Quote from: Carrie Liz on July 12, 2017, 12:32:39 AM
My relationship with Jae turned those fears into reality, when I failed to return texts, failed to return calls, he constantly told me that I was the only person he'd ever met who was this socially withdrawn, I had my dysphoria triggered like hell because he was acting more like the stereotypical "girl" of the relationship than I was, so I started feeling fundamentally broken and unfixable, like there was some sort of female socialization that I missed and therefore lack and will never be able to get, my mom didn't help at all because she constantly laughed about how even though Jae was the guy and I was the girl, I was acting like the guy and he was acting like the girl.
[...]
We broke up months ago, but those horrible feelings just lingered and lingered and I couldn't shake them. I'd lost my sense of self-worth and my sense of what made me a valuable human being.
[...]
Since starting treatment, my focus has instantly come back to where I feel alert and awake, my urge to emotionally eat has declined to almost 0, (I used to regularly eat entire pizzas and entire bags of chips on days where I was feeling bad, where now I can't eat that much even if I want to,) and I've actually for the first time been able to talk myself out of negative moods rather than them feeling like an unstoppable wave that just washes me away and I have no choice but to swim with it because I had no hope of fighting it.
First of all, let me give you a big hug! Across the Atlantic
As far as a proper reply goes... I have no idea where to start... Me, I lost the love of my life too, a couple of months ago. We had been together for 5 years, wanting babies, living together, the works. She's a cis-girl, but I can relate a bit to your story. When I was around her, she also made me feel like 'the guy', even though I had been on hormones for quite a while and the people around us didn't even see or know I was trans. I think it comes down to experience, especially in the beginning I relaly noticed my lacking female socialization, which got better though. But it was and sometimes still is a really big trigger for my dysphoria too.
I'm sorry about your mum not supporting you the way you would have wanted in those moments, especially when dyshporia-depression hits you, all the help you can get is welcome. She should have known better, I think. I know it doesn't help to tell you that you're really strong and that you've got to keep your chin up in in those situations, but still. Perhaps time will help you to turn things around, because the dysphoria WILL diminish now that your surgery is behind you! I guess you're as old as me (about thirty), so with a bit of luck, we both have a life ahead of us to help us heal. The fruits of SRS are not plucked within the first year, it's something that will keep giving you strength and hope througout the years to come. (Little disclaimer, that's not my wisdom, I'm actually one week post-op and writing you from the hospital bed now).
One thing I do know though, is about how life changes affect our coping mechanisms. When we're young, we're faced with a very different kind of stress than now, which reflects on how we deal with ourselves. This is true for everybody, trans or cis. For me, binge-eating never was that big of a deal, but alcohol and drugs were. It all fitted when I was younger, since my body had the capacity of dealing with the ->-bleeped-<- I put into it and I was looking for quick reliefs anywayz. The stress I had was very strongly related to immediate social impulses, ranging from my own lacking socialization (male OR female) and my inability to stay stable. So, I took the things that could bring me down onto my feet.
As I got a bit ahead, I slowly learned how to deal with those immediate stressors in a more effective way, but the coping mechanism of grabbing a beer didn't evolve with. This led to me developing a drinkig habit just because of it. That's bad in its own right, but with me growing 'away' from alcohol being able to effectively calm me down, my own growth actually started to lead to problems: I needed a new coping mechanism. And I can tell you: this was HARD to find, especially in the beginning.
I started out experimenting with binge-eating (yea I know..), which also didn't work. Then came some other weird things, and in the end I settled on trying to work myself to death. This went quite well for a while, focusing on my thesis and job at the same time, working night hours every day and thus making sure ther wasn't any energy left for my emotions anyway. But this, too, led to a big crash. I actually started to get all kinds of physical issues, which led to the point that they put me in an MRI scanner last January to scan for Multiple Sclerosis. Which I didn't have, but you get the gist of it.
This is where I broke down... There point of no return had been reached, my depressions were soaring and with my mind slowly attacking my body, a u-turn had to be taken. The precursor to this u-turn had come a couple of months before, when a rather annoying acqaintance of mine took the chance of misgendering me for the umptieth time in the middle of the bar, shouting my former name across the place when I walked in. Basically I snapped, within a second my eyes went red and I lunged towards him. In my sprint, the only decision left to me was either to hit him in the face, or in the belly. I went for the belly, after which he ended up gasping for air on the floor. When he got up, I was still bloodthirsty as hell, holding my fist a centimeter from his face and telling him the next time would indeed involve a broken nose or jaw.
Boah... Did I feel good after that!! Sure, the friendship took a while to recover, but this whole situation made me realize I actually really LIKED to force all of my anger into that punch. So, 3 months after that in January, I decided to go thai-boxing. There was a women's only club not far from where I lived, and their brutal trainings offered me a way out for my emotions. Within two weeks, the stress was gone and all of my neurological symptoms had vanished like the snow on a warm day in April.
So where does this all lead me.. Basically what I mean to tell you, is that you migth have outgrown your ways of dealing with your stress. Sure, binging and pills (whether anti-depressants or illegal ones) will relieve the feelings for a while, but it doesn't solve the underlying issue of you having become bigger than the tricks you have to deal with life's stresses. Finding what works isn't an easy task, so perhaps you should take a bit of time and use the meds to clear your mind a bit. But do keep in mind that they will also cloud your intuition, so it's never a real way out. Perhaps you can start with walks in the forest, or just being outside and letting your body take you someplace. Get in touch with your body again, and your mind will follow suit
Love from Germany!
