So pleased things are finally on track for you. Fingers crossed it's all plain sailing for now xx

How does it look? I wanna compare!!! Brassard vs chet:)


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Hi I'm about to go in for my SRS with Chettawut tomorrow and I just wanted to give you a big THANK YOU for posting here and detailing your journey, particularly your struggles, because honestly you probably saved me from making several missteps that I know I would also have made if it weren't for following your story . Thank you so much .

Hi, i'm about to scheduling with chettawut in July and i'm interested in enjoying the facebook group, contact me in private if you can, i dont know to do Ahahah 

FINALLY had my first actual real-life orgasm yesterday, pretty much exactly 8 months after surgery. I was getting scared that it was never going to happen, but finally it did.

In other news, recovery has been fine, my only issue is that I've been having a really hard time keeping up with the dilation schedule because my level of personal motivation has gone to complete crap recently.

I've had a rough couple of months at work and in my personal life, I've been making a LOT of mistakes at work recently, and also had a player tell me that I had "the most screwed up hair I've ever seen, can't you like buy some de-frizzing shampoo or something?" So I've been feeling awful because of that, I had one night where I had a straight-up breakdown during a difficult table where a couple of guys yelled at me to control my table, plus I've been unable to lose weight and still dealing with a large body shape that I hate, so I've been feeling like garbage about my appearance, all of that feeling-like-garbage has made me feel like I'm acting less feminine and acting less nice to people, my social life still sucks, basically it's just been a really bad couple of months for me.

Recovery is going all right, my only real gripe with my surgery is that the inner labia isn't very well defined, that dilation takes effort, and that my urethra is a little bit askew to the right side compared to the centerline between my clit and my vaginal opening, but it's not a huge deal. The issue that I had right after surgery with the outer labia being loose has long since corrected itself, things look generally very nice now, they're starting to feel more and more nice, I'd probably rate Dr. Chett's work at around a 7/10 on the scale of where it is compared to the absolute ideals of appearance and function that I was hoping for. Can't complain.

My recent mental issues are unrelated to the outcomes of surgery, although post-op depression might be a part of it. I don't know exactly why I'm suddenly down. Mostly I think it's just because I don't handle mistakes very well, and I've made a LOT of them recently, in addition to my usual amount of appearance-hating and guilt for past failures thrown on top of it. Don't know.

Carrie you have gone through a lot over the past few years.  Don't blow it all now. Get hold of yourself and don't mess up your job.

Remember what it was like fore when you started back on EA.  You don't want to be back at that point.

I just finished reading your entire story on this thread. What an amazing account, and very well written, Carrie. You have a talent for writing and sharing. Have you considered writing a book?

Something else occurs to me, and maybe it's a dumb question, but now that you've removed your primary source of T, have you adjusted your medications appropriately? I was just wondering if the hormone mix could be causing difficulties with your concentration (resulting in you making mistakes at work) and weight gain...

Thanks for the updates and I hope that things get better for you in your day to day life.  Weight loss is super tough, especially on E.  When I was on T, it dropped off and I could eat whatever I wanted.  On E, totally different story.  i have learned so many things since I started E.

So, haven't updated in forever, but I thought I'd at least share what's been going on.

It's been 11 months now.

For the most part I barely even notice a difference physically. After getting settled back into your normal life routine and going about it for a few months, things just slide back into being normal, and there you go, you go about your life again as if nothing happened, and you can barely even remember your body having ever been different.

Physically, this is basically exactly what I hoped for. All of my genital-related anxieties that I used to deal with on a constant basis, the constant low-level anxiety that I felt like I was hiding something, the nightmares that I had about being in a women's room and being spied upon and "caught" somehow have long since stopped, and I don't feel physically uncomfortable in my own body anymore. Things feel right.

Unfortunately, I haven't been happy in general. I'm not sure exactly what it was that triggered me to start feeling depressed, but around February I started on a downward spiral mentally where I started feeling worse and worse about myself. It didn't have anything to do with surgery, it was just my life in general that I started feeling down about. I think it's possible that my failed relationship with Jae might have been the thing that triggered it. He said some really hurtful things to me that made me start feeling worthless and feeling broken. I already had a lot of persistant anxiety about noticing that I didn't make friends as easily as other people, so I was always constantly worried that I was doing something wrong, or was fundamentally socially broken. My relationship with Jae turned those fears into reality, when I failed to return texts, failed to return calls, he constantly told me that I was the only person he'd ever met who was this socially withdrawn, I had my dysphoria triggered like hell because he was acting more like the stereotypical "girl" of the relationship than I was, so I started feeling fundamentally broken and unfixable, like there was some sort of female socialization that I missed and therefore lack and will never be able to get, my mom didn't help at all because she constantly laughed about how even though Jae was the guy and I was the girl, I was acting like the guy and he was acting like the girl.

Jae snapped at me at the end of our relationship, and it ended in emotional distraught for both of us. Basically, I wasn't happy in it for a very long time and yet let it keep going on, and he felt betrayed when I so casually agreed when he suggested breaking up, wondering if I ever cared about him in the first place or if I was just dragging him along because he was so into me and I didn't want to hurt him.

I didn't have a good answer to that. That was the relationship. He was the one who cared. I was the one who was selfish and distant and pretty much didn't care. I knew the relationship was draining me and was more than I could handle a few months in, but I just couldn't hurt him, so I let it keep going. And so what ended up happening is that I lost all of my social confidence. I didn't have much in the first place, but that was the breaking point. After that relationship, I felt fundamentally broken... as well as fundamentally unlovable and unlikable. I started questioning if I really cared about anyone, and therefore wondered why anyone should care about me. All of my life I had believed that I was one of the "nice" people because I put so much effort into not hurting others and trying to be nice to others. But after being in a relationship where I never called, I never took initiative, and I seemed to not care, it was really hard to still believe that I was nice. I just started feeling selfish and like a horrible person.

We broke up months ago, but those horrible feelings just lingered and lingered and I couldn't shake them. I'd lost my sense of self-worth and my sense of what made me a valuable human being.

Long story short, I spiraled into depression. I've been stuck there for the last few months since I last posted. I almost always felt bad. I had no sense of self-worth. The quality of my work continued to decline. My sleep patterns were awful. I gained another 10 lbs and despite trying to go on a diet made absolutely zero progress. My apartment got more and more messy with Magic cards splayed all over the floor, dishes and clothes piled everywhere. And I started being overwhelmed by a feeling of brain fog. I couldn't think clearly. I was having a hard time remembering even the most simple of things. I actually got in trouble at work for hitting myself in the head after making mistakes because I was so mad at myself. Also my dilation practices were falling apart, I was only managing to do it about once every 2-3 days.

I've always been on the borderline of depression, but my therapist had always thought that if I just worked hard enough I could work through it through cognitive behavioral therapy, but I'd reached a point where I had ZERO effort left in me, all I wanted to do was lay in bed all day. Finally he said that I needed to see a psychiatrist.

About 2 weeks ago I went on anti-depressants, and have been feeling better. But that's basically the story of the last few months. Things haven't been good. Physically things are great, I feel great about my body even though I still hate on myself for my face and shoulders, but it's just been a battle mentally. It was bad timing to have my first ever bad relationship, and I'm still working on regaining my sense of self-worth.

I'll update as time goes on, again, things have been better for the past couple of weeks. But for those who have been following me since the very beginning of my transition, this should probably not come as a surprise. I've always been on the borderline of depression, with every single small setback pushing me back over that line into breakdown territory. In the past I could usually just cry it out and feel mostly better, but it was still always there lurking. Since starting treatment, my focus has instantly come back to where I feel alert and awake, my urge to emotionally eat has declined to almost 0, (I used to regularly eat entire pizzas and entire bags of chips on days where I was feeling bad, where now I can't eat that much even if I want to,) and I've actually for the first time been able to talk myself out of negative moods rather than them feeling like an unstoppable wave that just washes me away and I have no choice but to swim with it because I had no hope of fighting it.

So, tentatively things are looking up, I apologize for disappearing for so long, and hopefully things will be better from now on.

I'm so sorry Carrie.. I can totally understand tour anxiety about sociality and gender roles, but it's not that simple and everyone knows! You don't have to feel wrong, everyone sometimes go through moment where they don't care at all and that s not a male prerogative, and it's normal  to fine out that you're not that interested in a person  with whom you though you wanted to built something! You have to take your life back bit to bit, focus on living and on what you like about that, don't feel like you're missing something and just feel focus on feel yourself..
Sorry for my bad english but wanted to say something because it's so sad you're going through all this, I felt this way to one time and it was really really bad I also had to take antidepressand but little by little i got my life back.. These months depression  seemed to be returning and I was so scared but then again I didn't want to take antidepressant anymore so I fight it myself and got it
Hope everything get better for you too

Quote from: Carrie Liz on July 12, 2017, 12:32:39 AM
My relationship with Jae turned those fears into reality, when I failed to return texts, failed to return calls, he constantly told me that I was the only person he'd ever met who was this socially withdrawn, I had my dysphoria triggered like hell because he was acting more like the stereotypical "girl" of the relationship than I was, so I started feeling fundamentally broken and unfixable, like there was some sort of female socialization that I missed and therefore lack and will never be able to get, my mom didn't help at all because she constantly laughed about how even though Jae was the guy and I was the girl, I was acting like the guy and he was acting like the girl.

[...]

We broke up months ago, but those horrible feelings just lingered and lingered and I couldn't shake them. I'd lost my sense of self-worth and my sense of what made me a valuable human being.

[...]

Since starting treatment, my focus has instantly come back to where I feel alert and awake, my urge to emotionally eat has declined to almost 0, (I used to regularly eat entire pizzas and entire bags of chips on days where I was feeling bad, where now I can't eat that much even if I want to,) and I've actually for the first time been able to talk myself out of negative moods rather than them feeling like an unstoppable wave that just washes me away and I have no choice but to swim with it because I had no hope of fighting it.

First of all, let me give you a big hug! Across the Atlantic

As far as a proper reply goes... I have no idea where to start... Me, I lost the love of my life too, a couple of months ago. We had been together for 5 years, wanting babies, living together, the works. She's a cis-girl, but I can relate a bit to your story. When I was around her, she also made me feel like 'the guy', even though I had been on hormones for quite a while and the people around us didn't even see or know I was trans. I think it comes down to experience, especially in the beginning I relaly noticed my lacking female socialization, which got better though. But it was and sometimes still is a really big trigger for  my dysphoria too.

I'm sorry about your mum not supporting you the way you would have wanted in those moments, especially when dyshporia-depression hits you, all the help you can get is welcome. She should have known better, I think. I know it doesn't help to tell you that you're really strong and that you've got to keep your chin up in in those situations, but still. Perhaps time will help you to turn things around, because the dysphoria WILL diminish now that your surgery is behind you! I guess you're as old as me (about thirty), so with a bit of luck, we both have a life ahead of us to help us heal. The fruits of SRS are not plucked within the first year, it's something that will keep giving you strength and hope througout the years to come. (Little disclaimer, that's not my wisdom, I'm actually one week post-op and writing you from the hospital bed now).

One thing I do know though, is about how life changes affect our coping mechanisms. When we're young, we're faced with a very different kind of stress than now, which reflects on how we deal with ourselves. This is true for everybody, trans or cis. For me, binge-eating never was that big of a deal, but alcohol and drugs were. It all fitted when I was younger, since my body had the capacity of dealing with the ->-bleeped-<- I put into it and I was looking for quick reliefs anywayz. The stress I had was very strongly related to immediate social impulses, ranging from my own lacking socialization (male OR female) and my inability to stay stable. So, I took the things that could bring me down onto my feet.

As I got a bit ahead, I slowly learned how to deal with those immediate stressors in a more effective way, but the coping mechanism of grabbing a beer didn't evolve with. This led to me developing a drinkig habit just because of it. That's bad in its own right, but with me growing 'away' from alcohol being able to effectively calm me down, my own growth actually started to lead to problems: I needed a new coping mechanism. And I can tell you: this was HARD to find, especially in the beginning.

I started out experimenting with binge-eating (yea I know..), which also didn't work. Then came some other weird things, and in the end I settled on trying to work myself to death. This went quite well for a while, focusing on my thesis and job at the same time, working night hours every day and thus making sure ther wasn't any energy left for my emotions anyway. But this, too, led to a big crash. I actually started to get all kinds of physical issues, which led to the point that they put me in an MRI scanner last January to scan for Multiple Sclerosis. Which I didn't have, but you get the gist of it.

This is where I broke down... There point of no return had been reached, my depressions were soaring and with my mind slowly attacking my body, a u-turn had to be taken. The precursor to this u-turn had come a couple of months before, when a rather annoying acqaintance of mine took the chance of misgendering me for the umptieth time in the middle of the bar, shouting my former name across the place when I walked in. Basically I snapped, within a second my eyes went red and I lunged towards him. In my sprint, the only decision left to me was either to hit him in the face, or in the belly. I went for the belly, after which he ended up gasping for air on the floor. When he got up, I was still bloodthirsty as hell, holding my fist a centimeter from his face and telling him the next time would indeed involve a broken nose or jaw.

Boah... Did I feel good after that!! Sure, the friendship took a while to recover, but this whole situation made me realize I actually really LIKED to force all of my anger into that punch. So, 3 months after that in January, I decided to go thai-boxing. There was a women's only club not far from where I lived, and their brutal trainings offered me a way out for my emotions. Within two weeks, the stress was gone and all of my neurological symptoms had vanished like the snow on a warm day in April.

So where does this all lead me.. Basically what I mean to tell you, is that you migth have outgrown your ways of dealing with your stress. Sure, binging and pills (whether anti-depressants or illegal ones) will relieve the feelings for a while, but it doesn't solve the underlying issue of you having become bigger than the tricks you have to deal with life's stresses. Finding what works isn't an easy task, so perhaps you should take a bit of time and use the meds to clear your mind a bit. But do keep in mind that they will also cloud your intuition, so it's never a real way out. Perhaps you can start with walks in the forest, or just being outside and letting your body take you someplace. Get in touch with your body again, and your mind will follow suit

Love from Germany!

Hi Carrie,

I spent a while with antidepressants which with group and my therapist saved my life. With the antidepressants I was able to sleep which made a world of difference. Also the highs and lows were closer together and things did not penetrate as deep. It allowed me to deflate something and not ruminate.

After GCS, perhaps 2 months, I no longer needed the SSRI and was able to eventually get off of them. It got to the point that when I was able to cope that the SSRI started to be too effective and I no longer needed them.

You have been through a lot in a short period of time and need a little help. That means you are human. We are here for you and want only the best for you.

Girl get over that up and down cycle. It has been a long road for you and you have to start enjoying what you have accomplished.

So, very quick update... (also possibly a TMI bodily-fluids thing, so you've been warned...)

One of the last persistent annoyances of my surgery that I was hoping would eventually correct itself was the issue of still needing to wear pantyliner pads. Basically, the vag was still consistently a bit leaky. Overnight when I slept, if I didn't have a pad in, my underwear would have a large wet spot by the morning. And work was an even bigger problem... earlier in surgery recovery I would get this awful sticky yellowish-white liquid all over, to the point where I often had to change pads multiple times per night. As I progressed further in recovery, the issue cleared up a little bit, I was getting to the point where I only had to change it every other day instead of every single day, but it was still annoying. Pads are a pain. The sticky lining has an obnoxious issue of clinging on my inner thighs a bit, and trust me, it is MUCH MUCH more comfortable to sit in just underwear as compared to underwear with a pantyliner attached. The things are not breathable.

I noticed a few months ago that I leaked less on days that I was skipping dilation (I'm at the point where I can finally skip 1 day of dilation per week and not have any problems,) but obviously since skipping dilation wasn't a possibility, I accepted the leakage as a normal (albeit annoying) thing that I'd just have to live with.

Almost exactly a week ago, I finally used up my last tube of QC Lube from Thailand. (I bought 6 cases of the stuff while I was there based on the recommendation of other Thailand surgery-goers who said that it's the best lube you can get, and much cheaper than American brands to boot.) So, I finally was forced to switch to a generic American brand which was much less thick and much less sticky (but also with a bit less lubrication power.) And much to my surprise, a few days later, there was no discharge. I went 2 days with the same pantyliner and there wasn't the typical brownish-yellow spot even then. And then one more pad change and another 2 days later, the same thing happened. So finally, I decided to take the plunge on my drive back from Richmond 2 days ago and try ditching the pantyliners all together, and voila! No spotting after a 4-hour sleep, a 10-hour drive, an 8-hour sleep, and a whole day at home.

So I think the problem is finally over, which finally makes me a 100% satisfied customer with my shiny new 2016 Chett vag. And surprisingly, I think the problem was the Thailand QC lube. I think maybe it's too thick or something, and thus while it's great for early-surgery recovery because it's slicker than other brands and thus less likely to create friction, the vagina can't clean it out as easily, and thus it leads to ongoing spotting. The American brands are more water-based, which means they clean out easier.

All of the problems I had before have been corrected now. Orgasms are back and better than ever now, and actually easier for me to achieve than they were pre-surgery because the dysphoria mental block is gone, and hell, having a vagina in and of itself is often enough to get me excited still. Spotting is done, or at least it's resided to a level where I can finally wear normal underwear again. The appearance isn't perfect, it's about a 7/10 in my estimation, I was hoping for more of an inner labia and the vag itself being less prominent, but now everything is 100% functional, so I am totally fine in calling it a complete success. And I can say that the work which was done with retaining sensation was astoundingly good. I genuinely think Chett is in the top tier of the entire world for retaining sensation. I have full sensation back everywhere, and again, now that it's been a full year and things have finally healed and settled, I think the arousal/orgasm trigger actually works better than it did before. People going to Suporn often say that the work he does to recreate the internal "bulbs" of the clitoris leads to a unique bonus arousal, and I was scared that I was going to feel like that was "missing" because Chett tends to remove more erectile tissue, but nope, definitely not. I absolutely 100% feel being aroused as soon as it happens, and trust me, there's no sense of lack with the internal plumbing. Solid 10/10 on sensation.

Mentally, antidepressants have been a big help, no major crises to speak of since the middle of the summer or so.

great news Carrie Liz, I know how one feels with any pad between their legs and then need one all the time.  You can know consider the whole srs process to be a success like you wanted.  Being able to skip a day of dilating is great too and to be able to have great orgasms is good to hear. 

Hi Carrie,

I am glad you are pad free. Ever since I went from 3 to 1 dilations a day (at night) I am pad free. I really do not like pads.

How did you determine you can reduce dilations to less the 1/day. I will be 1 year in less than a month but orange takes a few minutes to get in slowly. It is a bit painful. I see my doctor on the 20th of Nov. and plan to ask her.

Is the orange dilator always going to be tight and a bit painful?

Thanks,
Rachel

Ok Carrie girl it sounds like you finally got what you wanted.  How is the job going?

Quote from: Carrie Liz on October 20, 2016, 04:36:10 AM
All right, finally! I got my forms back, my American doctor filled out my leave extension to cover the 10 days of work I missed, and Chett just sent me back the details of my working restrictions (basically just no sitting or standing for more than 2 hours straight without at least a 15-minute break,) and I should be back to work this Saturday unless yet another unforeseen issue comes up.

Again, just to clarify, every single time I've asked Chett a question through email, I've gotten a thorough and satisfactory answer. It's just that it's taken a while.

Also, since I haven't officially written the whole spiel about the differences between Chett and Suporn, this right here is actually probably the biggest difference between them according to both Cindy Fox and my other Australian trans friend. Both of them said that Suporn's aftercare is VASTLY superior. You're in the recovery center for a week rather than 3 days, you get a VERY detailed information packet that addresses most (if not all) common concerns, and then after that there's a large active Facebook group containing 400+ post-op trans women who've all been through that same surgeon's procedure, so you can get answers to any questions basically immediately, without having to ask the clinic directly and therefore without having to wait for the doctor to find time out of his busy schedule. This post-op group is also why Suporn has almost no negative reviews, because the group simply does NOT let them happen. They guide people through recovery issues, and usually get anyone who's not satisfied to schedule a revision before they think of writing a negative review. Chett has no such group guarding his reputation. In case it's not obvious, the internet has dragged his name through the dirt. (Unfairly, if I personally say so.) But at the same time, lacking that group, and therefore lacking that same access to information, (which is only exacerbated because the aftercare instructions he gives are very summarized and bare-bones rather than detailed,) can make getting answers to questions/concerns in a timely fashion a very frustrating thing.

Also, and I'll talk about this more later, Cindy and I started our own Chett Facebook group, because we want Chett patients to have that same access to a pool of experience and knowledge that Suporn patients get. We started a group with the 12 people we met at the Vertical Suites and Dusit Princess while we were still in Thailand, and have asked those who were there longer than us to keep inviting new members to the group.

This group is ONLY for Chett patients and family/friends of those patients, it's a closed non-public group purely for support and information, we want to make absolute sure that no ->-bleeped-<-s or people who aren't serious get in to the group, but if anyone has surgery scheduled with Chett and would like to join the group, PM me and let me know. There aren't any members who've been post-op more than about 2 months, but it's better than nothing. We've been comparing recoveries back and forth to make sure everything is normal, so that's been nice to have.

Anyway, I don't know where I was going with this, it's just part of the big Chett vs. Suporn post I've been meaning to make for a while now.

I have no idea how to dm on here but I just had srs with chett a few weeks ago and would love to be added to the group if it still exists.

Quote from: alliehugs on January 05, 2018, 12:13:35 PM
I have no idea how to dm on here but I just had srs with chett a few weeks ago and would love to be added to the group if it still exists.

Welcome to Susan's Place. The OP hasn't been on the site for about a month so don't expect a response soon. As for PMs, you will require 15 quality posts before that feature will work. It's all explained in the following links.

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