youtube, whatever, taking in other people's stories. There's loss, sure. Sometimes the stories are heartbreaking. But there is a common denominator among them all - happiness.

In short, yes, you do belong here.

[New_B]

All familiar feelings, Stacy. I can't tell if I'm actually uncertain about being transgender, or if I just can't handle the thought of the turmoil it would cause in my life. I feel frustrated and torn in two. I've suppressed it successfully for short periods, but it always seems to creep back up on me. I'll work out extra hard and hope it makes something click and makes me content with staying the way I am. Meanwhile I know so much at this point about female anatomy, development, and hormones, I should be a Gynecologist/Endocrinologist. I'm scared of making a giant mistake. I'm scared of starting transition and regretting it. And I'm scared of ending up alone for the rest of my life after. Sigh, I don't know.

[KathyLauren]

I'm scared of making a giant mistake. I'm scared of starting transition and regretting it. And I'm scared of ending up alone for the rest of my life after.

All valid fears that you will have to confront.  But throw this into the pot, too: Are you a little bit scared of not transitioning and then regretting the missed opportunity for the rest of your life?  Because that can also be a valid fear that you should not ignore..

[DawnOday]

First off, thank you both so much for the welcome and the advice! I have contacted a therapist and will likely be making an appointment next week. I figured it would be the best official starting point. Hopefully that will help clarify some things for me.

Please, please please When you go to the therapist, don't change the subject. I have gone for therapy as far back as 1982 and each time I chickened out, instead explaining I had stress issues. Which I did, but all the baggage I was carrying around was really more important. After perturbing everyone I love and every one who is a friend I finally gave in about 4 months ago. With any luck I will be on an HRT regimen in the next few weeks.

[New_B]

Kathy: I am extremely scared of not transitioning and regretting it, as well. I think that's where my two worlds are colliding and creating an enormous amount of pressure and anxiety. It's always in the back of my mind eating at me.

Dawn: Don't worry dear, there will be no changing of the subject. I had to do too much leg work to even find a therapist in my area that specializes in Gender Dysphoria, so I'm not wasting it. Plus, I just want answers and to figure out what's going on. They can't help me unless I lay it all out on the table.

Thank you to everyone who has responded so far! You have made me feel very welcome and helped me feel comfortable with  talking about a hard subject. ☺

[WarGrowlmon1990]

I'm in a similar situation, New_B. I'm terrified of losing everyone I care about if I were to go on hormones and get top surgery. My partner (who has been switching back and forth from being supportive to wanting me to keep it to myself) will probably leave me. He has assured me that he'll never take my kids from me, but I'm worried about them becoming transphobic by associating with friends like that and the media. I've been connecting with different resources so far which has been very helpful. I think the sooner you see somebody the better. My depression and anxiety have worsened tremendously the longer I've kept my true self hidden. It's hard thinking about losing so many people you love, but at the same time being closeted can be like torture.

[Deborah]

At some point, remaining deeply closeted will drive them away as the depression and sadness overtake your every emotion.  Is it possible at all to really love someone else when you hate yourself?  For me it was not.

[LizK]

I have battled my way through each of the decisions each one of you is concerned about and arrived at where I am currently in transition. I waited until I was literally ready to "take a gun to my head" I thought I knew for many many years what was wrong with me...but I was wrong. I hoped that HRT alone would manage my Dysphoria and I would not have to fully transition...I was wrong. I knew there were a number of people I was certain would reject me ...I was wrong, I knew there were certain people who would support me...I was wrong. I knew I could never get HRT...I was wrong

I gained a number of things from starting my transition and commencing hormones. I now have clarity about how I feel on a number of things. I still have doubts and days where I am not sure I have made the right choices. but I know my decision was the right one...how do I know for sure, that I made the right decision to transition?...

I am here typing this post and not dead or locked up in a psychiatric hospital....

Take care

Hugs

Liz

[LauraE]

I'm thankful for this thread because i'  struggling with the same issues. Having newly discovered my womanhood a few weeks ago, i feel happy and complete when dressed. However, being 64, i fear all the things others have discussed above. I DO appreciate the support you've all given. It's nice to know that i'm not alone and that others have struggled with the same issues.

Laura

[New_B]

All of the support and responses have been amazing and I can't thank you all enough. And to everyone struggling with the same issues I am, we'll get through it together. Later this month I have my first therapy session. A step down a bold new path? We shall see!

Side note: Rejection by your partner is incredibly hard to deal with. I tried having that conversation with my gf and experienced a lot of what some of you probably have. It's a rollercoaster of emotions that ranges from: Support, confusion, anger, sadness, betrayal, and everything in between.  I ended up taking back my admission and writing it off as a mistake. I lied and said I changed my mind. The relationship still ended, but what if it hadn't? Would I have just crammed myself into the appropriate mold and stayed in my own personal prison forever? Ugh.

[K3lly]

New_B unfortunately I can't give you any advice because I am in exactly the same place you are.  I hurt deeply and I am terrified of any course of action.  I just wanted to let you know, you are not alone in this.  I have been active a very short time here, but have found people to be very supportive.

I hope the therapist you found works out for you.  I am trying to find one, but have had no luck so far.

You have my best wishes in finding your happiness.

Kelly

[New_B]

It's a very precarious place to be, Kelly. Not having a clear path forward leaves you feeling kind of hopeless and confused. Google the hell out of therapists somewhat near you that specialize in gender issues. Don't give up! I am determined to dig my way out of the hole of indecision that I currently reside in. You can do it too! Plus, we're all here for you. 😊

[Drexy/Drex]

Hello,

      I have visited this website (specifically the forums)for many years, but have never joined or posted. I am a 38yr old straight "male" who for over a decade has researched and been absorbed with transitioning. I have two children by all appearances am a masculine guy, but underneath I have always questioned if I am in the right body. I have always been fascinated/jealous of the female body and felt a longing to trade that for my current form. The thought of transitioning both excites and terrifies me. My age, my kids, family and friends and the thought of losing all of them helps add doubt to the doubt fire (no pun intended). As I get older I feel the pressure of time nagging at me and yet I still can't seem to figure out where I'm going gender wise. I guess I'm just looking for advice and/or opinions. The site has been an amazing and invaluable resource and I truly appreciate every one of you fantastic people. ☺

I dont have children and i,m estranged  from  my family  apart from those points i can empathize with you  i,m 53 now wish i was 38 again if i was i would just dive straight in its about you being happy  not making other people happy ...do what makes you happy dont let time  make kt more difficult  ....somewhat cavalier  comment from me ....but i think to hell with everyone else ...

[LizK]

All of the support and responses have been amazing and I can't thank you all enough. And to everyone struggling with the same issues I am, we'll get through it together. Later this month I have my first therapy session. A step down a bold new path? We shall see!

Side note: Rejection by your partner is incredibly hard to deal with. I tried having that conversation with my gf and experienced a lot of what some of you probably have. It's a rollercoaster of emotions that ranges from: Support, confusion, anger, sadness, betrayal, and everything in between.  I ended up taking back my admission and writing it off as a mistake. I lied and said I changed my mind. The relationship still ended, but what if it hadn't? Would I have just crammed myself into the appropriate mold and stayed in my own personal prison forever? Ugh.

Rejection is always tough but you have your first therapy appointment and that is a great place to start. This by comparison may seem like the easy part(if any of this could ever be called easy) the real work comes soon once a decision has been made, no matter what that decision is.

Good Luck

Liz

[SueNZ]

Hi New_B,
We all have different levels of dysphoria and ways of dealing with it. There is no easy formula or medicine.
I am glad you found Susan's as masses of us have found peace, direction, belonging etc. and we all love to help/share.
Follow your heart, at the same time not to the major expense to your closest. Only you can decide how far you can go. Personal stories here will help you. I hope your journey is as successful as you desire.


Cheers Sue.

[aaajjj55]

I was in this position 3 years ago.  I was dressing fully in secret but one day realised that my bag of makeup was not with the rest of my stuff.  I searched the house (not well enough as it turned out) without success and then realised that the items had probably been found so decided to confess all.

My wife went through a rollercoaster of emotions from very upset, feeling cheated (we'd been married for over 20 years), mild amusement, supportive (she came home with a padded bra for me one day), interested (she told me to come home from work early, ran a scented bath for me and had my things ready for me to put on.

Unfortunately, while I was dressing for her, her expression gradually changed and I could see that things were not going well.  Shortly afterwards, she became very hostile to me and finally said that she didn't want to be married to a woman, I looked ridiculous, I should get rid of everything (which I had offered to do to save our relationship) and, if she ever found anything of this sort in the house again, she would throw me out.  Other than that, she was supportive!

At this point, I should say that there was periodic hostility in our marriage prior to this episode and it continues to this day.  To be honest, the marriage has probably lasted through apathy, unwillingness to lose what we have and the overriding desire to provide a proper family life for our kids.  What I am finding is that my desires and urges are beoming stronger by the day to the point where I'm now starting to look at transition as a viable option - however, there are of course barriers to this - apathy, unwillingness to lose what I have and the desire to provide a proper family life for my kids - a familiar ring?

From the advice I have received directly since joining this community a few days ago and also from reading other posts, if your spouse truly loves you, you will be able to work things through; your relationship will almost certainly be very different at the end of it, though.  In my case, any confession of how I feel now will almost certainly bring a swift conclusion to our marriage but, as we've both given up trying to work on our marriage, this may not be such a bad thing (unless, of course, the kids get dragged into the battle).

As others have said here, follow your heart and your female intuition.  Only you will know the depth of your relationships, not only with your spouse but also with your friends and colleagues but, in all honesty, the friends who drift away as a result probably weren't real friends in the first place.

Good luck,

Amanda