Uhh...

[Veronica J]

none of us are discounting anything you said and many can relate to you and have been or are going thru what you are going thru. just that we have had years behind us, and many therapy sessions and gained knowledge in dealing with these issues.

Gaps in my memory dont terrify me as much. i guess because i am older and realise that its my mind protecting me, do i want to know what happened in those times? yes and no, more no it wont add to my life or enrich my life either. it would be bring pain, yes cause i will have the knowledge of what occurred.

this time in your life is a short window and it will be over quickly, admittedly not as fast as one would like.

over the last couple of weeks i came close too just ending it all.. lets just say letters were written and placed in a prominent place, and when something in my told me to just go to bed i had to use a couple of stitch plasters, iodine, gause and a bandages.. but that low moment made me realize a few days later that its a long term solution to a short term problem (as Dena stated) after reading my therapy notes. and proceeded to make short term goals, which will lead to long term goals and now i have a destination to aim for and something to work for. while i still feel down at times, soo down i skip meals etc, i have something to look at too remind me  i have goals and a destination to reach.

soo make a list of goals (that are achievable in the short term)  some for each of the following

• financial
• emotional
• physical
• health
• personal

and then another page for long term goals. with out goals you tend to flounder and have no direction in life.

well hope this helps

V

[Xirafel]

One gap in particular concerns me as my personality took a complete shift from cheerful / timid to a zombie. Adolescence at it's finest.

I'm not sure if I could even hold a job in my mental state. I just see everything in this world as trivial and pointless. Not to mention, that if I blank out then hours can pass with a certain thought taking over. It can get even worse, especially if I'm being lorded over by others.

My parents are practically the same when it comes to understanding- they want "the good life" for their only son. "the good life" meaning family and high salary job.

That's pretty much it, they would probably settle for that.

If I told them that I wanted to launch a business, they would probably help in the financing, administration, paperwork, etc. In fact, they had even offered to do it.
Of course, they have eyes like hawks and wouldn't let me do whatever I want and they would probably stack on other work too. Yay, more work.

My mother has a whole string of businesses which didn't exactly fail but weren't really successful either. In the garage was a big pile of these boxes of wax which were being sold for people to rip their hair out with. Hm, if only that one wasn't shutdown, I could do with some of that.

I have bigger problems to deal with than launching a struggling business in the hopes of becoming successful or whatever other things could lead to success in their minds x.x

Let me try to read their minds for a moment. Hmm. I see a big house, little children running around, an expensive car and other symbols of wealth. Yes, I'm sure that's probably what they would want me to have.

In their wildest dreams, there's probably a private jet, a big mansion, 20 servants and married to the daughter of a billionaire. Let me try to think of what the servants might say, "My Lord, luncheon is ready," Uhh... That might be from the wrong era, although I'm sure they'd want me to have a noble title x.x

If you ever want to talk about anything, pm me. I need someone to talk to about this as well. Don't worry, you are not old and ugly. It's just dysphoria talking. Trust me, I know.

Is it? I've always been extremely afraid of ageing. And now I've long passed my prime and ended up like this. Sure, we could talk over PMs, if you'd like.

[AnonyMs]

Xirafel, some of what you've said reminds me of what I went though. I'm don't generally trust anyone and I'd read a lot of bad stories about how the medical profession treats trans people so I went to great lengths working out how to get around the system. I think my psych actually thought I was paranoid for a bit when I first met him.

It turns out there's not much to get around in most of Australia and I wasted a lot of time and energy on it. I've probably caused myself more problems doing what I've done than just doing what every one else does. There are a few bad medical people around, but not many. If you research it carefully and find out who other trans people recommend you shouldn't run into the bad ones. I've done some odd things and had a really great experience with my endo, psych and therapist.

Its dead easy in Sydney where I am, and I'd guess its not too different in Brisbane.

[SidneyAldaine]

I heard you saying in other post or somewhere you are 20? That means you realised that your life and perception of it is not the same as your parents' 5 years ahead of me. Too bad that once you realise something that big- that your goals and aims in life are completely different from what your parents want you to be, you can't go back...

That being said, you are lucky and pretty clever that you came to this conclusion so soon. I'm currently stuck right before finishing my university degree, in a field I have no interest in anymore and there are other things as well...

Getting back to your parents, it's completely natural for you to divert from your parents' wishes, especially after coming to terms with who you are and who you want to be. It's like you still live your "old" life, but deep inside, you already changed. That means you want to see the change reflect to the outside world as well, but of course, that's not possible from day to day. It takes tremendous work and commitment to turn your life around. But you are the captain of that ship and in the end, it's your choice.

There is something else coming with this state of things; that terrible feeling which can be described as being fundamentally dissatisfied with things like they are now. Sometimes it's even unbearable; and sometimes you can forget, even if it's just for a moment.

As I see it, you have to create some "back door" first for yourself. In case that your parents won't listen and you will be stuck with them and dependent on them. You need an alternative plan. Something to grab on to if everyone you know turns your back on you. Just in case. That should give you some courage and a sense of safety and certainty over your life.

Stick to things you need to do. Do you need to start questioning your role in a society and possibly transition later? If the answer to that is 100% yes and you need it to lead a happy life again, to find your cheerful self after that memory block, everything else is your secondary objective. I don't mean to stress you out, but everything else is secondary- family and friends too, if they won't listen. If they won't, you have that back door plan, remember?

Anyway, once you start your journey, your memory blocks won't matter anymore. They will probably fade like castles in the sky- it happened to me. I know it seems all too far now, but trust me, once you begin changing (could be anything, your first visit to therapist or a look in the mirror), problems will be sorted out, one way or another. That's the way life works. Even if and when the journey seems impossible for now. All will fall into the place one day and that's your hope. And main as well!

And lastly, you should remember- your life is just a projection of who you want to be. Since you probably didn't realise you were someone else for the most of your life, it seems your life doesn't fit you anymore. Like a glove. It is a tremendous change and you don't have to do it at once. Even little drops often help, however urgent the feeling to "do something right now" is.

P.S. Please go to my profile and click posts to find some answers on how to cope with that sense of something lost in the past. I posted similar question like week ago, I'm not entirely sure but think you even replied to me

Till next time, please don't give up and keep thinking! The road is ahead of you, you just can't see it yet.

Hugs

[Xirafel]

Update, update.

I brought the subject up again and she lazily told me to find the location of the nearest doctor. She wants to see if a doctor knows a psychologist now x.x
She lazily took the address, looked at a map and presumably memorised it's location.
With any luck, we might get somewhere.

Came to the conclusion of what to do soon? I should have done it a decade ago.
Even if the UK's NHS was useless (they don't seem to have even had anything for the problem back then anyway), there was always the option of being flown to another country. It's not like they particularly liked my birth country anyway, they were practically looking for excuses to leave.

Seeing a psychologist should be fun. Not. They'll probably think I'm mute when I just write everything down and show it to them. As far as bad stories go, I've been part of bad stories and they didn't even know I was trans. Lovely, lovely NHS.

Someone suggested that I should have an alternate plan.
My alternate plan involved researching many methods of suicide, as let's face it, my life would more or less be over anyway. It's not the politically correct thing to say and I would understand that no one here would want to be held legally liable for pushing me to my demise.

I on the other-hand consider it euthanasia, humans murder animals all the time in the name of relieving them of their suffering, but when it comes to humans, the suffering is drawn out as much as possible until they're finally dead. In other words, I'm considered a lower existence who is not even worthy of being put out of my misery.

It reminds me of Franken Fran where the mad scientist is so obsessed with preserving human life that their patients end up in all sorts of fates worse than death as horrific abominations. It's a uh, manga. Slightly disturbing.

I've put together a list of various methods, but many of them are impossible or too ineffective:
The buildings in this area are too low to guarantee death. I'm more likely to end up in a hospital bed than a coffin and that would be very inconvenient.
Firearms are impossible to acquire.
Drug overdose has a too low chance of death.
We have lots of bleach, maybe that.
Drowning is impossible as the body will instinctually resist.
Death from blood loss is unlikely as a hospital would likely stop that in it's tracks.
Hanging would be difficult as there's no secure object to fasten the rope to and the body will instinctually resist.
Joining the army during a war seems improbable as they probably wouldn't send me to the frontlines and there's no war. It's unfortunate that I missed out on the war when I was a child.
Acquiring HRT pills from illicit sources might be another possible suicide method, I've heard much about the extremely high probability of death on these very forums. The only problem is that the police is likely to put me behind bars for decades for trying to acquire such a thing.

I'll see if I can think of some more.

[SidneyAldaine]

That someone didn't mean suicide as an alternative plan.

I don't recommend suicide.

I tried blood loss- terrible, you feel like dying whole week after that.
Pills- the blood clogged my left hand and it went numb, fortunately I have almost no damage now, but still.
Drowning- the worst, absolutely. Don't even get me started on that.

In short- suicide is terrible. No excuses.

The alternate plan is not a suicide. Just think of other possibilities of how to get where you want to be besides your parents. Please, promise me you won't try your ultimate solution, honey.

I'm glad to hear that things moved, finally. At least you're not stuck at one place. That's good.

[Veronica J]

Seeing a psychologist should be fun. Not. They'll probably think I'm mute when I just write everything down and show it to them. As far as bad stories go, I've been part of bad stories and they didn't even know I was trans. Lovely, lovely NHS.

a really good physiologist wont care if your first session is writting stuff down, you need to find a T friendly one. going to a doctor is a good idea. and asking, if you get a negative response then see another..they are out there.

Someone suggested that I should have an alternate plan.
My alternate plan involved researching many methods of suicide, as let's face it, my life would more or less be over anyway. It's not the politically correct thing to say and I would understand that no one here would want to be held legally liable for pushing me to my demise.

terrible plan, make a list of short and long term goals.. you can do it, your putting yourself in an endless loop and reacting as a child reacts. take a breath and look to the future and make reachable goals.

i know about the gap in memory.. for me i first would hide and cry and not let a soul touch me ever (as my sisters/parents told me - i dont remember this), then i become very angry and would loose my temper at a drop of a hat.. but overtime i kind of just gave up on remembering and calming down somewhat.. it wasnt till a decade or more later i started remembering.. maybe because i was at a place i could cope with the memories.

[Xirafel]

Hm, I could try to cut off the blood flow to... That thing. Let's see how it tries producing hormones, if all of it's cells are dying. Why didn't I think of that a decade ago? x.x

Wait, I vaguely remember strangling it to try to kill it a decade ago. Vaguely.
I think I was mad about it making gross stuff. Something like that.
What an idiot, that won't cut off the flow of blood, need some tight rope or something x.x

That bi... Okay, I don't feel like getting banned x.x

She's so infuriating, going on about trivial nonsense and just sitting around doing nothing. No doubt she'll 'forget' about it at the first opportunity. How should I convey that it's a serious issue? Do I have to write the message on the walls in my own blood? Something ominous like, "Take me to a Psychologist NOW"?

Mhm, those three methods are terrible. The best method would be a shotgun to the head, but this isn't America where I can just stroll into a gun shop and walk out with one. Even a god wouldn't be able to do anything about that injury.

Alas, I have to make do with lesser methods. No promises here, even if you are asking nicely, sorry. A few weeks ago, I was in a really, really tall building and I was just staring out one of it's 70th floor windows, imagining jumping out of it.

The window called out to me, it wanted me to jump out of it, well it didn't literally talk, that's a metaphor before you tell me to go to a lunatic asylum. Unfortunately, it was one of those windows designed in such a way that I would have to go straight through the glass.

Considering that there's even surgery to make people shorter these days, it doesn't seem that implausible to have a bunch of bones broken and fused back together. I probably already need Hollywood level plastic surgery on the face, they seem to love pumping in silicone.

Or I could really badly burn it and blame a domestic house fire for looking so ugly.
No, that probably looks even uglier. Shocking enough.

Fresh on 21. Too old. Really old. In my head, around 11ish is considered youthful. Anything else for me is old and ugly. There are different levels of old and ugly, of course. Why? Who knows. Probably because it's not tainted by a horrible, horrible curse.

If I see that psychologist, if I'm not dead by then, I'll probably pretend to be mute or something. Talking would just be the ultimate humiliation.

for me i first would hide and cry and not let a soul touch me ever

I never let a soul touch me. They did say that I was very, very adept at hiding rather than compete in sports.

If I had to guess, it might have something to do with the changing rooms as I was always really unconsciously covering myself so that no one can see. Maybe.

[Veronica J]

truly i know how it feels with your parents, mine take the bible bent and drill that home period.. nothing you say or do will get thru. it never did while i was at home (growing up it was pushed hard and always wanted to know what happened and never believed me that i couldn't remember - truly i couldn't), its not till nearly 17 years out of home that i can do what i want.. and still they push all the right buttons and push as hard as they can to

1.) cut my hair, my Dad always brings it up and always ends the sentence "Your my SON!! CUT your HAIR!" and i always feel terribly hurt by that.
2.) see a pastor about my problems
3.) trust in the Lord to heal and fix your problems
4.) constantly bug me to go to their Church
5.) constantly text me bible verses
6.) constantly facebook message and post bible messages

they constantly bring up how sad it is, feels like they are trying to make me feel so bad i get back with my X, never going to happen. and play the victim card a lot and push constantly for the reason of my split with my X etc. they use my oldest sister to interrogate/ask me questions and she faithfully reports it all back to them and the next time i see them it gets brought up.. i learned quick to zip it with her.

I have a strong feeling my Dad will prob hit me real hard when i tell him and i am fairly sure i will be rejected and that they will do all in their power to stop me. i am def in for a fight of my life then.

well here is a small goal list i thought up for you.

1. look for part time work
2. use money from the job to pay for psychologist, without telling parents (its how i did it the first time)
3. finish studies
4. find work and save
5. move out of home and start transition

that all will happen fast, there is always a way to transition. its a short window in your life now.. but you need goals and a destination to aim for. it will give you the energy and drive to reach it.

as for plastic surgery, there are amazing surgeons out there.. but lets not get hung up on the here and now.. more like and the future of your transition.

[Veronica J]

Hm, I could try to cut off the blood flow to... That thing. Let's see how it tries producing hormones, if all of it's cells are dying. Why didn't I think of that a decade ago? x.x

umm no, not a good idea.. could end very badly.

[Xirafel]

So many forms, I hate filling in forms. I have to write all sorts of humiliating things like that name for one, ugh 

The ordeal was finally over, and then we departed through the burning hot Sun where I learned that they have no clue what they're doing. They decided that they didn't want to pay $80 for the doctor just to tell me to go somewhere else and now want me to find a psychologist 

Round and round it goes. They're really effective... when they actually care about the problem at hand, otherwise... Ugh. They just used it as a shopping trip x.x

umm no, not a good idea.. could end very badly.

What's the worst that could happen? It rotting away and requiring surgical removal?

Uh, to add to what I said about changing rooms, I remember one changing room where people were prancing around naked and it gave me a panic attack and I never went back. One reason why I suspect one block is related to that.

[Veronica J]

Umm no but more serious.. either way bad idea..and I believe they can use the skin later.

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[Xirafel]

Umm no but more serious..

How serious?

and I believe they can use the skin later.

Ew.

[Veronica J]

Could be wrong since I haven't researched grs(not at that stage yet, I find if I look too far ahead I loose focus of the here and now).. But I believe the skin is used from the sac. And they inverted it as well.. think about it

how bad?

Well Testosterone helps maintain a number of important bodily functions in men, with out it a male may experience the following.
1. increased body fat
2. decreased strength/mass of muscles
3. fragile bones
4. decreased body hair
5. swelling/tenderness in the breast tissue
6. hot flashes
7. increased fatigue
8. effects on cholesterol metabolism
9. alter sleep patterns and in some cases cause insomnia

its why we can never be totally rid of it, CIS females produce extremely low levels compared to males but it has good effects for them (stronger bones etc) and visa versa. there are many more side effects, while on the whole they may look ok for those transitioning, aside from the fatige and lack of sleep, you tend to be hit with them all at once.. soo not good.

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[Xirafel]

I know about it, but reusing the skin from... that... thing sounds kind of gross...

Muscle strength? Asides from walking around town, I have practically none. Gyms have no appeal to me and neither do sports.
Decreased body hair? Yay, good riddance.
Alter sleep patterns? My sleep patterns are already really out of whack.
Hot flashes? I don't know what that is.
Fragile bones? That's not really a big deal.
Increased body fat? Ew. My natural diet is really tiny anyway.
Swelling in the breast tissue? Is this supposed to be a problem?
Increased fatigue? I'm lying around in bed for most of the day anyway. The less I see the dark and miserable outside world, the better.
Effects on cholesterol metabolism? Vague.

Phew, for a moment I thought you were coming up with problems.
As a plus for doing that, there's a lower probability of you finding my corpse on the side of the street in Brisbane with a bottle of bleach in my hand or something else.

I want to do it right now but... I would have to touch it to wrap something around it... Ew...
Okay, I'll just do it. It's what the anti-androgens are supposed to do anyway, and it'll save me $50 a month.

[Veronica J]

I want to do it right now but... I would have to touch it to wrap something around it... Ew...
Okay, I'll just do it. It's what the anti-androgens are supposed to do anyway, and it'll save me $50 a month.

umm i just listed the effects of an orchiectomy, not the process you would potentially in all likely hood suffer.. you need that bits and pieces for GRS surgery. dont damage your health, please dont. i feel hesitant listing all the negative impacts of what your suggesting, i am not a doctor (tho i do read the medical journals and have studied medicine at uni in New Zealand).

[Xirafel]

umm i just listed the effects of an orchiectomy, not the process you would potentially in all likely hood suffer.. you need that bits and pieces for GRS surgery. dont damage your health, please dont. i feel hesitant listing all the negative impacts of what your suggesting, i am not a doctor (tho i do read the medical journals and have studied medicine at uni in New Zealand).

At the end of the day, I have next to no money. One moment, let me check my bank balance. $17.
I don't see where I'm going to magically pull out $1000 to beg the psychologist to let me undergo HRT, to buy the pills or to eventually undergo these various $50K+ surgeries. At worst, it would lead to death.

I'm already being as sneaky as can be simply to get my parents to arrange a psychologist under false pretences.
Let's end this delusion and undergo something more realistic. At the very least, Medicare covers emergency care at a hospital. The key word here is emergency.

[kaitylynn]

At the end of the day, I have next to no money. One moment, let me check my bank balance. $17.
I don't see where I'm going to magically pull out $1000 to beg the psychologist to let me undergo HRT, to buy the pills or to eventually undergo these various $50K+ surgeries. At worst, it would lead to death.

I'm already being as sneaky as can be simply to get my parents to arrange a psychologist under false pretences.
Let's end this delusion and undergo something more realistic. At the very least, Medicare covers emergency care at a hospital. The key word here is emergency.

Something you may consider, this moment you find yourself in is not a fixed point.  Your circumstance will change with each passing moment.  What seems insurmountable now will be nothing but a blip on your life's timeline.  Eventually, you will gain your independence and from there the paths you have available will open.  I have been where you are.  I contemplated all sorts of ways to rectify what I see as an issue with my perception...glad now I did none of the brash things that seemed like options then.

If your chosen path is to be a eunuch, then permanent surgical castration (what you are proposing) will certainly accomplish that.  You will not have 'it' any longer, but you will also not have any options left for the future in terms of any function 'down there'.  What you have now is needed to create what you might want in the future and if it is gone, you will not move forward in that way any longer.

I would urge patience as it will serve you well in any future you choose.

[Veronica J]

At the end of the day, I have next to no money. One moment, let me check my bank balance. $17.
I don't see where I'm going to magically pull out $1000 to beg the psychologist to let me undergo HRT, to buy the pills or to eventually undergo these various $50K+ surgeries. At worst, it would lead to death.

I'm already being as sneaky as can be simply to get my parents to arrange a psychologist under false pretences.
Let's end this delusion and undergo something more realistic. At the very least, Medicare covers emergency care at a hospital. The key word here is emergency.

Australian medicare also cover GP, Physcologists, PBS medicines etc.  if you have a medicare card you can see a GP for free, as long as its bulk billed (ask them this).. otherwise you pay the $50 and medicare refund you. i know i got a medicare card and see my GP when i am sick also used for my physc appointments where i get $85 back after each session, tho i am on the MHP (mental Health Care plane).

[DawnOday]

Urmm... This is embarrassing... Awkward... Uhh... Hi?

So... I don't even know where to start...
Do I just buy it over the counter or something? Does it change everything?
Well, obviously not everything, unfortunately x.x I doubt pills (or is it a syringe?) can change bones or organs.
Urmm... Is it too late at 21? I heard some things won't change no matter what, if it's too late and that's terrible.

Somehow I descended into a nervous wreck. It's like my instinctual response to anyone who might start mocking me, even if I know they won't -.-

I'll just scurry off now...

There are only three bones in the body that do not change throughout life. They are all in your ears. No 21 is not too late. I am 65 and just finishing my first two months of HRT. It's never too late. There are just some things you may have to do as you age that you may not have to do now because of your age. Just remember it's a marathon not a sprint.